Does the no contact rule work? Can I get my ex back?

[Alfano]

On 9/23/2021 at 3:21 PM, d0nnivain said:

If you disappear on him he will conclude that you are one more person who he has disappointed & he will sink further into self pity given his situation.  He's not going to think gee I haven't heard from sunflower55.  I really miss her.  Maybe I was wrong to break up.  I should reach out.  He's going to think she's better off without me. 

In fact that happens often enough. The dumper sees that the dumpee has gone dark and starts wondering what he or she is up to, maybe they met someone new, maybe it was a mistake to dump them, they didn't realize how much they were going to miss them.. and they come knocking. Doesn't mean the relationship will be any better than it was before, none of the issues were resolved, but to your point that in this case he will likely react by thinking "she's better off without him",  that's a rather big assumption.

As far as the question in the original post- does going no contact "work"?

It can work if you understand what it's true purpose is. It's to move on with your life and turn your focus away from the person who dumped you so you don't continue to wallow in depression, rejection and self pity. It's not to somehow manipulate the person into thinking that they suddenly miss you and they made a huge mistake so they'll come running back. Even if they do get curious at your sudden disappearance, and even if they have second thoughts, and even if they regret their decision to break up and ask for a do-over, since none of the issues are resolved the odds are low that any reconciliation will stick. That much being said, the make-up sex during the honeymoon reconciliation phase is usually pretty good for as long as it lasts.

 

Edited September 25, 2021 by Alfano

[helo]

On 9/24/2021 at 9:52 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

It won't stay this way, OP. 

Exes rarely stay friends, let alone best friends. It's just not realistic, especially when one person (you) is still in love and didn't want the break-up. Maybe in the future you two could be friendly again, but you won't stay best friends and it's important that you start to accept that. 

The "right person, wrong time" is a platitude meant to soften the blow of breaking up with you. I am sure he admires and respects a lot of things about you, but if you were the right person, he wouldn't have ended it. Please, do not write him letters or show up and hug him. It's not what he wants from you and it will make you look desperate and like you aren't respecting his boundaries. Going No Contact isn't going to get him back, either. When someone has lost interest in trying to make it work, you going silent isn't going to change that. It will, however, give you the space to start accepting all of this. 

Break-ups hurt a lot. But you will be okay. Give yourself time to heal. 

I've just stumbled on this replay, going through a rough breakup myself and this made me a hopeless romantic somehow realize there's no comeback....

[Nothanks]

No contact is not meant to get him to change his mind.  It gives you space to detach and heal.  Don’t contact him.  He made the decision to break up and knows how you feel.  If he changes his mind, he knows how to find you. 

[helo]

9 hours ago, Nothanks said:

No contact is not meant to get him to change his mind.  It gives you space to detach and heal.  Don’t contact him.  He made the decision to break up and knows how you feel.  If he changes his mind, he knows how to find you. 

But what if he wants me to fight and give all that what he did? 

[ExpatInItaly]

44 minutes ago, helo said:

But what if he wants me to fight and give all that what he did? 

This is almost never the case, but rather a last shred false hope some dumpees hang on to because they are not ready to face the pain of being let go. 

And if someone who dumps you expects you to fight for them, you don’t have a healthy enough relationship that will survive a reconciliation anyway. 

[Nothanks]

3 hours ago, helo said:

But what if he wants me to fight and give all that what he did? 

You told him you love him and want to be in a relationship with him.  He hasn’t responded. So he knows how you feel and has not changed his mind.  He may need some time to think and it is possible he could contact you again.  He may not.  I would NOT contact him but give yourself a deadline (like one week).  If he hasn’t responded in a week, assume it is over, grieve and understand you are only 20! My goodness you have so many opportunities and experiences ahead of you and I don’t just mean romantic relationships. I know it is hard when you are experiencing heart ache to see what it looks like when you get through to the other side.  Believe me when I tell you that it gets easier each day you don’t contact him.  Pretty soon he will just be a memory and not relevant to your life.

 I’m not sure though what you mean by “fight” for him.  Do you mean things like sending gifts or further emails or calls professing your feelings?  All those things equate to contact so …..”NO” don’t do that.  That just sounds like more opportunity for rejection and humiliation.  

[Daisydooks]

On 9/29/2021 at 4:15 AM, helo said:

But what if he wants me to fight and give all that what he did? 

Then he would still be dating you. He didnt say he wants you to fight for him. He said he wanted to end it. Im sorry youre hurting, but youll only do harm by not respecting his boundaries and he will feel like you didn't listen when he said it was over. Its not an attractive look and will not win him back. What could work is moving on, respecting his boundaries and living the life you know you should by finishing school, working, seeing friends, and doing things outside of your relationship with him. "Fighting" for him will only do the opposite of what you want to achieve

I am truly sorry youre hurting.  Break ups suck  

Edited October 4, 2021 by Daisydooks

[buddy825]

No contact rule is filled with holes. It depends on the situation, if someone is done with the relationship then most likely the no contact will continue for the rest of your life. Trying to get someone back from using no contact is an illusion, if they come back they would have anyway without no-contact. If someone breaks off the relationship with you they know how to get in touch with you if they wanted to and if you don't hear from them you have your answer. Moving on is very difficult if you've been dumped, minutes seem like hours and days like months but as been said here many times it is a slow process and takes time to heal.