Best Friends to Relationship to Abrupt LDR break-up

[Jude]

Hi. My boyfriend of over a year broke up with me two weeks ago and I have been dealing with a lot of anxiety and depression surrounding it and was wondering if anyone had any advice on how to get my life back on track as I thought I would be able to properly function by now. 

Just for some context; my ex and I studied together for 3 years and were best friends. In the latter part of our friendship we were intimate but he always played his cards very close to his chest. I did a lot for him when we were friends: drove him around when he didn't have a car, paid for a lot of 'activities' together, helped him out a lot with his university work as I was a better academic and often felt like I didn't get much in return besides for him being there. I built up quite a dependence on him even prior to us dating. I knew I loved him before we started dating but never dared to tell him as he was extremely emotionally unavailable and never thought he would think of me in that way as I did believe that he kept me around only for the 'benefits'. Finally, one night in May 2020 after three years of us being best friends, he was over at my house and after a few drinks we got into bed and he told me he wanted to be with me exclusively. I felt that I had truly never been so happy in my life, however, I had this feeling of impending doom at the beginning as I was so scared that if things ended, so would our friendship and expressed this in my diary a day or two after we started dating.

This is the first relationship either one of us had been in - we were both 21 at the time - and the first year was lovely. He was studying and I was working and we spent all of our free time together. My family and friends maintain that I did way more for him than he ever did for me but I don't think they fully understand how much I relied on him emotionally. I was in a very good space when we had started dating; it was in lockdown and I was spending a lot of time alone and truly started to feel as though I was content with myself for the first time. When he was in the same city as me everything felt perfect but at the beginning of this year he had to find a job and couldn't find one here and, therefore, had to move a 2 hour flight away. I was very sad about it but we decided we'd continue the relationship long distance. As he was only a 2 hour flight away, we decided that one of us would visit the other every month. He moved away in April - I drove with him up there, spent a night and flew back home. The first few days were, of course, rough as I'd grown used to seeing him everyday but we were still very much in love and there was comfort in knowing that no matter how far apart, he was mine and I was his. 

I flew up to see him a month later and I could feel that something was off. I'd stayed for a week and he seemed extremely distant. I tried to talk to him about it but he told me that it was due to stress at work and I believed him. I left feeling quite insecure as prior to my visit he was telling me how much he loved me and missed me and couldn't wait to see me - things I would imagine no one could ever lie about. After I left, things resumed as per usual but a bit of bickering ensued. We fought about petty things and always resolved things the same day but after that first visit, nothing quite felt the same. 

A month forward he came back down for 6 weeks as the firm he worked for ordered everyone to work from home for a while due to COVID. During those 6 weeks he lived with me full time - we spent every second together and I felt so secure in our relationship and was so in love. However, one night we went out for dinner and he told me he didn't feel as though I loved him as much as he loved me which made me extremely confused. I reassured him that I loved him so much and he said he didn't believe me and that he was becoming insecure which is something he rarely is. He said that he was starting to change which he didn't like but I told him it probably had a lot to do with the distance which he didn't buy. After that, I tried to show him more affection and everything seemed fine and back to normal and after those six weeks he left again. 

After he'd left we started arguing quite a bit, mostly about our communication. I often found myself asking him to speak to me more often and he would just apologise (quite uncharacteristic of him as he usually fought his side) and say he'll try better. The communication didn't improve and I felt him being despondent but he would still tell me how much he loved and missed me and wanted to hold me etc. which made me feel secure. One Sunday, we spoke throughout the day (where he was telling me how much he loved and missed me) and then the evening we spoke on facetime as we did most nights and ended the call saying we'd carry on speaking via text but we both needed to get some work done. He called me back about 5 minutes later and ended things saying that we were "incompatible" and that we were only together as we didn't want to be alone. I was absolutely floored as just that day he was telling me he loved me etc. I hung up the phone and went into an absolute spiral. The person I had been best friends with for three years and then in a relationship with for nearly two might not be in my life anymore. I spoke to him via text for the next 2 days just because I needed answers. He told me that he thought our relationship had been forced which hurt so much considering I truly loved him so much and couldn't imagine my life without him. He told me that he still considered me his best friend and that he'll always love me "more than a gf". I told him that I couldn't speak to him anymore as I needed to process and heal and we've been NC since. I had booked a flight to see him that weekend which I obviously had to cancel. I dropped his stuff off that was at my house at his parents' and said bye to them and thanked them for everything as they'd been in my life for nearly 5 years as well as sent a goodbye message to his sister. He sent me a message to tell my parents "thanks" and sent a message to two of my friends to tell them to "help me as I was going through a rough time" which I found to be EXTREMELY patronising.

It's been nearly two weeks since we've spoken and I'm really struggling. I've been vomiting, not eating, having panic attacks, difficulty sleeping etc. Every night I go to bed and hope that by some miracle he messages me and tells me he's made a mistake. I am so excited for him to come back in a month so that I can see him. Everyday I have the urge to message him to tell him how big of a mistake he's made and that I love him so much and miss him. I have kept myself so occupied - I haven't had a moment to think in the past two weeks as I refuse to be left to my own thoughts. I want so badly to still have him in my life but I'm so extremely scared that if we remain friends he'll hurt me again but he's been my best friend for five years and just the thing I was so scared was going to happen when we first started dating has happened. I lost the one person that I've relied on for my happiness for 5 years. Do you think it's possible that I can still have him in my life? When do you think I'll be healed enough for that to be possible? He has been such an integral part of my life that I'm finding it so so difficult to accept that he might not be anymore. How do I learn to be by myself again when the most important person in my life has exited it? I'm so desperate to get better but I'm scared I'm doing it in the hopes that he might want me back. How do I change that mindset? How do I rediscover who I am and start living my life solely for me?

[d0nnivain]

Unfortunately even when you started as friends, when the romance ends, the friendship doesn't come back.  You will never been the same kind of good friends who spend time with each other & share.  As soon as one of you gets a new romance, that new SO will kibosh this friendship.  At best you will be somebody you used to know -- connected on social media, don't really see each other, maybe get a birthday or holiday card & can co-exist peacefully if you interact with mutual friends.  

You heal by staying NC,  jettisoning the mementos & keeping yourself busy.  

[Jude]

16 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Unfortunately even when you started as friends, when the romance ends, the friendship doesn't come back.  You will never been the same kind of good friends who spend time with each other & share.  As soon as one of you gets a new romance, that new SO will kibosh this friendship.  At best you will be somebody you used to know -- connected on social media, don't really see each other, maybe get a birthday or holiday card & can co-exist peacefully if you interact with mutual friends.  

You heal by staying NC,  jettisoning the mementos & keeping yourself busy.  

Thanks! I know this is true but it’s so difficult to get it through my head sadly as I find myself believing there’s ‘hope’. How do I get this out of my head? 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 9/24/2021 at 7:22 PM, Jude said:

Thanks! I know this is true but it’s so difficult to get it through my head sadly as I find myself believing there’s ‘hope’. How do I get this out of my head? 

Probably not the answer your're hoping for  - time. And space away from him. Lots of it.

That includes when he comes home in a month. Seeing him is a bad idea, so please don't make plans to meet him. Chances are that he won't be so eager for a meet-up anyway, really - and not because he has anything against you, but because he knows it will be awkward because he doesn't share your feelings anymore and he knows he hurt you. 

As such, you won't be able to go back to the friendship you once had. The goalposts changed once you started dating, and now that you have broken up, things are going to be different. And that's ok. It sounds like you became too reliant on him for your happiness, so embarking on a new journey to stand on your own two feet will benefit you in so many ways. Most of us go through this after a break-up of a significant relationship. It's tough but we learn other ways to find support and company. 

And will you really want to be his friend when he eventually gets a new girlfriend? That will hurt you too much, and that is what will happen, sooner or later. You're both single now, so someday you will both move on to other people. Keep that as motivation to stay away from him when the urge to contact him gets overwhelming. 

[Wiseman2]

On 9/24/2021 at 12:01 PM, Jude said:

 I've been vomiting, not eating, having panic attacks, difficulty sleeping etc. 

Sorry this happened. Break-ups hurt. Heartaches can cause a lot of pain.

Unfortunately your reaction is extreme. It would be best to consult a physician about your symptoms and ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Keep in mind your excessive attachment in itself is more of a symptom of larger underlying issues.

 

Edited September 26, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Jude]

Someone has asked me on a date (it’s been just over two weeks since my ex broke up with me). I’m not too keen on going but want to start putting myself out there to show myself that there are others. Is it too soon? Do you think it’s a good idea? 

[Alpacalia]

On 9/24/2021 at 9:01 AM, Jude said:

It's been nearly two weeks since we've spoken and I'm really struggling. I've been vomiting, not eating, having panic attacks, difficulty sleeping etc

Sorry to hear about your break-up.

It's only been two weeks. Go easy on yourself.

That's just your body's natural stress response initiating a cascade of physiological responses.

Have you been feeling any better since Friday?

39 minutes ago, Jude said:

Someone has asked me on a date (it’s been just over two weeks since my ex broke up with me). I’m not too keen on going but want to start putting myself out there to show myself that there are others. Is it too soon? Do you think it’s a good idea? 

 

[Jude]

28 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

Sorry to hear about your break-up.

It's only been two weeks. Go easy on yourself.

That's just your body's natural stress response initiating a cascade of physiological responses.

Have you been feeling any better since Friday?

 

I have been feeling somewhat better. I’ve been avoiding alcohol but I went out with friends on Saturday night where I met a guy that has asked me on a date. I find him attractive and there’s comfort in knowing that I can find other people but I found myself getting sad as it made me realise that I don’t want anyone else and I so badly want that feeling to pass. I think I will go on the date just for the sake of it - do you think it’s too soon? 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Jude said:

Someone has asked me on a date (it’s been just over two weeks since my ex broke up with me). I’m not too keen on going but want to start putting myself out there to show myself that there are others. Is it too soon? Do you think it’s a good idea? 

No, I don't think it's a good idea. Not yet. 

Some might suggest you go and have fun anyway, but given that you're not anywhere near over your ex, I feel it would be unfair to accept a date from someone else. It's not fair on that person to "use" them (for lack of a better term) to help you get over your relationship and cope with your break-up. It will hurt you too, because you will almost surely wind up comparing this person to your ex and make you miss him all over again. 

The best thing you can do is give yourself time to heal, and learn be to be strong and content as a single woman. That will put you in a much better position to date later on, rather than trying to heal your pain over one guy by distracting yourself with another. 

[Jude]

He’s just messaged 2 of my friends asking how I’m doing - one of them hasn’t replied but the other did before I could tell her not to. She told him that I’m focussing on uni but I want him to stop contacting them. Should they message him to say stop? Or just ignore?

[Jude]

1 hour ago, Jude said:

He’s just messaged 2 of my friends asking how I’m doing - one of them hasn’t replied but the other did before I could tell her not to. She told him that I’m focussing on uni but I want him to stop contacting them. Should they message him to say stop? Or just ignore?

They told him not to message them but now he’s messaged me apologising for messaging them and saying that he just wanted to check in. Should I ignore it? 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Jude said:

Someone has asked me on a date. Do you think it’s a good idea? 

Yes. Go, it's just a date. It's been (constructively) over for a while so enjoy your life again.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Jude said:

They told him not to message them but now he’s messaged me apologising for messaging them and saying that he just wanted to check in. Should I ignore it? 

Just tell him directly to not contact you or your friends any more. 

And leave it at that. 

[Alpacalia]

8 hours ago, Jude said:

I have been feeling somewhat better. I’ve been avoiding alcohol but I went out with friends on Saturday night where I met a guy that has asked me on a date. I find him attractive and there’s comfort in knowing that I can find other people but I found myself getting sad as it made me realise that I don’t want anyone else and I so badly want that feeling to pass. I think I will go on the date just for the sake of it - do you think it’s too soon? 

Glad you're feeling better!

Depends on the impact of the breakup.

If YOU feel ready to move on from a place of strength and constructive action in your life, two weeks post-break-up following a one year relationship may work for you.

If you want to date someone out of despair and neediness, you might probably give yourself a little more time.

Other times, fate brings good people into our lives just when we need them after a breakup.

Edited September 27, 2021 by Alpaca

[Jude]

I messaged my ex back telling him to not contact my friends or I and respect my boundaries. He said ‘no problem. I understand’ and I read and didn’t reply. I’ll be going on the date on Thursday. 

[glows]

Inform your friends not to answer his questions about you. It's absurd that he's fishing for answers like that. He's a grown man who broke up with you so he should be expected to move on and keep his wandering thoughts to himself, not to pry. Your friends might want to move on from this relationship also and block/delete him from their contacts as you are no longer an item. 

It's up to you if you want to go out with someone new.

Enjoy your outting but this is a meet and greet, not a date, if you are meeting for the first time. Treat it as no expectations and go with the flow. 

 

Edited September 27, 2021 by glows

[CindyLou1]

Honestly, I was the same way after my BU - I was having bad anxiety attacks, unable to sleep or eat or even function as a human being. I had to go to therapy and focus on getting my life together. Even though I didn't feel like it. It was difficult just to breathe and think.

All I can tell you is, treat yourself. Go get your hair done, go shopping and buy some new clothes, pick up something new as a hobby and throw yourself into experiencing new things. It helps, trust me. I did a lot of new things and the biggest one was buying a bird, it gave me a reason to get out of bed every morning, I had to clean it's cage, feed it, give it baths etc. In some ways, it made my life better having this as a responsibility, even if it was small. 

If you need to talk don't hesitate to reach out via PM

[Jude]

16 minutes ago, QueenBanrigh said:

Honestly, I was the same way after my BU - I was having bad anxiety attacks, unable to sleep or eat or even function as a human being. I had to go to therapy and focus on getting my life together. Even though I didn't feel like it. It was difficult just to breathe and think.

All I can tell you is, treat yourself. Go get your hair done, go shopping and buy some new clothes, pick up something new as a hobby and throw yourself into experiencing new things. It helps, trust me. I did a lot of new things and the biggest one was buying a bird, it gave me a reason to get out of bed every morning, I had to clean it's cage, feed it, give it baths etc. In some ways, it made my life better having this as a responsibility, even if it was small. 

If you need to talk don't hesitate to reach out via PM

I would love to PM! How do I do so? 

[basil67]

1 minute ago, Jude said:

I would love to PM! How do I do so? 

Hi Jude, both of you would need to be established members before getting PM privileges.  I think it's somewhere around 100 posts. 

[CindyLou1]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Hi Jude, both of you would need to be established members before getting PM privileges.  I think it's somewhere around 100 posts. 

Oh, I didn't know that lol. 

My apologies, Jude : )

[Jude]

35 minutes ago, QueenBanrigh said:

Oh, I didn't know that lol. 

My apologies, Jude : )

All good! thanks for the offer though! 

[Jude]

I've told the person that asked me on the date that I won't be able to make it - I was very honest with him and told him that I'd just gotten out of a relationship and didn't want to be presumptuous, however, don't think it's fair to go on the date when I'm still processing my past relationship. It felt good to be honest with him and I'm proud of myself for doing so. I'm going to my second therapy session on Saturday and trying hard to focus on my university work although it's somewhat difficult.

[Jude]

Hi all, nothing has changed in my situation but I’m still really hurting and I cannot for the life of me concentrate on anything. I have cried nearly everyday since the BU and I was really hoping by now I would have felt somewhat better. I feel like I’m doing everything I possibly can to make myself feel better: going for runs everyday, eating better, going to therapy, seeing friends, meditating, trying to focus on university work but I still feel so so lost nearly a month post-BU. My exams are in just over a month and I don’t really have time to grieve and wallow even though I know that is perhaps what I need. Does anyone have advice on how I can at least try to stay focussed? 

[d0nnivain]

Just go hour by hour.  Do what you can do to not fall behind in school but as for the rest of it, you are hurting.  Grief takes time. 

I make lists after a break up.  That always helped me.  Some of my favorites were

• All the reasons he was bad for me
• things I want to do now that I have more time 
• things I want to change about myself (now is a great time to start exercising or get a new hair cut) 

Having positive things to look forward to is motiving.  It's college. . . there are friends next door & distractions abound.  

 

[Alpacalia]

Can you check out some of your University's student activity groups?

Maybe a skill development class or talk with a peer coach to help get you on track?
(not to discuss your break-up but they can give you tips on how to focus overall)

What about utilizing their health services department?

It sounds like you're doing everything right so just keep with it.

Give yourself time, it's okay that you're still upset.

I hope you feel better.

Edited October 4, 2021 by Alpaca