Interfering Father

[Fatherissue]

I'm in my 40s separated with 2 children coming up on 2 years.

I met someone 13 months ago who makes me very happy however he is on a lower salary to the standard my family would be "used to"

My father's very wealthy and has funded my legal fees and also helping towards my mortgage as my ex husband no longer pays it 

My partners job role would have been high risk during covid and my father was extremely unhappy that I stayed with him. Caused a huge family argument in which he told me that I threw everything back in his face due to who I was dating.

I decided to end the relationship but after 2 months we got back together. Now 13 months in all my family are aware of him except my father. I am now in need of advise on how to approach him as I want to build a life with my current partner but I feel like my father thinks he has a control over me as he is helping me financially 

Does anyone have any advise on how to best approach this. I will also mention that my father has an extremely verbally aggressive attitude and if he decides something it's very difficult to change his mind.

Thanks 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Fatherissue said:

My father's very wealthy and has funded my legal fees and also helping towards my mortgage as my ex husband no longer pays it 

Will your father cut you off financially if you date this man?

Is this man living in your house that your father finances?

You'll have to decide if you want to be supported by your father or be your own person.

Is this man after your family money? What is the objection to him?

[Fatherissue]

No we are not living together yet but if we were to move together then my father wouldn't be aiding towards the mortgage on the home as I wouldn't need him to 

The main issue with my father is he does not want me to date this man as he doesn't earn enough money 

I am trying to find a a way to explain that we love each other and we are very happy but I know it will lead to a huge argument 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Fatherissue said:

 The main issue with my father is he does not want me to date this man as he doesn't earn enough money 

You can be financially dependant on your father if you wish, but it seems there's disapproval.

What you are talking about can't be changed. You want to date someone but fear your father will cut you off financially.

You're a grown woman so you don't need approval to date. But don't expect your father to subsidize your choices.

You've already made clear that you want this man. You don't need another Romeo and Juliet discussion on true love.

Make up your mind. This guy or dad's money. It's that simple.

[S2B]

So you work full time? 

[d0nnivain]

13 hours ago, Fatherissue said:

My father's very wealthy and has funded my legal fees and also helping towards my mortgage as my ex husband no longer pays it 

The Golden Rule states that he who has the gold makes the rules. 

If you love your partner & want to be with him, do that but stop expecting dear old dad to foot the bill.  If you can't afford your lifestyle without daddy, either accept his rules about who you date or change your lifestyle to something you can afford.  By voluntarily getting off the gravy training & earning enough money to support yourself dad should develop respect for you for doing it on your own.  Until then dad will always see you as a foolish child who has to be handled & micromanaged because she is not worldly or independent enough to make good decisions on her own.  

There is no scenario where dad is going to be voluntarily subsidize your life with this new guy.  

[Fatherissue]

I never wanted my father to support me financially but he forced his way in as he can be quite controlling. 

I don't want him to financially support me and I have insisted once my divorce is finalised I will be repaying him all of the money 

The issue I have is that he thinks as he is helping out that he can dictate who I choose to end up with as a partner 

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Fatherissue said:

I have insisted once my divorce is finalised....

You are still legally married? How long have you been dating the new man?

Slow down. If you can not afford your mortgage and your father supports you there's nothing you can do.

Why shove this man down your father's throat? Stop.

Get legally divorced. Get on your feet financially and then consider dating.

You're not marrying this man tomorrow (since you are still married)so what is the hurry forcing him on your father?

[d0nnivain]

12 minutes ago, Fatherissue said:

I never wanted my father to support me financially but he forced his way in as he can be quite controlling. 

I don't want him to financially support me and I have insisted once my divorce is finalised I will be repaying him all of the money 

The issue I have is that he thinks as he is helping out that he can dictate who I choose to end up with as a partner 

Then stop accepting the money.  Pay dad back now & do what you want.  Don't wait until your divorce is final.  

[Fatherissue]

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You are still legally married? How long have you been dating the new man?

Slow down. If you can not afford your mortgage and your father supports you there's nothing you can do.

Why shove this man down your father's throat? Stop.

Get legally divorced. Get on your feet financially and then consider dating.

You're not marrying this man tomorrow (since you are still married)so what is the hurry forcing him on your father?

Where I'm from it takes 5 years to divorce so it's very common to move on before that is finalised 

[glows]

It's probably best to date your current partner for awhile longer before cohabitating. Get to know one another more. What mistakes you made in your previous marriage, don't repeat them again. I agree on slowing things down. It's not about your father. He's a helper only and a generous one too. 

If you want to have your partner move in against the advice of others, then explain to your father that you are thankful for his help and you are ready to move on. 

I also suggest you have savings and income enough to cover the mortgage on your own should this relationship end and your current partner move out. Don't keep expecting your father to bail you out. He's done it once. He doesn't want to have to do it a second time. Or, have a plan in place so that you can provide for yourself. A plan B. I assure you every parent wants to see their child independent.

 

Edited September 25, 2021 by glows

[FMW]

Maybe consider selling your house and getting a place you can afford on your own.  If that's not an option right now, you will have to deal with your father as long as he's financially supporting you.  Money almost always comes with strings attached.

[ShyViolet]

9 hours ago, Fatherissue said:

I never wanted my father to support me financially but he forced his way in as he can be quite controlling. 

Stop accepting money from your father, and stop letting him control your life.  You are a grown woman in your 40s, you are not a child.  Your father can't control anything about your life unless you let him.  You don't need your father's approval about who you date, where you live, what you do.  Separate yourself and stop allowing it.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Fatherissue said:

Where I'm from it takes 5 years to divorce so it's very common to move on before that is finalised 

Ok. But slow down the seriousness, for example moving in etc. That way it may eventually become more palatable to your father. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Don't even think about moving in together for now. 

There is a good chance that your father knows, but is pretending not to know. You've told family, right? Well family members are notorious for spilling secrets--intentionally an unintentionally. Sometimes the secret gets spilled because the body language of a sibling in on a secret is awkward when answering a question in way that protects the secret. Lots of people are bad liars. Their awkwardness and discomfort gives them away. 

How rebellious and independent have you been so far in your life? By rebellious, I don't mean destructive or "anti" anything--more that you have a history of going your own way even as it diverges from your father's expectations and hopes. The more you've cut your own path so far,  the greater chance your dad knows you aren't going to bend to his wishes.

Really you need to write out a script and practice speaking to your dad. You smother him with love and appreciation and thanks ... and then you drop the bomb on him. But why do you have to tell him right now? Put off telling him for as long as possible-- like until a few days before the wedding. I kid, of course. Seriously, put off telling him til you're ready.  Doesn't sound like you're emotionally ready yet to tell him, so put it off. 

Later, when you decide to tell him, plan it out, with the script but also perhaps with some of your siblings (presumably supportive ones) present when you spill the news to dad. 

Is there a mom in the picture? Still married to dad? Does she know? If so, I almost guarantee you that dad knows. 

 

[S2B]

Do you work full time? Do you earn enough to support yourself?

[spiderowl]

On 9/24/2021 at 11:34 PM, Fatherissue said:

I'm in my 40s separated with 2 children coming up on 2 years.

I met someone 13 months ago who makes me very happy however he is on a lower salary to the standard my family would be "used to"

My father's very wealthy and has funded my legal fees and also helping towards my mortgage as my ex husband no longer pays it 

My partners job role would have been high risk during covid and my father was extremely unhappy that I stayed with him. Caused a huge family argument in which he told me that I threw everything back in his face due to who I was dating.

I decided to end the relationship but after 2 months we got back together. Now 13 months in all my family are aware of him except my father. I am now in need of advise on how to approach him as I want to build a life with my current partner but I feel like my father thinks he has a control over me as he is helping me financially 

Does anyone have any advise on how to best approach this. I will also mention that my father has an extremely verbally aggressive attitude and if he decides something it's very difficult to change his mind.

Thanks 

I honestly don't know how you can approach your father but if you think it is time to do so, then you might as well.  You will need to have plans for how to pay your mortgage if he withdraws his funding, which he probably will.  

Like with anything that is shocking, your dad is likely to go through various stages in his understanding of what's happened:

- shock

- anger

- disbelief

- bargaining

- gradually coming to terms with it

- acceptance or non-acceptance.

So be prepared for all these stages.  I doubt there is a way you could tell him where he will not react with shock and anger if he is not already aware.  Keep it simple, that you are back together, that you want to build a life with this guy, that you are grateful to your dad for all his wonderful help.  Tell him how much you love him and appreciate his guidance and concern but that you have to make some choices for yourself.  Then, give him time to express his shock and anger.  Try to maintain your composure and stay firm but kind.  He will go away and may not want contact with you again until or unless he has cooled down.  He may try to dissuade you.  He may even try to blackmail you but if you are prepared, he won't have any leverage.  Eventually, he may come to terms with it or it may lead to a longer-term problem or estrangement.  

I can see why others are saying leave it until you absolutely have to tell him, or until you have a job and are paying the mortgage yourself, but if you are sure you and your partner will be able to pay the mortgage, it seems foolish to wait until your father hears from someone else and is all the more angry that he was the only one kept in the dark.

Bearing in mind that you are not divorced yet, were you expecting your father you pick up the bills for that?  If so, you will probably need to find another way to pay those bills.  If he does not like your new guy, he is unlikely to want to encourage you to divorce so you can marry him.

[vla1120]

I'll tell you what I tell my daughters - don't depend on anyone but yourself for anything. That includes spouses/partners. If you cannot afford your mortgage on your own, then you should downsize. As long as you allow your father to foot the bills, he's going to feel entitled to have a say in your life. Also, don't be in a hurry to jump into another relationship, even if it has been two years. Trust me. You should be alone for awhile. Raise your children without the influence of someone not related to them. Make those children your priority. Keep casually dating for as long as you want to, but don't bring him into your home with your kids.