Approaching family after estrangement

[Dahu]

I am considering trying to meet some of my family after a large period of estrangement and would like to know what other people thought. 

The relationship with my immediate family has broken down beyond recovery. My intention is to approach my extended family and build some form of relationship. I have been surviving with no family at all for my entire adulthood, and I haven't had any luck with other relationships either. Most of life has been spent living in poverty without any kind of help. 

Considering this it's hard to see how this is going to work. I don't have a partner, a career, a house, or anything special. Without any kind of serious accomplishment people see you as a loser and a slacker. I've never had choices or opportunities in life and have had to scrap by in isolation, and know that isn't something people tolerate to hear. 

The reasons why my ex-family fell apart are horrible and I am done with them. But will that be misinterpreted as feuding on my part, an unwillingness to "start growing up". My aim is for a peaceful and mature relationship with my existing relatives, not go around pointing fingers and complaining. But somewhere along the line if not immediately, things are going to need to be accounted for, and that's going to be awkward at least. 

So I don't know. Is there any point in trying? I don't want to keep going at things alone, that's not much of an adulthood. But I know how ruthless people are and if they're just going to blink innocently or gloat when I explain myself what is the point. Maybe in that case I wasn't supposed to have a family. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Dahu said:

. I don't have a partner, a career, a house, or anything special. 

Are you homeless? Go to social services and get help with food, clothing, shelter, medical care, career training and employment help. Start there.

Take care of yourself first. When things are better, look up extended family on social media and connect through that. Take things slowly.

If anyone is toxic, continue to stay away. Try not to fall into Hallmark card myths about some Disney family and a Hollywood happy ending.

Most of all get whatever help is available to stabilize your life.

[d0nnivain]

There is a point in trying but not right now.   You will be better off if you can come to them having accomplished something.  You seem to write clearly so there is that. 

Make a plan.  Go to a local library & read some self help books.  Reach out to agencies for help with food / shelter if you don't have those things.  Maybe try for some skills / retraining.  You say you don't have a career but do you have a job?  Can you make that a career?  Even fast food is willing to help employees get additional education & get onto a management track.  If you are under 40 you can still apply to go into the military.  They will give you skills & money for education.  They will be a substitute family, give you a place to live, & provide you with a purpose  

[Dahu]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you homeless? Go to social services and get help with food, clothing, shelter, medical care, career training and employment help. Start there.

Take care of yourself first. When things are better, look up extended family on social media and connect through that. Take things slowly.

If anyone is toxic, continue to stay away. Try not to fall into Hallmark card myths about some Disney family and a Hollywood happy ending.

No but I have been homeless and dealt with social services. What happens when you say that to family you've never met - sounds dangerously close to criticism, doesn't it. That conversation could go either way. Do you see the problem?

The "toxic people" can't be trusted to not poke around if they heard about me again. But a policy of defining people as either toxic or non-toxic is not going to impress anyone, especially if one of them turns out to be a trusted relative. They won't stay away, either. 

5 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Make a plan.  Go to a local library & read some self help books.  Reach out to agencies for help with food / shelter if you don't have those things.  Maybe try for some skills / retraining.  You say you don't have a career but do you have a job?  Can you make that a career?  Even fast food is willing to help employees get additional education & get onto a management track.  If you are under 40 you can still apply to go into the military.  They will give you skills & money for education.  They will be a substitute family, give you a place to live, & provide you with a purpose  

Speaking english and having an internet connection may be all you need in America but it is not enough in this country. If you want skills, a career or training, your opportunities and expectations are based on family. There is no substitution apart from crime, and not having family is also somewhat criminal (taboo). 

I can get dead end jobs, but what about careers or opportunities that match my potential? Again we're in difficult territory. I need to explain my lack of success, they need to explain their lack of support to get that success. The easiest option for everyone in that case is to stay away from each other forever. That would be my poorest outcome. Being successful is the most powerful if not the only way to be taken seriously. Without that success, and without a supportive successful family, there's no ground for a relationship to exist on. How's that my fault, that the onus has to be on me to build careers and wealth out of nothing? 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Dahu said:

Speaking english and having an internet connection may be all you need in America but it is not enough in this country. There is no substitution apart from crime, and not having family is also somewhat criminal (taboo). 

No one on this site can send you money, so it's unclear why you are not seeking help locally if everything taboo or you have to resort to criminal activity.

[basil67]

3 hours ago, Dahu said:

The onus has to be on me to build careers and wealth out of nothing? 

The onus is on you because it's your life.  

Most of us don't walk into careers and wealth.  Heck, most of us don't even end up with "wealth".   If we do well, we end up with a stable job and a stable roof over our head with loving friends and family.   If university isn't an option, we work our way up from the bottom, not looking down our nose at what you term "dead end jobs".  In your situation, I'd look at applying for a management trainee position in a service industry and work your way up.  When you're highly qualified, start looking for other job which will send you in the right direction.  

Or you could work a 'dead end job' at nights while studying for a trade qualification.

[d0nnivain]

If you need family connections in your country, is there a way for you to strike out on your own & emigrate somewhere those connections are not required to get ahead?  

[Dahu]

11 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

If you need family connections in your country, is there a way for you to strike out on your own & emigrate somewhere those connections are not required to get ahead?  

That's the plan when the capital to support such a venture becomes available. A lot of people do this here 

[d0nnivain]

Do you have a budget?  Figure out how much it will cost you then start writing lists of ways to make money & start growing your savings.  

[spiderowl]

I am sorry you are in this situation of being so alone, OP.  Obviously, we do not know what happened with your family, but assuming you have done nothing wrong there is no reason why you should not engage with your extended family.  At some point, one of them is going to want to know what happened from your point of view, but that is natural and especially if they care about you and are concerned for you.  You would need to be prepared for those questions.

You have been through hard times, are probably still going through hard times, but if your extended family want to rebuild a relationship with you, then there is no reason why you should not try to do this.  They may wonder why you have appeared out of the blue, so be prepared with an answer - maybe that you miss your family and would like to maintain relationships where possible.

If your extended family members do not respect what you have been through, then that is their issue and you would be wasting your time with them.  Anyone who cared about you would be pleased you got in contact, I'm sure.  Again, this depends on the reasons for the estrangement - if they think you deliberately hurt someone or stole something from them, then you may not get a welcome.  I would suggest contacting the ones you got on best with, maybe one at a time, and seeing how it goes.

You should not have to prove that you have great achievements in order for your family to care about you.  Being honest and being caring yourself should be sufficient.

Good luck!

[glows]

Your family asking questions is a healthy thing. If you are not prepared to answer those questions or be accountable for your own actions, then you are better off alone - not answering to anyone. Keep in mind that anyone who might offer you help would also want to know more context and find out more about your situation. It's the responsible thing to do - asking questions and getting better context of your situation. You might be experiencing some loneliness and feeling stagnant, not growing. 

Find support and speak to community services if you need direct help with housing or food or are seeking counselling to deal with any other issues. 

[Dahu]

3 hours ago, glows said:

Your family asking questions is a healthy thing. If you are not prepared to answer those questions or be accountable for your own actions, then you are better off alone - not answering to anyone. Keep in mind that anyone who might offer you help would also want to know more context and find out more about your situation. It's the responsible thing to do - asking questions and getting better context of your situation.

I'm prepared to explain myself. What if they're not prepared for the answers? Some serious things happened, and I'm not small and easy to hurt anymore. Do you think that is going to be an issue? 

The things that happened are embarrassing to any family's track record. It's not a coincidence I'm on my own - some people have tried to cover me up. What if just attempting to contact anyone causes all kinds of unhappy mayhem. That will make me look great, won't it. 

In regards to specifics please don't ask. I have already tried this and it upsets others as well as myself when people who've never met me say, "That didn't happen." 

[glows]

1 minute ago, Dahu said:

I'm prepared to explain myself. What if they're not prepared for the answers? Some serious things happened, and I'm not small and easy to hurt anymore. Do you think that is going to be an issue? 

The things that happened are embarrassing to any family's track record. It's not a coincidence I'm on my own - some people have tried to cover me up. What if just attempting to contact anyone causes all kinds of unhappy mayhem. That will make me look great, won't it. 

In regards to specifics please don't ask. I have already tried this and it upsets others as well as myself when people who've never met me say, "That didn't happen." 

That depends on your intentions. If your intentions are cruel or lacking in consideration for others and misguided or seen as malicious then no, I don't think your estranged family members would welcome your presence or what you have to say. You have lost touch with them and it seems the circumstances were embarrassing, suggesting that your presence or any answers you provide would be shameful or stressful to others. One would have to seriously ask why you would seek that and not let go of the past.

Since we don't have the full context here on the forum, it would be difficult to guide you. 

[Daisydooks]

Are you looking to reconnect so you have close family bonds? Tell them that.  If you're met with nastiness, go back to doing what youre doing now, which is having zero relationship with them. Delete, block, bless and release.

Do you fear they will think youre reaching out for financial assistance because youre not rolling in money, have a career, etc.?

Without knowing what happened its hard to know how they will react or truly how to advise you (and Im not going to tell you it didn't happen or that your feelings dont matter. They do.)

I guess maybe I dont understand why you wouldn't reach out if you really want to share a relationship with them. Let them know that is your intention. Any nastiness will be met by you with being blocked/deleted again. You go on with your life as you have been. Simply end the conversation and dont fight, or even defend your stance. Its not worth it emotionally/mentally for you. You've lived without them this long. You can do it again if they're nasty or hostile 

"Having family in my life has become increasingly important as I get older, a lot of time has passed and I would love to build a relationship with you" is what I would lead with when and if you reach out. 

[Noproblem]

I just don't understand this

You cut ties with family, but wanna reconnect with another extended family? What is that?

what extended family? Do you think extended family will offer you help? or shelter?

I see so many excuses... I can't do that because a, b, c etc

I don't know. Send them a letter explaining yourself I guess and ask them for a new beginning!

 

Anyway. You should try to find a job online and improve your life and of course find a partner then since you are lonely,