He's moved on without a care in the world.

[Emm21]

I’m sorry this is a looong story but I hope you will manage to get to the end. 

My long term partner cheated on me late 2019. Only 7 months before, we had come out the other end of 6 months of mental and emotional abuse that he put me through. He he was taking drugs overseas (African country where he worked) as he was struggling to cope over there. I took that on, put his mental health first and loved him through it so he would come home safe. I suffered a huge amount from that but I thought it had brought us closer together or so I believed. We did have some financial difficulty as a result as he was off work for 5 months but things were ok. 

He went back working in Aus and I found out he had been sleeping with someone out on his mining worksite/camp for a few months. I had had a gut feeling something wasn’t right and I managed to get hold of his phone that he guarded so carefully. When I found out, his only concern was that she wouldn’t like him anymore because I had called to tell her he had a family and to leave us all alone as they were destroying my life and the lives of 3 innocent children.

My ex partner and I managed to talk about things and I believed we were sorting things out, he told me he would stop the contact with OW and that she had moved back to Poland to be with her family. I think she is also a lot younger than him.  

My ex went back to Africa in Jan 2020 for work and was supposed to be home in April but covid obviously hit and travel became difficult. We were really good, video calls everyday, he would tell me he loved me, etc up until July 2020 when he asked me to transfer $20,000 as he was going on a holiday. Turns out he went to Tanzania with OW for a few weeks then carried on to Poland for 3 weeks. I only found this out through the Australian embassy as he hadn’t bothered to call home or even stay in contact with his us and we were concerned for his well-being so they tracked him down.

He has since continued visiting her every other month instead of coming home. He often video calls me from her couch where he’s lazing about while she is at work or video calls for an hour before or after his shifts when at work. He talks about her like this situation is completely normal and tells me how much I would like Poland. Sometimes we won’t hear from him for three weeks or so. He also has two other children to his ex wife and I could count on one hand how many times he has called them in the last nearly 2 years. 

Anyway February 2021 came and I received a message from OW saying she was worried about my ex as he was seeing things and accusing her of things, that she couldn’t trust him. This happened to be the same torment he put me through back in 2018 for months on end. I told her I wasn’t interested in talking, that she wanted him and he was her problem now. She said that my ex’s and my relationship wasn’t good, that we didn’t get along and that I had told her she could have him. She also said that she loved him so it basically meant what they were doing was all ok. I told her she had no idea what he is like, the lies he has told and that we were very much together when he cheated on me with her and when he left for Africa. She said he had told her that I was moving to NZ and I said that I was very much still in Australia living in our house and taking care of our life here. I felt like I had to be nice to her as I needed him to be healthy and ok as he was still paying the mortgage etc and we both couldn’t afford him to lose his job again. Anyway she told him that we had been talking and he rang up begging me to tell her we hadn’t been together for a long time. It absolutely killed me but I felt I had to do it as I thought he would get angry and he obviously wasn’t in a good frame of mind. I told her that we were together up until July 20 when he disappeared on holiday with her and that he obviously wants to be with her and not me. 

It’s now Sep 21 and I hate that I had to do the above to keep them both happy individually and in their relationship. It’s kills me that they don’t know or care how much they have destroyed and that she doesn’t know the full truth. 

He just upped and left me and my son, (although not financially but I have been asking him to sort out that part of our lives). I would love to tell her that I’m still here, that he is still asks to see nude type pictures and videos of me doing sexual things for him. Sometimes I feel like I have to do these things because he gets angry with me and makes me feel guilty. I don’t like the animosity as it brings me so much anxiety. I have been so nice and gracious to him, I have kept the peace through all of this aside from a couple of times where I’ve gotten angry as I just can’t deal with his gaslighting and manipulation.  I’ve also managed to keep his relationship with his son alive and well as he doesn’t make much effort and I don’t want our son to feel unwanted. 

I don’t know how to move forward, I feel like I live in an overwhelming fog where I can’t make a decision to save myself. Our son has a genetic condition with fabulous Drs here in Australia but all my family live in New Zealand. I would love to go home and be with them as I only have ex’s parents and brother here for support but they all  just normalise and enable his behaviour. 

I gave everything to my ex and he has simply sucked the life out of me. I would tell him I was mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted and he would tell me I’m dramatic, worry to much and would basically dismiss my feelings. 

I cared & loved his other two children when they were with us (one who was born after my son as he was sleeping with his ex wife when I was pregnant). I didn’t treat her any different and they both would always come to me over their father as he is never really been there for them and they refuse to speak to him now.

His family tell me I need to move on, move out of our house and get a job, that’s fine but I have no one to help with my son and his extra needs. I don’t feel like I should have to move out of our house either as it’s not my problem my ex can’t be bothered to come home and sort his life out before starting a new one. I have also applied for numerous jobs but with being out of the workforce so long and needing flexibility it’s difficult to find something. I’m doing a little bit of study to gain some extra skills and I want to start a degree over the next year or so. I really need my ex to come home, step up and do shared care with me so our son can have the life he deserves.

I’m trying to decide to move back to NZ or stay here in Aus. My family are all in NZ and would be a great support but I’m so scared I will make the wrong choice and my biggest concern is having to find 5 different specialist Drs in NZ who are familiar with my son’s condition and whether the standard of care would be the same.

Everything (houses, car, bank accounts) are basically in ex’s name and I can’t make him come home to sort any of it out with me. I can’t walk away with nothing but I’m also running out of time as we were never married ( he always wanted to but I didn’t) and there is a 2 year time frame to apply to the courts to have it settled. My ex has said said that if I apply for child support we have to find somewhere else to live and rentals are so hard to come by. If he marries the OW (apparently engaged) she is automatically entitled to a third of our assets. He has taken close to $70,000 in the last year for his holidays to Poland. We were together 14 years and I was a SAHM due to our sons needs and the fact that my ex worked away for significant periods of time. 

Sorry this is all over the place, but it’s all such a huge mess. I see a psychologist and she has been so kind and helpful and she says I’ve made a lot of progress this past year but I’m still so stuck. I have zero confidence and self worth and I feel like I’m failing my son. 

I feel like this is all my fault. He told me I pushed him to do this. I’m not perfect and I’ve admitted that there was plenty I could have worked on. I feel like had I given my ex more of myself that things may have been different. But I had nothing left to give really, I was exhausted. 
Our relationship had been a little strained for a few years before 2018 as we had both become disconnected due to the stressors of life and lonely due to him being overseas but things were so much better when he was living and working back in Aus (before affair). I’ve also since found out he has cheated multiple times over the years. 

I despise them both for doing this to our family, for putting my sons security, health care and standard of living in jeopardy. It makes me so angry that he has no responsibilities, holidays constantly and that he uses money to justify that he’s a good man. He will walk away from this financially fine, well paying job, 4 times as much superannuation as me, with no responsibilities while I try to make somewhat of a decent life for my son and I. 

I don’t know what I’m asking here but I feel l need to hear thoughts from others who may have been in a somewhat similar situation and who aren’t in involved in this mess some way or other. 

Thanks for reading if you made it this far.

[ExpatInItaly]

I am really sorry you're going through this, OP. This was a very sad read. 

This man has not loved you for a very long time, and he has zero respect for you. That much is clear, and I think you know this too. Unfortunately, you don't love yourself very much either, as you continued to enable him and do whatever he wanted and rub your face in it. It's sad but it speaks to your overall lack of self-worth and shattered self-esteem. It seems to me that at this point, you're staying where you are out of fear of the unknown and having to find a new home and a job. Eventually, this is going to have to happen, as you won't be able to stay there forever. I guarantee your ex and his new fiancée won't go for that. 

I would speak to your son's doctors and see if they can refer you to any similar specialists in NZ. The best option for now sounds like going home and returning to your family and loved ones who can help support you and your son through this transition. You also must speak to a lawyer about child support and all the other logistics that will come with ending this relationship, and moving to a different country with your child. Please get informed about that first, as you don't want to inadvertently break any laws by leaving the country with your minor son. It doesn't sound like you ex much cares what happens to his own kid anyway, but if he gets vindicitve or angry, he might come after you for taking his son to another country. And you don't want to give him any legal footing to stand on there. 

Continue to speak to your therapist about why tolerate this for so long, too. There is a lot healing to do here, inside you. 

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like you dodged a bullet. Be glad you cut your losses relatively early on.

Make sure you delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Since you seem to be dogged by extended disproportionate sadness and ruminating, make an appointment with a physician for an evaluation of the depression and anxiety. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Once you feel better your outlook and choices with men will improve.

You won't seek out drug addicts and vagabonds.