She moved away and we still love eachother but mutually decided to not continue things so we can live our lives and move on

[herb35]

So over summer i met a girl and from the first moment we spoke to eachother in the smoking area at a bar there was a connection, we spoke for most the night and didnt see eachother for another 2 weeks. we saw eachother again at the same bar and spoke for the entire night again, kissed, exchanged numbers and i shortly asked her afew days later to go on a date and from there it was just an instant thing we saw eachother a lot for the next 2 months  and everything was amazing but there was one thing that we both knew was going to happen. She goes to university about 400 miles away from where i currently live which is our home town and we both knew she would have to go after the 2 months were up but we both agreed we wanted to see each other and then leave it on good terms when she left. Now me being naive believed that this would be fine and i would be okay after this but its far from that we had our final 2 weeks together and saw eachother a lot and even the night before she left had a big send off with her family there and my friends and some of hers but we never actually discussed what happens when she left in terms of do we keep contact or just stop talking all together.

 

After being there for about 2 days she went cold and distant and this isn't like her at all from what i knew she was always honest and communicated how she was feeling but now she had moved she was cold and felt like i had been brushed off and forgotten about. I didnt react in a negative way as i had in past relationships like send her angry or passive aggressive texts i gave her space to enjoy herself and tried to figure out how i was feeling after 2 days and some very weird drunk texts from her at early hours of the morning i decided i wanted to clear the air so asked if she was free to facetime and was still met with coldness so then asked why she had suddenly gone so distant which she replied saying that she didnt know how to act in this situation as we never discussed what happens when she left. After not knowing how she was feeling this was kind of a relief as i actually can understand that but the coldness i do still think was immature, anyways we face timed that night for hours and hardly spoke about our situation we just spoke about anything and everything like we always did and brushed over us and what the plan was and finally decided to go off as she was going out that night but i did find out she was thinking about me a lot and was going out a lot as a distraction to how she felt. 

So the next day feeling a bit better but still no idea of what was going on i came up with 3 different plans which included 1. stop talking all together and maybe talk again in the future when we felt comfortable 2. not talk for 6 weeks and get back on with our lives and then talk again after the 6 weeks as a catch up to see how we feel and move from there and 3. go and see her in a month and enjoy some time together and decide what to do in person. We face timed again that night and i told her all the plans of which she agreed with the 2nd plan mainly as it gives her a chance to enjoy uni and get past us without fully losing contact. past that we face timed for the rest of the night and its been over a week since then and i have struggled massively with this all i keep checking her socials way too much, thinking about her all the time and wondering why we met at this time and all this has worked out the way it has.

I guess im struggling to let go of this as ive met many girls and none like her as of yet shes abit younger than me about 5 years yet shes so mature and communicated better than anyone i had ever been with, played no games was upfront and i cant help but think i may have got too needy which is something im working on as ive realised you must be independent and free and not fully attach your whole life to a relationship as its not healthy.

I guess im looking for advice on what to do here ive got the 6 week thing in my head that when we speak she will be over it or have moved on with someone else and i dont think ill be able to fully let go until after our chat which is now in about 5 weeks time, i feel like this situation is quite unique as most people i see online have heavy breakups long distance and say horrible things but ours was clean and if anything full of love and understanding of each others situation. 

I only got to know all her good bits and hardly learned any of her bad bits so i have this perfect image in my head of her which i cant shake yet i keep thinking that she has to live her life experience uni and enjoy herself as this Aint just about me its about how she feels aswell separate to my emotions. She did admit to me that she kissed someone within days of being there but felt awful and guilty and cried about it after so thats the only bad bit i can think of really.

 

If anyone has any advice if you got this far and i havent bored you off haha i would appreciate it.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think it's best to be realistic about the fact that you're in two very different places in your lives, and it will likely take you in opposite directions. 

5 years between you and her is not a lot, strictly-speaking - but it is a lot when you're this young and one person is going away to school and the other is not. She is just barely entering a world of new people, new experiences, parties, good times, and all the other things that come with university life. It sounds like you're past that stage, which is going to make it difficult to mesh these two worlds. 

Add to that the fact that you two had only dated a short time, and I think this one's going to be difficult to sustain. And then there's all the proof you need that her heart and mind are not with you:

1 hour ago, herb35 said:

She did admit to me that she kissed someone within days of being there

She isn't committed to you, and isn't invested the way you are. Her distant behaviouor combined with her already getting close to other guys means you are not right for each other. That is unlikely to change in 6 weeks. If anything, she'll be even more involved in her new life then. It's disappointing but this one is a non-starter. 

[herb35]

Thankyou for your reply i appreciate it, im slowly coming around to that exact way of thinking its just hard to get with that mindset but i agree fully we are both at very different stages in life and i need to start the process of letting go as ive done the uni experience i know how crazy that all is i geuss i just needed a bit of confirmation so thankyou for that 

[Daisydooks]

I feel bad saying this but I wouldn't hold out a lot of hope for a future with her. Or not at this time anyway and not in 6 weeks or 12 or even a year. 

I say this because I had a similar fling about 10 years ago where the guy was genuinely more into me than I was into him. He had a very hard time letting go because when I ended it, we really didnt have any bad times, no fights between us, no awkwardness. I just ended it because it was the first time I was single in 12 years and wanted a fling. He wanted a wife. I didnt want to be a wife. He'd have made an amazing husband Im sure and will be a fantastic husband to whomever he marries. Nothing bad between us, but I just wasnt as attached to the idea of us like he was. When I found myself defending my desire to be single, and go my own way, he did all the wrong things like reach out all the time, message super sweet things, and genuinely poured his heart out. I had to block him because even after a few years he would message still. I was nice at first but had to block because he didnt stop.

I found it all too much and frankly annoying (as awful as it sounds.) It was a turn off simply because he didnt respect my boundaries.  He needed to call his friends and cry. Not me. It didnt bring me back and only pushed me further away from him. So respect her boundaries, leave her be, and see what she does in 6 weeks. I personally wouldnt reach out in 5 more weeks if I were you. Id let her do that. If she is interested in your agreement (not sure why 6 weeks was chosen as it makes zero sense whatsoever) she will reach out. If she doesnt reach out, you know your place and can remove yourself fully from this situationship. 

Edited October 5, 2021 by Daisydooks

[d0nnivain]

You were the fabulous summer romance.  This was never meant to be forever.  If you don't act like a butt-hurt jerk she will probably hook up with you again when she's home on break.  Unfortunately the chances of the boy back home being her Mr. Right are not great.  It was fun while it lasted.  Period.  

[Wiseman2]

Parting is such sweet sorrow.

In your case, eventually it will hurt more to hang on than to let go.

When that point comes, you'll need to move forward.