Tips on Breaking up?

[Logo]

I think I need to break up with my girlfriend. I know, breakups hurt. They suck. I have been through a few. They can be painful. What can I do or say to minimize the emotional pain my girlfriend might feel during or after the breakup? Are there topics to avoid at all cost? This will be the first time I'm more than just sad about the breakup, I'm worried about how she will handle it. Maybe I'm underestimating her, and she is stronger than I think.

[glows]

Is this really about you and not wanting to feel guilty for the break up? The reason for a break up is because it's not working and neither of you are compatible nor on the same page. Think about your reasons and keep it slim and simple. You don't have to give a speech or pull out a spreadsheet of wrongdoings. It's usually preferable to list one or two key points that you can't look past or reconcile with her, depending on how long you've been dating. Don't go into details about intimacy, looks and body image or anything too personal. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Logo said:

Are there topics to avoid at all cost? 

Make it a  "it's me, not you" explanation, because it is in fact you.

That also prevents unnecessary hurt, rehashing nonsense or negotiations.

Kind, clean and solid. No 'friends", no post breakup chitchat, etc.

[Logo]

This is going to have to be more than just a simple explanation. We have been together for almost a year.

I don't see myself being able to go through with breaking up. I keep thinking of the tender moments we shared here and there, but she's also my best and practically my only friend, after the pandemic and all that. I might just have to go through with it, whatever it takes. Crap this is harder than I thought.

[glows]

16 minutes ago, Logo said:

This is going to have to be more than just a simple explanation. We have been together for almost a year.

I don't see myself being able to go through with breaking up. I keep thinking of the tender moments we shared here and there, but she's also my best and practically my only friend, after the pandemic and all that. I might just have to go through with it, whatever it takes. Crap this is harder than I thought.

That is good that you are giving it a lot of thought. What are the reasons for breaking up with her? You owe it to yourself to lead a rewarding life or be fulfilled. I have never been able to justify putting myself in harm's way or being a martyr for someone else. Eventually cracks will be more evident in the relationship and it will be more and more apparent how divided you are. 

[Logo]

On 9/28/2021 at 4:11 PM, glows said:

What are the reasons for breaking up with her?

I don't feel that I'm having fun. There is very little flirting, teasing or playfulness. When I do initiate it, if she responds to it, she responds with the shortest and most minimal of responses. I feel that sex lacks passion. It feels like during and after we need to finish and move on. She is submissive in bed, so maybe that's where the passivity comes from. If we do take our time to explore each other's bodies then it's mostly me doing it, while I need to either remind her or ask her.

Conversations would be more interesting if she asked questions, but it feels like whenever I try to use banter or to joke, she is very sensitive and doesn't like it. We talked about it all in the past, and although some things have changed, I feel that she does them out of worrying that it might compromise the relationship. I wish she would make me laugh. But I don't remember the last time she did. I recently interacted with someone who made me laugh a lot and it felt so good. I realized what I have been missing.

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Logo said:

I wish she would make me laugh. But I don't remember the last time she did. I recently interacted with someone who made me laugh a lot and it felt so good. I realized what I have been missing.

Ok you're incompatible, in a rut, etc., but you'll have to decide not to use her as a security blanket.

Particularly since you already have your eye on some new shiny thing that makes you laugh.

[Logo]

32 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok you're incompatible, in a rut, etc., but you'll have to decide not to use her as a security blanket.

Particularly since you already have your eye on some new shiny thing that makes you laugh.

Easy. What security blanket? Is it too much to ask of some people on here to be kind? Is that too much? I don't have my eye on anyone. It was someone who spoke to me in passing. It just reminded me of what it felt like to laugh. Go on! Make more assumptions!

Edited September 30, 2021 by Logo

[glows]

2 hours ago, Logo said:

I don't feel that I'm having fun. There is very little flirting, teasing or playfulness. When I do initiate it, if she responds to it, she responds with the shortest and most minimal of responses. I feel that sex lacks passion. It feels like during and after we need to finish and move on. She is submissive in bed, so maybe that's where the passivity comes from. If we do take our time to explore each other's bodies then it's mostly me doing it, while I need to either remind her or ask her.

Conversations would be more interesting if she asked questions, but it feels like whenever I try to use banter or to joke, she is very sensitive and doesn't like it. We talked about it all in the past, and although some things have changed, I feel that she does them out of worrying that it might compromise the relationship. I wish she would make me laugh. But I don't remember the last time she did. I recently interacted with someone who made me laugh a lot and it felt so good. I realized what I have been missing.

And how long have you been together? Do you share the same views or goals? It helps when a couple has the same views and outlook or aspire to similar things. It's the whole 1 + 1 = 3 synergy to play off of. If there's no future or deeper interest in one another, the relationship will fall flat (a matter of time). 

[DividedTrail]

Concentrate on what you want to say in two or three sentences. Because once it hits her what you are saying and depending on how she reacts, you might not get much further.

The person being dumped pretty much controls how it goes once the cat is out of the bag.  Sometimes the person wants to talk about it for hours on end and sometimes they just want you to go far, far away.

The other consideration is where you want to drop the bomb.

I broke up with a woman I had been dating for three years. As time went on, she was way more into the relationship that I was. She was a great person and a friend but I would look at her and think, there is no way I'm going to marry her. I knew I had to break it off and I knew I was going to break her heart. But I had to do it for me mostly but also for her as I didn't want to string her along. I invited her to an outside sitting area that was within walking distance of her apartment. There was enough space so we had privacy. I can't remember exactly what I said but she broke down crying. She took off the necklace I gave her and tossed it to me. I'm glad she didn't launch it at my head. She only asked me if there was someone else and I told her no, which was the truth. And then she got up and went to her apartment. We spoke a few times after when things calmed down and then went our separate ways.

I was heartbroken for awhile even though I initiated it. It's one thing where there is an obvious big time issue where you are glad to run away, but when you still like the person in some ways, that is the hardest.

I think it's best to keep it generic, that it isn't working out, that you two aren't compatible in the long run, that you need to figure yourself out, etc. If you get into specifics, she might try to say she will change or it may cause more trauma. Look, keep in mind I'm just some dude. I don't really know anything. But that is my experience.

 

Edited October 1, 2021 by DividedTrail

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, DividedTrail said:

I think it's best to keep it generic, that it isn't working out, that you two aren't compatible in the long run, that you need to figure yourself out, etc. 

Agree. The "it's me not you" approach does the least damage and is less negotiable than telling her she's boring or others can make you laugh etc.

It is in fact you. You're bored. There's nothing wrong with her, the relationship has simply run its course.

[basil67]

Another vote for 'it's me, not you" approach.  If you tell people what the problem really is, then you have to deal with them promising to change when you really just want out.   Don't give them a point to argue.

[Veronica73]

I vote for the “it’s me, not you” approach as well. Or you’re just incompatible or something. Personally, if I’m being dumped I have zero interest in hearing any sort of criticism about me or why I wasn’t enough. It seems like kicking a person when they are already down. The problem really is you, so it isn’t a lie.

[ShyViolet]

On 9/26/2021 at 11:21 PM, Logo said:

 What can I do or say to minimize the emotional pain my girlfriend might feel during or after the breakup? 

Her emotional pain during/after the breakup is not your responsibility and you have absolutely no control over it.  She will go through pain; that's life.  You absolutely have to get this breakup over with as quickly and cleanly as possible, like ripping a band aid off; don't let it drag out and don't be wishy-washy about it and don't send mixed messages.  That's all you can do to minimize the pain and give her a chance to process it and get over it.

[gogators_15]

Can I ask why you are breaking up?

[Logo]

On 10/4/2021 at 11:25 AM, gogators_15 said:

Can I ask why you are breaking up?

All great advice!
 

I wanted to share with you my reasons for thinking about a breakup. 

At first there was a mismatch between us in terms of affection. So we talked about it. She started showing affection usually when she’s cornered that she’s disappointed me.

 

Normally, it’s great to feel affection when one is happy to be in the physical proximity of another person they have feelings for.
 

So before, during, and after sex, I’m playful, I’m teasing, I’m affectionate, I cuddle, some pillow talk. She prefers to get into the bedroom, undress, me on top, we have sex. We finish. We get into the shower. 
 

Banter, some bs talk, some sassiness, anything, would go along ways in making interactions fun. Instead they are very level headed, safe conversations, daily routine, gossip. 
 

She doesn’t like being around crowds. I’m not exactly a crowds person, but as an extrovert, I enjoy being among people. She prefers to spend a quiet evening reading, crocheting, or watching a show on Netflix. If we’re in a new city. I go out exploring and experiencing. She prefers to stay in the room and fall asleep early. We’re in our 40s. 

[stillafool]

When are you planning to break up with her?

[Lotsgoingon]

There is no way to minimize breakup pain. In fact, you don't want to minimize the pain. Now, hear me out: I'm not saying you deliberately cruelly degrade someone. No, not saying that. 

What I'm saying is that it is an illusion--maybe delusion--to think there is some way she won't be crushed. That's what happens in breakups. The person getting dumped is crushed. Period. Devastated. Period.

The only exception is when the relationship overall just sucks.

It's not your job to worry about how she handles it. Every time I've done that, I ended up getting back together with the person and that just extended the misery and I broke up later anyway. And if you think she'll harm herself, then you had no business dating her in the first place. We all get dumped at some point, usually multiple points. We don't jump out the window. 

Turns out the hurt is actually what allows the dumped person to get on with their lives. The hurt is them getting started on the process of emotionally letting you go.

What you can do is be super clear, decisive. If you give off any ambivalence--any!!!--the dumpee will try to guilt you out of breaking up. They will keep their hopes up that you can reconcile. Which only slows down their process of letting you go. 

You have to simply say the relationship isn't working, that you are not happy with way things are. And you want to break up. That is your right. 

Now, if you want to be humane, let yourself express the pain you're feeling. Breaking up will be difficult for you as well. You like her. She seems like a good person. You ARE sad. Let your sadness show. That's a way of being humane. The other person knows you feel the loss even if you think the loss is worth it. 

 

Edited October 6, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[Alvi]

It's going to hurt her no matter how nicely you are going to word your break up. Don't accuse her of anything or tell her what she is lacking in your opinion. Definitely don't tell her that you are not compatible in the bedroom. That is going to sting a lot more if you do. Yeah, maybe go with it's not you it's me speech. Tell her that you are not ready for dating, long term relationship, you are not over your ex, etc...A little white lie is warranted at times. But be very clear that you are over and done with. Don't offer to stay friends.

Just curious, why did it take you a whole year to figure out that the two of you are incompatible? For what you are describing, the differences should be visible right away or at least after a few month of dating.

[Wiseman2]

On 10/6/2021 at 2:03 AM, Logo said:

 . We’re in our 40s. 

Ok you have a laundry list of complaints about how boring and unentertaining she is vis-a-vis how much fun you are.

So stop using her as a security blanket and have the courage to end it. It's become dull and complacent and you're just coasting along because it's easy.

You've outgrown each other. She'll probably see it as a relief as well. 

[Logo]

I have a theory that because my social circle collapsed last year, then I’m looking for my girlfriend to fill in the gaps, and be playful, teasing, sassy, jokey, and chummy. 
 

Perhaps that’s the problem. 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Logo said:

 I’m looking for my girlfriend to fill in the gaps, and be playful, teasing, sassy, jokey, and chummy. Perhaps that’s the problem. 

Definitely. You're bored. However that's part of dealing with life,covid and a host of other things. It's not her fault.

Exactly, your GF doesn't have to be your cheerleader or personal court jester.

You need to join some groups, clubs, sports, volunteer, get a side hustle, take some classes, etc.

She is who she is. She doesn't suddenly what someone to chum around with. 

The personality you're describing sounds like you want an immature brat to relive your childhood.

Learn to fill your time in more enjoyable and productive ways.

 

[buddy825]

Tips? Say the relationship has run it's course, you could give your reasons why and then move on. As a dumper there is not anything you can say to the dumpee that will make them feel good about the situation. One word of caution, if you say your done you better mean it and don't look back. By telling someone you don't want them anymore almost always factures the relationship forever and it will never be the same or better. Think long and hard before you act and stay the course 

[gogators_15]

On 10/6/2021 at 2:03 AM, Logo said:

All great advice!
 

I wanted to share with you my reasons for thinking about a breakup. 

At first there was a mismatch between us in terms of affection. So we talked about it. She started showing affection usually when she’s cornered that she’s disappointed me.

 

Normally, it’s great to feel affection when one is happy to be in the physical proximity of another person they have feelings for.
 

So before, during, and after sex, I’m playful, I’m teasing, I’m affectionate, I cuddle, some pillow talk. She prefers to get into the bedroom, undress, me on top, we have sex. We finish. We get into the shower. 
 

Banter, some bs talk, some sassiness, anything, would go along ways in making interactions fun. Instead they are very level headed, safe conversations, daily routine, gossip. 
 

She doesn’t like being around crowds. I’m not exactly a crowds person, but as an extrovert, I enjoy being among people. She prefers to spend a quiet evening reading, crocheting, or watching a show on Netflix. If we’re in a new city. I go out exploring and experiencing. She prefers to stay in the room and fall asleep early. We’re in our 40s. 

Personally, you're both in your 40s. It sounds like she acts her age vs. you don't. If you're going to end things, be mature about it and say things just aren't working anymore. She might even be thinking the same

[Logo]

“The dogs bark, but the caravan moves on." - Andre Gide