How to Stop Being Jealous of Other People in Relationships?

[GuitarGuy7]

In my friends group, there is a guy and a girl who are a couple. The girl is a 5 ft 2 skinny asian with a cute face and is extremely nice and sweet. Her boyfriend is a 6 ft tall, skinny, good looking, white guy, with an extroverted personality.

They're both nice people but when I am around them, I can't help but feel jealous and envious of them. Growing up, I was the short skinny guy and dating was very very difficult for me. I remember in my early twenties, I asked many different women out and they all said no, and that really shattered my confidence over the years. Despite being a 26 year old man, I have yet to have a girlfriend or have a girl like me back, so every time I see them together and acting like a couple, it reminds me of what I can never have, and that is a loving relationship with an attractive woman who likes me back. 

[glows]

Unfortunately you will have to do the hard work of finding happiness in yourself and contentment. There are no two ways about it. Work on your confidence and loving your life the way it is. Things will fall into place without you looking.

[GuitarGuy7]

5 hours ago, glows said:

Things will fall into place without you looking.

[ ]  When you're looking for a job, you don't just stop looking and a job falls into your lap. 

The only reason why you say you won't find love when you're not looking is because you're a woman with presumably decent looks and fairly good social skills, let's be honest. Of course you don't have to look, the men will just come and approach you. But if you told an average or below average looking man with below average social skills that "you'll find someone when you're not looking", he's going to be a virgin until he's 40. Go tell an overweight neckbeard with the social skills of a 10 year old to "just be himself" and "he'll find someone when he's not looking", and he won't get absolutely anywhere. 


That's why you don't take dating advice from a hot girl; they don't know the struggle that nerdy/below average/socially impaired men, have to go through, and their dating advice reflects that.  


 

Edited September 28, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language, civility

[glows]

29 minutes ago, GuitarGuy7 said:

[ ] When you're looking for a job, you don't just stop looking and a job falls into your lap. 

The only reason why you say you won't find love when you're not looking is because you're a woman with presumably decent looks and fairly good social skills, let's be honest. Of course you don't have to look, the men will just come and approach you. But if you told an average or below average looking man with below average social skills that "you'll find someone when you're not looking", he's going to be a virgin until he's 40. Go tell an overweight neckbeard with the social skills of a 10 year old to "just be himself" and "he'll find someone when he's not looking", and he won't get absolutely anywhere. 


That's why you don't take dating advice from a hot girl; they don't know the struggle that nerdy/below average/socially impaired men, have to go through, and their dating advice reflects that.  


 

You seem quite angry and resentful. That's the attitude that isn't going to win over any dates either, nor your sense of entitlement. People are looking for others who are confident and able to handle themselves, regardless of setbacks. If it doesn't work out with one person, brush yourself off and try again later on. Don't carry that chip over your shoulder.

Edited September 28, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[MeadowFlower]

11 hours ago, GuitarGuy7 said:

it reminds me of what I can never have, and that is a loving relationship with an attractive woman who likes me back. 

This right here. You want an attractive woman. You are placing the value of a woman on whether or not she is attractive. Value people, yourself included, for who they are and not their level of physical 'attractiveness'. 

[Foxhall]

I dont know buddy- sometimes it can appear very daunting when you appear to be getting nowhere with women,

It can change quickly even by meeting some girl that you can have a good conversation with,

Id work on your conversation skills as a good starting point-keep up to date with current topics,

be able to start and keep a conversation going whenever you do meet a nice girl,

definitely it can change- Ive gone from making zero impact in pubs and clubs back in the day , to have very attractive women flirting sending me bikini shots and things,

just get friendly with a few put them at ease with conversation, exchange phone numbers and you never know,

 

[Trail Blazer]

On 9/28/2021 at 7:37 PM, MeadowFlower said:

This right here. You want an attractive woman. You are placing the value of a woman on whether or not she is attractive. Value people, yourself included, for who they are and not their level of physical 'attractiveness'. 

You're projecting here.  It's got little to do with wanting someone attractive and everything to do with dating at your level.  If OP wants to punch, he's going to have an uphill battle trying to land anyone.  If he aims at his own attractive level, he might have more luck.

Having said that, perhaps OP is referring to attractive by his own reasonable standards of attractiveness at his own level.  Who knows - it's hard to know when we don't know what OP looks like, nor the girls he finds physically attractive.

 

[Trail Blazer]

On 9/28/2021 at 12:39 PM, GuitarGuy7 said:

[ ]  When you're looking for a job, you don't just stop looking and a job falls into your lap. 

The only reason why you say you won't find love when you're not looking is because you're a woman with presumably decent looks and fairly good social skills, let's be honest. Of course you don't have to look, the men will just come and approach you. But if you told an average or below average looking man with below average social skills that "you'll find someone when you're not looking", he's going to be a virgin until he's 40. Go tell an overweight neckbeard with the social skills of a 10 year old to "just be himself" and "he'll find someone when he's not looking", and he won't get absolutely anywhere. 


That's why you don't take dating advice from a hot girl; they don't know the struggle that nerdy/below average/socially impaired men, have to go through, and their dating advice reflects that.  


 

I get all of what you're saying, but I think the message wasn't intended to be taken so literally.  It took it as more a long the lines of if you seem to be trying too hard, that can be a real turn-off for women. 

So, the take-away from that is if you can balance your interest in dating whislt keeping the other eye firmly set on your own goals, you will come across as a lot more attractive.

Yes, of course nothing is guaranteed, but one thing is for sure, if harbor resentment and frustration it will show through.  Women are perceptive and they pick up on subconscious vibes.

 

[ZA Dater]

Never be jealous of others at anything, wish those around you success, cheer when they succeed and carry them when they fall. Being jealous accomplishes nothing and contributes nothing to you.

Focus on your life, the good things in your life, the things you enjoy doing, value yourself on what you value and what you contribute rather than who find you attractive. This is very hard, ask me, I know!

At some point you need to move forward but jealousy clouds your vision. 

[GuitarGuy7]

On 10/6/2021 at 12:39 AM, Trail Blazer said:

You're projecting here.  It's got little to do with wanting someone attractive and everything to do with dating at your level.  If OP wants to punch, he's going to have an uphill battle trying to land anyone.  If he aims at his own attractive level, he might have more luck.

Having said that, perhaps OP is referring to attractive by his own reasonable standards of attractiveness at his own level.  Who knows - it's hard to know when we don't know what OP looks like, nor the girls he finds physically attractive.

 

At this point, i'll date anybody I find reasonably attractive.  I'm not that picky looks wise to be honest.  I just want a nice girlfriend that I can make love to because everyone else is doing it and I want to do it too. 

[basil67]

42 minutes ago, GuitarGuy7 said:

I just want a nice girlfriend that I can make love to because everyone else is doing it and I want to do it too. 

What other things do you imagine a girlfriend bringing into your life?  And you bringing to hers.   Sex is a relatively small part of it all....

[ZA Dater]

13 hours ago, GuitarGuy7 said:

At this point, i'll date anybody I find reasonably attractive.  I'm not that picky looks wise to be honest.  I just want a nice girlfriend that I can make love to because everyone else is doing it and I want to do it too. 

Let me tell you this, you need to sit down and decide if a GF will actually improve it or over complicate it? Decide what sort of benefits there, remove emotion from this if you want the most raw picture. 

The reality is we do not always get what we want. Because we want it does not mean we are entitled to it.  Like you I was jealous of other for many years, why were they succeeding where I am not and I spent too much time pulling myself apart when I should have just kept walking. 

Sorry to say the world is not  a fair one by any means but dating is not something which can be taught, attraction can be increased within limits but again you can hit a brick wall there too. Trust me I understand your position very well, like you there are many days where all I want is some company, someone to share things with but it just has not happened. I can sit in a corner and mope or I can do something else.

Do I want to sleep with that attractive waitress, sure but I began to realise the impossibility of that when I looked at the competition I was up against. I am not saying do no aspire to have that relationship you want but realise it probably wont actually be the relationship you actually want. 5% of it might be but the rest will be you compromising to experience that 5%, only you can decide if that is really worth it. 

Sure you can go out and compete and I would encourage you to do so but unless you have something you can use as capital you may struggle against guys who have years of experience you do not have, go out there and compete irrespective of the outcome because you will learn a bit more that way and who knows maybe you will find 25% of what you want.

In life its important to do things for the right reason and doing something because everyone else is doing it does not make for much of a reason in my view. Attractive women are mostly astute, they know they value and will not without specific circumstances deviate from that much, again I took me 20 odd years to learn this, you can try though and again I encourage you to chase what you want because while you may not get it you do get the experience the chase.

[GuitarGuy7]

16 hours ago, basil67 said:

What other things do you imagine a girlfriend bringing into your life?  And you bringing to hers.   Sex is a relatively small part of it all....

Well, I got a pretty nice family and we have a nice farm, it's like a private park. You can go kayaking, go feed some fish, walk through the garden, it's a pretty nice place.  That's something I would be bringing to the table. 

I got some money because of inheritance, and i'm going to college and getting a degree, so that's something I bring to the table. 

I work out 3x a week so am fairly fit, that's something I bring to the table. 

I have all sorts of hobbies and interests. I play soccer, I play the guitar and piano, I like to create and edit movies, that's something I bring to the table. 


All I ask for is a nice girlfriend who I get along with and I get to have sex with, that's all I ask for. 

[basil67]

All the things you have listed are nice to have, but they aren't what makes a woman want to be your girlfriend.   So let me rephrase: what is it that you as a person, your personality, which she would want?   I'm thinking "thoughtful, kind, positive attitude, can share a good laugh, don't take yourself too seriously....." that kind of thing.

It's problematic that you say 'a nice girlfriend who I get along with and I get to have sex with' is all you ask for.   Given that this is not something we get to request (as opposed to a product on a shelf), the phrasing sounds kind of entitled.  I hope you didn't mean it like it sounds.

[dramafreezone]

On 9/27/2021 at 2:34 PM, GuitarGuy7 said:

In my friends group, there is a guy and a girl who are a couple. The girl is a 5 ft 2 skinny asian with a cute face and is extremely nice and sweet. Her boyfriend is a 6 ft tall, skinny, good looking, white guy, with an extroverted personality.

They're both nice people but when I am around them, I can't help but feel jealous and envious of them. Growing up, I was the short skinny guy and dating was very very difficult for me. I remember in my early twenties, I asked many different women out and they all said no, and that really shattered my confidence over the years. Despite being a 26 year old man, I have yet to have a girlfriend or have a girl like me back, so every time I see them together and acting like a couple, it reminds me of what I can never have, and that is a loving relationship with an attractive woman who likes me back. 

No relationship is perfect.  They aren't just cuddling, having passionate sex and going on vacations all the time.  They have problems just like every other relationship.

In any event, that has nothing to do with you.  You have to put the work in if you want a girlfriend, just like if you wanted anything else.  You have to put yourself out there, you have to work out, build your confidence, dress the part.  Guys aren't just standing around and getting girlfriends just on their looks.

[LuckyM]

The couple you mention seems like an odd matchup by their heights alone. It might not last so why be jealous?  Who cares?  I was in your situation once and it was not a happy time and led nowhere. Anything might happen in the future though. Be grateful you are still young though youth takes that for granted. I believe that sometimes love finds you not the reverse. 

[JRabbit]

On 10/20/2021 at 6:13 PM, GuitarGuy7 said:

we have a nice farm

You do or your parents do?

Edited October 27, 2021 by JRabbit