Am I worried for nothing? Should I change anything?

[VSgirl]

Background: I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 7 months. He’s 30, I’m 35. We have mostly the same values and both want kids, marriage, a serious future etc. We live about 45 minutes apart, but my boyfriend has to travel for work out of state sometimes so we are technically in a long distance relationship at least some of the time. 
 

I work in education as an assistant teacher 715-315 M-F. My boyfriend works a crazy schedule for an oil company. Typically he works 3pm-3am for two weeks straight then has a week off, then day shift 3am-3pm for two weeks straight then another week off. He recently got a promotion to a different crew as a supervisor. This crew is in North Dakota until late November early December all the weeks he works, but he’s home for his off weeks. He started this just over a week ago and he’ll be back next Tuesday for a week. He will also pay to fly me out to North Dakota  at least a couple of times. In addition he’s been on an even more intense schedule out there where every day they start two hours later than the previous day. So he started by working nights but today for example he went to Work at 4am my time and called me right before he went and then he will be back to their hotel around 6pm and call me before he goes to sleep. He has been consistent about calling before and after work. He can’t text very easily from the job site as there is no cell service there..he can sometimes get through on the work internet if he’s working inside their van and only using Facebook messenger. 
 

In the past when he’s traveled we’ve sent naughty texts or talked sexually over the phone from time to time, but nothing like that has happened this time. I’m not sure if he’s tired or it’s just coincidence. For me I’ve been dealing with a migraine and not stayed home from work the last few days which he knows. We spent time together the weekend before he left and the sex was great and happened multiple times. So maybe I’m just overthinking it? 
 

My boyfriend is very affectionate in person, cuddling on the couch and In bed, giving me kisses and all that, cooks for me frequently. We haven’t said I love you to each other yet, but I know he moves slower than most people on those things. He’s never been engaged or lived with a woman and I’m the first woman to hes ever given a key to his apartment or where he lives. We’ve talked about the future a lot, where we’d want to live etc. he’s done nice gestures like giving me his tv when mine broke knowing I was short on money. However over the phone he isn’t mean or anything but he’s not very sappy. For example, I’ve said once I missed him since he’s been gone and he said it back but hasn’t said it first this trip. He has on past trips  made comments like I miss you or I’m so happy to be back home with you. He’s also said I can use or stay at his apartment anytime while he’s gone. I currently live with my mom so he knows I might like some privacy. Also we have discussed him taking a job with more normal hours in the near future that is more suited for raising a family and he’s on board with that. 

I don’t really know that anything is wrong or if I’m worrying over nothing. I know I have anxiety/an anxious attachment style and I see a counselor for that. I just want my bf to be excited by me and wonder if I need to do anything different. Like if I’m too available..but if I don’t take his calls at the specific times he can talk or soon after, then we usually can’t talk because of his schedule. He still seems happy to talk to me every time we talk. Any suggestions or advice? 
He’ll be back working in state by December and we will see each other more.

 

 

[glows]

Stay busy and work things you need to get done. I don't think there's anything wrong with your relationship. It sounds lovely, reciprocal, mutually respectful and like it's going just fine. I can't tell what you're anxious about but you do seem anxious. Are you worried that he's seeing someone else or aren't very interested in you? If he's calling you, affectionate, consistent, giving you access to his place and seeing you regularly, things are going well. 

The only thing I can see that might be a turn off later on down the line is depending on him too heavily for your happiness and placing a lot of weight and importance on the future (where you would want to live, and living in future tense constantly). You don't seem especially happy with yourself the way you are now or on your own terms and need a partner to assist you. That is a lot of pressure for where you are both at currently. You've only been dating for seven months so see how it goes into 2022. 

[VSgirl]

Glows, thanks for reply. I don’t know what I’m worried about exactly. Maybe that he just isn’t as excited about me anymore? I know relationships evolve and that once someone gets more comfortable maybe they aren’t always as flirty, especially when it’s not in person. He may be tired from the long hours he’s working too. I don’t believe he’s cheating..he has been cheated on by 3 previous gfs himself and has never cheated on anyone. He’s even talked to me about guys he’s worked with who have cheated/flirted with other girls when they have wives and how disrespectful he thinks that is. I’ve never caught him in a lie and he tells me a lot about his day to day life and job and I do the same. What you men

 

 I’ll admit my own life has had some challenges and a lot of stress lately. I have my masters degree to teach special education..I just need to pass 3 exams to get my teaching license. Meanwhile I’m also working full time as an assistant teacher in an autism classroom at a high school. We are short staffed (trying to replace someone that quit and the other assistant teacher is still healing from a knee injury so she isn’t able to help with much yet). Because of making less than half the salary of a head teacher and still not having received my federal tax return (have followed up and hope to get it soon), I’ve run into some financial issues. I have been living with my mom until I get a head teaching position and don’t want to rush moving in with my boyfriend before we are ready to, but living with her has resulted in some arguments and more stress. My mom who is currently a substitute teacher has had some of her own financial issues and is pressuring me to contribute more financially. I’m trying, but I have my own credit card bills, car payment etc and am paying for what things I am able. I need to pass my exams and don’t feel taking on another job would be smart at this point. I’ve been dealing with a migraine for 3 days and been at work and I just miss the calm my bf brings. Its been hard to study for my exam with the headache too. Obviously, I have to find ways to relax better when he isn’t available. 

The other thing that may be factoring in here comes from my self esteem/some negative comments from my previous relationship. My current bf has made only positive comments about my appearance and never made negative comments about my weight or anything personal about me. Even if we have a disagreement we don’t take cheap shots at each other and have done pretty well with solving issues. Our communication has gotten even better as the relationship has gone on. 
 

However some doubt in myself especially remains after my previous relationship and it’s something I work on with my counselor. I was engaged to my ex and with him off and on for 3 years. The same pattern kept happening..we’d get into an argument and he’d break up with me on pretty much a whim, I’d completely leave him alone, and then he’d beg me to get back with him saying how sorry he was. He was a narcissist and although he didn’t cheat on me to my knowledge, he said and did several nasty things to me. When we broke up the last time, he commented that I’d gained weight, was lethargic in bed, bad in bed,  bad with money, made him gain weight etc. He’d also made comments about my weight and taken other cheap shots at me throughout our relationship. I wasn’t perfect obviously but I didn’t take these cheap shots during our arguments. A lot of it was double talk or just things he knew I was most sensitive about.

 

Even though I have lost weight since my last relationship and am in better health..I think I worry that because my current boyfriend is more successful, better looking (according to friends), in better shape than my ex and other people I’ve dated…I think because of my past and self esteem I sometimes worry he’ll lose interest or find someone better looking. I know there is more to life than looks and we do have great sexual chemistry. I know I can continue to improve my appearance and lose weight in a healthy way. I know I have a lot to offer as a teacher and a woman, it’s just taking some time to rebuild my self esteem and that has to come from within not from my bf.

 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, VSgirl said:

My boyfriend is very affectionate in person, cuddling on the couch and In bed, giving me kisses and all that, cooks for me frequently. We haven’t said I love you to each other yet, but I know he moves slower than most people on those things. He’s never been engaged or lived with a woman and I’m the first woman to hes ever given a key to his apartment or where he lives. We’ve talked about the future a lot, where we’d want to live etc. he’s done nice gestures like giving me his tv when mine broke knowing I was short on money.

LDRs are difficult. However he's very good to you in actions and perhaps a compartmentalizer. meaning when he's with you he's 100% with you and when he's at work he's focused on work. 

Not every guy is a rom-com type of guy, but it's how he treats you that counts.

Have you read The 5 Love languages"? It describes how some people show love through actions while others need  words. 

There's a quiz you can take:

https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language

[glows]

35 minutes ago, VSgirl said:

Glows, thanks for reply. I don’t know what I’m worried about exactly. Maybe that he just isn’t as excited about me anymore? I know relationships evolve and that once someone gets more comfortable maybe they aren’t always as flirty, especially when it’s not in person. He may be tired from the long hours he’s working too. I don’t believe he’s cheating..he has been cheated on by 3 previous gfs himself and has never cheated on anyone. He’s even talked to me about guys he’s worked with who have cheated/flirted with other girls when they have wives and how disrespectful he thinks that is. I’ve never caught him in a lie and he tells me a lot about his day to day life and job and I do the same. What you men

 

 I’ll admit my own life has had some challenges and a lot of stress lately. I have my masters degree to teach special education..I just need to pass 3 exams to get my teaching license. Meanwhile I’m also working full time as an assistant teacher in an autism classroom at a high school. We are short staffed (trying to replace someone that quit and the other assistant teacher is still healing from a knee injury so she isn’t able to help with much yet). Because of making less than half the salary of a head teacher and still not having received my federal tax return (have followed up and hope to get it soon), I’ve run into some financial issues. I have been living with my mom until I get a head teaching position and don’t want to rush moving in with my boyfriend before we are ready to, but living with her has resulted in some arguments and more stress. My mom who is currently a substitute teacher has had some of her own financial issues and is pressuring me to contribute more financially. I’m trying, but I have my own credit card bills, car payment etc and am paying for what things I am able. I need to pass my exams and don’t feel taking on another job would be smart at this point. I’ve been dealing with a migraine for 3 days and been at work and I just miss the calm my bf brings. Its been hard to study for my exam with the headache too. Obviously, I have to find ways to relax better when he isn’t available. 

The other thing that may be factoring in here comes from my self esteem/some negative comments from my previous relationship. My current bf has made only positive comments about my appearance and never made negative comments about my weight or anything personal about me. Even if we have a disagreement we don’t take cheap shots at each other and have done pretty well with solving issues. Our communication has gotten even better as the relationship has gone on. 
 

However some doubt in myself especially remains after my previous relationship and it’s something I work on with my counselor. I was engaged to my ex and with him off and on for 3 years. The same pattern kept happening..we’d get into an argument and he’d break up with me on pretty much a whim, I’d completely leave him alone, and then he’d beg me to get back with him saying how sorry he was. He was a narcissist and although he didn’t cheat on me to my knowledge, he said and did several nasty things to me. When we broke up the last time, he commented that I’d gained weight, was lethargic in bed, bad in bed,  bad with money, made him gain weight etc. He’d also made comments about my weight and taken other cheap shots at me throughout our relationship. I wasn’t perfect obviously but I didn’t take these cheap shots during our arguments. A lot of it was double talk or just things he knew I was most sensitive about.

 

Even though I have lost weight since my last relationship and am in better health..I think I worry that because my current boyfriend is more successful, better looking (according to friends), in better shape than my ex and other people I’ve dated…I think because of my past and self esteem I sometimes worry he’ll lose interest or find someone better looking. I know there is more to life than looks and we do have great sexual chemistry. I know I can continue to improve my appearance and lose weight in a healthy way. I know I have a lot to offer as a teacher and a woman, it’s just taking some time to rebuild my self esteem and that has to come from within not from my bf.

 

You write very candidly even with your personal struggles and I commend you for your perseverance but I think it's better for you to feel a bit more stable financially on your own before moving in with a partner. The relationship is still early so you still have time to see how it goes. Don't let the pressures of living with your mum currently influence you too much. Use that as more motivation to live on your own for awhile and adjust. If he chooses to change his job or hours down the line, I think he should be doing that and preparing himself for a life with you before you both move in together. I wouldn't accept anything less than that if your goal is to be with a person who is living with you full time, not shift work with weeks away at a time. This is not to say that it doesn't work for other couples but it's what you want that matters. You need to decide what you want first out of a partner before living together because as things stand right now, his work hours don't seem to fit into the life you are seeing for yourself.

Your ex was a piece of work and quite rude/unkind to you. Put that behind you. Keep working with your counsellor on putting that in the past. You seem very self-aware and motivated to improve. That's something not a lot of people have so give yourself a pat on the back for recognizing that and continue all the good things you're doing for yourself including passing those exams.