Pregnant girlfriend pushing me away. UPDATE - she miscarried and we broke up

[Quokka]

Okay so my situation goes a little like this, me and my girlfriend have known each other for about 5 years and we were good friends prior to getting together we got together in June of this year and had the most romantic summer of love I've ever had. We built a really strong connection and we were attached at the hip! She used to take me to work with her, text me all day, send memes, she was caring, affectionate, and kind.

We found out in early August that she was pregnant. She kept telling me that she felt like she was so we went to the store to get a first response test and lo' and behold those 2 pink lines showed up. We felt all of these emotions that you feel, I'm sure you guys know what I'm talking about. She landed on keeping it as I'm in nursing school but, her family is very wealthy and told us they would provide where I would lack until I finish school.

Then in the beginning of September of this year everything changed. She's no longer the girl I knew. She's cold, distant, unaffectionate, mean, and kind of disrespectful at times. I've made a few mistakes myself with drinking too much and being an idiot to which she asked me to stop and I have. And then, I told a buddy of mine about the pregnancy and in hindsight I knew I shouldn't have and he told the wrong person and it got out around our town that she is pregnant before she could announce it. She was so upset and quite frankly, devastated.

Since then I've been apologetic about the whole situation and I even traded my single-cab truck in for a family car to show that I want to be in this with her. I constantly try to communicate but I'm met with this giant wall she has built between us and it seems that I'm getting nowhere. She is starting her 11th week tomorrow. Pregnancy up to this point has not been easy on her. She has lost about 20 pounds since finding out from morning sickness and vomiting. I know her hormones are all over the place right now and emotions are high but the pushing me away bit is really crushing me.

I will add however, that 4 days ago on my birthday we met for lunch and she gave me a sweet card telling me she loved me and that she was glad to be doing this with me. She kissed and hugged me goodbye and when I asked her if we were alright she said that we were.

Since then, I haven't really heard much from her, though. There haven't been any talks about breaking up from me or her, and right now I just text once every other day to check in on her and see how she's doing and most of my messages get left on read. But, when I compare to how we used to be to now it's just so much different.

 I could really use some advice from anyone! Mainly pregnant women or post-pregnant women to maybe shed some light on my situation because I really am struggling. I miss my best friend so much.

Thanks in advance,

-Quokka

Edited November 21, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
merged threads

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Quokka said:

, her family is very wealthy and told us they would provide where I would lack 

. I've made a few mistakes myself with drinking too much and being an idiot  

Step back from all this. Unfortunately the pregnancy was unplanned and neither of you are in a position to be responsible parents.

Do you both live with your parents? The relationship would have ended anyway based on your actions. However now you are stuck with this situation to complicate things.

Stay back, let her reach out to you and be prepared to pay child support for the next couple of decades.

[Gaeta]

You had been an official couple for 2 months when she got pregnant. It doesn't matter you were friends for 5 years prior to that. Dynamic between friends & couples are different.

Losing 20-lbs over 1 month isn't normal. No responsible doctor would let a pregnant woman lose 20-lbs over 30 days. There are medication to help that type of sickness. Is she seeing a doctor?  Stop texting and call. She's pregnant with your child, you just got warp-speed to adulthood. Call her, inquire about her health, be helpful and supportive. don't push. 

My 3 first month of pregnancy I was a mess. I cried all the time, I had all the symptoms of a depression.

[smackie9]

You are in nursing school...isn't there instructors you can talk to about this? You have healthcare professionals at your fingertips.

[Quokka]

4 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

You are in nursing school...isn't there instructors you can talk to about this? You have healthcare professionals at your fingertips.

didn't even think of about this 😅

[stillafool]

I remember a previous thread of yours and she has asked you to leave her alone.  Have you been doing that?  If not, why not?  If she's sick all the time she probably doesn't want to be bothered with anyone.

[Quokka]

15 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I remember a previous thread of yours and she has asked you to leave her alone.  Have you been doing that?  If not, why not?  If she's sick all the time she probably doesn't want to be bothered with anyone.

hmm this is the first time I've posted in awhile, if it was me, it was definitely an older relationship.

And yes as it pertains to this situation, I leave her alone and give her space and just text to check in every other day sometimes 2-3 days.

[Quokka]

Basically as the title states my gf broke up with me after she miscarried with our child. Things were already rocky before it happened. The pregnancy kind of brought out the worst in both of us as it made her mean and irritable and everything I did was wrong in her eyes. Then with me, I became scared of what was happening and losing her so I started to drink more and more which upset her even more but I was only doing it because of how mean she was being and I was scared that I was going to lose my family before it even began.

She miscarried and afterwards told me that she had to break up with me because being with me is too much hurt for her as it reminds her of the loss...

We spoke briefly roughly 9 days ago. I reached out to check on her and her responses were good. She asked me how the no drinking was doing and I told the truth that I had been sober. She told me it's still hard to talk to me but that eventually she would like for "things to not be this way between us" I asked her if she wanted to get together to which she just said "maybeee" and didn't end up coming through. I left the door open with a last and final message just basically stating that I'm here in case she ever wants to revisit things.

I know she is struggling because in that last conversation she told me she's trying to stay busy so that she doesn't fall into a slump she can't get out of. I know that miscarriages are a very emotional time for women and for men too. and it really has been brutal for me emotionally. The break up and the loss of our unborn baby.

any thoughts on how to navigate this? I miss her terribly.

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, Quokka said:

 The pregnancy kind of brought out the worst in both of us as it made her mean and irritable and everything I did was wrong in her eyes. Then with me, I became scared of what was happening and losing her so I started to drink more and more 

Sorry this happened. How long have you been dating? 

Do you live together? Were there plans for a future? Was the pregnancy planned?

Yes. Focus soley on your sobriety. Get involved in support groups for that.

She was right to end it. Your reaction to stress is to drown yourself in alcohol, blame her for it (because she was "mean" and drove you to drink), then feel sorry for yourself that she suffered a miscarriage.

Sort yourself out first, then worry if things will work out.

[Hurtheart]

Dude I’m so sorry for your loss of Your baby that’s hard. And I went throuhh this with my ex who I have 2 kids with. She had got pregnant the third time, but in our case she had to have an abortion bc it was too dangerous as she was just diagnosed with ms after the second baby. 
 

what I learned when women go through this traumatic, it’s realllllllllly hard on them for a long time, I just was there to support her amd I took a loT of abuse bc of her emotions but I loved her and toook it bc I could only imagine what she was going through especially after already being a mom. 
 

so all I can tell you is LISTEN to what she’s telling you, be supportive, be there for her, and just love her, but u have to wait for her, she’s going through a lot of different emotions rn, so just let her be, she will reach out to see you again, but just text her or call her and tell her you love her and that what ever she needs you’re there for her and that’s all u can do 

[Quokka]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. How long have you been dating? 

Do you live together? Were there plans for a future? Was the pregnancy planned?

Yes. Focus soley on your sobriety. Get involved in support groups for that.

She was right to end it. Your reaction to stress is to drown yourself in alcohol, blame her for it (because she was "mean" and drove you to drink), then feel sorry for yourself that she suffered a miscarriage.

Sort yourself out first, then worry if things will work out.

Yeah now I realize that you've pointed it out that it wasn't ever her fault for my drinking. I've always had issues with it. Been to rehab once before. Mind you, I'm only 25. 

We did not live together we both live with our moms. I'm a nursing student, she a hairstylist. We were together for 6 months. The pregnancy was unplanned but we weren't exactly taking steps to prevent a pregnancy either. There were plans for the future, we talked about marriage, where we'd like to live, all of that. I fell off the wagon initially after the break up for about 2 weeks to just allow myself to feel sad about it. I've been sober 9 days as of today.  

[Quokka]

3 minutes ago, Hurtheart said:

Dude I’m so sorry for your loss of Your baby that’s hard. And I went throuhh this with my ex who I have 2 kids with. She had got pregnant the third time, but in our case she had to have an abortion bc it was too dangerous as she was just diagnosed with ms after the second baby. 
 

what I learned when women go through this traumatic, it’s realllllllllly hard on them for a long time, I just was there to support her amd I took a loT of abuse bc of her emotions but I loved her and toook it bc I could only imagine what she was going through especially after already being a mom. 
 

so all I can tell you is LISTEN to what she’s telling you, be supportive, be there for her, and just love her, but u have to wait for her, she’s going through a lot of different emotions rn, so just let her be, she will reach out to see you again, but just text her or call her and tell her you love her and that what ever she needs you’re there for her and that’s all u can do 

Thank you man this was insightful and very helpful. I will do that. 

[Quokka]

1 minute ago, Hurtheart said:

I’m just going by my own life experience here, her and I did eventually break up a few years after that, but that was a long time ago when I was drinking all the time I had given up on tje relationship, what that final nail in the coffin was when I slept with another women and after that I came clean the next day bc I didn’t even feel remorseful for what I did, I knew the love was gone and wanted to end it 

it likely wasn't ideal for the both of you. I just wish she would allow me to be there for her instead of relating that trauma of the loss with me. That's the worst part. But, then again I can't really dictate how someone responds to trauma or stress it'd be selfish of me to do so. I'm hoping with enough time and the space I've created by stepping away will allow her to drop the negative feelings she has for me and start to miss me.. maybe.

[Hurtheart]

1 minute ago, Quokka said:

it likely wasn't ideal for the both of you. I just wish she would allow me to be there for her instead of relating that trauma of the loss with me. That's the worst part. But, then again I can't really dictate how someone responds to trauma or stress it'd be selfish of me to do so. I'm hoping with enough time and the space I've created by stepping away will allow her to drop the negative feelings she has for me and start to miss me.. maybe.

She’s trying to find a way to cope w the loss amd unfortunately she’s using you to do that right now, Like I said shes going to go through a lot of different emotions rn and they’re gonna be all over the place, I would def give her a call and just tell her if she needs anything you’re there for her and you can only imagine What she’s going through rn, tbh she should see a therapist, but like I said my ex went from anger and hate to crying in my arms and wanting to heal together amd movinG on with our relationship.

but lose the booze Man: I did that after a break up years ago it’s not Good for you man you just get depressed and you he bottle is your saviour for the night, but it pushes everyone away that cares about you especially the person u love