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Can serial cheaters stop?


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Hello. 

I have been married to my wife for 8 years. We have 2 boys. There's a difference of 14 years between us. I married her when she was 19. I was 33. When I met her... She was doing a lot of chatting with different guys, dressing sexy, etc... I just thought she's just young and curious. First 4 years of marriage we were long distance. She was in the Philippines. Now she's in UK for almost 4 years. March this year I found her home with a guy. She said nothing happen and we decided to fix our marriage. Now in September I caught her chatting the same guy on an unknown messenger. I started digging and she has been seeing him since March 2020. Also from digging I found out she's cheated on me prior to her coming to the UK, after we had our first boy. As far as I know, she cheated on me for 8 years, except the times she was pregnant. She still likes dressing sexy and posting sexy stuff on social media. I have read a lot... And apparently she is a narcissist and a habitual cheater. 

I never cheated on her. I love her a lot, and love my boys. I asked her to take couple counselling with me. She refused. All I found out I had to dig on my own. She never opened and she was never honest to me, even after she got caught. 

Can I hope she will ever change? Am I fighting for a lost cause? 

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It sounds to me like she was not a love-match in the first place, rather, your marriage was a vehicle where you got a wife and in return she was able to move to a first world country.  As part of her searching for a way out of her home country, talking with different guys and being sexy was what she had to do.  Did you not think that the concept of a 19yo woman from a third world country loving a 33yo who she barely knew was too good to be true?   You need to get real about this being more an exchange of needs than a real marriage. 

Regarding the cheating, I believe that everyone who wants to change is capable of change.  However, it doesn't sound like she wants to change, so you now need to make a decision of whether or not to continue as you are or to divorce.

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Does she work? Is she a citizen of the UK?

Consult an attorney to review your options in divorce. 

Was she in love with you or was this more of a residency arrangement?

You're married a long time now and have kids so you may do alright in the event of divorce.

Unfortunately she's taking her love and affection elsewhere and that's horrible for you.

The infidelities most likely won't end. You'll need to decide what you can and can't live with in regard to divorce vs turning a blind eye to cheating.

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You tried to make a wife and mother out of a 19 yo...  bad move.
Not only that a girl whose main drive I guess was to get to the West... bad move.
Yes it is technically cheating, but as this on her part was not a love match, only a marriage of convenience, I think she is just still trying .to find the man of her dreams.
 

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I like to think she loved me and still does. Just the way she grew up. A lot of negative influences around her. Where she's from, it's no big deal to cheat. She has a job now. I watch the kids. I work when she gets home. I don't know if I can break the habit. She's considering going back to Philippines with the kids. That would give her more freedom, since her big family can look after them. That's a bonus for my kids. I can also trap her from leaving UK with the kids. But if I leave her... I don't know what will become of my children... She's not a great mom. I know I have the right to keep the kids here until they are 18 years old. Now she started buying a lot of gold jewelery. Maybe to have capital in the Philippines. 

I have installed a spy app on her phone. She hasn't done anything in the last 3 weeks, but I have read online that people like her don't change. They get back to their habits as soon as the heat is gone. Very few cases recover and takes years. Also she would have to be genuinely remorseful, open, honest and willing to accept professional help. She is none of that. That makes me think I'm just extending my agony... 

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56 minutes ago, AlexUK79 said:

She's considering going back to Philippines with the kids. That would give her more freedom, since her big family can look after them. That's a bonus for my kids. I can also trap her from leaving UK with the kids.

Speak to an attorney about complex international custody situations. Playing private eye won't save your marriage, as you know. Focus on your children and where/how you hope they are raised.

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Staying with her is most likely not advisable. Divorce is also off the table. In this country, courts look at what's best for the kids. Courts don't just divorce you. Instead they give you a 2 years separation order. That works very well for her. If after those 2 years you still want to divorce, they will divorce you. Only way is to just leave.... 

About the kids, she can not travel abroad with the children, without my written consent. She can not revoke my parental rights either. So I can keep her and the kids stuck in here for another 15 years, when my little guy is 18 and can decide for himself. She would suffer more, but most likely my kids too.... 

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4 hours ago, AlexUK79 said:

About the kids, she can not travel abroad with the children, without my written consent.  I can keep her and the kids stuck in here for another 15 years

This is what you want? Prisoners?...Including yourself?

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Can serial cheaters stop?

No doubt some can. Whether your wife specifically will choose to and whether remaining in your marriage makes a lot of sense for either of you are different questions.

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On 9/29/2021 at 9:19 PM, AlexUK79 said:

Can I hope she will ever change?

I mean, yeah.. you can hope in one hand and poop in the other and see what fills up first.

That's called having psychotic hope.  You know the answer to this. She's demonstrated to you that there is nothing about you that will make her be faithful--not even 2 children.

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Am I fighting for a lost cause? 

If you have to ask...

Divorce her and take full custody of your children.

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On 9/30/2021 at 6:50 AM, AlexUK79 said:

I like to think she loved me and still does.

Being in denial of what she is doesn't serve you. At all. If she loved you, she'd be in your bed and your bed alone. Sounds like she's in this other man's bed and he's more important to her than you and your sham of a marriage.

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Just the way she grew up. A lot of negative influences around her. Where she's from, it's no big deal to cheat.

You're not her savior. Stop making excuses for her. She's a grown woman. Plenty of women who grew up in the Philippines don't cheat.
 

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Divorce is also off the table. In this country, courts look at what's best for the kids. Courts don't just divorce you. Instead they give you a 2 years separation order. That works very well for her. If after those 2 years you still want to divorce, they will divorce you. Only way is to just leave....

 

I think you need to either speak with a lawyer or familiarize yourself with the Divorce, Dissolution and Separation Act 2020. According to Wikipedia about divorce in the UK:

Once in force, the Divorce, Dissolution and Separation Act 2020 will provide for no-fault divorce whereby an application for divorce by way of the making of a statement that the marriage has broken down irretrievably disregarding the reasons detailed above. The Act is expected to come into force from Autumn 2021. From beginning to end, if there are no further issues and Court permitting, it takes around six months. If there are any outstanding financial issues between the parties, most solicitors would advise resolving these by way of a 'Clean Break' Court order prior to obtaining the Decree Absolute.

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About the kids, she can not travel abroad with the children, without my written consent. She can not revoke my parental rights either. So I can keep her and the kids stuck in here for another 15 years, when my little guy is 18 and can decide for himself. She would suffer more, but most likely my kids too....

So you're about playing silly games of revenge. Dude, just cut the cord on the played out drama and set her adrift without your children.

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