Husband Impossible to Deal With!

[betsyadams10]

Backstory- been married 25 years with 2 grown children.  Marriage has been ok with its ups and downs.  Husband had what I consider an emotional affair 3 yrs ago with female coworker of his.  He crossed a lot of boundaries he said did not exist such as private lunches, dinners, traveling for work only with her (same hotel, luxury dinner each night, texting until midnight).  The coworker left his company, and things as far as that goes went back to normal. He still denies anything inappropriate happened, and anytime I get triggered to that time period, he blames my "jealousy" and for me causing strife when nothing was going on.    Whatever- I know he was crossing boundaries, but we agreed to try to work things out (although each time he denies what he did, it causes resentment inside me).  

So he's been home working since covid and I operate a business from home as well.  He makes over 100k per year, and has $6k per month in rental income (he owns some rental homes with his brother).  I make 80K per year....so we are not dirt poor.  We bought our home 20 years ago.  It is in a nice subdivision with 1 acre lot.  Hubby really pushed for this house (even though it is a 30 yr old home) because of the HUGE yard (1 acre).   

In the beginning when the kids were young, hubby maintained the yard, fence, house better.  We could actually go outside and enjoy our yard.  We put in a huge basketball court as well.  Over the years, he has lost interest in our home and maintaining a yard.  He has a normal 9-5 desk job that makes good money.  He has no stress in his job, and can pretty much do the job in his sleep.  I on the other hand have to bust my behind to work at my home business.  Since hubby lost interest in the yard, it has grown up with tons of poison ivy and weeds.  The basketball court no longer exists (weeds and grass grew over it years ago).  Our picket fence is falling apart- but hubby will not replace it or maintain it.  It is discolored and pickets always coming off.  We have an outdoor dog (we initially tried to make her an indoor dog but she constantly wanted to be outside and was happier there).  We have a giant storage building that we gave to our dog to use exclusively as a doghouse which is heated/cooled.  The storage building looks like crap- it has molded inside and outside and I personally had to go out and do some maintenance on it as hubby couldn't make time to do it.  We cleared land for 2 areas for our outdoor trash cans and also our new hvac unit.  I wanted concrete poured on each so weeds and grass wouldn't grow on them (I knew he wouldn't maintain them if they did).  He got our contractor to do concrete for the trash can area, but NOT the hvac area.  I told hubby we should at minimum put pebbles/rock in there so weeds would be deterred.  He refused, and what do you know....tons of 1.5 ft tall weeds grew all over our hvac unit (gross).  I mentioned having our driveway powerwashed/bleached (he refuses).  

So then we just started working on some remodeling on the inside.  I had a huge wall of cabinets put in for double pantries and food storage (to replace an older out of place set of cabinets).  I sold the old ones for just $300 less than the new ones (so we didn't spend a lot of money).   I have personally painted the walls in the kitchen to save costs. 

But here is the current problem:  we had to remodel a spare bedroom as it had some cracks in the drywall and mold behind an old wallpaper border the previous homeowners had painted over.  Also- it had old popcorn ceiling we wanted removed and have ceilings painted.  We hired our 60 yr old contractor to come do the work.  He told us he could do it in about a week (patch cracks, repaint, new flooring, etc).  However, the contractor ended up working only 2-3 hrs per day and dragging out the project for 2 weeks.   The contractor was messy with the popcorn ceiling (let it all fall to the floor and made a huge dusty mess).  I told my husband we should just let him go and find a replacement (he was charging us weekly vs his usual hourly rate- and I told hubby he was therefore dragging out the project to make more money.  Hubby refused to call anyone else, so we had a shouting match until he did try to get another contractor we know- but alas he was working out of town and couldn't).  I was super frustrated. 

Hubby was freaking out about the dust in the house.  He refused to allow us to sleep in our bedroom that night or run the hvac unit upstairs because of the dust.  He slept on a air mattress downstairs and I on the sofa.  In our upstairs hallway is also a popcorn ceiling.  I have personally taken down popcorn ceilings in just hours and with just a tiny amount of dust (I use a trash bag to let it fall into instead of on the floor).  So one afternoon, I just got an idea that I would just take down the upstairs hall ceiling myself.  I started it and it took me about 2.5 hours to complete.  Yes, there was some dust where I couldn't reach out over our staircase, but not much, and I vaccumed it right away as I worked and cleaned with a rag.  Hubby came into the hall and screamed at me that he can't believe I was doing this because of the dust we already had in the bedroom.  I told him now's the time as we were replacing the carpet anyway.  He told me he was "appalled" at me for doing this.  He was floored.  I told him to calm down, I would clean it all up.  I personally cleaned EVERYTHING up while he lay on the bed and played games on his phone.  Now, all I have left to do is paint the ceiling. 

He asked me to promise him I wouldn't paint for several days until the dust settled, so I agreed.  I ran an air purifier in the hallway for the next two nights (there was no dust however).   Since then, he has acted so weird.  He mopes around not talking, looks like someone killed him, acts so disconnected.  I thought I was doing us a favor by assisting with these projects (I'm saving money, doing a cleaner job than the contractor).  I have slept on the sofa for almost a week so hubby could get a good nights sleep in the bed (he says I always wake him up when I turn over in bed).  I am not sleeping great on the sofa, yet he says he is the one suffering here.  He has had his bed, he has done no house work (I have done all the dishes, laundry, etc).  All he has had to do is his job.  I am also doing my job, and the house repairs. 

I feel very frustrated, and I lashed out tonight.  We went out to run some errands.  I needed to go to the grocery store, and we picked up some food to go.  He harrassed me about whether I really needed groceries.   He picked at my driving (telling me I missed my turn- when there were 3 ways to get out of the parking lot).  He has become an extremely unhappy person.  He's no fun to be around.  When we got home, he told me to make his plate of food, and I told him I was busy putting up groceries.  He got mad, and then I went off on him.  I told him to not flip this on me, and I called him a selfish narcissist.  He got really pissed off, and took his food and went to eat upstairs by himself. 

I felt bad, so I came up to tell him let's move on and sorry for the name.  He told me he would not be speaking to me the rest of the night.  He turned the tv up to level 20 volume to drown my talking out.  I told him I would unplug the tv if he didn't turn it down.  He told me he would go downstairs and lock himself in our tv room and not let me in.  I told him I would knock the door down (I probably would have at that point).  It was just an ugly mess. 

Remodeling and anything involving maintaining a house just really wrecks him.  I don't love it either, but it was HE who chose this house with the HUGE yard that he is not maintaining.  He has enough $ to hire people to fix this mess, but refuses.  By the way- he has been also making me pay for the supplies/paint/etc that we buy at the hardware store....so I guess I'm just responsible for it all while he just plays games, watches tv, and just chills.  How do you motivate a man like this?  I just keep thinking how does he really love me as he says he does when he has no interest in our home/yard.  I see neighbors all around us, and the husbands are always out doing yard work or at minimum hiring it out.  Why does my husband do this?????   HELP!!!!!!

 

Edited September 30, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Wiseman2]

37 minutes ago, betsyadams10 said:

.  He makes over 100k per year, .  I make 80K per year....so we are not dirt poor.  

You need to take care of your property. Becoming an eyesore like this could get complaints from neighbors. You could also be fined for zoning violations.

It's unclear why neither of you hire landscapers or appropriate property caretaking services.

You're married, co-own the property and are both responsible for it, so it's not "he made me pay", it's hire appropriate contractors for exterior, interior and overall property upkeep.

Edited September 30, 2021 by Wiseman2

[betsyadams10]

Sorry if I was not clear…we have a mower that cuts grass, but hubby won’t get them to do weeds and other maintenance.  Hubby told me years ago he was going to plant grass seed.  So I didn’t interfere.  He never did, and all last summer we had torrential rain and our back yard was gross.  No grass in spots and pure mud.  I had to constantly keep asking so he finally planted grass this year and it looks ok.  It’s like he says he can do these things but then he won’t.  Why is he not taking pride in his home?  Does he not feel it is a reflection on himself?  

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, betsyadams10 said:

Sorry if I was not clear…we have a mower that cuts grass, but hubby .  Why is he not taking pride in his home?  Does he not feel it is a reflection on himself?  

Start to research appropriate landscaping services before you are fined for creating this eyesore.

You're legally responsible as well to maintain your property.

It's horrible for the neighbors and neighborhood that you're hung up on grass seed and DIY lawn care while you and your husband create a hazard and eyesore.

Fix the problem. This power struggle between you and your husband should not be creating a neighborhood menace.

[Pumpernickel]

I’m assuming he wasn’t always like this, or else you wouldn’t have married him. Something changed him. Maybe he’s depressed or unmotivated. He doesn’t seem to make your home and family a priority. 

[mark clemson]

Landscapers, contractors, and housekeepers can fix and maintain a house and yard, and clearly you can afford them. What they CAN'T fix is emotional disconnect in a marriage, and selfish, uncaring behavior in a spouse (which is sometimes mutual or at least mutually perceived as such).

Edited September 30, 2021 by mark clemson

[DividedTrail]

My wife could have probably written that about me. Lots of similarities. Not all, but enough. 

I might have more to say later but I would wager he has some combination of feeling depressed, unsatisfied, unfulfilled and wondering if this is it. What’s the next thing to work towards is.  

How is the friendship and intimacy aspect of your marriage? Have you two grown apart in the last couple years? 

Even though he has an easy job as you say and makes good money, if he is bored or unfulfilled, that can take its toll. Combine that with feeling disconnected from his wife (making assumptions here)  and that is a recipe for not putting effort into anything. 

You’re not going to motivate him by fussing and ‘taking charge’ so to speak, even if justified. That isn’t going to change things. He needs to make that decision himself through self motivation and probably IC.

I say all this because you have been together quite awhile and he wasn’t always like this. It would be another thing if you married a man baby from the beginning.

One or both of you needs to calmly and as lovingly as possible, start talking about the real issues. Not the house or the yard, but what is going on, really. The house and yard are just symptoms of the bigger problem. Personally, that is where I’ve been stuck for a bit myself.

 

 

[glows]

Do you just assume that he has stopped speaking with other women or having emotional(or otherwise physical) affairs? Every bit of his demeanour, outlook, behaviour suggests he has checked out of the marriage entirely and would rather be elsewhere or with someone else. He finds fault with little things you do and doesn't appreciate you, demands that prepare his meals even during a tense situation and seems completely out of his mind/checked out. I would suggest you both have a heart to heart but you may find out more information that you don't like about his cheating. 

He's not interested in you. He cares for the house and his living area but he is trying to disconnect repeatedly from you and disengage. Hire contractors to fix up the remaining work needed to be done in the house or just stop altogether if you can't come to an agreement. Clear up any unsafe messes as best you can in the meantime. It's admirable that you took down the ceiling yourself but slow down. The marriage is falling apart so deal with the marriage and if you cannot, speak with a lawyer about what your possible options are should you decide to separate. Your husband has one foot out the door.

 

 

[betsyadams10]

You would think he is checked out by what I describe, but every night we are on the sofa together holding hands.  He doesn’t go out of the house except for light errands (so don’t think he has time to meet women).  This is a description on our typical day:  he gets up and logs on to his job via laptop and he is there most of the day with exception of a nap at lunchtime.  I get up, do my work in my home office, do dishes, laundry, other housework, groceries, errands etc.  Our kids still live at home and are doing their own thing.  Hubby logs off around 5-6pm, we either cook or pick up food, then watch tv together until bedtime at 11:30pm.  He is just uninterested in repairing or maintaining the home, yard, etc without my bringing it up (which usually leads to argument).  Any spare time he has, he is on his phone or computer playing chess.  When he goes off to bed at 11:30, he leaves the evening dishes piled up and I stay up doing dishes, laundry etc for several hours.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, betsyadams10 said:

.  He is just uninterested in repairing or maintaining the home, yard, etc without my bringing it up (which usually leads to argument).  

Why won't you employ landscapers and a cleaning service? 

If your adult kids are still living with you,why can't they help you out?

This seems like nagging as a bad habit rather than finding easy and affordable ways to solve your problems.

Nagging is a form of resentment and power struggle.

You claim you have adequate incomes to get the help you need. 

Do either of you have health problems? Why not start solving your problems? 

Get a landscaper and housekeeper.

Make an appointment with your physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

At least this way you can address your inertia about hiring appropriate help and address your concerns about your bickering, resentment and being in a rut.

[basil67]

Following @Wiseman2's advice about organising a gardener yourself, I also has the same thought.  But then I noticed that you keep your incomes separate.  If you organised a gardener, would you have to pay for it?  Or is it possible to pool your money so that both of you contribute to ongoing living expenses?

 

[betsyadams10]

So I asked hubby for the phone number of our other contractor to get some light fixtures put up.  Hubby wouldn’t give it to me- he would only say “I don’t think he does that kind of electrical work”.  😡

I had a discussion with hubby and shared my feelings that I feel he is always blocking my efforts to get things done.  Of course he blew up and said it was all me thinking that and he doesn’t care if I buy a dozen light fixtures, etc (then why is he so hard to deal with?) It’s almost intentional or a control thing.  There is a huge heap of trash/junk that was torn out of the old bedroom during our remodel.  We sometimes hire a junk removal guy who only charges $75 to haul this stuff off-but alas hubby suggests we leave it until our trash pickup day and try to cram it in our trash dumpsters.  Gross.  I had to argue with him just to get him to call the junk removal guy.  Every little thing is a struggle.   I removed the popcorn ceiling but he won’t allow me to sand it or finish it for a few weeks because he hates the dust.  Today, he flashes a smile and kisses me (says he misses kissing me), then an hour later asks for sex.  😡  I put off a turned off vibe so he asked what’s wrong with me.  I told him didn’t want to discuss.  He pleaded to just tell him, so I mentioned the stressed is bothering me and he never says anything nice to me until sex time.  He went off pouting and acts cold now.  Sorry not sorry!

Edited October 2, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[S2B]

Why don’t your adult kids help clean, cook and do laundry?

it may be that they are modeling after their father.

why isn’t there combined money for household expenses like the ones you describe?

if your husband isn’t performing g at the level you expect - tell him so. Ask him why he doesn’t help like he did years ago.

he sounds depressed honestly. Is there a chance he’s punishing you because you made him get rid of the OW? I think that’s a possibility - and now he’s angry with you that he no longer has his playmate.

[IrinaM]

Quote

He has a normal 9-5 desk job that makes good money.  He has no stress in his job, and can pretty much do the job in his sleep.  I on the other hand have to bust my behind to work at my home business. 

^^^methinks this is part of the problem. He obviously resents you, maybe because you think he has an easy-breezy life while you have to "bust your behind." I find it a little hard to believe that he's making all this money no problem. High-income jobs are typically high-stress and involve a high degree of skill. Rental properties are hardly free money either.

I'm just saying, it sounds to me like you don't appreciate your husband. You have a catalogue of all his misdeeds, most of which you could take care of yourself.

[betsyadams10]

Yes I appreciate the things he DOES do (even though I don't receive any acknowledgement for things I do).  He goes to bed and wakes up and our house is as spotless as it can be.  Our adult children help out- they could do more but they do a lot.  I'm sure his job has some degree of stress, but I don't see him stressed with his job.  He seems to LIVE for his job.  This is where he met OW (she was his boss) and they developed policy documents together and became close.  I'm sorry if he is upset that I got tired of his relationship with her- but it set a bad example for my kids who were teens at the time.  They thought it was odd their father was dining alone for lunch and dinner only with this woman and also taking so many trips with her.  On one such trip, they texted back and forth 100 times before his plane arrived at the destination city (she was already there).  Of course they were in the same hotel and had drinks at the hotel bar, expensive dinners together (just the two of them).  So- he should have remembered he is married and not a bachelor because married people don't tend to take things that far.  Don't get me started on that time period of their EA- he was in a terrible fog and suddenly everything was wrong with me and our family.  I honestly should have let him go instead of trying to fight for my family if he is not happy at home (if this is the reason).  I am a faithful spouse and I try my best to do what I'm supposed to do.  I am constantly working, doing chores, grocery shopping, entertaining him, there is honestly no time leftover for myself but you don't see me all depressed and whiney.  I'm just tired of him being so controlling and every decision has to go thru him (what money is spent, who we hire and when, etc).    Here's a little example:  he recently spent almost $1,000 on a new desk for himself.  I personally think that is a bit expensive when he's so cost conscious, and I gently let him know we might be able to find a better deal.  He insisted on this desk, and told me he was using HIS work bonus money to buy it.  Ok.....yet I went out and spent $490 on new laminate flooring for a bedroom we are remodeling.  I mentioned to him that I purchased it out of my account and I was happy to contribute to the remodeling costs.  He hit the roof and said "what do you mean "your money"?   I said it was out of my account.  He then corrected me that it was "our money" and that I didn't have any money that was mine.  Excuse me?  Then I said - then your bonuses are "mine".  LOL.  This is the kind of stuff I deal with.  Petty.

[HappilyMarried]

So sorry @betsyadams10you make your own money just hire someone yourself and pay for it with your own money. Heck I am a man and what he is doing (or not doing I guess) if I was you I would hire a house keeper as well once a week or at least every other week. Best of luck!

[S2B]

You two need counseling - to address the cheating that was never worked through. Also the money issues since it’s a power struggle that’s causing problems.

divide all the household chores between everyone who lives there. If they don’t contribute evenly then ask them to move. Hire help if it’s too overwhelming for all of you.

your kids are adults - they should be learning how to manage every single necessity to run a home. Tell your husband to lead by example.

[Crazelnut]

You two have SO many issues. Honestly, it sounds like you don't even LIKE each other very much. If he will agree to MC, go. If he won't go, it may be time to pull the plug on this "marriage." You both sound angry and miserable. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, betsyadams10 said:

This is where he met OW . was dining alone for lunch and dinner only with this woman and also taking so many trips with her. 

 I am constantly working, doing chores, grocery shopping, entertaining him, there is honestly no time leftover for myself but you don't see me all depressed and whiney.

Cut this part out of your tireless routine. Stop being a martyr. Get a housekeeper, landscaper, contractor, etc. out of joint marital funds.

There's no such thing as your money/his money if you co-own the house and are legally married.

You appear to be seething with resentment.

You're marching to your own drummer here and he's completely checked out.

 Get to a physician about your depression, stress, anxiety. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist. Start there.

 Discuss your marital discord and if you would rather divorce, live as roommates or attempt marriage therapy.

 Bickering chronically about household trivia is only a symptom of much larger problems.

 

[elaine567]

On 10/1/2021 at 6:35 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Why won't you employ landscapers and a cleaning service? 

Because, she would have to pay for all that stuff herself, out of her ow n money. 
He controls the purse strings and controls what she is allowed to do.
As she is doing most of the actual work around the property, she is in no mood to also spend her hard earned cash whilst he watches TV and plays video games.
It is win win for him, he has a live in cook and housekeeper, spends little or no money and pleases himself doing nothing productive.
The OP is ran ragged trying to run a business and also maintain some semblance of normality...

His affair with his boss, gave him a huge sense of entitlement.
He was wined and dined and enjoyed himself.
Now he has a wife who he now KNOWS is going nowhere, so he can treat her as shitty as he likes and she will not leave.
He is in no mood to spend his money or to maintain his home. He doesn't have to, so he doesn't.
He does the bare minimum, so he can get sex. That is what the holding hands and the smiling occasionally is about...
 He has carved himself out a nice niche...
Who cares if the OP is not happy? She can just put up and shut up, he will do as he pleases...

[Alfano]

If he was alone with her on several occasions including being in the same hotel with her then it’s highly unlikely that the affair was only emotional. 
 

Could very well be that he’s into her and you’re just sort of in the way and he’s resentful and it’s coming out in different ways. Perhaps the affair is ongoing which helps explain his present behavior and attitude.

Either way from how you describe it, there are serious issues here. He buys whatever he wants but reads you the riot act when you do the same, you singlehandedly rip out a ceiling in a couple of hours and rather than praise you he berates you, and he does almost nothing to maintain the house.

This isn’t a partnership it’s a battle. 

 

[BaileyB]

Husbands can be impossible from time to time, yes.

But this husband seems excessively so. Not sure why you feel it’s your responsibility to pick up his slack. If he is not pulling his weight and everything is a fight, perhaps you need to make a different decision…

It’s like arguing with a preschooler - don’t do it, you will never win. Despite your effort, it doesn’t sound like you’ve been success changing anything here… So, perhaps it’s time to stop arguing. 

Honestly, I would save myself a lot of time and aggravation. I would divorce, sell the house, buy a cute little place that doesn’t require a lot of maintenance, and live happily ever after in peace and solitude. 

 

Edited October 2, 2021 by BaileyB

[Stret]

I can see three possibilities but it doesn't have to mean that there are no other explanations:

Anger, irritability and just lying around not having energy for tasks around the house could be symptoms of depression. 

He's having an affair of some sort. 

His feelings towards you have changed and you have become a nuisance in his life and he is taking it out on you. 

[Stret]

29 minutes ago, Alfano said:

If he was alone with her on several occasions including being in the same hotel with her then it’s highly unlikely that the affair was only emotional. 

I would disagree with this. My job often requires me to travel with colleagues and there are just some guys whose company I enjoy as friends. If you are in the same hotel and having dinner, it would be awkward to have it separately so you sit and talk. If there are things to discuss via messages later, work related or something funny - we do that. I have zero feelings of "that" kind towards them and they've never crossed the boundary of what's appropriate. I'd never hang like that with someone who would be willing to cheat on the spouse. 

So the husband might be truthful about the relationship with the coworker. There are plenty of non emotional non sexual relationships between coworkers, way more than those that turn into fling or affair. 

 

[mark clemson]

Agree that there seem to be a lot of problems here.

2 points WRT the arguing around "sex time" (both IMO). One is that it's important for some folks to remember that intimacy time is NOT the time to start bringing up unresolved issues in the marriage. Tends to sabotage the whole thing unless it's a very minor issue that can be speedily resolved.

The other, of course, is that if someone's treating their spouse poorly and/or not dealing with major issues in the marriage, it's obviously not particularly fair or realistic to have much hope for the sex part to go well.

Overall a loss of intimacy tends to erode most marriages. If you take that away you're more or less left with a roommate and/or co-parent (who you may have more financial interconnections to than you'd like).