Husband Impossible to Deal With!

[Lotsgoingon]

Sounds to me like husband is depressed--and mean. And I don't think you wanna excuse the "mean" just because he might be depressed.

The depressed person needs to acknowledge their depression and aggressively seek help and treatment. Otherwise the depression will undermine the relationship as well as undermine their own life and wellbeing.

My other thought is that your husband is shamed by your high energy. He doesn't know how to say this, but he sees you working really hard and for whatever reason, he no longer maintains things. It's like he's dead. So he exploded at you about the ceiling because he was embarrassed and ashamed to see his energetic wife in problem-solving, take-action mode. He was shamed by his own passivity.  Again, I think this is a mean side, not just defensiveness about depression.

Curious: what does he do with all his free time? TV? 

Time for you to get brutally honest here. Quit giving him the benefit of the doubt. He's acting really lazy and not owning up to it. It's OK to be lazy, but you want to own up to "I'm sorry. I just don't have the energy to maintain things now." And then take action that fits his level of energy (like all the ideas you had about paving over things to prevent weeds--great ideas btw!)  Instead, not only is he not doing his part, he's lashing out at you when you try to fill the gap of his inaction. That's unacceptable. 

This is really hard ... I mean really hard ... but see if at some point you can approach him with full compassion (I know, hard) and ask him in the most nonjudgmental way possible, what is going on? The trick here is you gotta drain ALL resentment, all digs and secret jabs out of the conversation. Your goal is to ask him about his wellbeing with whatever love you have remaining. Unfortunately your husband is emotionally clueless and dumb (you know this right?) so he doesn't realize he doesn't need to feel ashamed about his inaction, but he does need to get to the bottom of it. So he might be defensive and destructive even if you bring your most loving, nonjudgmental self forward.  Another tip here might be to stay away from accusing him of anything but do say that you wonder if he even likes you anymore.  The best way to put this is to say you wonder if he feels disappointed in you. See if you can speak out all that you admire in him and you might have to lean on all that you admired in him from the past (since he's so out of it now). 

I say all the above with hesitation. I place the burden of resolving things on you. But I only say this because he's passive and emotionally dead and destructive. He has no capacity to constructively talk to you. (You gotta face this at some point!) So he isn't going to help you guys out of this conflict. And he can't handle a straight-forward conversation--that's when he becomes defensive and mean. So you wanna see if you can get him to relax and admit to some struggle, let his guard down. 

The bottom line is you wanna give him a chance to come clean with his inaction and his petty anger at your action. You go out of your way to allow him to come clean with dignity, but if he doesn't take up your offer of acceptance, it's time to consider marriage counseling and/or divorce. I'm not saying it's your job or duty to initiate this kind of conversation. I'm saying given how effed up he is acting, the only hope is for you to take some initiative. 

Sounds really frustrating.

Are you sure you do want to remain in the marriage? And how long has it been that he has been in this lazy funk? And did he strike out with you all along or just recently? 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, betsyadams10 said:

Every little thing is a struggle.  Today, he flashes a smile and kisses me , then an hour later asks for sex.  😡  I put off a turned off vibe so he asked what’s wrong with me.  I told him didn’t want to discuss.  He pleaded to just tell him, so I mentioned the stressed is bothering me and he never says anything nice to me until sex time.  He went off pouting and acts cold now.

This is as passive aggressive as playing martyr . Sex is not a bartering tool to get a landscaper, contractor or housekeeper in there.

 A lot of this nonsense is from his inertia and cheating, but a lot of it is your doing such as nagging.

You seem married to your excessive home projects, redecorating shiny floors etc and he's married to his computer.

 

[Alfano]

1 hour ago, Stret said:

I would disagree with this. My job often requires me to travel with colleagues and there are just some guys whose company I enjoy as friends. If you are in the same hotel and having dinner… 

 

You missed the parts about it being an emotional affair with inappropriate behaviors and crossing boundaries with several notable examples provided in the Op. 

[DividedTrail]

I re-read OPs original post and I didn’t see anything that clearly indicated an emotional affair. When I traveled for work, I was in those exact scenarios at times and it was never more than a work relationship. At worst so to speak, I liked them as a person and I felt good around them, but that was it. 

It just sounds like there is enough resentment to go around. I would wager that if the husband woke up tomorrow and had all the projects planned out for completion in the next week, the OP would still find something to be annoyed with him about. OP’s posts are full of frustration and anger and what he is doing wrong. I don’t get any sense that she is willing to take ownership of anything (other than projects she wants done) or even a hint of sensitivity in trying to get to the bottom of what might be bothering him. What has caused this rift between them that is likely years in the making. ETA: if it really comes down to she feels there was an emotional affair and he denies it, I’m not sure how you resolve that without counseling  

And as I said in a previous post, her feelings could all be justified and she could be 100% in the right,  but unless the both of them can set some of these emotions aside, nothing positive is going to come of it. I say all of this because I feel some similarities between what the OP has shared and what I am currently going through with my wife. This topic has hit home in a lot of ways. 

Edited October 2, 2021 by DividedTrail

[glows]

13 hours ago, betsyadams10 said:

Yes I appreciate the things he DOES do (even though I don't receive any acknowledgement for things I do).  He goes to bed and wakes up and our house is as spotless as it can be.  Our adult children help out- they could do more but they do a lot.  I'm sure his job has some degree of stress, but I don't see him stressed with his job.  He seems to LIVE for his job.  This is where he met OW (she was his boss) and they developed policy documents together and became close.  I'm sorry if he is upset that I got tired of his relationship with her- but it set a bad example for my kids who were teens at the time.  They thought it was odd their father was dining alone for lunch and dinner only with this woman and also taking so many trips with her.  On one such trip, they texted back and forth 100 times before his plane arrived at the destination city (she was already there).  Of course they were in the same hotel and had drinks at the hotel bar, expensive dinners together (just the two of them).  So- he should have remembered he is married and not a bachelor because married people don't tend to take things that far.  Don't get me started on that time period of their EA- he was in a terrible fog and suddenly everything was wrong with me and our family.  I honestly should have let him go instead of trying to fight for my family if he is not happy at home (if this is the reason).  I am a faithful spouse and I try my best to do what I'm supposed to do.  I am constantly working, doing chores, grocery shopping, entertaining him, there is honestly no time leftover for myself but you don't see me all depressed and whiney.  I'm just tired of him being so controlling and every decision has to go thru him (what money is spent, who we hire and when, etc).    Here's a little example:  he recently spent almost $1,000 on a new desk for himself.  I personally think that is a bit expensive when he's so cost conscious, and I gently let him know we might be able to find a better deal.  He insisted on this desk, and told me he was using HIS work bonus money to buy it.  Ok.....yet I went out and spent $490 on new laminate flooring for a bedroom we are remodeling.  I mentioned to him that I purchased it out of my account and I was happy to contribute to the remodeling costs.  He hit the roof and said "what do you mean "your money"?   I said it was out of my account.  He then corrected me that it was "our money" and that I didn't have any money that was mine.  Excuse me?  Then I said - then your bonuses are "mine".  LOL.  This is the kind of stuff I deal with.  Petty.

I don't think it's petty though. These are buried and devastating resentments, so deep that they are now bubbling up to the surface and life is becoming unbearable and very dysfunctional.

Are you burying your resentment of the EA with these home projects? I ask because that what it seems is happening, to put it bluntly. By your standards he has cheated or taken his work relationships too far. If by chance he's confided in the other person about his marriage or his discontent that's also a form of betrayal, lack of discretion or respect for you or the marriage. There's a lot there to unpack and resentments to work through. It's ironic that the chaos in the house also reflects the chaos in the marriage or dysfunction. It's a cold war between the two of you, broken up occasionally by disagreements and arguments. Perhaps it's not relevant anymore about whether he is happy. Are you happy? 

Stop with all the remodeling and upgrades. Is this a place you want to be? 

[elaine567]

17 minutes ago, DividedTrail said:

I re-read OPs original post and I didn’t see anything that clearly indicated an emotional affair.

Read her other posts.

[DividedTrail]

Just now, elaine567 said:

Read her other posts.

Yeah. I JUST saw the one that glows responded to. Not sure how I missed all that… forget what I said. 

[elaine567]

3 minutes ago, glows said:

There's a lot there to unpack and resentments to work through. It's ironic that the chaos in the house also reflects the chaos in the marriage or dysfunction

That is why she is so keen to put things back to order, stability, security... and sanity.

[S2B]

Your husband is checked out. He isn’t willing to invest in this marriage in any way.

if you don’t like the way it is (and he’s cheated on you) just divorce him. Your mind set is separate anyway since you see the money as separate as well.

I don’t understand - have you two ever worked as a team? It doesn’t seem like a healthy union at all. 

stop complaining to him and begin to divorce him - he’s not interested in the marriage anymore/ much less the house.

[betsyadams10]

I do love my husband or else wouldn’t keep trying all this time.   We were once so close we would sing rap songs karaoke together all the time.  

Things started getting rocky when we started arguing about frequency of sex (about 8 yrs ago).  I truly believe hubby has a mild form of sex addiction and ADHD (he will not admit either one or work on either one but a counselor once diagnosed him with SA).  When we were young and in sync it was fine (at least 4-5 times a week).  As we got older and busy w kids the frequency down to 1-2 per week and when I was sick or when we were arguing maybe once per ten days.  He held a ton of resentment towards me because of it.  

As a result he was watching porn nightly before bed and taking care of himself (nightly - which I believe made his drive even stronger).  This is when he first changed to robotic with me and no more emotions during sex.  Obviously I knew something was up.  I snooped on his phone and lo and behold saw tons of porn, video chats, etc (he claims to never have video chatted- was only pop ups).

His phone also contained a text from hooker on backpage (he denies knowing) and he says was not intended for him.  I lost my mind over this (worried if he was lying I’d get an std or worse).  I tried for weeks to get him to admit it but he denied.  He resents me for all of this as well (it just seemed to fit given what he was secretly doing on his phone).  
 

Immediately after, he started leaving to go to gym daily before I’d wake up in the morning (sudden new habit).  It took about a half year for me to trust him again.  I would text him while he was at the gym and he’d be very rude accusing me of checking up on him.  Finally we got over that and we’re back to normal.  
 

We had some issues with our teenagers for the next couple of years.  Then that was better as well.  Then he got the new job and started hanging out with his female boss (unbeknownst to me).   In hindsight, I remember him asking if I would be ok with him going to a once per month after work party at a bar.  He would always guilt trip me by saying the other men’s wives were fine with it- I’m sure she (ow) was there.  I just had no clue he had a work wifey.  He came home with gifts she’d given him (claiming she gave everyone one- I doubt it).  I remember him staying late a lot and going into work at 7am about once a month (normal work arrival was 9).  This is a man who hates early mornings and is unmotivated to do stuff yet he is going to work suddenly at 7am.  Yea right.

Their spending time together seems to have progressed to candlelit dinners together while on travel, lunches, sharing gum, texting at midnight.  He was using the “she’s my boss” excuse to do all of it. He “had” to do this stuff (yet I saw no other males at his office doimg this).
 

This little thingy lasted over a year before he came home to announce that he suddenly couldn’t see it working out for me and him (no warning whatsoever).  So yea- I call it an EA and “dating” your workmate.   Suddenly, I was criticized for anything I did (my clothes, my schedule, my cooking, etc).   Some of the stuff he would say to me I will never forget it was so crazy and out of character.  Needless to say I had asked him to stop all of this and be my husband again but he would call me a nut and crazy with jealousy (told all his family I was insecure and jealous).  The last act was him visiting a divorce lawyer (the OW just so happened to have worked at law firm years ago). I truly believe she convinced him I was the devil and he needed to leave our family.

I won’t forget him sitting down with our kids to tell them we were separating. When they asked why he said because your mother’s jealousy.  Your mom needs to possibly be checked into an institution to work on it.  (He was keeping a journal and notes on our arguments). He’s lucky he wasn’t drop kicked out of our house.  I didn’t want my family split up (I came split up family and didn’t want it for my kids).   So this is why I would be resentful.  Plus the fact that he 80% denies any wrongdoing in any of it and still thinks it was mostly my fault and I owe him-I should be showering him with affection, time, money etc.

What kind of person does this????

 

 

 

 

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, betsyadams10 said:

What kind of person does this????

A pretty nasty one and you are being a complete fool for putting up with it.
Why are you sacrificing your life and your happiness  for a guy who doesn't care one jot about you and has shown you that time after time.
What do you love about this guy? He is being horrible to you.
How can you "fix" anything, he doesn't want fixed, he is perfectly happy using, controlling and being nasty to you. 
I guess you  feel you have no other option

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, betsyadams10 said:

 What kind of person does this?

Someone who's completely checked out for years and is abusive to you.

However you're so wrapped up in house cleaning and decorating and remodeling.

He's not interested in your marriage. He's interested in extramarital sex and tuning you out and gaslighting you.

The question is: what kind of person wants to stay married to that?

Your both living a lie. You're calling him "hubby" and pretending house maintenance will improve your marriage. He's still on his computer all day living a life without you.

He tells your kids he's divorcing you and you belong in an institution and your response is mow the lawn?

Why not speak to your doctor about your physical and mental health as well as being frank about his extramarital sex, hookers, affairs etc. 

Get a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Also consult an attorney to discuss your options in divorce.

[amerikajin]

6 hours ago, betsyadams10 said:

His phone also contained a text from hooker on backpage (he denies knowing) and he says was not intended for him.  I lost my mind over this (worried if he was lying I’d get an std or worse).  I tried for weeks to get him to admit it but he denied.  He resents me for all of this as well (it just seemed to fit given what he was secretly doing on his ph

Your instincts are correct: it doesn't pass the bullsh*t test. And that he won't admit it only makes it worse.

You have a very serious problem in your marriage right now, one that only a trained professional can help you both navigate. He has to be willing to acknowledge he has a problem first. He will probably have 'his side of the story', which is fine -- let him talk about that in a therapy session. But don't allow him to use that to avoid his problem. 

It's one thing to have sexual thoughts that go beyond your marriage - that is normal. It is absolutely not normal to invite a sex worker into your relationship. It's dangerous and wrong on so many levels. 

[S2B]

You may have had a close relationship at one time but not now.

you keep harping on all the things he does wrong. If you don’t like it - end the marriage. He’s changed now. He doesn’t want to participate with you and the marriage anymore.

love shouldn’t look like this = him avoiding you and you nagging him. It sounds like misery. 

divorce him. Buy a small and manageable house on your own and do what you please with the house. Let him live in peace.

Edited October 3, 2021 by S2B

[DividedTrail]

I’ve commented a couple times about how I can relate to some of what you have written. I was more triggered so to speak by a seeming lact of intamacy and connection over a period of time that has manifested into all out war about household projects. I was off the mark here in a lot of ways  

It has been mentioned but I I must say, the conniving viscousness and gaslighting your husband is displaying towards you and your children is pretty appalling.

I would wager he is done with the marriage and is too lazy or chicken to actually start the process. I also wonder if part of the aggressiveness towards you is, he is hoping you will file and he can say you are the ‘bad guy’. He would rather react to that than be proactive. I would speak with a lawyer and probably do IC and have a plan to present your side to friends and family where appropriate.

You said you still love him. I would think MC is in order at the very least. If he won’t go or it isn’t fruitful, at least you can say you tried everything. 

[BaileyB]

11 hours ago, betsyadams10 said:

I won’t forget him sitting down with our kids to tell them we were separating. When they asked why he said because your mother’s jealousy.  Your mom needs to possibly be checked into an institution to work on it.

Sounds like a great guy you’ve got there… I can see why you stayed. (That’s sarcasm, in case it didn’t come across as such). 

In all seriousness, your plan was to stay together and punish each every day for the rest of your lives for the hurt, anger, and resentment you have toward each other? All the while, lamenting about the “good old days” when you actually liked each other and treated each other with kindness and respect. How’s that working for you?  

Why are you posting? Are you just here to complain and perhaps seeking validation that you are right - your husband is a terrible person and you have every right to be resentful? Are you hoping to find some miracle way that you can actually change the man you married and right this ship? If enough people say, this is a disaster - you need to leave - will that give you the support and encouragement that you need to walk away? What are you hoping to find here…

[betsyadams10]

I am posting to vent and also to see how out of norm this stuff is.  This is a long term marriage and I take my vows seriously.  I don’t give up easily on people- to a fault.  
The idea is heartbreaking to me- my hubby used to be so caring and romantic (proposed during a surprise trip to Eiffel Tower that he organized completely down to the buying me several outfits to wear so he could totally surprise me with the trip).  

I am also posting this to educate other women to this type of behavior on behalf of their husbands. This EA thing was totally blindsiding- just so out of character for him.  If it can happen to us it could happen to anyone.   
I will say I saw some subtle changes with him right after he started the job before i found out about her.  Examples:  his reading self help books, him changing his appearance which I thought was just for the new job, etc.   One thing that strikes me as odd is how he got into the career field altogether.  He went into a new niche career field that is pretty specific and went on a one week crash training course in another city just all of a sudden.  Then months later happens to get hired and hit it off w his female boss pretty much immediately.  
The attitude toward me and the separation/divorce talk started within 2 months of starting the job.  I think this is an awful short amount of time to do a 360 degree attitude change toward your marriage.  This boss was already in this field for a couple of years and already working there before he was hired on.  Maybe he met her during that course?  While he was gone for that week (4 hr away from our house), he only called once per day late at night literally right before going to bed.  No texts or other calls- which was kind of odd.  Also he didn’t discuss this course with me which I thought was also odd as we usually talked about everything.  
So once I suspected something was going on…When I looked thru his phone, there would be lots of texts asking him if he could go to lunch, if he would save her a seat beside him at a meeting, if he had any gum.  It showed they were chummy but not really incriminating.   I could never prove anything other than how I was being treated or things I knew for sure they were doing.  He was careful when he texted photos of their dinner meals to not include anything in the background of the pics.  He insists nothing went down with her and it’s all my imagination and jealous behavior.  (This from a man who confronts other men just for looking at me at the mall.)  

This woman was also married- I wonder if her spouse knew what she was doing.  My husband would have died if I did the same to him.  Just would have not ever forgiven me- yet he can just compartmentalize all his actions away and ask me to do the same.  I had placed a recorder in his truck to see if he was talking to her there.  It would be weird because he was always talking aloud but I’d never hear anyone talking to him.  Things he said were choppy and like he was just muttering his thoughts out loud.  I had saved $1k by selling stuff on eBay and my money was still in my PayPal because I always leave it there to buy us other household items and use PayPal to pay with.  On one recording he said “that one thousand is part mine and I’m going to get it”.  So crazy- who does this.  He makes $10k per month and he’s venting aloud about my little $1k in PayPal???    When asked about it he blew it off and said he often talks to himself in his truck.

Edited October 4, 2021 by betsyadams10

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, betsyadams10 said:

I am posting to vent 

Ok, that's fine. However speaking to a qualified therapist for ongoing support and specific feedback to help you would be a great idea.

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, betsyadams10 said:

my hubby used to be so caring and romantic (proposed during a surprise trip to Eiffel Tower that he organized completely down to the buying me several outfits to wear so he could totally surprise me with the trip).

And how long ago was that?
That man is gone and he isn't coming back.
The man you live with now is the real him.

Self help books can make people reassess their lives and make changes.
They can often emphasise prioritising the self, putting self above everything else.
He reinvented himself and left you way behind.
During the affair he was going to expensive restaurants and going on trips - fun.
Now you want to drag him back to the marriage with the "fun" of renovation and clearing the back yard...
He doesn't want to do that and he doesn't want to spend oodles of cash  either on something he has no interest in.
He may be saving up for the divorce...  Would you know if he was stashing money away?

Sex is very important to some men, they want sex whether you want it or not.
They see it as their right and if they don't get it they pout, lash out and passive aggressively or aggressively demand it.
By being busy  with family and having no time for sex, he started to resent you and now years later he is checked out, only checking in to get his quota of sex. 
It is quite galling for many women who have given their lives to men, loved them unconditionally. borne their children, waited on them hand and foot... to find his love and attention is conditional on whether or not he is getting enough sex...

[Crazelnut]

The more you write, the more I'm sure of this -- either get him to a MC or divorce him. This is such a dysfunctional mess, and you need to stop playing martyr. 

[d0nnivain]

If you can throw money at a problem & fix it, it's not that much of a problem.  Granted contractors are hard to come by in Covid buy between your jobs & his rental income you two earn over a quarter of a million dollars per year.  Hire people to do that lawn.  Then buy a riding mower & do it yourself if you don't want to pay somebody or downsize as soon as you get the building presentable again. 

You are a business owner, you know how to get things done.  Work around DH & once you get into a smaller more manageable space work on your marriage.  i suspect if you ask him, your husband would say that he got less interested in you as your business took off & you cared more about that then him.  I'm not saying you were wrong to become an entrepreneur but somewhere in here I get the sense that your husband feels unappreciated so he stopped making an effort & then had this alleged EA with a woman who was paying attention to him.  

 

Edited October 4, 2021 by d0nnivain

[Els]

When I read your first post, I was thinking "Why is a couple that makes more than $250K a year in combined income arguing this much about money?"

Then I read your other posts about the hookers and cheating and plain abusive behaviour, and I had my answer.

OP, you're not seeing the forest for the trees. The HVAC, the yards, the weeds, the popcorn ceiling... none of that MATTERS. Your husband could be the most hardworking landscaper and home remodeler in town... and it wouldn't matter. You are married to an abusive, cheating man who has checked out of your marriage years ago, and you are having continuous shouting matches with him over absolutely nothing. Because deep down... you know that you are married to an abusive, cheating man who has checked out of your marriage years ago.

Literally everything about your current yard and home remodeling situation could be fixed with money, which both of you should have plenty of. You don't even have to live in your house while it's being remodeled, just rent a place to live in temporarily. But no amount of money will fix the abuse and the cheating.

You are doing no one any favours by staying. Your kids are already adults, anyway. What are you hoping to accomplish by dragging this out?

Edited October 4, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[glows]

After everything you have written how could you possibly view him the same way again? You're operating on fear, an imaginary outcome of what your kids may perceive or think of you as a parent and possibly guilt for separating from your husband. It's largely about you worrying about what your kids or others think of you if you were to leave or divorce your morally bankrupt husband. Regardless of how busy you are, cheating is a choice and an act of betrayal and deception. He chose to break those vows. Nothing he says or does after that could cover that up but you're trying based on a belief that you take your vows seriously. 

You are entitled to your choices but you have to be the one to live with yourself and the mess that the marriage is, day in and day out, undone housework and chaotic remodeling included. All of these are symptoms of a broken marriage already and I don't think your kids are blind to that. They see the chaos in the house and can also feel the dysfunction between their parents. You're in a very tough situation and maybe the only thing you can do is work hard to improve the home because it helps keep your mind off of how disturbing your husband is. When you've had enough you'll know what to do. I suggest you speak to a lawyer in private, confidentially, and say nothing to your husband. It's for information gathering only. You'll be more prepared if it ever comes to separation or divorce later, perhaps when the kids are older.

Edited October 4, 2021 by glows

[spiderowl]

On 9/30/2021 at 9:25 AM, betsyadams10 said:

Backstory- been married 25 years with 2 grown children.  Marriage has been ok with its ups and downs.  Husband had what I consider an emotional affair 3 yrs ago with female coworker of his.  He crossed a lot of boundaries he said did not exist such as private lunches, dinners, traveling for work only with her (same hotel, luxury dinner each night, texting until midnight).  The coworker left his company, and things as far as that goes went back to normal. He still denies anything inappropriate happened, and anytime I get triggered to that time period, he blames my "jealousy" and for me causing strife when nothing was going on.    Whatever- I know he was crossing boundaries, but we agreed to try to work things out (although each time he denies what he did, it causes resentment inside me).  

So he's been home working since covid and I operate a business from home as well.  He makes over 100k per year, and has $6k per month in rental income (he owns some rental homes with his brother).  I make 80K per year....so we are not dirt poor.  We bought our home 20 years ago.  It is in a nice subdivision with 1 acre lot.  Hubby really pushed for this house (even though it is a 30 yr old home) because of the HUGE yard (1 acre).   

In the beginning when the kids were young, hubby maintained the yard, fence, house better.  We could actually go outside and enjoy our yard.  We put in a huge basketball court as well.  Over the years, he has lost interest in our home and maintaining a yard.  He has a normal 9-5 desk job that makes good money.  He has no stress in his job, and can pretty much do the job in his sleep.  I on the other hand have to bust my behind to work at my home business.  Since hubby lost interest in the yard, it has grown up with tons of poison ivy and weeds.  The basketball court no longer exists (weeds and grass grew over it years ago).  Our picket fence is falling apart- but hubby will not replace it or maintain it.  It is discolored and pickets always coming off.  We have an outdoor dog (we initially tried to make her an indoor dog but she constantly wanted to be outside and was happier there).  We have a giant storage building that we gave to our dog to use exclusively as a doghouse which is heated/cooled.  The storage building looks like crap- it has molded inside and outside and I personally had to go out and do some maintenance on it as hubby couldn't make time to do it.  We cleared land for 2 areas for our outdoor trash cans and also our new hvac unit.  I wanted concrete poured on each so weeds and grass wouldn't grow on them (I knew he wouldn't maintain them if they did).  He got our contractor to do concrete for the trash can area, but NOT the hvac area.  I told hubby we should at minimum put pebbles/rock in there so weeds would be deterred.  He refused, and what do you know....tons of 1.5 ft tall weeds grew all over our hvac unit (gross).  I mentioned having our driveway powerwashed/bleached (he refuses).  

So then we just started working on some remodeling on the inside.  I had a huge wall of cabinets put in for double pantries and food storage (to replace an older out of place set of cabinets).  I sold the old ones for just $300 less than the new ones (so we didn't spend a lot of money).   I have personally painted the walls in the kitchen to save costs. 

But here is the current problem:  we had to remodel a spare bedroom as it had some cracks in the drywall and mold behind an old wallpaper border the previous homeowners had painted over.  Also- it had old popcorn ceiling we wanted removed and have ceilings painted.  We hired our 60 yr old contractor to come do the work.  He told us he could do it in about a week (patch cracks, repaint, new flooring, etc).  However, the contractor ended up working only 2-3 hrs per day and dragging out the project for 2 weeks.   The contractor was messy with the popcorn ceiling (let it all fall to the floor and made a huge dusty mess).  I told my husband we should just let him go and find a replacement (he was charging us weekly vs his usual hourly rate- and I told hubby he was therefore dragging out the project to make more money.  Hubby refused to call anyone else, so we had a shouting match until he did try to get another contractor we know- but alas he was working out of town and couldn't).  I was super frustrated. 

Hubby was freaking out about the dust in the house.  He refused to allow us to sleep in our bedroom that night or run the hvac unit upstairs because of the dust.  He slept on a air mattress downstairs and I on the sofa.  In our upstairs hallway is also a popcorn ceiling.  I have personally taken down popcorn ceilings in just hours and with just a tiny amount of dust (I use a trash bag to let it fall into instead of on the floor).  So one afternoon, I just got an idea that I would just take down the upstairs hall ceiling myself.  I started it and it took me about 2.5 hours to complete.  Yes, there was some dust where I couldn't reach out over our staircase, but not much, and I vaccumed it right away as I worked and cleaned with a rag.  Hubby came into the hall and screamed at me that he can't believe I was doing this because of the dust we already had in the bedroom.  I told him now's the time as we were replacing the carpet anyway.  He told me he was "appalled" at me for doing this.  He was floored.  I told him to calm down, I would clean it all up.  I personally cleaned EVERYTHING up while he lay on the bed and played games on his phone.  Now, all I have left to do is paint the ceiling. 

He asked me to promise him I wouldn't paint for several days until the dust settled, so I agreed.  I ran an air purifier in the hallway for the next two nights (there was no dust however).   Since then, he has acted so weird.  He mopes around not talking, looks like someone killed him, acts so disconnected.  I thought I was doing us a favor by assisting with these projects (I'm saving money, doing a cleaner job than the contractor).  I have slept on the sofa for almost a week so hubby could get a good nights sleep in the bed (he says I always wake him up when I turn over in bed).  I am not sleeping great on the sofa, yet he says he is the one suffering here.  He has had his bed, he has done no house work (I have done all the dishes, laundry, etc).  All he has had to do is his job.  I am also doing my job, and the house repairs. 

I feel very frustrated, and I lashed out tonight.  We went out to run some errands.  I needed to go to the grocery store, and we picked up some food to go.  He harrassed me about whether I really needed groceries.   He picked at my driving (telling me I missed my turn- when there were 3 ways to get out of the parking lot).  He has become an extremely unhappy person.  He's no fun to be around.  When we got home, he told me to make his plate of food, and I told him I was busy putting up groceries.  He got mad, and then I went off on him.  I told him to not flip this on me, and I called him a selfish narcissist.  He got really pissed off, and took his food and went to eat upstairs by himself. 

I felt bad, so I came up to tell him let's move on and sorry for the name.  He told me he would not be speaking to me the rest of the night.  He turned the tv up to level 20 volume to drown my talking out.  I told him I would unplug the tv if he didn't turn it down.  He told me he would go downstairs and lock himself in our tv room and not let me in.  I told him I would knock the door down (I probably would have at that point).  It was just an ugly mess. 

Remodeling and anything involving maintaining a house just really wrecks him.  I don't love it either, but it was HE who chose this house with the HUGE yard that he is not maintaining.  He has enough $ to hire people to fix this mess, but refuses.  By the way- he has been also making me pay for the supplies/paint/etc that we buy at the hardware store....so I guess I'm just responsible for it all while he just plays games, watches tv, and just chills.  How do you motivate a man like this?  I just keep thinking how does he really love me as he says he does when he has no interest in our home/yard.  I see neighbors all around us, and the husbands are always out doing yard work or at minimum hiring it out.  Why does my husband do this?????   HELP!!!!!!

 

I can see why you are finding this exasperating, OP.  Your husband started out with enthusiasm and did not think ahead with the work involved in maintaining a big house and land.  He doesn't want to do it, wants nothing to do with it, and resents you tackling the problem.  Anyone would find that frustrating.

It sounds like he has completely switched off from you, was probably doing this gradually before you realised the disconnect.  Has he been picking about things for some time now or is it very recent?

I fear he has become jaded and uninterested in his marriage.  I am sorry to say this because you are clearly still engaged with him.  Why this has happened is anyone's guess.  It could be that he is feeling unwell and unable to cope with the jobs he knows need doing.  He has tackled them in the least-effort way (get an old friend to do them and not bother to supervise) or ignore them altogether.  This is not fair on you.  It is also not fair that you should be sleeping on the sofa because of his sleeping problem.  Why are you letting him confine you to the sofa?

Is it possible that things have been going downhill in your marriage for a while and you have not wanted to face it?  Your husband being lazy and not engaging with any household problems is a sign of his lack of interest in the house and your happiness.  I think if you want this situation to improve you might need to go for marital counselling (or counselling alone if your husband will not join you).

I think your husband is disengaged and does not care at the moment.  This might be because he has become emotionally involved with someone else.  This is possible even if he is working from home.  There are plenty of messaging apps, email, chat sites that he could have got involved in.  It seems to me you either put up with your husband's behaviour, leave and make a better life for yourself without him, or give him a wake-up call about his marriage.  To do the latter, you need to have a talk with him and spell out the unacceptable behaviour and that you are thinking of leaving.

He should help you to resolve problems with the house and its maintenance and help to make these resolutions speedy and satisfactory.

He should treat you with respect and listen to you when you bring something to his attention that needs resolving

He should not kick you out of bed.

Is there any love in this relationship now?  Do you really want to be with your husband?  I think this is the time to consider if you two have reached the end of your relationship as a married couple.  Your husband's lack of respect is not acceptable.  Does he still love you?  Where does he want things to go now?

This is why I suggest marital counselling, otherwise there will just be more and more arguments and unhappiness if you both cannot communicate your needs to each other and accept each other's needs.

[Nothanks]

Seems like a lot of resentment in this marriage.  His EA and comments to your children are hurtful and abusive.    It won’t get better unless you both start getting honest with each other and communicate.  You can’t stuff your feelings down and then blow up.  If this was just about the house, I’d say if you want something done, you find and hire someone.  I don’t think it is just about the house though.  I think your gut is telling you he had an affair and he is keeping secrets from you. Would he agree to marriage counseling?