He left his wife for me but.

[Jodes1989]

Hi everyone. Little background story. I'll try and keep it short although don't know if that's possible 😬

In December 2015 i met this married man, we started sleeping together and that's all I thought it was... how mistaken was I . We both fell in love. Anyway after we had been together a year I found out he was messaging other women (he said he wasn't) I finished it and continued to live my life. He come crawling back 2 months later and I took him back 

After that the trust was broken, this caused so many issues and for me to be so insecure and controlling towards him. This was most probably when we both should have ended it but he continued to show me he wanted me and I did love him. 

During lockdown it was hard but we managed to see eachother. This made me think about pressuring him to leave so I told him he needed to leave his wife. This was October 2020. He said he would leave by March this year. I was happy. March came and he made excuses, I stuck with him but by June the relationship was awful, I totally hated him and was horrible as I resented him. So he finished with me and said he would only contact me if he ended things with his wife. 

I was heartbroken but decided to take this opportunity to move on. One random Tuesday morning the beginning of August he rung me. He said he couldn't live without me and that he would leave if he knew i still wanted to be with him. I said yes but u wouldn't wait more than 2 weeks this time. 

Anyway on the Friday he rung me to say he had left, I was ecstatic.... well now the reality is hitting me. I don't think we are suited at all. It's hard because I'm still a secret as he just said he was unhappy and not that he was with someone so we need to wait until the divorce is over to come out but now am realising after spending so much time that he's not tbe guy I want to be with  😢 it was different seeing eachother one a week to all the time  

What do I do? 

[Prudence V]

37 minutes ago, Jodes1989 said:

What do I do? 

Tell him it’s not working for you.

you don’t owe him anything. 

[salparadise]

Give him back to the wife and tell her you're sorry, but you thought he was a catch. Ask her if it would be okay to just borrow him from time to time.

[Jodes1989]

16 minutes ago, Prudence V said:

Tell him it’s not working for you.

you don’t owe him anything. 

I feel like I can't do that to him as he left for me. Feel I'm in a right mess. Maybe I'll just have to deal with it.  

[Jodes1989]

1 minute ago, salparadise said:

Give him back to the wife and tell her you're sorry, but you thought he was a catch. Ask her if it would be okay to just borrow him from time to time.

She doesn't know about me, he just said he was unhappy and that's why he was leaving.

[salparadise]

 

29 minutes ago, Jodes1989 said:

I feel like I can't do that to him as he left for me. Feel I'm in a right mess. Maybe I'll just have to deal with it.  

I'll give you +3 points for having a bit of conscience about it all. Yea, you definitely owe him an effort. Hint: lower the expectations. Nearly all of the relationship misery in this world is caused by unreasonable/unrealistic expectations. People are just who they are, you can't project disney stories onto them.

Edited October 3, 2021 by salparadise

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Jodes1989 said:

I feel like I can't do that to him as he left for me. Feel I'm in a right mess. Maybe I'll just have to deal with it.  

Deal with it meaning - stay in an unhappy relationship because you feel like you owe the man…

Don’t stay in a relationship out of obligation. It never works out well for people who stay in a relationship with someone they should not be in a relationship with out of some sense of misguided obligation. 

For goodness, sake, put your big girl pants on and do the right thing. First, tell the man to go back to his wife. Don’t let him break up his family and suffer the financial consequences of divorce for a woman who does not love him. Second, find yourself a good counsellor. You have some serious work to do on yourself because you are a right mess… There are a series of poor choices that have led you to this place in your life…

Edited October 3, 2021 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

I seriously question if he actually left his wife for you. 

My guess is that something else happened (maybe she discovered one of his other OW) and she told him it was over and to get out. So he came looking for you because he knows you're in love with him, and tried to spin it that he was leaving her for you. 

Don't feel obligated to be with him, especially considering you probably don't have the full story of why they're breaking up anyway. Tell him you have thought about it and it's not going to work. You would never to be able to trust him and still can't. He's not being honest with anyone about what's really going on with him and expects you to remain a secret. 

You can do way better than this clown.

[elaine567]

You owe him nothing.
For all you know he may be at this very minute begging his wife to take him back.
Even if he isn't, YOU don't really want him so you need to listen your heart, you have already wasted too much time on this guy, do not waste any more.

Edited October 3, 2021 by elaine567

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Jodes1989 said:

 we need to wait until the divorce is over to come out 

Sorry this is happening. It's sad you are wasting your life away on one cheating excuse after the next. He's not leaving anyone "for you", he's just dragging it out longer.

Most likely one of his other mistresses wised up and told him to shove it. 

That's when he called you with his latest pack of lies about "he's leaving, but..."

Free yourself from this headache and heartache. Even in the remote possibility that he divorces and gets with you, your grand prize is a womanizing liar.

Reflect on what you want out of your life. 

Delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting single, decent men.

At least you'll have a chance at happiness.

This is a lose-lose situation for you. If he doesn't leave his wife, you lose. If he does leave his wife you lose because all you get is a cheating lying manipulator.

 

Edited October 3, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Prudence V]

10 hours ago, Jodes1989 said:

I feel like I can't do that to him as he left for me. Feel I'm in a right mess. Maybe I'll just have to deal with it.  

OK, let’s walk this back.

you feel “he left for you”, so you owe him. 
did he feel he “owed you”, because you had sex with him?
 

If so, his leaving settled that debt, so now you’re even. No one owes anyone anything. 

If not, why do these debts only work one way? You owe him, but he owes you nothing? I’m not buying that. 
 

He left because he wanted to - or was kicked out. Either way, it doesn’t matter. You didn’t abduct him. If he was kicked out, that’s the consequences of his own action. If he chose to leave, it’s because he considered it his best option at the time, based on the information he had. He could decide tomorrow that it’s not working out, and move back. Or do you feel he wouldn’t be able to, because he’s also trapped by a debt of obligation to you? I’m guessing he’s not someone too bound by obligation. If he was, he wouldn’t have engaged in infidelity. 
 

Why do you choose to be bound by obligation to someone who doesn’t share that same sense of duty? Do you not feel that a relationship of equals would be more attractive?

would you not rather be with someone who chooses to be with you out of choice, not obligation? And would you not rather be with someone you want to be with, not someone you landed up with through bad choices or incomplete information?

[Jodes1989]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I seriously question if he actually left his wife for you. 

My guess is that something else happened (maybe she discovered one of his other OW) and she told him it was over and to get out. So he came looking for you because he knows you're in love with him, and tried to spin it that he was leaving her for you. 

Don't feel obligated to be with him, especially considering you probably don't have the full story of why they're breaking up anyway. Tell him you have thought about it and it's not going to work. You would never to be able to trust him and still can't. He's not being honest with anyone about what's really going on with him and expects you to remain a secret. 

You can do way better than this clown.

He did leave her, I've read messages off her. Obviously as I said she doesn't know about me just thought he was unhappy.

 

As for keeping me a secret I can understand until the divorce is over as she will obviously be funny with him if he gets with someone too soon and she might even guess we were seeing eachother 

[Blind-Sided]

Why would you even consider this guy.  He obviously has no issues lying and cheating.  Why do you think he will change if he leaves his wife, and marries you? All that would happen is... in a year from now... you will find out he has a couple other women he is cheating on you with. 

Block him, and move on with your life... and date people who are actually available to be in a relationship with. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Jodes1989 said:

I'm hoping when the divorce is over we can just be a normal couple and hopefully be happy 

Do you have any idea what the statistics are that a relationship that started as affair will turn into a successful, healthy relationship? The statistics indicate that this is unlikely to happen.

Edited October 3, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

You are sitting at a precipice OP, making a decision that you hope will bring you a happy future with this man. But, what would indicate that to be even remotely likely? You are choosing to be with a man who you know to be dishonest, unfaithful, and untrustworthy - he has demonstrated this both toward his wife, and to you. By staying with this man, you are choosing to disregard your intuition that is telling you - abort, abort, abort. Abort because you don’t know this man in the context of a legitimate relationship and what you do know about this man in the context of your affair is seriously concerning. This is a disaster in the making… that is the best way to describe it.

Edited October 3, 2021 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Jodes1989 said:

As for keeping me a secret I can understand until the divorce is over .

If he were indeed separated, you wouldn't have to hide in the shadows like his dirty little secret.

It's unclear why you are accepting that.

[stillafool]

8 hours ago, Jodes1989 said:

As for keeping me a secret I can understand until the divorce is over as she will obviously be funny with him if he gets with someone too soon and she might even guess we were seeing eachother 

So what?  Lot's of people separate and date someone before the divorce.  Most people do as a matter of fact.  Look, you wanted him and now you have him so roll with it or be careful what you ask for.  If you no longer want this guy don't encourage him to return to his wife as I'm sure she deserves more than some cheater.  Let her be free to find a good man.

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, Jodes1989 said:

He did leave her, I've read messages off her. Obviously as I said she doesn't know about me just thought he was unhappy.

As for keeping me a secret I can understand until the divorce is over as she will obviously be funny with him if he gets with someone too soon and she might even guess we were seeing eachother 

I didn't dispute that he left her. But I don't think he left for you specifically. She doesn't even know you exist, so it is not accurate for him to say it was for you.

Bottom line? When you are in a "relationship" that has to be kept a secret, you don't have much of a foundation to build on. He isn't man enough to be honest about his life, and expects you to play along with it. It is concerning that you accept these conditions, but it suggests your standards for yourself are way too low. 

 

[colingrant]

He's shown you who he is by cheating on his wife with you and then cheating on you with someone else. The question really isn't what should you do. The question is, is this the person you want to exclusively be with after what he's shown you. If yes, then ask yourself why? 

[Nothanks]

If you continue the relationship, you will just be taking the place of his wife. You will get to enjoy all the gaslighting and second guessing of what he is doing and who with.  You owe him nothing. He owns his decision to end his marriage, not you.  

[torn_heart]

6 hours ago, stillafool said:

So what?  Lot's of people separate and date someone before the divorce.  Most people do as a matter of fact.  Look, you wanted him and now you have him so roll with it or be careful what you ask for.  If you no longer want this guy don't encourage him to return to his wife as I'm sure she deserves more than some cheater.  Let her be free to find a good man.

She should just tell him and let him decide what to do. He made the choice because she is who he wants to be with, if she is no longer interested he deserves to know and make decisons accordingly.

[Snakesalive]

On 10/2/2021 at 11:29 PM, Jodes1989 said:

so we need to wait until the divorce is over to come out

So I’m thinking this is either a sure sign he’s conflict avoidant and doesn’t  want people to think badly of him by admitting he’s been having an affair or he’s hedging his bets -keeping a possible reconciliation with his wife or someone else on the cards in case the two of you don’t work  out  -either way this is not  good for you is it ? Cut your losses , learn the lessons tell him its over , commit to making better choices go NC and move on . 
 

[stillafool]

10 hours ago, torn_heart said:

She should just tell him and let him decide what to do. He made the choice because she is who he wants to be with, if she is no longer interested he deserves to know and make decisons accordingly.

Yes he made the choice to be with OW and if OW is no longer interested he deserves to know so he can still divorce and go it alone.  If he didn't want his wife before OW and wanted to divorce her for OW he shouldn't be allowed to return to his wife.   His wife deserves better than him.  So don't encourage him to go back to his wife.

Edited October 4, 2021 by stillafool

[Nothanks]

14 hours ago, torn_heart said:

if she is no longer interested he deserves to know and make decisons accordingly

 

I would argue he owed his wife the same consideration before staring an extra marital relationship with the OP.    If we want to talk about what he deserves, that is a different topic.  This is about how the OP should handle the situation.  Extricating yourself quickly and cleanly (I.e. no contact) is the best way.

[Bonifidelifelover]

On 10/2/2021 at 3:29 PM, Jodes1989 said:

Hi everyone. Little background story. I'll try and keep it short although don't know if that's possible 😬

In December 2015 i met this married man, we started sleeping together and that's all I thought it was... how mistaken was I . We both fell in love. Anyway after we had been together a year I found out he was messaging other women (he said he wasn't) I finished it and continued to live my life. He come crawling back 2 months later and I took him back 

After that the trust was broken, this caused so many issues and for me to be so insecure and controlling towards him. This was most probably when we both should have ended it but he continued to show me he wanted me and I did love him. 

During lockdown it was hard but we managed to see eachother. This made me think about pressuring him to leave so I told him he needed to leave his wife. This was October 2020. He said he would leave by March this year. I was happy. March came and he made excuses, I stuck with him but by June the relationship was awful, I totally hated him and was horrible as I resented him. So he finished with me and said he would only contact me if he ended things with his wife. 

I was heartbroken but decided to take this opportunity to move on. One random Tuesday morning the beginning of August he rung me. He said he couldn't live without me and that he would leave if he knew i still wanted to be with him. I said yes but u wouldn't wait more than 2 weeks this time. 

Anyway on the Friday he rung me to say he had left, I was ecstatic.... well now the reality is hitting me. I don't think we are suited at all. It's hard because I'm still a secret as he just said he was unhappy and not that he was with someone so we need to wait until the divorce is over to come out but now am realising after spending so much time that he's not tbe guy I want to be with  😢 it was different seeing eachother one a week to all the time  

What do I do? 

First off funny How u say we were “together a year” because he’s married how can u say ur together & counting the time when a man is married? Anyways, what I see here is the situation is exiting & challenging until u actually win the prize. You’ve won “the prize” & now the thrill of the chase is gone. There is no challenge. So now u feel differently & it goes to show you really I my love the thrill, not him. Say bye to him & move on

Edited October 4, 2021 by Bonifidelifelover