Don't really want a relationship but crave certain aspects of it.

[ZA Dater]

50 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

He has had one and a half relationships and you have had none.
Hardly speaking from experience are you?
Of course when you are lonely old bachelors you will live to regret opting out of relationships when you were young and in your prime...

My general question remains, he has had unpleasant experiences, he does not enjoy what he has experienced so you simply advocate carrying on with more of the same even when it makes him unhappy versus opting out and actually just doing life?

Why  would someone regret opting out of something that they did not enjoy to begin with is quite beyond me. 

[Otter2569]

On 10/3/2021 at 6:36 PM, Iwaskangz said:

. I like cuddling with someone and having the feeling that there's someone thinking about you when you're away from them. That part of relationship is a good feeling. The bad aspects I don't like are the arguing over nothing, the increasing demands and basically the lack of freedom I have to do what I want whenever I want. It's kind of like I'm not happy being single or in a relationship because neither is totally satisfactory to me. On the one hand you have peace and loneliness and on the other you have Drama with affection and companionship. I don't really know what's better. I think I would rather cultivate being lonely than being with someone who makes my life difficult but I'm not really happy in either situation. Before you guys start saying I just need to find the right person who doesn't introduce drama into my life I'm very skeptical that's a thing that exists. I think there's a honeymoon stage to relationships and I think after that ends the realities of male and female incompatibility just start to naturally happen. Some men can deal with it and some men can't. 

I totally get it.  I just ended a 5 year relationship (my longest ever other than being married once).  I'm in my 50s and I am burned out on dating and trying to find someone.  For the last 16 months I have basically been alone: working from home and in a emotionally dry and what I would call a part time relationship.  It's given me a lot to think about.  I am fine by myself and although I have no problem meeting people, relationships are not worth the hassle to me.  

[dramafreezone]

9 hours ago, elaine567 said:

He has had one and a half relationships and you have had none.
Hardly speaking from experience are you?
Of course when you are lonely old bachelors you will live to regret opting out of relationships when you were young and in your prime...

What do you have against bachelors? 

Both of my brothers have been in a lot of relationships, and each has had a marriage, now both divorced, they think I'm a genius because I avoided marriage.

A relationship isn't this magic thing that conveys happiness to those who engage in one.  It has to be the right relationship.  I think if you can't find a good relationship, people shouldn't be in one at all.  

A bad relationship is worse than lonlieness IMO.  I had a high school acquaitance that committed suicide years ago because the lovely woman that divorced him wouldn't let him see his kids.   I think a lot of people ruin their lives because society tells them that they need to "settle down" so they make bad choices to make something fit when it doesn't.

[Iwaskangz]

On 10/5/2021 at 5:17 PM, elaine567 said:

Yes it can be, but he actually needs to get into a relationship first... and sort out his thinking as regards "natural" male/female incompatibility...

This thinking isn't problematic. It's realistic. It's how reality works. You could even argue that the reason a lot of relationships don't work out is because men and women go into them thinking that men and women are the same and any when they rub each other the wrong this is somehow uncommon or strange. Men and women do have things in common but when it comes to mating and dating they really couldn't be more different. They do not select their partners based on the same criteria and they don't want the same things out of a relationship. One difference I can point out is women will often make the comment. "You never show me that you love me." In other words a man is expected to demonstrate that he loves a woman by doing things for her. Men don't have this expectation. Love for a man is basically just a feeling of emotional attachment that is maintained through sex and a the woman being nice to him. Tell me that isn't the case. 

[elaine567]

1 minute ago, Iwaskangz said:

This thinking isn't problematic. It's realistic. It's how reality works. You could even argue that the reason a lot of relationships don't work out is because men and women go into them thinking that men and women are the same and any when they rub each other the wrong this is somehow uncommon or strange. Men and women do have things in common but when it comes to mating and dating they really couldn't be more different. They do not select their partners based on the same criteria and they don't want the same things out of a relationship. One difference I can point out is women will often make the comment. "You never show me that you love me." In other words a man is expected to demonstrate that he loves a woman by doing things for her. Men don't have this expectation. Love for a man is basically just a feeling of emotional attachment that is maintained through sex and a the woman being nice to him. Tell me that isn't the case. 

No-one said women and men are  the same, but incompatibility is a different thing.
Men and women can gel together and retain their intrinsic differences. 
Understanding those differences is the key to a peaceful existence.
 

[Iwaskangz]

17 hours ago, elaine567 said:

He has had one and a half relationships and you have had none.
Hardly speaking from experience are you?
Of course when you are lonely old bachelors you will live to regret opting out of relationships when you were young and in your prime...

I think it depends how you look at it. I have fond memories of both relationships in the beginning or as you say a relationship and a half. Towards the end I just felt like I was being used. Especially the fling I had because she cheated on me and it ended abruptly and a little traumatically. She did call me her boyfriend so we were taking it seriously. I view relationships like drugs. They're incredibly satisfying and fun when you're new to them but usually they are a bad investment of your time and make you feel worse after they're over. I mean that is kind of what is happening to your body. You get a hormonal spike at first and everything's great and then it degrades over time into either mundane or awful. It's feelings that are being chased at the end of the day. Objectively speaking there are more productive uses of a man's time than women. I think being happy is important but it's not everything. Imagine being in a 5 year relationship trying to make a  woman happy and spending all your free time doing that just for her to decide she can do better than you? A man could learn the basics of a new language in that time or a how to code. Of course many women will say women are the best thing a man can do with his time because they are women. 

[Iwaskangz]

9 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

No-one said women and men are  the same, but incompatibility is a different thing.
Men and women can gel together and retain their intrinsic differences. 
Understanding those differences is the key to a peaceful existence.
 

Theoretically yeah. I personally think those differences will always cause some problems but I think if the differences can be acknowledged that is a better place to start. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Iwaskangz said:

 Tell me that isn't the case. 

Well sexual desire is easy. However it takes a fully rounded person to have a reasonably happy relationship.

If you can't form relationships with women, it may be worthwhile to see a physician for an evaluation and get a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

It's also best to steer clear of misogynistic pseudoscience . It may seem like harmless confirmation bias, but it will just deepen your isolation and inability to relate to people.

 

[basil67]

55 minutes ago, Iwaskangz said:

Theoretically yeah. I personally think those differences will always cause some problems but I think if the differences can be acknowledged that is a better place to start. 

There are numerous books acknowledging the difference between man and women.  Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus being one of the first.    Have you ever read one of them?

Your posts read more like a rants than a question.  What is it you're actually looking to find from posting here?

Edited October 9, 2021 by basil67

[Iwaskangz]

41 minutes ago, basil67 said:

There are numerous books acknowledging the difference between man and women.  Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus being one of the first.    Have you ever read one of them?

Your posts read more like a rants than a question.  What is it you're actually looking to find from posting here?

I think I have my answer already. I'm just debating things out at this point for fun. I know there are numerous books acknowledging the differences between men and women and it's pretty clear from my posts I'm of that persuasion of thinking. 

[Iwaskangz]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Well sexual desire is easy. However it takes a fully rounded person to have a reasonably happy relationship.

If you can't form relationships with women, it may be worthwhile to see a physician for an evaluation and get a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

It's also best to steer clear of misogynistic pseudoscience . It may seem like harmless confirmation bias, but it will just deepen your isolation and inability to relate to people.

 

What have I said that's pseudoscience? If you can't acknowledge differences between men and women that extend beyond physical characteristics then it's you who has some waking up to do not me. I think some therapists are good. I think others don't know what they're talking about. Depends what their approach is. There's a lot of pseudoscience in Psychotherapy if we want to talk about pseudoscience. Freud is still believed by some psychotherapists even though he was clearly a fraud.  

Edited October 9, 2021 by Iwaskangz