Separation vs divorce

[Wenac]

I am 66 years old, married for 30 years. I live in an abusive relationship - verbal, emotional. Prior physical until I had him arrested but not charged. Tired of this conflict, but scared to death of walking out. He’s done a good job of berating me. I work PT and am in disability which is now full retirement SS. I believe he is a covert Narcissist. We tried couples counseling but turned away with therapist advising individual therapy which we are doing, but I suspect I’m doing more work than he is. I am very bright and insightful . He seriously lacks EQ. I am 3,000 mi away from family and feel abandoned after I called them with last crisis involving him. I think they are sick of hearing it. He then told me my sister said it is all about me. Now I’ve been thrown under bus by my own family. I want to just walk up with whatever fits in SUV including my precious dogs and essentially start over anywhere. Maybe find a PT job. I dislike living here in central CA needing green, most definitely rain!! He plans on working until age 70 but I cannot another summer here and his control. Has anyone just walked out thinking that going through a divorce and splitting assets isn’t even worth it. He told me he will drag it out and has more money. He also said he would retire now so I would never get alimony. I am so beaten down I really don’t care anymore. My lifestyle will be drastically altered, but I am cracking. 

[basil67]

Hugs to you Wenac.  I'd love to talk further with you, but I feel there's so much behind this story still to come out, so sorry to respond with questions rather than productive advice. 

I agree that you need to cut your losses and get out, but do speak to an attorney for advice on the divorce.  

Given what you say about him, is it possible that your sister didn't say anything about you?  I wonder if he was lying as part of separating you from your family.  Regarding the last crisis you called your family about, what happened to make you feel so abandoned?   

How's your counselling going?  What insights have you been gaining?

 

[Wiseman2]

Speak to an attorney to get accurate advice about your options in divorce and in your specific situation.

Do not discuss it with your abusive husband. It invites more abuse.

Simply get your ducks in a row, talk to trusted friends and family and do not tell him you are leaving.

[vla1120]

Can you make arrangements to move back near family? Perhaps one of them would take you in until you can get on your feet with a job, etc.? Or, maybe you can work a job through this winter and save the money, preparing to (like you said) pack your van with your necessities and your dogs and drive back home. I walked out with only my clothing. It was hard to start over, but I have basically started over twice in my life. There is nothing more liberating than dropping the dead weight of someone who is critical and abusive. Keep talking to a therapist and make these plans in secret. He does not need to know what you are planning, because that will only invite more criticism and verbal abuse.

[viatori patuit]

A lawyer is the only person that can answer your questions.

Unfortunately, the facts of the case are really important.  Even when you speak to a lawyer the response will often be "it depends".   That being said, the lawyer can give you very good advice how CA handles divorce and the philosophies they use.

[Daisydooks]

On 10/3/2021 at 7:35 PM, basil67 said:

wonder

77u77⁷

[glows]

Counselling won't work with an abusive partner. Please seek legal advice from a lawyer. You'll have a much better idea then of how to go about extricating yourself from this abusive relationship.