Devastated - 2.5 year relationship, 1.5 living together, looking for support.

[justinje]

I apologize for how long this is but please I really need some support right now and some guidance. These forums have helped me in the past so I'm coming back again for the same.

I've been in a relationship with my gf for 2.5 years, 1.5 years of which we've lived together. The first year was long distance as we met when we were living in different states. I moved south for a job and she moved in with me after 8 months. Our relationship hasn't been perfect, we went from being LDR to her moving down in January of 2020, to then being quarantined together in our apartment a month later due to COVID, so there were bumps. She has extreme anxiety, which took me a while to understand, she also got very jealous of me spending time with friends and family. We had a rough patch not doubt, from about 8 months in to 8 months after she moved in, or about a year. We had a lot of fights, some were her fault, some were mine. She always told me I didn't validate her and that I talked over her during arguments. That she didn't feel heard or seen or safe emotionally. While I told her how her anxiety caused her to attack me over irrational things and cause big blow ups for small things.

But, roughly last August, after a big fight we sat down and decided to really try to change, went to a couples therapist, and made a big effort. Things got tremendously better! I'd say we got about 90% of the way towards fixing what we needed to. We weren't fighting anymore and when we did it wasn't as bad. She started to identify and control her anxiety more, while I controlled my anger. Things were moving towards us getting engaged!

There were just two issues left, one on my side, one on hers, on mine it was intimacy. Slowly over the first 1.5 years of our relationship the intimacy between us declined a good bit. Some of that is normal but this declined to the point of we'd go 4 weeks before we had sex. And sometimes she was clearly just going through the motions. I brought it up to her so many times, we talked about it so many times, I offered to do anything she liked to spice things up, to try to get the spark back. But she put in no effort for a long time, then in the last 4 months I'd say she started putting in some effort, at least a little bit, but it still wasn't to where I thought a healthy relationship should be. It frustrated me that she wouldn't put in any effort.....and really hurt. On her side the issue was my continued invalidation towards her, I had stopped getting really mad and talking over her, but she still didn't feel validated. I didn't understand what she meant by that and part of me brushed it off as her just trying to find something that I was wrong in to hang our problems on.

Fast forward to now. Three weeks ago we had a big blow up, I got really upset because it had been 4 weeks since we were intimate, she started a little tiff over the dishes which I then took and ran with because of how hurt I was on the inside. I went overboard in my anger, there's no doubt. I talked over her, dragged it out, all the stuff I used to do. We were both gone over the weekend with friends and didn't talk for two days. When we came back we practically decided to end it but then she came out to me on the couch and we started talking. We decided we didn't want to end it and apologized about everything. After that over the next two weeks things were back to normal! No fighting, we went out, and had a great time then came back and had great sex. Then last Saturday, after she had been acting distant for two days, I asked her what was wrong. So much has happened since then and my mind is spinning so much I can't remember exactly what she said, but in summary she said she thought maybe she should move out.

I was devastated. I tried to argue against it. We talked for three hours, no anger, none of that, just crying. She said she felt like we were more friends, that when I was away she didn't miss me. I told her if this was happening for real I couldn't be around her. She said she wasn't sure, so I left and stayed with a friend one night, then went up to my parents house for a week. During that time we didn't speak or text at all, aside from when I was flying out and I panicked and texted her from the airport. When I got back she told me she had signed a lease that day and that she was moving out. She said she wasn't sure about her decision, she may be making a mistake. I was devastated again. It's been 48 hours since then. I've been a wreck. I've been spending time with friends and as little in the apt as much as I can. 

But Sunday morning we had another talk. We were really open with each other, no reason to hold back. She told me things she never had which helped me understand, I told her things I never had that she said she wished I had shared earlier. We had this great conversation, we were crying, she asked me for a hug, we held each other and wept. I asked her if this was really what she wanted and she said she didn't know, that she could be making a big mistake. After that I left the rest of the day, got back after she was asleep, slept on the couch.

I don't know what to do. We worked through all those issues before and I feel like after the conversation we just had we can work through these too. They're fixable, they're no big deal. I understand what she means now by validation and I swear I would never yell over her again during fights. I also understand the lack of intimacy because she said I was more closed off towards her and she wanted vulnerability and me to express my feelings. I want this to work, I don't want to lose her, I feel like I'm in a cloud. Taking anxiety meds just to keep it together. 

I want a second chance, I want us to fight for each like we did before. We can fix this. Then pain is unbearable. She hasn't moved out yet, said she plans to next week. I want to fight for her but she seems to want to move forward with this. 

Please help!!

[spiritedaway2003]

I know it’s not what you want to hear, but there is nothing else to do but to accept and respect her decision. The more you try to change her decision, the more you will smother her and push her away.  The time to fight for a relationship was during the relationship, not when one is ending it.  It sounds like you both tried by going to counseling session but you are both not compatible enough to meet each other’s needs.  
 

[Sun Seeker]

You are clearly not compatible, breaking up seems to be the best decision.

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, justinje said:

I want a second chance, I want us to fight for each like we did before. We can fix this.

I am so sorry you are hurt but this is NOT fixable.  It never was.  You started off too fast then got stuck because of Covid.  She had way too much work to do on herself before she would ever be in a healthy place to have a relationship.  That was never done.  The intimacy issues would get worse not better as life went along.   When you need a couples therapist to maintain a dating relationship you are wasting your time & money.  

Ride it out.  Grieve but stop trying to force this.  It was bad from the get go.  

[elaine567]

48 minutes ago, justinje said:

went to a couples therapist,

If you need a couples therapist  so early on in your relationship it is a very bad sign.
Better to move on and write it off as a bad job

Reduced intimacy is often a sure sign all is not well in your relationship.
She lost the connection with you. she didn't want to have sex with you.
Getting angry about it, or trying to force the issue, is often guaranteed to make things worse or to ruin the relationship all together....

Here, it is all over bar the shouting.
Grieve, heal and move on.

[justinje]

I appreciate all those responses, and in time your probably right to move on. But how do I grieve? The pain is so intense, I can't get my mind off it, I can't work, I can't enjoy life, I can't hangout with friends. 

How do I grieve, how do I cope until time has started to do it's thing?

[d0nnivain]

Grief is tough.  You have to let it out.  Cry if you must.  Take it one day at a time, one hour at a time if you have to.  

You have to work but it's OK to take a few days off if you need them but do not lose your job over this.  Supportive friends & family will understand some of your pain.  They will let you be upset but should also support your by their presence in your life. 

When you feel a bit stronger in a week or two start collecting all the reminders & putting them away so they are not staring you in the face.  

In all candor you aren't going to enjoy life in the next few weeks / months.  That is OK.  You are in pain.  Just put one foot in front of the other.  Pay your bills.  Go to work.  Don't make big decisions.  Function.  The rest will come in time as the acute pain subsides.  

[Els]

I dunno. On the one hand, yes, this is very early to be experiencing so many issues... on the other hand you two literally went from LDR to her leaving her home and state, moving in with you, AND being quarantined together for months on end due to Covid, all in the span of 8 months. This is something that most people, including most of the posters here, will never have experienced in their entire lives. It's a tremendous shift and I don't know if any couple could have emerged from it unscathed, mental issues notwithstanding. And clearly the emotional/mental issues spiraled into affecting intimacy and hurting both of you in the process.

I wouldn't say you should necessarily try to get back together. Maybe it really is better for you to go your separate ways, sometimes when a relationship has spiraled to this extent it's truly impossible to save it. There are too many nuances that are missing from your post, so it is difficult for me to give you my opinion on that. Did she quit her job and leave friends and family behind to move to you? Was she able to find a job when she arrived, prior to Covid? Whose decision was it that she should be the one moving and not you? Why didn't you take steps to do individual therapy to handle your anger better, prior to all this? What was the size of your apartment, did you two have at least separate rooms to work from home in?

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, justinje said:

I went overboard in my anger, there's no doubt. During that time we didn't speak or text at all, aside from when I was flying out and I panicked and texted her from the airport. When I got back she told me she had signed a lease that day and that she was moving out.

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately you sort of crash landed into each other's lives only to be met with a lot of incompatibility.

 There's nothing to "fight for" here. She clearly talked to her people about your anger problem and they advised her to move out.

 Let it go. Work on managing reactions to stress, annoyance anger etc. 

[justinje]

1 hour ago, Elswyth said:

I dunno. On the one hand, yes, this is very early to be experiencing so many issues... on the other hand you two literally went from LDR to her leaving her home and state, moving in with you, AND being quarantined together for months on end due to Covid, all in the span of 8 months. This is something that most people, including most of the posters here, will never have experienced in their entire lives. It's a tremendous shift and I don't know if any couple could have emerged from it unscathed, mental issues notwithstanding. And clearly the emotional/mental issues spiraled into affecting intimacy and hurting both of you in the process.

I wouldn't say you should necessarily try to get back together. Maybe it really is better for you to go your separate ways, sometimes when a relationship has spiraled to this extent it's truly impossible to save it. There are too many nuances that are missing from your post, so it is difficult for me to give you my opinion on that. Did she quit her job and leave friends and family behind to move to you? Was she able to find a job when she arrived, prior to Covid? Whose decision was it that she should be the one moving and not you? Why didn't you take steps to do individual therapy to handle your anger better, prior to all this? What was the size of your apartment, did you two have at least separate rooms to work from home in?

I guess part of my question is how can I save it?? She's the one moving on and moving out.....I feel powerless to do anything.

But to answer some of your questions (and happy to answer whatever ones you have):

• She didn't quit her job to come down, they let her work fully remote, but she hated her job so the plan was to find a job here once she moved - which she did during COVID
• She didn't have any friends where she was living so No there, but her family was back there so she had to leave them, though she's not super close with her family
• I already had to move for a job when we met so I didn't have a choice, I was moving to start a new job. Plus she didn't like where she was living, and loved where I ended up moving, she even told me when we were deciding that that even if I wasn't there she'd want to move there
• We both did individual therapy - though the focus of my individual therapy was not admittidly the anger or validation. I talked through our issues and all, but I should have highlighted that more since it was her primary concern. I've already told my therapist that's an area I want to focus on once I'm through this to address those issues
• Size of the apartment was 1100 square feet, two bedroom with one being used as an office. We'd switch one person in the living room and one in the office every other day

The conversation she told me she signed a lease and is moving out was last Saturday....so I'm three days in, and I'm beside myself.

[justinje]

Everyone is saying to move on and its not worth fighting for. If it was that easy I would, but I've literally built my life down here around her. I'm also 33, dating doesn't excite me anymore. We were looking at houses, talked about getting a dog, at one point a month ago I was considering proposing. 

People say move on.......but even though I'm sitting here knowing I"m powerless I can't help but feel unbelievable pain. And regret. It wasn't just my anger that pushed us apart, but apparently that would have helped things if I had addressed that. I wasn't angry all the time, just when we fought she said I'd talk over her and she wouldn't feel heard.

2.5 years......there was compatibility there at some level. We wanted the same things, same thoughts on family, life, etc. Day to day life was a great, we had a great routine going and liked exploring our new state together. There was a lot of good. 

If I could flick off a switch and remove the pain I would.

[gogators_15]

Hi - I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this. First one being, it sounds like your issues were ongoing for quite some time (8 months in to 8 months after she moved in? = a little over a year of problems?). Based off your reading, it sounds like you genuinely love her but if she has very bad anxiety, the constant fighting can be a big trigger for someone. 

Personally, if she seemed to be "going through the motions" and getting mad at you for little things such as the dishes, there was definitely a larger issue. Did you ever think about maybe she felt misundersood or underappreciated? Sometimes those feelings can cause an obvious divide between a couple especially when it comes to intimacy. I don't know either of you personally, but sometimes the feeling of being underappreciated can also come from within. Did she have self esteem issues where she would look to you to boost her ego, only to end up in a disagreement? To me, it sounds like neither of you were in the wrong - it just wasn't a good match.

It sounds like her mind has been made up and she's decided to move on with her life without you, and there's nothing more you can do than to respect that. Give her the space and time she needs to be alone. She might come back, she might not. By the time she comes back, you probably won't be interested anymore. But in the meantime, do not put your life on hold for someone who ended things with you. Take some time to yourself to grieve (nothing more than a couple weeks), and after that, focus on yourself whether it be working out, taking workout classes, joining a rec sports league, seeing your friends and family more often. You will find that although you still miss her, the pain will get less and less with each day. 

I recently went through a breakup and understand that the pain can feel unbearable at times. Every day for almost 2 months, I'd wake up feeling anxious, lonely, and hopeful that I'd hear from him. As the days went on, I found myself picking up new hobbies, learning to be comfortable with being alone, and no longer longing for a text message. This break up sounds recent - so give yourself some time to process these emotions, but as time goes on you'll see the red flags, you'll see the deeper issues that were present in this relationship, and you'll no longer find yourself looking at her through rose-colored glasses. 

 

[vwisme]

First and foremost I am so sorry that you're going through this. 

No matter the reason(s), breaking up/separating/divorcing is a hard thing to go through. You built a life and identity with someone. How you are feeling is not just normal, not just acceptable, but also a good thing. It means that this person meant something to you. 

Grieving is different for anyone. For me, it meant that I'd step away from my computer (since I work remotely) and ball my eyes out. Grieving, healing, and moving on will be something that is happening to you until you decide/ready to actively participate again. You won't know when but it'll come. 

We can tell you a million things but here's the best advice I've ever received when it comes to breakups. 

Use this as fuel to become the best version of yourself and build a life you love - regardless of if an ex chooses to be a part of it. 

It's simple. Not easy. But 200% worth it. 

 

 

 

[glows]

4 hours ago, justinje said:

I appreciate all those responses, and in time your probably right to move on. But how do I grieve? The pain is so intense, I can't get my mind off it, I can't work, I can't enjoy life, I can't hangout with friends. 

How do I grieve, how do I cope until time has started to do it's thing?

You don't have to want to do these things. Just do it especially regarding your work or see your doctor for advice. You're not expected to enjoy life after a break up or hang out with friends right away if you're not in the mood. Be more realistic about this but also keep telling yourself that she has opted out. You do not exactly have a decision except to pick yourself up and move on. There is nothing to fight over or fight for anymore and that may be the immense void you're feeling and struggling with. Plenty of people turn to less savoury means trying to make up for that void, practice some self-control and be good to yourself. Take care of your health, emotionally and physically. Again, see a doctor if you need medical attention, focus on a healthy diet (don't let yourself dwindle and waste away). 

Everything else slowly will make more sense or fall into place. With everything always choose betterment for yourself - your health, your focus or interests, your relationships. When one door closes, immediately assess the situation and don't keep pushing on the same door. Look for other doors and encourage yourself to grow. 

[d0nnivain]

You can't flick an off switch.  Oh but if only it was that easy. 

Part of why you built your life around her in the new place was Covid lock downs.  You didn't have the ability to get out & make new friends.  The world is starting to open up again so when you are feeling a bit stronger in a few weeks make some tentative plans.  Meanwhile strategize about ways you can make new friends:  alumni associations, your new neighbors, joining something, volunteering, work networking, joining a meet up, going speed dating.  

FWIW I didn't meet my husband until I was 39.  Dating in your 30s is possible & can me more fun because you don't waste time on people that are clearly unworkable.  

[Els]

1 hour ago, justinje said:

I guess part of my question is how can I save it?? She's the one moving on and moving out.....I feel powerless to do anything.

But to answer some of your questions (and happy to answer whatever ones you have):

• She didn't quit her job to come down, they let her work fully remote, but she hated her job so the plan was to find a job here once she moved - which she did during COVID
• She didn't have any friends where she was living so No there, but her family was back there so she had to leave them, though she's not super close with her family
• I already had to move for a job when we met so I didn't have a choice, I was moving to start a new job. Plus she didn't like where she was living, and loved where I ended up moving, she even told me when we were deciding that that even if I wasn't there she'd want to move there
• We both did individual therapy - though the focus of my individual therapy was not admittidly the anger or validation. I talked through our issues and all, but I should have highlighted that more since it was her primary concern. I've already told my therapist that's an area I want to focus on once I'm through this to address those issues
• Size of the apartment was 1100 square feet, two bedroom with one being used as an office. We'd switch one person in the living room and one in the office every other day

The conversation she told me she signed a lease and is moving out was last Saturday....so I'm three days in, and I'm beside myself.

Thanks for the in depth answers.

I'm awfully sorry, but I don't think there's anything that you can specifically do at this stage that is certain (or even likely) to "save" it. However, there are some things that you can do that I think will benefit you regardless:

- Get professional help for your anger issues, not "after you're through this" but right away. Commit to a weekly schedule with a therapist who will be there specifically to help you work on this.

- Apologise to her, tell her that you regret having caused her all this pain, and that you will be working on your anger issues immediately. Wish her well. Do NOT ask her to come back, do not attempt to contact her again

If she ever intends to give it a second chance, these actions will, IMO, give her the space she needs to make that decision. If she does not, you will have some measure of closure, and you will be in better stead for future relationships.

I know it sounds impossible now, but believe me, there will be future relationships. You just need to hang on, and to not repeat your mistake.

I do wish you all the best.

Edited October 4, 2021 by Elswyth