I'm stuck between waiting to wait for my ex or moving on completely?

[gogators_15]

Hi everyone this is my first time posting here - I was dumped back in mid July by my boyfriend of 2 years. I'm going to try to make this as short as possible but really hoping for some advice here :). Basically, we met one night and it took us 7+ months to become exclusive. He was always so wishy washy and non-committal towards everything in his life. I picked up on his "grass is greener" mindset within weeks of meeting him (he was always saying he wanted a new job, he then got a new job and immediately wanted a new one, he always was saying how he needed better & more friends, a better apartment, better clothes etc.) and it always made me nervous, but we had fun together, we understood each other, we were very similar so I thought maybe it could work. He is 31 years old, but liked to say he's 31 going on 23. He had terrible FOMO (fear of missing out), and constantly had to be "ripping" (drink excessively every single weekend). There was a very obvious maturity gap between us despite him being 6 years older.

Fast forward 2 years, we were living together. We didn't share a lease, I had my own place but he invited me over/wanted me there every single day it just got to the point where I essentially lived there. I did everything and anything for this guy - I mean literally. I cooked every meal, I planned fun dates, I did his laundry. I feel like Jennifer Aniston in the move "The break-up." Nothing I did was ever appreciated, he always found something to critique whether it was the meal i made needed more salt or I lost one of his socks doing the laundry. But for some reason, I loved him. He never, ever told me he loved me. I refused to say it first because I just wanted him to and felt like I deserved to hear it first based off how I treated him. I felt like I was begging for the bare minimum at times, I'd ask him to not leave his dirty dish on the table and put it in the dishwasher, or I'd ask him to plan a date with me, or sometimes he'd mention plans and I would just assume I was left out. 

It got to a point where his friends & family would ask me what took him so long to introduce me to them, or what took him so long to commit to me, or I'd hear the other girlfriends talking about how they all go to their hockey games together every weekend but I was never invited by my boyfriend nor was I told the girlfriends went. He never wanted to meet my family or be involved with them, I tried to pass it off as it wasn't a big deal but I'm close with my family and I started just getting embarrassed having my aunts, cousins etc. ask me why he wasn't at the holidays or a wedding. They had a joke nickname for him called "mr. x" because they didn't know if he actually existed or not. 

He used to also always say how he thought his friends in relationships "could do better." Meaning he would look at his friend & their girlfriend and just immediately assume his friend was settling. I would get offended by that because not only is that a rude thought to have towards someone but based off the few times I did meet his friends, was not true at all. His friends and their girlfriends were all great people.  

Back in July, I received a birthday present and it was a surprise vacation. Nothing was planned, but he said he was taking me. I believed him, but within 3 days he started taking the gift back. He all of a sudden was saying it was too expensive or maybe we should go with a group instead. I was very offended internally, but externally tried to be as understanding of the costs as possible. Fast forward another week, he went to a wedding and came back to break up with me. He told me that he's only ever had one other girlfriend and doesn't know if he can fully commit without seeing his other options just yet. He told me (and everyone else - it all got back to me) that I checked every single box and more, he's never been treated so well, but he just can't help but wonder if someone else could potentially check even more boxes for him. He mentioned how he could make "lists of things" he hated with other girls he dated, but with me there was nothing he hated.

I was/am completely heartbroken, embarrassed, and lost. I know it sounds crazy based on the information above but I felt like I lost my best friend, I saw all the red flags but I loved him more than enough to have this relationship last as long as it did. I'm embarrassed that I did everything and anything for this guy and at the end of the day, he still told me it wasn't enough. In fact, he even ended the break up saying "don't worry, this is a me issue. i'm definitely very physically attracted to you, and you are the best person I've ever dated but I need to just make sure no one else is better which is why I don't want to shut this door completely." He's 31 years old, I am 25. 

Post break-up, he went out every single night to bars with a bunch of 23-24 year old guys. He used to tell me that going out to dinners was too expensive with me, but somehow always had the money to go out for drinks with these random guys he doesn't even consider friends. I feel like he has a weird mix of the grass is greener mindset and Peter Pan syndrome.

Part of me wants him back and I don't know if its an ego-thing or what. My ego was demolished by this break-up and I don't even know that if he were to come back if I were to ever forgive him enough for it to work. Part of me wants to move on, but it's hard because I remember all the good memories we had together, but every good memory created was because of something I did. 

Has anybody ever dealt with something like this? Re-reading this, I feel crazy for even waiting him back. I don't know if I miss him or just having someone. 

[d0nnivain]

His FOMO /GIGs has now killed your relationship.  Peter Pan will never grow up.  

If this break up was a few days ago, waiting may have had some merit but now you are going on 3 months.  If he does come back you have to assume it would be for the wrong reasons.  It won't be because he loves you & can't live with out you.  He'll be back because he's settling for you. 

Give yourself a break.  Take some time off from dating for the rest of this year.  Self soothe.  Enjoy your life as an adult & then when you have finished grieving get back on the horse with a new better guy who can commit.  

[Sun Seeker]

Yes you are crazy for wanting him back. He sounds like a terrible boyfriend. You can do A LOT better. You are scared of being alone and having to find someone new, but that's all part of life.

Also always remember the rule: an ex is an ex for a reason. NEVER get back with an ex.

[Ldog92]

Having read everything you’ve said it doesn’t sound like he was a good boyfriend to you at all. The fact it doesn’t look like he’s going to mature anytime soon really doesn’t help matters, as it seems you’re completely different in regards to maturity levels.

You certainly deserve to be treated a lot better, and that will come in time with the right person. Not everyone moves on from a relationship at the same pace and there’s no timescale, so don’t beat yourself up about not being over it just yet. You just have to focus on yourself and in time you’ll realise you made the right choice of not waiting around for him. Waiting around for someone is a bad thing to do, I’m extremely guilty of that myself and trust me it only ever holds you back. It’s a fantasy world where you imagine how great it’ll be and different if you got back together. It’s not worth putting your life on hold or waiting for something that might never happen. 

[ExpatInItaly]

This was a sad read. There is no point waiting for him, OP. 

He's never been that into you. The relationship was always lopsided with little emotional investment on his part. As such, there really isn't anything worthwhile going back to. He was there because it was convenient you Mommy'ed him, but not because he genuinely valued you as his partner. He very clearly did not and did everything he could to keep you on the fringes of his life. 

So take your time healing, and don't ever allow yourself to be treated like this again. 

 

[glows]

3 hours ago, gogators_15 said:

I don't know if I miss him or just having someone. 

You're missing him. With time this will fade. Have more faith in yourself. You know this wasn't working and have painted a very candid account of what happened in the relationship so you are aware. Give yourself more time.