How to Grieve / Feel the Break-Up - what does that mean?

[justinje]

I'm a week +2 days in to discussions around breaking up and 2 days post the final "I'm moving out and we're done" discussion post a 2.5 year relationship where we lived with each other for 1.5 years. 

A lot of people are telling me its a good thing, that we weren't compatible, etc. Okay, fine, and in time maybe I"ll agree. 

But the pain is so high right now, and the thoughts of the life her and I built together (the entire time I've been in my current city was with her, she moved her for me), the friends we made, the city we explored, the times we shared, etc. 

People on here have told me to grieve, not to try to brush over it. How do I do that? What does that mean? It's an easy thing to say but I don't know what they're talking about. Does that mean I should just sit and feel the extreme pain? Because I don't want to do that. Does it mean that I shouldn't try to distract myself? 

I want to handle this the right way, I want to grow from this, because there's definitely things I can learn from this past relationship. But I want to get to the point where I can view life positively and focus on work and friends and family and be optimistic about the future as fast as possible. 

I'm not a person that experiences anxiety too much, but right now I'm a full on ball of anxiety, I can't focus, I don't want to do anything, I keep going round and round.

Please help and lay out the best healthy way to grieve and how I get out of this cycle of mental torment.

[d0nnivain]

To me grieve means experience the emotions. Don't suppress them or gloss over them.  Don't try to down play how much you hurt expect as necessary to go to work / school & keep your life on track. 

Negative upset emotions are hard for people to deal with.  Everybody wants to rush in & say "there, there"; "it will be OK";  & tell you stop crying or to cheer up.  They don't like seeing others cry.  But it's OK to cry & feel sad in the short term.  

You still need to function.  A little bit of distraction is good.  You'd take an aspirin if you had a headache so doing something to ease your emotional pain is OK as long as it's not destructive like getting drunk every day. 

Journaling helps.  Activity like exercise helps.  Purging your life of the pictures & mementos helps.  I got a lot of satisfaction once by taping a photo of an EX to a dart board & obliterating the picture with darts.  Find what gives you peace.  

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, justinje said:

I want to grow from this, because there's definitely things I can learn from this past relationship. But I want to get to the point where I can view life positively and focus on work and friends and family and be optimistic about the future as fast as possible. 

Unfortunately, not everything has a silver lining. Although it's part of human nature to seek and part of the coping process to try to right ourselves.

In this case you're losing control, things are changing and that scares you. However once you let go, accept it's over you'll start to unwind somewhat.

[glows]

My work and other obligations helped me out quite a bit. I did not take medications or go for counselling. I did lean on friends and I did work, every single day. I also enrolled in a masters program and completed it earlier this year. It wasn't necessary or needed but I always wanted to do it. At the end of the day, it wasn't the break up or the divorce that defined anything. It was what I did in the time I was grieving. I was still living. 

I'm not sure if that helps. Everyone copes differently. Surround yourself with lots of nourishing food, stay hydrated and yes, do stay on track as much as possible.

 

[monkeynuts]

I don’t think there is a right answer. 2 weeks into NC and I too have wonder what it means sometimes when people say ‘try not to think or dwell on things’ ‘stop thinking about stuff to do with her’

 

I feel from previous breakups that people have to ride out what they’re feeling. To not block anything out. You need to learn to accept what you’re feeling and understand emotions will be high. It’s truly reflecting on why you feel as you do, yes you’ll question things but isn’t that healthy? The end of relationships are big life changes that happen in people’s lives. 
The worst thing for me personally is when people say ‘you’ll learn what not to do in your next relationship. Learn from mistakes and don’t carry them onto the next’ this is the worse thing people who were dumped want to hear although it’s the truth.

sit with your feelings. Cry if you need to. Be angry if you need to. It’s important though to strike a balance. You can’t sit there minute after minute thinking of your ex. To a point you need to do what makes you happy. If your thoughts constantly wonder to your ex accept this is ok, but try to change your thought process. Learn what was it that triggered those thoughts? What were you actually feeling when those thoughts came up and why. Try not to be hard on yourself. Everyone grieves differently so there is no magic answer sadly.

time is the true healer. Each day the pain eases, your ex will be in your thoughts less and less. I’m a strong believer in fitness. It releases endorphins that make you feel good. Last breakup I threw myself into crossfit. Got into the best shape in my life and it kept my mind busy. 
 

 

 

[Weezy1973]

On 10/4/2021 at 8:43 AM, justinje said:

But the pain is so high right now, and the thoughts of the life her and I built together (the entire time I've been in my current city was with her, she moved her for me), the friends we made, the city we explored, the times we shared, etc. 

How do I do that? What does that mean? It's an easy thing to say but I don't know what they're talking about. Does that mean I should just sit and feel the extreme pain? Because I don't want to do that. Does it mean that I shouldn't try to distract myself? 

 

The first thing you have to really understand is that the pain will dissipate with time. I've found that it takes about six months. Right now you're still very early on where you're thinking about her / memories / what ifs constantly, which is what is causing the pain. As time goes on, these things will enter your mind less and less, and the pain will become less severe. You can't really control your thoughts and you can't really control your feelings, and trying to do so usually causes more harm than good. Just trust that you will return to normal with time.

 

As for distracting yourself, it really depends. Healthy distractions such as increasing your fitness, focusing on your career, establishing a social circle, etc. will be fine, although your mind is going to keep drifting to those unpleasant thoughts for a little while. Things you shouldn't do are jumping into dating / another relationship, drugs / alcohol / indulgent eating, going into "hermit" mode etc. But acceptance is very important. You're feeling pain because of a break up. That's normal, and human and very understandable. There's nothing "wrong" with that even though it's painful. Acceptance is important.

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Healthy distractions such as increasing your fitness, focusing on your career, establishing a social circle, etc. will be fine, although your mind is going to keep drifting to those unpleasant thoughts for a little while. Things you shouldn't do are jumping into dating / another relationship, drugs / alcohol / indulgent eating, going into "hermit" mode etc.

Yes, this. 

This is what most people are talking about when they say to allow yourself to feel your pain rather than distract yourself with unhealthy choices.