Guy I am dating is suffering from ED and wants to be alone.

[Skittle2021]

I was dating this guy (exclusively) for about 4 months now. Everything was good with us up until a few weeks ago. He went out of town for a few days too a bachelor party. It was during my bday so we both agreed to see each other when he got back. However, I have not seen him since.

We always see each other once a week, usually on Friday and sometimes we see each other on Saturday as well. The first weekend he came back from his trip, we were supposed to meet up but h said he was feeling really sick and cancelled saying that he needed to get a cover test. So we didn't see each other that week and planned to see each other the following week. The next week he calls me the day of our date to tell me that a family member ended up in the hospital and he had to drive his mother out of town to be with that family member. Of course I understood and told him id still like to see him. he agreed but then called later on that night to tell me he wasn't going to be able to make it because he was tired. I was disappointed so I left it alone. I rescheduled till the next week, this time he calls me on Thursday to tell me his grandfather died. I didnt expect to see him so I asked if he was still planning on seeing each other given the situation and he said yes. The day of the date, he called 1/2 before our date to tell me he wasn't going to be able to make it at the time he said he was. When I asked him what time, he then started to say he didnt know and blah blah, at that point I didnt even want to hear it, I told him to forget it and I got off the phone. 

This was really bothering me because at this point I felt like he was avoiding me and just making excuses but at the same time I felt conflicted because his excuses were legit. so I asked him flat out if there was any shift in his feelings for me, if he had met someone else, lost interest etc. I told him hat I felt like he was avoiding me and He swore on his grandfathers grave that none of that was the issue. He then said that he has been unable to get an erection since he came back from his trip. He said he noticed it at the strip club, then when he came back and tried watching porn. he said it would only get semi hard. He said he believes he is suffering from ED and needs to get checked out. He even semi blamed me for this issue stating that my mention of his smoking and drinking habits being unhealthy and causing issues is why he is going through this. He said I spoke this into his life. I was hurt by that but I let it go. Understanding how traumatic having ED could be for him, I told him I understood and that we didnt have to do anything, we can just chill. I told him I just wanted to see him and be around him. He said he wanted to see me too, but declined saying that he didnt feel right coming over and didnt feel like himself. 

I asked if we could see each other the following week because I haven't seen him in almost a month and I didnt get to see him for my birthday. He agreed. we continued to talk to each other daily throughout the week leading up to it. We talked about his mix of tobacco and marijuana use, alcohol consumption, poor eating and sleeping habits as a possibility. He said he believes its mental because he suffers from anxiety and that he is sick. I asked him if he wanted me to fall back and he got annoyed of the suggestion so I left it alone. On Thursday I asked if he still planned on seeing me on Friday and asked not to cancel on me again. He said yes, that was the plan unless something came up. that didnt sit right with me but I left it alone. 

Friday came and I didnt get my normal good morning text from him and I got a bad feeling. I called him to see if he was still coming and he didnt answer. After about an hour or so I text him and he didnt answer. This is not normal for him as he always answers my calls and text in a decent time and he was not at work this  day because he is off on Fridays. Then out of the blue, I go this text.

"Im not going be able to come im sorry but i cant right now if u don't wanna talk to me no more i understand but i gotta take some time for me i need to be alone right now no distractions if u cant respect that than idk what to say" 

I do understand that he is going through something, but why shut someone out that is understanding and actually cares about you.

I was shocked, confused and numb at reading this. I tried to call him to discuss what he meant and he wouldn't answer. I tried to text him but he never  responded. I was forced to leave it and now I dont know what to think. I don't know if this is his way of breaking up with me, if he just needs some time (and if he does I dont know how much time because I was unable to ask him) Its been 3 days and I have heard nothing from him. What should I do? Should I move on or give him some time?

Edited October 5, 2021 by Skittle2021

[poppyfields]

Hi Skittles, I hate to say this, but my initial gut feeling upon reading this is that he met someone else at this so-called "bachelor party" he attended and every excuse he's given you after his return including his ED, is BS.

Culminating with the final nail in the coffin, his break up text, which is exactly what it was.

He has broken up with you, and I think what's best is that you respect his wishes and leave him be.

Stop calling him.  Stop texting him.

I'm sorry.

Hugs.

Edited October 5, 2021 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

Are you sure it was a bachelor party that took him out of town?  

Just something to consider but it's possible he had been interacting on line with another woman and went out of town to meet her.

They totally clicked and that is why he distanced himself after his return, and then ended your relationship.  

That actually makes more sense than him suddenly developing ED after attending a bachelor party and him not wanting to see you AT ALL.

That makes no sense to me.

I could be wrong but that's what I am sensing from reading this..

Again I am really sorry, I know it hurts no matter what's going on.

But honestly, it's best to respect his wishes and leave him alone.

If he changes his mind, he knows where to find you.

 

Edited October 5, 2021 by poppyfields

[Daisydooks]

34 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said:

He said I spoke this into his life.

Nonsense. Lol. 

Id drop this guy and just stop engaging. Its not worth the mental gymnastics youre about to endure to make this work.  Find someone more stable and available. Im sorry, hun. I dont disbelieve he has ED necessarily but if he is so bent out of shape about it he wont see you and even blames you for it, move on. Its not worth the games and nonsense

[glows]

Yes, treat it as a break up. He doesn't want to speak with you or isn't responding. It was manipulative of him to blame you for anything. Move on. 

Focus on the facts that you do know about him and the behaviour he has shown you. Then ask yourself why you're willing to overlook so many negative aspects of a person concerning their health when you've only known him for four months. He is so addled he blamed you for his demise. I could have been married to someone for 40 years and if they changed overnight into what you're describing above, I would be gone. 

[DividedTrail]

Guy here. Assuming all he said was true regarding him having ED struggles, sickness and deaths in the family, he isn’t treating you as someone he values. 

Cancelling last minute, blaming you, saying he needs space for an indefinite amount of time and basically telling you if you can’t deal with that, tough… you sound like a kind and understanding person, don’t let him guilt you into hanging around against your better judgement.

Now if he finally comes around (soon) and comes clean so to speak, I would be asking some hard questions and make it known the way he handled things was not acceptable and won’t be tolerated again, assuming you still have feeling for him. But honestly, he doesn’t sound worth all that forgiveness and effort unfortunately…

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, poppyfields said:

my initial gut feeling upon reading this is that he met someone else at this so-called "bachelor party" he attended and every excuse he's given you after his return including his ED, is BS.

Agreed. 

I think you are getting the wool pulled over your eyes, OP. I would not care to talk to this guy again. 

[Wiseman2]

He's not a good man. Run 👟👟

[Skittle2021]

11 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Hi Skittles, I hate to say this, but my initial gut feeling upon reading this is that he met someone else at this so-called "bachelor party" he attended and every excuse he's given you after his return including his ED, is BS.

Culminating with the final nail in the coffin, his break up text, which is exactly what it was.

He has broken up with you, and I think what's best is that you respect his wishes and leave him be.

Stop calling him.  Stop texting him.

I'm sorry.

Hugs.

Thank you. I think you are right. he maintained contact during the whole time he was at the bachelor party and during all the days he was away so never suspected anything like cheating. he was so anxious moo setback home however, he never came to see me. I tried to provide a safe space for open communication but he kept denying that anything was wrong with us. I know he suffers from anxiety and friends of mine say that he sounds depressed and his anxiety is causing him to act this way. I dont know ,much about anxiety but they claim that people who suffer from It act like this. I was trying to be patient and understanding because despite if we are a good match or not, I do care about it. After he reacted the way that he did towards me with that break up text, I just dont know how to feel other than sad. 

[Skittle2021]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Agreed. 

I think you are getting the wool pulled over your eyes, OP. I would not care to talk to this guy again. 

Thank you. I dont plan on talking to him again, it just sucks that through all the has put me through in the last month, I'm the one who got hurt and didnt deserve it nat all.

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry his grandmother died but everything else he told you is a crock.  You are better off without him.  

[Skittle2021]

9 hours ago, DividedTrail said:

Guy here. Assuming all he said was true regarding him having ED struggles, sickness and deaths in the family, he isn’t treating you as someone he values. 

Cancelling last minute, blaming you, saying he needs space for an indefinite amount of time and basically telling you if you can’t deal with that, tough… you sound like a kind and understanding person, don’t let him guilt you into hanging around against your better judgement.

Now if he finally comes around (soon) and comes clean so to speak, I would be asking some hard questions and make it known the way he handled things was not acceptable and won’t be tolerated again, assuming you still have feeling for him. But honestly, he doesn’t sound worth all that forgiveness and effort unfortunately…

Thank you for the male perspective. I dont think I can get past this. I feel horrible about how I was treated, especially since that text caught me off guard being that he was fine the day before. We talked till like 2 am and I guess I dont understand how someone can shift that dramatically in a matter of hours. I know I will get over this, it just hurts.

[Skittle2021]

11 hours ago, glows said:

Yes, treat it as a break up. He doesn't want to speak with you or isn't responding. It was manipulative of him to blame you for anything. Move on. 

Focus on the facts that you do know about him and the behaviour he has shown you. Then ask yourself why you're willing to overlook so many negative aspects of a person concerning their health when you've only known him for four months. He is so addled he blamed you for his demise. I could have been married to someone for 40 years and if they changed overnight into what you're describing above, I would be gone. 

I guess even if we weren't compatible I felt we could still be close friends. talking to someone every day for hours on end for four months is hard to to just cut that off. I won't call him or text him so I have to go cold turkey and its not easy since i'm used to talking to him all the time. I had no warning that this was going to happen so im still pretty much in emotional shock. I haven't even shed a tear yet, just very sad.

[d0nnivain]

Why would you want to be close friends with somebody who is lying to you?  

Plus keeping an EX in your life just annoys new prospects.  Any new SO in either of your life won't tolerate this "friendship." 

[Skittle2021]

Just now, d0nnivain said:

Why would you want to be close friends with somebody who is lying to you?  

Plus keeping an EX in your life just annoys new prospects.  Any new SO in either of your life won't tolerate this "friendship." 

because I didn't know he was lying to me and still dont know that's why im asking for perspective. 

[d0nnivain]

Well now you know he is lying so why did you write in a post above that you want to be close friends.  Since you don't know why you are even asking, perhaps doing some soul-searching to answer that Q is a great 1st step.  

[Skittle2021]

4 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Well now you know he is lying so why did you write in a post above that you want to be close friends.  Since you don't know why you are even asking, perhaps doing some soul-searching to answer that Q is a great 1st step.  

I didnt say that. I said if it didnt work out I thought we could be because thats how it started. just because you aren't compatible doesn't mean you can't be friends. I didnt say that I was trying to be friends with him, thats a big difference. I dont treat people like aa means to an end. if it didnt work out romantically then thats fine. thats is what meant. 

[d0nnivain]

OK.  As long as you know that he's bad news now.  

[ramen234]

56 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said:

Thank you. I dont plan on talking to him again, it just sucks that through all the has put me through in the last month, I'm the one who got hurt and didnt deserve it nat all.

Men do not like when a woman tells him what to do, it can be emasculating to him.  Same with criticism.  I am not blaming you though.  I used to not answer calls from a family member who was worried about me.  The whole blaming you for his problem is not really fair though.

[Skittle2021]

15 minutes ago, ramen234 said:

Men do not like when a woman tells him what to do, it can be emasculating to him.  Same with criticism.  I am not blaming you though.  I used to not answer calls from a family member who was worried about me.  The whole blaming you for his problem is not really fair though.

I’m confused. When did I tell him what to do? 

[d0nnivain]

16 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said:

I’m confused. When did I tell him what to do? 

Although I can't speak for @ramen234 my best guess is he's saying that your BF acted like this because you had the temerity to comment on his smoking, drinking & over all unhealthy habits.   Not knowing your BF, it is possible that he did respond negatively to the criticism but since it was constructive criticism born of caring, IMO if he took so much umbrage at you caring about him that he developed ED, blamed it on you & has now dumped you, good riddance.  Bottom line, you know his alcohol & drug use are the major causes of his problems, not your comments.  

[ramen234]

16 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said:

I’m confused. When did I tell him what to do? 

. "He even semi blamed me for this issue stating that my mention of his smoking and drinking habits being unhealthy and causing issues is why he is going through this"

Everyone knows smoking and drinking is bad for you.  It is criticism that emasculate men.

[ramen234]

1 minute ago, d0nnivain said:

Although I can't speak for @ramen234 my best guess is he's saying that your BF acted like this because you had the temerity to comment on his smoking, drinking & over all unhealthy habits.   Not knowing your BF, it is possible that he did respond negatively to the criticism but since it was constructive criticism born of caring, IMO if he took so much umbrage at you caring about him that he developed ED, blamed it on you & has now dumped you, good riddance.  Bottom line, you know his alcohol & drug use are the major causes of his problems, not your comments.  

His drinking and smoking habit is a result of stress not that he actually enjoys these kinds of things.  When a person smokes it changes the person's breathing, usually a smoker take deep breaths.  Both smoking and drinking changes brain chemistry, unfortunately these are just temporary solutions to a big problem.  Regular physical exercise is far better.

[glows]

2 hours ago, Skittle2021 said:

I guess even if we weren't compatible I felt we could still be close friends. talking to someone every day for hours on end for four months is hard to to just cut that off. I won't call him or text him so I have to go cold turkey and its not easy since i'm used to talking to him all the time. I had no warning that this was going to happen so im still pretty much in emotional shock. I haven't even shed a tear yet, just very sad.

That's understandable but what's worse is telling yourself to wait for his call or text or telling yourself that he will come around. You could be getting to know someone else who values you and wants to spend time with you.

[Skittle2021]

38 minutes ago, ramen234 said:

. "He even semi blamed me for this issue stating that my mention of his smoking and drinking habits being unhealthy and causing issues is why he is going through this"

Everyone knows smoking and drinking is bad for you.  It is criticism that emasculate men.

I told him how I felt about that months ago and it didn't affect anything. Once his junk stopped working thats when what I said months ago became an issue. I did not emasculate him. I cared about him and saw what he was doing wasn't good. If I didnt care I would have never said anything.