alex.simpson Posted October 5, 2021 Share Posted October 5, 2021 Hi dear all, I write her as I need some advice support. I am 28, live in Germany and I started in 2020 a relationship with a non-eu girl (Russia). We were 1 year online first, and meeting where Covid allowed (Portugal a few times). Before meeting for the first time everything was amazing, but on first time it was crazily good. She said she loved me a lot and was the guy of her dreams. Although I appreciated this, I considered it a little bit fast. Moving forward, she decided to comeback to Germany back in July (so 8 months after meeting online). The transition has been very rough. We have gone from not seeing each other in 5 months to be under the same roof. I was very excited and happy that she came but soon a few problems arose: - She was angry that I did not follow the gentleman courtesy they have on east ( open doors all the time, carrying bags etc...I would do these things but only when i consider its really needed) - She says I dont support her enough as I asked to split bills more or less. I make more money so I do this in a fair way. - Her tourist visa is about to expire and this is the big issue. I told her to explore ways for her to come (sponsorhip) but that I am not ready to move forward so early in other more serious ways (marriage, legal partners). What is the status now? No sex nor intimacy at all. She says she cannot do anything if we have issues, but before there were other excuses...in sum, we went from crazy times when we met to not even giving a morning kiss anymore. She does not refer to me as anything sweet. Before she called me my world, my love, my man...now i am Alex. She does not reason with me at all. Whenever I try to fix things in a constructive way, she keeps attacking me all the time. She never looks for solutions she just attacks me. Everything going wrong in her life is my fault. I truly feel like her enemy. She does not smile to me at all. Only if we are with friends or family, to them she is very nice and friendly. She does not like my pets anymore, I have 2 cats and before she adored them, now they are annoying. She critizices: my clothes, my hair, my bad breath, my house, my cats...so nothing seems to be ok at all. If i do something for her, she is never happy or content. She will always find the thing missing. Nothing is enough. Psychological result: I am not doing well and going to psychologist for this. My self confidence is going down and I start feeling like I am not worthy of a girls love. I wanted to fix things because before she was what I thought the girl I would marry but now I feel pretty shitty everyday. She also feels bad and we are stuck. I really believe we are about to break up so I wanted to come here to tell my story and look for support. I already think how my life will be without her and again alone and makes me a bit sad. Thanks for reading and any tips are welcome. Alex Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted October 5, 2021 Share Posted October 5, 2021 Living together can be stressful, even for those who have been physically together for a long time. You found out the hard way you didn't know each other well enough to take that step. It sounds like your expectations of each other do not match up. Does being alone again really sound worse than what you have right now? Try to look at things clearly, without letting emotion control. Do you think the two of you can learn to compromise and work through your differences? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 5, 2021 Share Posted October 5, 2021 14 minutes ago, alex.simpson said: Her tourist visa is about to expire and this is the big issue. I told her to explore ways for her to come (sponsorhip) but that I am not ready to move forward so early in other more serious ways (marriage, legal partners). Sorry this happened. Sounds like her goal was residency/a spouse in the EU. When that didn't materialize she got mad. Let her leave. Don't be manipulated. Going from an online thing crash-landing into living together of course was a huge mistake. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted October 5, 2021 Share Posted October 5, 2021 (edited) She might feel trapped in a foreign country and also that this is not what she signed up for. Your values and expectations don't align. She's looking for a man who can look after her financially and show types of gentlemanly behaviour such as opening doors and pulling out chairs. That's how she feels loved and secure. You're going about this the opposite way and that's why she can't reciprocate that affection. Let her go to find a man who can love her that way. I don't think there's anything wrong with your expectations or that you've asked for help with bills. Plenty of men feel the same way you do and there are others who do not so go your separate ways if you're not on the same page. Edited October 5, 2021 by glows 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Daisydooks Posted October 5, 2021 Share Posted October 5, 2021 2 hours ago, alex.simpson said: Hi dear all, I write her as I need some advice support. I am 28, live in Germany and I started in 2020 a relationship with a non-eu girl (Russia). We were 1 year online first, and meeting where Covid allowed (Portugal a few times). Before meeting for the first time everything was amazing, but on first time it was crazily good. She said she loved me a lot and was the guy of her dreams. Although I appreciated this, I considered it a little bit fast. Moving forward, she decided to comeback to Germany back in July (so 8 months after meeting online). The transition has been very rough. We have gone from not seeing each other in 5 months to be under the same roof. I was very excited and happy that she came but soon a few problems arose: - She was angry that I did not follow the gentleman courtesy they have on east ( open doors all the time, carrying bags etc...I would do these things but only when i consider its really needed) - She says I dont support her enough as I asked to split bills more or less. I make more money so I do this in a fair way. - Her tourist visa is about to expire and this is the big issue. I told her to explore ways for her to come (sponsorhip) but that I am not ready to move forward so early in other more serious ways (marriage, legal partners). What is the status now? No sex nor intimacy at all. She says she cannot do anything if we have issues, but before there were other excuses...in sum, we went from crazy times when we met to not even giving a morning kiss anymore. She does not refer to me as anything sweet. Before she called me my world, my love, my man...now i am Alex. She does not reason with me at all. Whenever I try to fix things in a constructive way, she keeps attacking me all the time. She never looks for solutions she just attacks me. Everything going wrong in her life is my fault. I truly feel like her enemy. She does not smile to me at all. Only if we are with friends or family, to them she is very nice and friendly. She does not like my pets anymore, I have 2 cats and before she adored them, now they are annoying. She critizices: my clothes, my hair, my bad breath, my house, my cats...so nothing seems to be ok at all. If i do something for her, she is never happy or content. She will always find the thing missing. Nothing is enough. Psychological result: I am not doing well and going to psychologist for this. My self confidence is going down and I start feeling like I am not worthy of a girls love. I wanted to fix things because before she was what I thought the girl I would marry but now I feel pretty shitty everyday. She also feels bad and we are stuck. I really believe we are about to break up so I wanted to come here to tell my story and look for support. I already think how my life will be without her and again alone and makes me a bit sad. Thanks for reading and any tips are welcome. Alex Alone sounds better than this though, if Im honest Sounds like youll be much happier with her gone. Send her home and wish her well, but let her know this is not only not working, but its taking an extreme toll on you mentally and emotionally. You dont deserve to be treated like this because she wants a visa. She is using you for a visa. She was and is using you. She is attempting to browbeat you into marrying her by engaging and behaving this way. If she is stubborn enough, you just might give into her asinine behaviour. Dont Let her go back home and be done. I know this sucks because break ups are hard. But this is the person she is, and who she "was" was a woman who wanted a visa. When she realized she couldnt use you in that way, she started treating you like crap (and you can do so much better - even if you're alone.) 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted October 5, 2021 Share Posted October 5, 2021 It was a mistake to have her come and move into your house when you had been having only a long-distance online relationship and had only met in person a few times. Now you are learning why that is not a good idea. You didn't truly know this person before you had her move cross-country and move into your house. Now things are falling apart and going very badly. You need to get her out of your house. Break up and let her go back home. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 6, 2021 Share Posted October 6, 2021 13 hours ago, alex.simpson said: I am not doing well and going to psychologist for this You don't need a psychologist for this. You need to dump this woman and get out of the relationship. She is clearly using you for a ticket into the EU, OP. You two did not know each other well enough at all to move into together, and you're now seeing plainly how she really feels about you. This is not going to work, and didn't have legs to stand on. End it and get her out of your house. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted October 6, 2021 Share Posted October 6, 2021 14 hours ago, alex.simpson said: Psychological result: I am not doing well and going to psychologist for this. My self confidence is going down and I start feeling like I am not worthy of a girls love. I wanted to fix things because before she was what I thought the girl I would marry but now I feel pretty shitty everyday. She also feels bad and we are stuck. I really believe we are about to break up so I wanted to come here to tell my story and look for support. I already think how my life will be without her and again alone and makes me a bit sad. When it comes down to it, it's not good. You want to be in a relationship with someone who enriches and encourages your life. Her dissatisfaction is most likely unrelated to anything you do or do not do, and if you were not present, someone else would most likely hear the same complaints. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted October 11, 2021 Share Posted October 11, 2021 (edited) Hi Alex, so sorry but I think she was looking for marriage to a well-off guy in a western European (or American) state. Her effusive loving words previously sound rather contrived. Yes, it is important to have good manners but she obviously had higher expectations of you (and little expectation of having to do anything herself). I feel she is just using you and you might as well break up. Before doing so, I would ask her what she is looking for now, what does she want out of the relationship. If it amounts to 'marriage and access to your money', then you know love has little to do with it. She is not puritanical - she met you abroad while knowing little about you and came to live with you (and have sex) so there should be no rush for marriage until you two are happy with each other. Of course, it is always possible she thinks marriage is important in a loving relationship and that of course you would want that straight away. However, she is clearly not happy with you and not being loving towards you (and I am not referring to sex here). She is finding fault. It would be a big mistake to marry this girl to try to make her happier to be with you. Edited October 11, 2021 by spiderowl Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts