Considering divorce after 12 years

[Sadandconfused80]

Hello everyone.  I’m new to this forum.  Please listen to my story and tell me if I’m being unreasonable or not. 
 

Throughout our relationship, there have been red flags that I’ve ignored.  I accommodate him to keep the peace, but he ends up losing his temper at everyone anyway.  
 

I fear that my resentment toward him is overpowering any love I have. He has criticized me, about sex, about how I parent, how I dress, my makeup, and has also hit the kids on occasion. He has kept me from my family because of an issue he had with my dad.   
 

One thing that broke me tonight was that he told our seven year old daughter that he wasn’t coming to her bday celebration because she doesn’t listen.  That’s wrong. And manipulative. She cried in her room for a long time. 

On a daily basis, my kids ask why daddy is so mad all the time and asks, “ why does he hate me?”

Im scared of divorce.  But I also don’t want the kids to see such a bad example of a man. 

[basil67]

You're at the stage my sister was at when made up her mind to leave.  She tolerated his rudeness and rejection when it was directed at her, but once he aimed it at the kids, her 'mama bear' instinct kicked in, she took the kids and left.    So no, you're not at all being unreasonable.  

I'm curious as to the background here.  Is he aware of how the you and the kids are feeling?   Does he lose his temper and then regret it....or does he never see himself as being wrong?  Have you given any thoughts to how to manage custody when the kids feel like they do?   

If you do leave, do you feel that you or the kids will be at risk?

 

 

[central]

Divorce IS scary, but once you get past the fear, it can be liberating and create peace and contentment (especially once it's all over).  Sadly, your husband does not act in a loving a caring way to either you or your children.  That is a serious deal breaker, IMO; you're an adult and can take action to protect yourself, but your children are helpless victims.  You can extract them from this harmful environment, even if he gets partial custody he will have less influence.

Find a lawyer, or counselling, or something - find out what resources are available to help you locally.  No one should have to live in fear.

[Sadandconfused80]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

You're at the stage my sister was at when made up her mind to leave.  She tolerated his rudeness and rejection when it was directed at her, but once he aimed it at the kids, her 'mama bear' instinct kicked in, she took the kids and left.    So no, you're not at all being unreasonable.  

I'm curious as to the background here.  Is he aware of how the you and the kids are feeling?   Does he lose his temper and then regret it....or does he never see himself as being wrong?  Have you given any thoughts to how to manage custody when the kids feel like they do?   

If you do leave, do you feel that you or the kids will be at risk?

 

 

Thank you for your insight. Yes, he is aware.  It doesn’t seem like he feels bad about it.  Or he hides it well.  I have thought of the custody issue, and I would want sole custody with him having partial.   Right now, he’s in the basement giving me the silent treatment because I told him to take anger management classes or leave.   He’s just always on edge and I don’t know if I’m going to have a good night or bad night when I get home from work.  The only peace I feel is when I’m at work, or when I’m with the kids alone. Not at home.  

[Sadandconfused80]

1 hour ago, central said:

Divorce IS scary, but once you get past the fear, it can be liberating and create peace and contentment (especially once it's all over).  Sadly, your husband does not act in a loving a caring way to either you or your children.  That is a serious deal breaker, IMO; you're an adult and can take action to protect yourself, but your children are helpless victims.  You can extract them from this harmful environment, even if he gets partial custody he will have less influence.

Find a lawyer, or counselling, or something - find out what resources are available to help you locally.  No one should have to live in fear.

Thank you for your reply.  I agree.  I can handle it, but when it comes to my kids, I have to draw the line.  He claims that what he says is disciplining the children, when they don’t listen.  But it harms them.  And they do not feel loved by their father.  It breaks my heart. :( 

[spiderowl]

2 hours ago, Sadandconfused80 said:

Hello everyone.  I’m new to this forum.  Please listen to my story and tell me if I’m being unreasonable or not. 
 

Throughout our relationship, there have been red flags that I’ve ignored.  I accommodate him to keep the peace, but he ends up losing his temper at everyone anyway.  
 

I fear that my resentment toward him is overpowering any love I have. He has criticized me, about sex, about how I parent, how I dress, my makeup, and has also hit the kids on occasion. He has kept me from my family because of an issue he had with my dad.   
 

One thing that broke me tonight was that he told our seven year old daughter that he wasn’t coming to her bday celebration because she doesn’t listen.  That’s wrong. And manipulative. She cried in her room for a long time. 

On a daily basis, my kids ask why daddy is so mad all the time and asks, “ why does he hate me?”

Im scared of divorce.  But I also don’t want the kids to see such a bad example of a man. 

If your husband is hurting and upsetting your children, then that alone is a reason to separate and divorce.  Once resentment overpowers feelings of love, then it is hard to get back to any better balance unless both parties really want to make it work.

It seems you see him as an unkind father, who can be physically and mentally abusive at times, who is setting your children a bad example.  These all seem good reasons to divorce.

I get the impression you are asking if this is sufficient reason to divorce.  I do think it is.  I recognise that you are afraid of what you might have to go through to get there.

Have you tried to get your husband to go to marital therapy with you?

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, Sadandconfused80 said:

 and has also hit the kids on occasion. He has kept me from my family because of an issue he had with my dad.  

Sounds like an abusive man. While perhaps a milder case, nonetheless consider acting accordingly. You might want to contact local authorities and/or support resources for women in domestic abuse situations, such as a women's shelter. From what I understand leaving tends to be the most difficult/dangerous time.

https://www.un.org/en/coronavirus/what-is-domestic-abuse

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Sadandconfused80 said:

.  He claims that what he says is disciplining the children, when they don’t listen.  But it harms them.  

Sorry this is happening. Eventually the kids will tell a teacher or another adult. 

You need to protect them. Standing by watching their lives be destroyed is something you need to stop being complacent about.

Contact an attorney asap about your options in divorce.

The harm your complacency and thereby condoning it is doing to your children is cumulative.

He's an abuser. He's a child abuser. Of course he minimizes it. It's your responsibility to protect your children, not him.

Read up on the laws in your jurisdiction regarding child abuse. You may go down with him for condoning it.

"It breaks your heart", yet you stand by idly and let the harm continue.

Hopefully you'll do something before CPS takes your kids away. You're not innocent in this.

Edited October 6, 2021 by Wiseman2

[d0nnivain]

Divorce may be scary but it's better than having child protective services take your kids away because you chose the abusive father over them.  Protect your kids before he does major physical damage.  He has already done too much psychological damage.  

[Agentra]

8 hours ago, Sadandconfused80 said:

He claims that what he says is disciplining the children, when they don’t listen.  

Please do not fall for that. This is not "discipline", this is abuse. My mother used to hit me and tell me that she will "leave and never come back" when I was little. To this day I struggle a lot with boundaries, trust and healthy relationships, be it with myself or other people. 

For the sake of your little ones, leave. 

Edited October 6, 2021 by Agentra

[Blind-Sided]

I'm sorry you are here... and I think it's time leave. But, there is one part you may not have thought through.......

11 hours ago, Sadandconfused80 said:

......  I also don’t want the kids to see such a bad example of a man. 

Regardless if you get a divorce... that "Man" will still be the kids father, and will still be part of their lives.  Getting a divorce will not change that.  I'm not sure what part of the world you are in, but in the USA, the courts want both parents to be involved. So, unless there is a reason (actual criminal record) ... your stbXh will still have 50% custody if he wants. 

In my own situation, my exW was accusing me of abuse, and even went so far as to go to the local abuse center.  With out going into a lot of details, she thought she was going to take the kids, and herself away from "such an abusive father". When she was moving out, she didn't want to give me her new address, and she changed her phone number, and was trying to keep it a secret. (I had to tell her, she can't take my kids without me knowing where they are) but since there was no proof... there was no reason for the courts to keep my kids away from me. (and it became quite clear of who the actual abuser was when she took me and my oldest daughter to court) 

I'm not saying this to keep you from doing what needs to be done... and trust me... you will be happier after the divorce... but this person will be part of your life, more or less forever.  You just need to be as supported as you can to your kids, and help them understand that their father may be grumpy, but he is still their father. AND, they they still need to maintain a relationship with him. (something I had to do with my oldest daughter)   As the kids get older, they will decide who they want to be around more.  But if you badmouth the father to the kids... it could backfire on you later. (just something to keep in mind) 

I wish you peace in moving forward. 

[stillafool]

13 hours ago, Sadandconfused80 said:

Im scared of divorce. 

Why?  It's often the start of a fresh new life without the baggage. What are you afraid of?

[stillafool]

11 hours ago, Sadandconfused80 said:

 He claims that what he says is disciplining the children, when they don’t listen.  But it harms them.  And they do not feel loved by their father.  It breaks my heart.

This right here is more than enough reasoon to file for divorce.   Your kids will resent you later for keeping them in the house with a man who abused them.  Your kids wellbeing shoul;d come first and override any fear you have.

[Lotsgoingon]

Consult a divorce attorney--they offer free consults to get some basic advice.

If you can afford it, get to therapy. And yes, you might wanna consult with a domestic violence program. I sense some fear in you that hubby is explosive and unpredictable.

BTW: the huge red flag is him trying to keep you from your family because of "an issue" with your dad. He had no issue with your dad. He's an abuser. The abuser playbook #101 says the first is to isolate your spouse from her father. Cut off her access to other ideas and other support. Which leads the spouse in a position to be more emotionally dependent on the abuser--which the abuser loves because he can up the abuse knowing he's already decimated your psychological support system. These guys invent conflicts in order to isolate the woman from her family. They instigate conflicts.

And you gotta rebuild your strength so that you don't fall for nonsense like that in the future. You only stop interacting with anyone because YOU want to do so--not because of a spouse's insistence. A good step right now also might be going to visit your family and telling the truth of the marriage. Yeah, you'll be embarrassed, but that's OK. They'll love you and give you support. I'd say do that first. Even apologize for being distant. They'll hug you and re-embrace you and then you'll have a support system. And now you stay in contact with your family (the ones you feel close to) and you'll get the oxygen and clear thinking and perspective you need to go forward.

Just so you know: your husband is not going to improve your behavior. If you're starting to stand up to him, the abuser playbook says he has to hold firm, has to threaten you emotionally or physically. His first move here seems to be to withdraw love and contact. He's trying to scare you and emotionally shame you. 

You got any girlfriends you can talk to? Even people you've lost touch with that you still would trust? What about colleagues? Time to spill the beans to as many people as possible. You'll get support and love and good suggestions, and you'll stop wasting energy hiding your misery. 

Keep going. You're doing great. You've taken the first step just to acknowledge--as painful and as embarrassing and a scary as it is--how destructive your husband is. 

 

[ThePhoenixStillRises]

@Lotsgoingonhas given you some very solid advice.  You do not want your children growing up to think that their father's "discipline" is normal behavior.  How my ex-husband disciplined our children was one of the main reasons for me deciding to file for divorce.  I knew that his methods were wrong and would leave lasting trauma on them, even if they were too young to recognize it at the time.  However, it is true that your children will never truly be away from that behavior and I am guessing that you will not be allowed to have any input in anything that goes on while they are in his care.  My best advice would be to show them love and be a good role model for them during the times that you have them.  They will eventually begin to figure out the situation on their own...mine have.  And will start to have a preference for where they want to be.