Retroactive Jealousy - OCD. Found the One and want to resolve

[SiSenor]

I am a 50 year-old male in the UK who has always had a hang up about committing in relationships and have kept an emotional barrier up between partners.
I got married as I had a child with someone 25 years ago and got engaged 10 years ago for similar reasons. Neither woman was right for me but i went through the motions of commitment and both relationships fell down quite quickly. I have had a couple of other "semi-serious" relationships but always kept my distance.
The reasons probably boil down to an abusive relationship with my father in my teenage years and my mother leaving me with him. I also had a very close schoolgirl girlfriend who was very damaged (her mother died when she was 14) and she had a string of affairs and bounced between me and my former best friend. I guess something broke in me and I never recovered from the trauma of these events.
When I was 30 I had a bit of a breakdown about my fathers treatment - which I had always swept under the carpet - and went on an emotional roller coaster for a year. I suppose I took it out mentally on my then wife. I recovered but since then have a couple of episodes regarding partners past relationships usually when they have been used, abused or treated badly by a man in their life. In day to day life I am not a jealous or possessive person. Faithfulness has been an issue from me.
I have now been seeing a lady for 3 years and we have a fantastic relationship in many ways. We travel a lot and share a passion for doing things together. She moved in with me but backed away because I had my barriers up and , despite her being my best friend, I was reluctant or scared to 100% commit.
We fell out 3 weeks ago and I had an epiphany and realised what I always knew really - that she is the one for me and I want to fully commit to her (and to a woman properly for the first time in my life). Unfortunately this has resulted in my demons rearing up and I have taken to doing detective work on social media and interrogating her about past relationships. She has been in controlling relationships in the past and that obviously triggers me off in some ways and i try to trip her up." How long were with them for (no you werent, I have followed the timeline on Facebook) ". "Why did you stay with them for so long?" "Why were you with them in the first place?" etc. I see pictures of them together and get very upset - or imagine pictures if I cannot see them. I cant stop myself and have intrusive thoughts and imagine sexual activity between them.
I want this to stop now and want, for the first time in my life, to be open and honest with a life partner and be truly happy. My logical mind is blissfully happy that I have finally found the right lady at long last and I know that this behaviour is irrational. She is a little wary but is very supportive - we are best friends, soul mates even. I am determined to get rid of this once and for all.
Does anybody of any good face-to-face experts in the Midlands or in the South on this issue?

[Crazelnut]

Therapy. Lots and lots of therapy. Years of therapy. You have A LOT to grapple with before you can be healthy & safe in a relationship. 

[Alpacalia]

6 hours ago, SiSenor said:

Faithfulness has been an issue from me.

Does this imply that you've fought to stay faithful?

6 hours ago, SiSenor said:

Unfortunately this has resulted in my demons rearing up and I have taken to doing detective work on social media and interrogating her about past relationships. She has been in controlling relationships in the past and that obviously triggers me off in some ways and i try to trip her up." How long were with them for (no you werent, I have followed the timeline on Facebook) ". "Why did you stay with them for so long?" "Why were you with them in the first place?" etc. I see pictures of them together and get very upset - or imagine pictures if I cannot see them. I cant stop myself and have intrusive thoughts and imagine sexual activity between them.

You do this to try to prevent any unfavorable outcomes from occurring.

It's a way for you to relieve worry and comfort yourself that your fears are unfounded.

I agree that therapy is probably your best course of action.

Not just for yourself, but also for the sake of your relationship and your girlfriend's welfare.

 

[glows]

6 hours ago, SiSenor said:

We fell out 3 weeks ago and I had an epiphany and realised what I always knew really - that she is the one for me and I want to fully commit to her (and to a woman properly for the first time in my life). Unfortunately this has resulted in my demons rearing up and I have taken to doing detective work on social media and interrogating her about past relationships. She has been in controlling relationships in the past and that obviously triggers me off in some ways and i try to trip her up." How long were with them for (no you werent, I have followed the timeline on Facebook) ". "Why did you stay with them for so long?" "Why were you with them in the first place?" etc. I see pictures of them together and get very upset - or imagine pictures if I cannot see them. I cant stop myself and have intrusive thoughts and imagine sexual activity between them.

You can.. Ask yourself what good will come out of asking these questions. Most people will check themselves because it's not information that is any of their business or will know when certain questions are inappropriate/irrelevant. Your intent is to control a situation so you seek answers that you feel will give you some control or feel less helpless, as if knowing more minute details about past relationships will have an effect on how much you trust your partner now. There's some truth to that but don't go overboard. It becomes emotionally abusive and very controlling. I agree about seeing someone so you can separate yourself from this anxious, need to control a situation such that you're hurting or damaging your relationships.