How Best to Cope?

[SS2855]

I believe I’ve more or less finally ended a 3 year affair.  I have posted on here before so won’t rehash every detail of the relationship, but it had been like most affairs- extremely intoxicating. Words of love and affirmation shared between the two of us, feelings of intensity that both of us were trying to make sense of. The roller coaster of emotions, for me, in the end have broken me to someone I don’t recognize anymore. I feel like a shell and someone almost living outside of myself. It’s the only way I can describe it. The MM in my life had moved about 8 months ago but we still kept in contact and would see each other every month. At one point throughout the affair I thought I almost figured it out- figured out how to be ok with the crumbs ( discussed early on that he couldn’t/wasn’t going to leave his M- I never asked). I would find myself arguing to myself why it was worth it- the little bit of amazing was better than a lot of nothing special. I would be ok as long as I didn’t lose him. In the last few weeks my panic attacks started to become more frequent though and I hit the point where  I could no longer handle it all. Couldn’t cope with the time spent together and what he would say to me and how much we loved eachother and then literally feeling like I had to put it all away under lock and key. Fast forward- I had started to feel him grow a bit more distant in the last few weeks. He confided in me recently that a friend and colleague  (who knows both of us) confronted him and said he “knew” about us and that he and I are “an open secret” to some. He didn’t share much more but it’s been since then he has been distant. I felt it and reached out to end it. It wasn’t as black and white as it should have been, but I think we both knew we couldn’t go on this way. It’s been a week and I feel the lowest I’ve felt since I can remember. It’s the missing him and attachment but also the intrusive thoughts I tell myself- that he could have never felt so strongly about me as he’s conveyed all these years. That he is not impacted by the change in our relationship the way I have been these last few days even though he says otherwise. I don’t expect sympathy at all, and understand all of this I have brought on myself. Just looking for tips on how to best move forward knowing I’ll have to work through the emptiness and abandonment I’m feeling now.

[stillafool]

Just stay no contact, block him from contacting you and try to do better next time.  Good luck.

[glows]

3 hours ago, SS2855 said:

Just looking for tips on how to best move forward knowing I’ll have to work through the emptiness and abandonment I’m feeling now.

Keep telling yourself it didn't work and it hasn't worked at all in the past. As you put it, these were breadcrumbs. The emotions you are feeling are common after a break up - loss, a void, helplessness, shock, sadness and not knowing how to go on. Stay focused with your work and other commitments as much as possible and postpone things that aren't so important. Good for you for putting an end to this and moving on. 

[RebeccaR]

OP, are you also still married?

[Wiseman2]

There's a few things you can do. One is to get an evaluation for your mental and physical health from your physician and a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

The other is to address your own marriage and unhappiness. Either divorce or attempt marriage therapy.

The most important step in improving your well being is to stop living in this  "we'll leave our awful spouses and ride off into the sunset together" fantasy.

That means delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Once you address the real problems, you'll get real solutions. Hanging on to a lying cheater will simply be wasting your life away.

[SS2855]

15 hours ago, RebeccaR said:

OP, are you also still married?

I am but going through divorce process now. It’s the rock bottom of my existence now to date that I’m trying to get through. I appreciate your words @Wiseman2about getting the focus back on myself to get healthy- mentally and physically as this whole thing has impacted my self greatly. 

[Distraught1]

6 hours ago, SS2855 said:

I am but going through divorce process now. It’s the rock bottom of my existence now to date that I’m trying to get through. I appreciate your words @Wiseman2about getting the focus back on myself to get healthy- mentally and physically as this whole thing has impacted my self greatly. 

Please seek therapy. You can say everything you are going thru w/o judgement and with someone that will help you get through your divorce and end of your affair. I know how difficult this is for you to some degree. It's terrible, but you will get through this. Please seek some support. 

[Luna66star]

I can feel your distress as I went through a similar situation with MM at work.  Its been almost a year since we spoke.  I did no contact about 20 times before cutting it off entirely.  You may have tried this many times without success.  When I  feel low, depressed and hard to cope, MM would be my first go to.  In fact, recently I felt so lonely that I messaged him at work about some work related issue, just to talk to someone as a friend.  He replied excitedly a few times and that was it.  No further effort on his part - which is totally fine.  

I'm not getting too hard on myself for this as I'm at a low point. 

Be kind to yourself and realize detaching will take time.  Even if you get back in touch, it's okay but have a long term plan always.  To end this with eventually no contact. I kept beating myself up day and night for being what I thought was "weak".  I'm just human, a person trying to get through struggles in life.  Hearing from others on various foruums how my self esteem was low, how weak I was made things even worse.  I was at rock bottom like you.  I focused on self acceptance yet also realized changes needed to be made.  They did eventually happen with a complete stop to our communication.  

I hope you can find the way to compassion for yourself and forging a plan to be rid of this toxic relationship.

 

[SS2855]

5 hours ago, Distraught1 said:

Please seek therapy. You can say everything you are going thru w/o judgement and with someone that will help you get through your divorce and end of your affair. I know how difficult this is for you to some degree. It's terrible, but you will get through this. Please seek some support. 

Thank you so much. I have my second session next Tuesday and as I get to know the therapist I’m hoping she is a good fit to help me (not always easy finding a good one to feel comfortable with!). 

[SS2855]

3 hours ago, Luna66star said:

I can feel your distress as I went through a similar situation with MM at work.  Its been almost a year since we spoke.  I did no contact about 20 times before cutting it off entirely.  You may have tried this many times without success.  When I  feel low, depressed and hard to cope, MM would be my first go to.  In fact, recently I felt so lonely that I messaged him at work about some work related issue, just to talk to someone as a friend.  He replied excitedly a few times and that was it.  No further effort on his part - which is totally fine.  

I'm not getting too hard on myself for this as I'm at a low point. 

Be kind to yourself and realize detaching will take time.  Even if you get back in touch, it's okay but have a long term plan always.  To end this with eventually no contact. I kept beating myself up day and night for being what I thought was "weak".  I'm just human, a person trying to get through struggles in life.  Hearing from others on various foruums how my self esteem was low, how weak I was made things even worse.  I was at rock bottom like you.  I focused on self acceptance yet also realized changes needed to be made.  They did eventually happen with a complete stop to our communication.  

I hope you can find the way to compassion for yourself and forging a plan to be rid of this toxic relationship.

 

After a year do you still find yourself wanting to reach out to him? I’m in a situation too where we work together. I don’t have to see him much but he’s still “there” all over my inbox. I think the most difficult thing I’m finding is that I use him as this salve to make me feel better- yet he’s the reason why I feel so awful. Like I’ll feel so LOW and then just today for example we talked - not a ton about us but a big issue he is going through and I found that once I hung up I felt better just having contact with him to soothe me. Even when the conversation was mostly around me making him feel better and giving support for an issue that HE is dealing with. It was eye opening- for him to share how distraught he’s been because of said issue (a professional issue- and significant yes even I have to admit would have me undone) all the while I’m feeling the same level of distraught but because of he and I. I found it hard to listen to him lament about the problem as it’s rocked him, but he described it with the same emotion and gutted feeling that I have over HIM (unbeknownst to him). He actually described his current predicament as  “feeling like the worse break up in the world”. As if unaware that we’ve taken a break/ended, or so I’ve thought, and he clearly isn’t feeling the way he’s feeling now with this issue, but over a loss of me if that makes sense. Unless he thinks he didn’t lose me- I have no idea. So it sends me in a tailspin. I think of only two weeks ago this serious one of many affirmations from him not being able to “make sense” of how much he loves me and how when he experiences something it’s me he wants by his side. I’m his “favorite person”. It’s moments like that that bring me to confusion, as I listen and be a “friend” to hear out his pain and empathize only because I know that pain- but if he only knew in what context that I could relate. It’s a lot I’m sorry. Just so many thoughts and confusion of if he ever loved me the way he said he does, and still does. Or he’s maybe the normal one where a relationship like this isn’t something that could rock him negatively (loss etc.) like it clearly has me. I know I have so much to work through it’s very clear. If I can share there is an audiobook called “Mr. Unavailable and the Fall Back Girl” and it’s about the best straightforward talk advice I’ve heard- recommendation if it helps! 

[Luna66star]

I get the urge to contact him when I'm stressed at work or due to a personal problem.  Get this, I don't discuss my problems with him but just hearing his familiar voice calms me.  Many times over the last 8 months I wanted to reach out but didn't for fear of becoming attached again.  He's always so nice and kind to me.  Yet covertly there was abuse such as ignoring messages/calls, mentioning other female friends, chasing other women in front of me at work, disappearing with no word.  Or talking about how things are getting better at home.  All the while still stringing me along with breadcrumbs.

Your recount of how he loads all his troubles on to you is a common tactic by MM to endear us to them.  We feel sorry for their plight and  believe their sharing this stuff equates to intimacy between us.  Our giving nature wants to help, to hug them, to sleep with them. 

Perhaps your MM does love you but I'm afraid he's not willing to give up his marriage for some reason.  Maybe he's torn up about it.  It's very hard for a man to leave a long time marriage even if they're not happy.  There's the lawyers, court, losing half of everything, including his home, pension and the kids if any.  If he gets along with the wife as a friend, even without sex, that's where you come in.

Bingo, he gets to eat his cake and eat it too.  Then there's you put away in a box for when he needs you .

Perhaps you can talk to him occasionally, if it lifts your spirits, but don't allow a physical relationship to continue any longer.  Just be a casual friend.  That's how I now see my ex AP.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Distraught1]

12 hours ago, Luna66star said:

I get the urge to contact him when I'm stressed at work or due to a personal problem.  Get this, I don't discuss my problems with him but just hearing his familiar voice calms me.  Many times over the last 8 months I wanted to reach out but didn't for fear of becoming attached again.  He's always so nice and kind to me.  Yet covertly there was abuse such as ignoring messages/calls, mentioning other female friends, chasing other women in front of me at work, disappearing with no word.  Or talking about how things are getting better at home.  All the while still stringing me along with breadcrumbs.

Your recount of how he loads all his troubles on to you is a common tactic by MM to endear us to them.  We feel sorry for their plight and  believe their sharing this stuff equates to intimacy between us.  Our giving nature wants to help, to hug them, to sleep with them. 

Perhaps your MM does love you but I'm afraid he's not willing to give up his marriage for some reason.  Maybe he's torn up about it.  It's very hard for a man to leave a long time marriage even if they're not happy.  There's the lawyers, court, losing half of everything, including his home, pension and the kids if any.  If he gets along with the wife as a friend, even without sex, that's where you come in.

Bingo, he gets to eat his cake and eat it too.  Then there's you put away in a box for when he needs you .

Perhaps you can talk to him occasionally, if it lifts your spirits, but don't allow a physical relationship to continue any longer.  Just be a casual friend.  That's how I now see my ex AP.  

The one thing I will say in reading all of these posts is that you (I) might think that the connection we have made with this person (MM) is very special but as I am reading the stories and reasons behind them are all so very similar.

My MM told me before we moved from friends to more that his wife cheated on him and he was broken. That he had feelings for me before this discovery and that what she did now justified him telling me his feelings about me with hopes that I felt the same. GOD! How flipping dysfunctional  - out of the gate - and I went for that! I felt so bad for him that he was hurting and that he would confide in me. I comforted him alright. And then came the...what we have is so special, you are the most beautiful women I have ever seen, you are so smart and interesting, I can be by true self with you and only you, I dream about our next encounter, I can't wait to kiss your delicate lips, it's not just sex with you...you are the whole package. Sound familiar?!? How could one not be completely pulled under with all of this unless you knew it was just BS. I'm typing this out and still questioning if it was BS and it must be! Trying so hard to disengage but my mind is having a hard time walking away from the intoxicating words/feelings even if my heart knows that's all they are. It is similar to an addiction - there is a void that needs to be filled. This forum is helping me to see that what I have with this man is not special, if anything it's more toxic than I realized.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited October 8, 2021 by Distraught1

[Luna66star]

Distraught.  I think you hit the point right on.  Cognitive dissonance can really rack your brain!  Was this real or not?  The question turns over and over in our minds, until we are a mess!  Thing is, we will never know for certain.  Yet your point about how MM situations sound so identical in what they say, makes a light bulb go off, screaming "I've been played"!!😟

[SS2855]

On 10/8/2021 at 11:52 AM, Distraught1 said:

 

Oh my this all does sound very familiar as I’ve received the same words over the last 3 years (you are the most perfect woman to exist, there is nobody more beautiful or kind or sweet or loving on this earth, I miss you and feel lost without you, etc. etc.). Do I believe this is all a blatant conscious lie they tell us knowingly? No. But I do think MM truly believe this while they are saying it because to them we ARE close to perfect in their eyes  since we exist in a small package in their life that has no association with bills, laundry, child issues, etc. my MM has only seen me looking my best but not the “real” me and real habits at home on a regular day - like I haven’t seen of him. So yes it’s BS but I don’t think it’s conjured in a conscious way to fool us. I think it’s careless words with them mistaking us for this super being because we really seem too good to be true- no complaints, worries, stress to them. We’ll see them whenever and wherever with no accountability to them for giving us more. Of course they think they love us too. And yes @Distraught1my MM comes from a similar brokenness (not the situation u mention but def some distinction in the household). I think in a way we are all broken people searching for other broken people.

[SS2855]

On 10/7/2021 at 11:36 PM, Luna66star said:

I get the urge to contact him when I'm stressed at work or due to a personal problem.  Get this, I don't discuss my problems with him but just hearing his familiar voice calms me.  Many times over the last 8 months I wanted to reach out but didn't for fear of becoming attached again.  He's always so nice and kind to me.  Yet covertly there was abuse such as ignoring messages/calls, mentioning other female friends, chasing other women in front of me at work, disappearing with no word.  Or talking about how things are getting better at home.  All the while still stringing me along with breadcrumbs.

Your recount of how he loads all his troubles on to you is a common tactic by MM to endear us to them.  We feel sorry for their plight and  believe their sharing this stuff equates to intimacy between us.  Our giving nature wants to help, to hug them, to sleep with them. 

Perhaps your MM does love you but I'm afraid he's not willing to give up his marriage for some reason.  Maybe he's torn up about it.  It's very hard for a man to leave a long time marriage even if they're not happy.  There's the lawyers, court, losing half of everything, including his home, pension and the kids if any.  If he gets along with the wife as a friend, even without sex, that's where you come in.

Bingo, he gets to eat his cake and eat it too.  Then there's you put away in a box for when he needs you .

Perhaps you can talk to him occasionally, if it lifts your spirits, but don't allow a physical relationship to continue any longer.  Just be a casual friend.  That's how I now see my ex AP.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you. In my heart (and I know you know the same for you) we deserve better and need to be better to get better. I know I do. I’m sincerely hoping to heal and make amends to myself for partaking in something so damaging to myself and certainly what could have been horrible pain to others. 

[Distraught1]

4 minutes ago, SS2855 said:

So yes it’s BS but I don’t think it’s conjured in a conscious way to fool us.

I think men know what women want to hear. Women also know what men want to hear. If we recognize that we both are in this for a fantasy, than it is in fact BS.

1) I know what she wants to hear to make her feel good and need this

2) I know what he needs to hear to make him feel good and want me

3) We will never be together or reveal to the world our relationship

Futile B.S. but yes we are broken and somehow even though we know this we pursue it to fill our void. Guilty.

[Distraught1]

9 minutes ago, SS2855 said:

Thank you. In my heart (and I know you know the same for you) we deserve better and need to be better to get better. I know I do. I’m sincerely hoping to heal and make amends to myself for partaking in something so damaging to myself and certainly what could have been horrible pain to others. 

SS - I'm on the same path. I'm hoping to heal and make amends as well. I've been NC for 4 days and it's been mental gymnastics for sure. I'm trying so hard to hold out until Tuesday when I can talk to my therapist again and hold myself accountable and stay strong. One day I hope this will seem ridiculous to me but right now I am struggling a bit. Moments of strength and then those of longing. YOU ARE WORTH IT!

Edited October 10, 2021 by Distraught1

[Luna66star]

SS.  You make a really good point about the illusion MM have about us.  That we're perfect.  MM said that to me in the moment many times. He probably meant it at the time.  Of course he only saw me when I was looking at my best.  Hair done up nice, feeling great and we'll dressed. I'm thinking that's what he liked best, including my willingness to listen to all his problems.  

We are an escape for them.  I wouldn't say all their words are BS but the good ones boost our ego.  At least they did for me.  He made me feel good too.  That was the catch.  I think however we have to be realistic in that this will always in most cases be a casual thing.  And not to take things seriously at all.  

My lesson learned!

 

 

[Myabee]

I would advise going no contact as best you can. I mean I will be honest and say that’s not easy and you could have some cave in’s. However, you deserve to be the whole cake not the crumbs. That analogy helped me. Xx

[SS2855]

12 hours ago, Myabee said:

I would advise going no contact as best you can. I mean I will be honest and say that’s not easy and you could have some cave in’s. However, you deserve to be the whole cake not the crumbs. That analogy helped me. Xx

Yes that is what I’m working hard to do this week. One day down, 4 more to go in the work week. He called me today for something work related and I gave him a quick response and wrapped it up- not cold just as normal as I could be. I actually am finding that I’m not struggling much at all to reach out to him (mentally the desire just isn’t there I think because I know I’m done with at least trying to prove any worth and continuing to feel foolish) it’s more just wishing he would reach out to me and tell me he’s hurting too. We haven’t communicated on the app we use in several days. Its silly but wow do I miss seeing that notification of a new message. I miss him so much but I’m struggling more with what feels like his flippancy with how this just all… stopped. He has a “crisis” he’s dealing with yes but that’s just highlighted for me how low my value really is in his life, even though it was the one thing he would always come back to- that at the end of the day he realizes how much he needs me in his life. Now? Feels like it just never existed. That’s the part I’m struggling with. 

[Distraught1]

12 hours ago, SS2855 said:

I miss him so much but I’m struggling more with what feels like his flippancy with how this just all… stopped. He has a “crisis” he’s dealing with yes but that’s just highlighted for me how low my value really is in his life, even though it was the one thing he would always come back to- that at the end of the day he realizes how much he needs me in his life. Now? Feels like it just never existed. That’s the part I’m struggling with. 

If he comes back and tells you how much he needs you in his life and is less flippant...then what?

[SS2855]

13 hours ago, Distraught1 said:

If he comes back and tells you how much he needs you in his life and is less flippant...then what?

Oh I don’t foresee it . It’s not his style. He is very set in his ways. If it does happen I really don’t foresee my self being able to continue like we were. Too many days have passed for this to ever just pick up where we left off. Maybe I’m naïve but just see this staying dead- so now for me it’s about how do I get through the days. 

[glows]

25 minutes ago, SS2855 said:

Oh I don’t foresee it . It’s not his style. He is very set in his ways. If it does happen I really don’t foresee my self being able to continue like we were. Too many days have passed for this to ever just pick up where we left off. Maybe I’m naïve but just see this staying dead- so now for me it’s about how do I get through the days. 

Stick to a routine whether you like it or not and just get things done. Over time you'll start to take a genuine interest in hobbies and new interests all over again on your own but that takes time and determination, just keep doing you and doing all the things you would have done if he never stepped into your life. You were you before you met him afterall.