Looking for a woman's point of view.

[Stormcrazy]

Hello everyone, thank you for taking the time to read my story.

Some background, I am 44 years old,  divorced going on 8 years now with three amazing children, ages 11, and 9 year old twins, and blessed to say that their mother and I are friends with a good parenting relationship in which I am blessed to have.

Two and half years ago I met a woman that lit up my world really for the very first time.  We connected in ways I have never experienced in another woman and we fell in love purely.  We saw each other every other weekend as our lives allowed due to her children being older 21, 18 and our time together was filled to the brim with amazing times.  We always turned to nature and music to gain experiences which when Covid hit, nature was the only way we were able to connect and share experiences.   We made it through that difficult time.

I have been striving to earn my degree the last 2 years in Computer Science, in part to her helping to light the flame that allowed me to see, I needed to discover more within myself.  She made me want to be a better man and person. I always knew I was capable, but never had the guidance as a child to explore my options.  My parents were divorced when I was 5 and I held every emotion inside and never let it out.  I would just run from it until finally the emotion would burst and I would cry it out, and move on.  Little did I know then that not dealing with my issues and child within in me in a healthy way, would it be the very reason I lost the woman I still hold and love in my heart.

As school became hard, my time and mind were taking me from the relationship.  Our schedules never allowed for family parties together, birthday parties for my kids that had to be scheduled on "off' weekends, she couldn't do because she was with her children.  I wanted more of her because I always envisioned a girlfriend being apart of those events for my kids and should want to be there.  It was selfish and many times I understood, and other times it hurt.  But still we knew what the end game would hopefully be, 10 years down the road when my kids were old enough to explore their own lives, we would finally have our world together.  She was willing to date me for that long until that time came.  I was too, until I wanted more from her sooner than what was possible.  These things I wanted were true in the moment, but that all changed the moment I learned what life without her truly was like.  What mattered to me then, I grew learn was not worth the loss of such an important person in  my life.

4 months ago, it all came to hit me, the overwhelming.  She had many down days that life was bringing her down, and seeing her frown, it scared the s*** out of me.  I thought "I" wasn't making her happy.  I convinced myself that I was causing her to not feel peace in these moments she would go "numb" to the hardships she was facing in her life.  When I should have shown compassion, being her man and best friend, to hear her feelings, I turned her emotions and made them about me and how they made me feel.  And at that time, there was the kid in me, I ran.  I did not know how to help her and the overwhelming was too much for me to handle in my present state.  This feeling grew and grew, and one Wednesday night after work, when we would always meet, I did the most hurtful despicable thing, I ended our relationship right there in the restaurant, without even knowing before I walked in there it was going to happen then.  I completely blindsided her with this selfish act, disrespected all of the investing of our time and grateful memories together, and walked away from her that night.  I was feeling relief, while she was feeling like her world was just flipped upside down.

She reached out a few times after, trying to get clarification.  I would respond but tell her to stop as it was just making things worse.  She did stop, but for once a month she would text me and I would respond, but then it happened. I began to realize, that the problem I had was internal.  It had everything to do with my inability my entire life to talk about my childhood and how to learn to talk and let out emotions, particularly with women.  As I reflected back on my life, very past relationship failed because I did not know how face this inner child in me.  I realized this a month ago and the lightbulb went on and I began to work and get professional help.  The emotion of losing her and the regret and horrible pain I put her through was and still is so hard to bare.  I truly did not mean to hurt her and I was coming from a foreign place within my admitted insecurities.  I reached out to her with an emotional message to see her in which she agreed to meet me.  The meeting went well and I explained everything in hopes she would return and give me another chance.  She messaged me the next day telling me she couldn't go back to me and go down the same road and that I was unhealthy in her healing and that she was in a good place.  The child came out again, fought and chased, of course we all know what happens then, she distanced further away from me, told me there was no chance now, and that maybe one day when the time heals the pain.  I still was hurt, confused, and selfish as to why she did not want me back, sending more emails.  Then came the Guns N Roses concert where she knew I would be there, as we both loved that band.  She came up to me and touched my arm, smiled at me, and I was drawn to her.  I couldn't keep my eyes off her, and I eventually saw who she was there with, a new man.  She had been drinking a lot I could tell.  And I saw them kiss and it was a dagger through my heart. I couldn't stay near her any longer, I walked by and told her goodbye and walked away.  My whole world had been ripped apart on the inside.  All from my actions and the guilt of what I brought on myself 4 months prior, hit me like a truck.  I forced these chain of events in to being.

Finally during a therapy session, I came to realize the horrible mistakes and disrespect I was causing her all this time in trying to get her back.  I went about it completely wrong.  I just made the hole deeper.  I thought she would just come running back when she saw I had came to my senses.  Truth is she was in a good place until I came back in the picture.  I flipped her world again.  So here we are today, could you believe she agreed to meet me one more time a week and half ago?  To sit down and truly apologize for my actions in overwhelming her what I had finally learned about myself.  I wrote out a letter explaining how I know where I wronged her, taking fault for the ways I disrespected her, losing her trust, and ensured her that I would leave her be to heal.  To give her the credit she deserved to hear for all the great things she did and was to me, and still is.  Not out of a place to get her back, but to truly honor the great relationship and fun we had.  She was moved by my words and felt everything, accepted my apologies for the way I had acted, and I left that night prepared to never hear from her again.

But I did hear from her again, she reached out and told me that she missed me.  She reminded me that she was still hanging out with the man I saw her with at the concert and that she didn't know what I expected from her.  I told her I did not expect anything from her.  She responded with explaining more about what she wanted from me during these down "numb" moments she experienced in our relationship.  We were talking and sharing like we should have when we were together.  It felt healthy and nice to hear about her feelings.  We talked an hour on the phone a week ago and she cried and laughed at the things I shared she never knew.  She was extremely thankful for the conversation and confided she was unsure what to do now.  She even tentatively agreed to meet me this Saturday for a walk to talk some more. But again reminded me she was defending this new guy she met, that was there for her during a time I was not, that made her feel good.  She did not feel like it was fair to him to just end things.  I explained that she had every right to explore that option if that is where her heart was leading her.  That I had my chance but had to earn back her trust to begin something new if that time should come she felt that within her again.  To take the time she needed to heal and explore herself while I continued on my path to being the best version of me.  Which I have religiously taken on.  I have been working out and feeling better and better each day to a new improved me,  She began downgrading what was going on with him, and I could hear the struggle and I ended the conversation with, "Sami, I am through hurting you and causing more confusion and pain in your life.  You know where I stand, thank you for sharing your feelings with me.  I will leave you be now to give you the time you are asking for to figure things out." 

She agreed to allow me to send her a song that I wrote for her, being the musician I am, and that was the end of the talk.  The next morning she responded to the song and these were the last of our exchanges, and I am having a hard time figuring out what she is doing now.  Is she letting me down easy? Is she really thinking of getting back together with me?  I trust the words she says.  I have not broken my vow in telling her I would give her peace and silence now to figure things out.  Ofcourse I want to see how she is doing, but that would go against the words I told her I would honor now while she is taking time for peace and clarity.  I would appreciate a woman's point of view and thoughts on what is going through her mind.  I have my own thoughts that can play tricks with my head, but I quickly move them aside in order to live my life healthy, while doing the things I need to self grow. Here our our last exchanges from a week ago.  Thank you so much for taking the time to read our story.

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Her:

I liked your song. I hear you Chris. I feel it all. I get the magnitude of what I need to figure out before I reach out again. It's a massive choice of the heart. Mercury retrograde starts today. I don't make any choices that are life altering during that time.

Forever in my thoughts and I will be sorting thru all of that. Knowing one choice will forever change my course. It's overwhelming right now.

Me:

Good morning, I am glad you liked the song and felt it. I know the magnitude and I pray for clarity during this time. Please trust I will honor what you need.

Retrograde runs through the 18th, given your message I am wondering then if 10/9 would make sense to keep anymore since Retrograde will still be active. Not that your basing your complete decision on that date, I just want to be there for you and make things the easiest for you during this time. No need to let me know now.

Her:

"I use my words to hurt you like you hurt me. I use them as both a weapon and a shield.  It's time I lay down my armor.  I trust that balance will be restored in injustice situations.  And that in turn, love, peace, and grace will conquer above all else.

Me:

This is truly an amazing uplifting passage. Not only for the obvious of reasons, but to me it captures the past, the present, and the future in the most positive of light, all in one thought. Thank you for sharing this. I did not mean to worry you in my call. Have an amazing day! I hope that cold of yours is close to biting the dust. You sounded so much better

Her:

Sorry that caught me off guard. I'm just saying last night I feel like daggers were buried. I feel we know where we are. I feel there is much respect and adoration. Just need some more work internally.

Me:

Couldn't agree more. Seeing you use these two words in association with me again, well…I don't know how my day can get any better. Thank you for expressing this to me.

On a side note….it was so nice hearing your laugh again last night on my my embarrassing behalf hahaha!

 

And that is the last I have heard from her.  That was over a week ago.  I love her beyond words.  And have truly become a better me because of what I had to go though in all of this.  A new relationship with her or another would have never worked in my past state.  I am just wondering if anyone can give me a clue as to what she is thinking and if truly is trying to make up her mind, or if she already knows and just letting me down easy.  All I know is this was the said woman that said there was no chance, to admitting she missed me, and now she needs time to process internally.  Thank you so much!

Chris

 

 

 

[vla1120]

46 minutes ago, Stormcrazy said:

And have truly become a better me because of what I had to go though in all of this.

I cannot tell you what she's thinking, but regardless of what happens with her, this ^^^ is what you should take away from the experience. You may not get another chance with her, but if you've discovered ways that you have been destructive to relationships in the past, perhaps your future relationships will thrive because of it. 

Follow through on your promise to give her space and time. Take that time to continue to work on yourself. I give you a lot of credit for exploring your own perceived shortcomings to become a better man. 

[spiderowl]

It's great that you have taken time to learn about yourself and what affected you in previous relationships.

I do not know what this woman is thinking; her messages seem as vague as anything and if she is a believer in astrology then I guess you need to take that into consideration.

Nothing in what she says suggests to me that she is thinking of getting back together with you.  It suggests she is seeing glimpses of the person she was happy with but she makes no real reference to the future.

I know you adore her but, as you have revealed yourself to her and she knows where you stand, I would allow her a specific amount of time (mentally, in your own head) for her to say if she wants to be with you or not.  Once that time has passed, I would move on.

You need some closure in this, either from her or self-imposed, because you are still stuck on her.  She has probably moved on.  She has a new friend and basically she can afford to take her time and enjoy the admiration she is receiving from both of you.  Giving yourself a deadline by which time you move on may help you.

[Nothanks]

The ball is in her court now. She knows how you feel.  She can contact you if she wants to try again. Nobody knows what she is thinking. Since you asked for a woman’s perspective though, I can tell you that if I was seeing someone, it was going really well and then out of the blue you broke up with me which was followed by more push/pull behaviour, I’d be very hesitant to try again (especially if I was seeing someone else who was more consistent in his feelings).  

[Wiseman2]

On 10/6/2021 at 2:18 PM, Stormcrazy said:

   She messaged me the next day telling me she couldn't go back to me and go down the same road and that I was unhealthy in her healing and that she was in a good place.  

^^^ This is the only "woman's point of view" you need.

[Alpacalia]

Agree with Wiseman2.

I'm guessing she's conflicted and worried whether she can trust you not to hurt her again.

She's also seeing someone else at the moment, which will affect her decision but also make it easier for her to remove herself from you.

Your ex appears to have been a terrific way to facilitate you in concentrating on yourself, or at the very least a desire for you to grow during your time together.

When you're ready to commit to a new individual, aim to be in a position where you can choose someone who won't interfere with your capacity to focus.