I struggle with being verbally expressive/vulnerable with my bf

[hope18]

Hi everyone!

So I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. Our relationship is incredible, we are very close, have great communication, and love each other so much. We've never had any major issues except for disagreements about little things here and there, but we always talk those out together in a healthy manner and never actually "fight". 

My boyfriend is very, very open and verbally expressive. He showers me with love and compliments and dirty talk in bed, things like that. I on the other hand, struggle a lot with being vocal about things like that. I am so attracted to him and think he is so handsome, sexy, hot, etc. And I have these thoughts constantly in my head. However for some reason I feel so awkward vocalizing these thoughts to him. It's almost like I'm afraid he's going to think it's weird or reject them, even though I KNOW how much he would appreciate hearing those things. The same goes for dirty talk, he just says whatever comes to mind and I love it. And he loves when I return that talk, but unless I've been drinking and have some liquid courage I usually feel so awkward and shy and don't know what to say so I kind of just lay there and let him take the lead lol. He never pressures me into dirty talking and never begs me for compliments, but I know he secretly wants these things and I want to work on them because I love him so much and I know how much he would appreciate them. Everyone deserves to feel desired by their partner. Especially when it comes to complimenting him just throughout the day because he has been having some very bad body image issues recently. I want to be able to tell him how attractive he still is to me, how handsome I think he is and every physical thing I love about him. And I have no issue saying any of this over text, same with dirty talk. But when it comes down to saying these thoughts that I have out loud in person, it almost feels like there is something physically blocking me from vocalizing these thoughts. I want to so badly, but the words just won't come out in the moment even though they're bouncing around my head. It's not like I never compliment him because I do, but usually about what he's wearing or his hair or just a "you look good today" and I want to be doing more than that. 

What can I do to work on this? We have been dating for two years and there is literally zero reason for me to be so shy in this way. I am so comfortable around him and he is so vocal with me that I feel I shouldn't be so shy about returning that. This is a me problem and may just be some hidden fear of rejection or of being vulnerable and expressing my thoughts? I just love him so much and I want to be able to express how much he means to me and not just through a text. He deserves that, and I know it's something I need to fix but I just don't know how. I want to be on that level of vulnerability and carefree-ness with him so badly and I'm the only thing holding me back. If anyone else has experienced this, please tell me what you've done to move past it.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, hope18 said:

What can I do to work on this? 

Have you heard the phrase "if it's not broken, don't fix it"?

People express love passion, affection, etc. in a multitude of ways. Much of it is not verbal to begin with.

Strive to be yourself, not a mirror image of him.

[hope18]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you heard the phrase "if it's not broken, don't fix it"?

People express love passion, affection, etc. in a multitude of ways. Much of it is not verbal to begin with.

Strive to be yourself, not a mirror image of him.

Thank you for this response. I definitely don't want to change who I am and I know I show my love quite often through actions rather than words, however I do also believe that relationships are about compromise sometimes and taking the needs of the other person into consideration even if that means stepping out of your comfort zone once in a while. My boyfriend greatly appreciates both actions and verbal expressions of love/affection, and I would love to be able to give him that. I feel that being vocally vulnerable with him more often, even if it's just compliments, could bring what is already an amazing relationship to another level. It may not be broken or need to be fixed, but he deserves to feel loved and attractive in the same way that he makes me feel loved and attractive. I know that I make him feel this through my actions, but I also know how nice it is for me to hear that verbal confirmation from him, and I know that he wants that from me too but won't tell me that because he wouldn't want me to feel like he's trying to change who I am. This is also something I WANT to work on for myself, not just for him. I feel if I can get to that level of vulnerability I'll feel so much more free and even more comfortable than I already am with him.

Edited October 6, 2021 by hope18

[FMW]

In my current relationship I'm a lot more physically affectionate but less verbal than I have been in other relationships.  I have no idea why.  But I'm communicating my feelings for him very clearly, even if non-verbally.  

As long as your boyfriend isn't expressing unhappiness with it, don't stress about it.  If and when you're comfortable being more verbal, you will be.  Until then just keep doing what you've been doing.

[glows]

Has he shown you any signs that he's judgmental or looks down on certain things? You may not be used to speaking up for yourself in general. If he says one thing (not having to do with sex but daily life) do you always agree or do you come up with other ways of doing things that may be better? What risk are you taking saying what you feel or what you think if it's between him and you? There may be some subjects that are you think are taboo so identify those and have fun with it. He has a mind of his own and can tell you if he's not into those things also. 

[hope18]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

Has he shown you any signs that he's judgmental or looks down on certain things? You may not be used to speaking up for yourself in general. If he says one thing (not having to do with sex but daily life) do you always agree or do you come up with other ways of doing things that may be better? What risk are you taking saying what you feel or what you think if it's between him and you? There may be some subjects that are you think are taboo so identify those and have fun with it. He has a mind of his own and can tell you if he's not into those things also. 

I think these questions right here are why I'm so frustrated with myself lol. No, he has never given me any signs that he's judgmental or would look down on anything like that. I know he wouldn't judge me if I said the things I'm thinking about him, in fact I know he would love it. So that's why I don't understand what's stopping me when I want to get to that level of vulnerability so badly. The funny thing is I'm never afraid to stick up for myself, not just when it comes to our disagreements but with other people in general. I'm a very honest person in all other areas of my life. If I don't agree with something he suggests then I'm totally fine offering him my own suggestions. 

I think you're right that I need to just have fun with it and remember that if for some reason he doesn't like what I'm doing/saying he'll tell me. I think I just take vocal affection and vulnerability too seriously.

[hope18]

14 minutes ago, FMW said:

In my current relationship I'm a lot more physically affectionate but less verbal than I have been in other relationships.  I have no idea why.  But I'm communicating my feelings for him very clearly, even if non-verbally.  

As long as your boyfriend isn't expressing unhappiness with it, don't stress about it.  If and when you're comfortable being more verbal, you will be.  Until then just keep doing what you've been doing.

Thank you for this, I have been trying to remind myself to find a balance between being a little more verbal for his needs, but also being mindful that I communicate my feelings in other ways and that's not something I totally need to change about myself.

He hasn't directly expressed unhappiness, but he has so many insecurities about himself physically and I'm worried that they stem from him believing that I don't think he's attractive. As far as the dirty talk, my not being vocal in bed doesn't totally bother him, but he has said that he wishes I would initiate things more and take control sometimes because that would make him feel like I want him, instead of thinking "she's just doing this because I initiated it," if that makes sense.

[glows]

That's all the fun being in a  safe and loving relationship. You can be free to express yourself in this context. If it's a mutually respectful relationship, you both already have that understanding. And don't limit yourself to the bedroom either. Surprise him. Enjoy whatever you want to be and him too.

[hope18]

5 minutes ago, glows said:

That's all the fun being in a  safe and loving relationship. You can be free to express yourself in this context. If it's a mutually respectful relationship, you both already have that understanding. And don't limit yourself to the bedroom either. Surprise him. Enjoy whatever you want to be and him too.

Wow I love this. Thank you so much, I hadn't really thought of it that way!