9 year long emotional affair & now sexting

[Honestlycurious]

My story is fairly similar to most.. Only we have not had a physical affair. But to give a synopsis of where I stand... 

Co-worker became instant close friend, where there was an immediate attraction from the beginning, which I always believed to be mutual but was not sure. However we were both in relationships, so we always kept things friendly. But, after a few months we shared a kiss on a work night out, however we both stopped it from going further, as we knew it was wrong. 

Flash forward 9 years and though we have both moved on to different places of work we have remained in contact with each other and I am now married with children and they are in a serious and committed relationship. 

However despite the committed relationships that we are in we haven't cut contact with each other and in the past 2 or so years it has evolved from flirting to flat out sexting - explicitly fantasising about what we'd do, etc. It's often mentioned - I wonder how it would be if we met, but honestly I don't think it is on either of our agendas to ever do so. 

Our contact is not what I would consider to be on "emotional affair" level, ie texting everyday, talking feelings - we only text about once a month or so, however I often have them in my mind and can't shake it. Also we have both admitted texting each other is an act of escapism for us. It boosts the ego and honestly, it actually improves my sex life with my spouse. I feel the urge to be intimate with them in the week or so following a sext marathon with my AP, in an otherwise sexless marriage where I am the only one who initiates - way to feel attractive, eh! 

We have called out that we probably shouldn't be doing it anymore and tried on a couple of occasions to go NC, but we are good friends as well as everything else, so it's hard. However I am afraid that despite the fact we've gone 9 years without being physical, at some point it may just end up happening and that worries me. I don't want that. As much as I may dream it - it's not a real life urge. However I feel like my only other option is cold turkey which I don't want either, as I will desperately miss them. 

I'm on here for advice, opinions on what it is I actually have going on here... And mostly to just say it out loud, as I haven't spoken to anyone about this and it has its moments where it eats me alive. 

TIA everyone. 

[vla1120]

I'm in the "stop-doing-this-before-it-ruins-your-marriage" camp. If you love your spouse and want it to work, then work harder on your marriage. Have you spoken to your spouse about the lack of sex in your marriage? Go to counseling (even if your spouse won't go with you). As far as your AP, you mention being "good friends". No. A good friend would not want to engage in activity that will be harmful to your family life. If you are only texting about once a month, it shouldn't be that hard to go NC. If I were you, I would tell your AP that you wish them much luck, but you are going to work to improve your marriage, and you cannot do that while anticipating those sexts from your AP.

[mark clemson]

31 minutes ago, Honestlycurious said:

I'm on here for advice, opinions on what it is I actually have going on here...

Sounds like you have essentially a band-aid on an emotionally/sexually unsatisfying marriage. Quite common from what I understand.

What you intend to do about that is, of course, your decision.

VLA's advice that this might blow up your marriage is solid IMO. If your husband is unhappy as well it might be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

Where is your husband receiving his intimacy, or is he actually content in a low-sex marriage? A question you need to think about IMO.

[Honestlycurious]

1 hour ago, vla1120 said:

Have you spoken to your spouse about the lack of sex in your marriage?

On a number of occasions I have pleaded for more attention and intimacy, but it always gets taken on board for a couple weeks and then it's forgotten again. I honestly believe going to counselling will have the same affect - it's not that we aren't good at talking, he just isn't good at maintaining his promises. 

I know deep down that it is a case of quit while I'm ahead, however unlike a cigarette or other addiction you can't cut down or anything like that - it doesn't work. So it's hard to envision a full cut off. 

Also like cigarettes - while he is enjoyable, makes me feel good, is a comfort and stress reliever and all those other things you get from an addiction, I also know he is unhealthy for me just like they are too and I have to quit.... But I can't go to no drugstore and get a patch for this!!! 

Edited October 6, 2021 by Honestlycurious
Spelling error

[Honestlycurious]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

Where is your husband receiving his intimacy, or is he actually content in a low-sex marriage? A question you need to think about IMO.

I think he just doesn't have any drive once the day is done and its the last thing on his mind. As I said in previous reply, we have spoke about the issue. He always says "but you know I love you, its always implied", which is not enough for me. I need to feel it. Maybe our love language is different, but it's still an issue driving a wedge between us. If I initiate it's reciprocated fine, but if I don't it could be months without anything 😞

[glows]

That this affair has been ongoing for longer than you've been married, you probably need a lot more support than going cold turkey. The life that you've built up with your spouse depends on the health also of this affair because whether you like it or not, your happiness is comprised of the affair and your life with your spouse, both together. Removing the affair means dealing with the current issues with your spouse. Otherwise.. you are only back at square one, left with an unhappy marriage and a void of emotions and intimacy. 

Why not try individual counselling if your spouse isn't willing to join you for couple's counselling? If anything it'll help you clarify whether this marriage is working for you.

[Honestlycurious]

8 minutes ago, glows said:

The life that you've built up with your spouse depends on the health also of this affair because whether you like it or not, your happiness is comprised of the affair and your life with your spouse, both together. 

Can you say more on this please, as I don't fully understand what you mean

9 minutes ago, glows said:

Why not try individual counselling if your spouse isn't willing to join you for couple's counselling? If anything it'll help you clarify whether this marriage is working for you.

To his understanding we are not in a bad place, because by all other accounts our marriage is good - obviously with children there is strain and arguments, but we are happy. I just have a void that I'm unhealthily filling with a fantastical desire that's not reality

[glows]

5 minutes ago, Honestlycurious said:

Can you say more on this please, as I don't fully understand what you mean

To his understanding we are not in a bad place, because by all other accounts our marriage is good - obviously with children there is strain and arguments, but we are happy. I just have a void that I'm unhealthily filling with a fantastical desire that's not reality

What I meant is similar to what you wrote, just phrasing it differently. Your marriage comes with a void, the AP fills that void. You've had this affair longer than this marriage/relationship with your spouse and it doesn't sound like you've ever been in a fulfilling relationship at all with your spouse. If you're taking away the affair, it means also having to deal with a sexless marriage. You'll need to decide if this is worth sticking around for in the long run and therapy or individual counselling can help you with that especially if your spouse refuses.

[Honestlycurious]

OK thanks for the clarification. Maybe we do need to just go to counselling and talk things out with an impartial body that can steer things more

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, Honestlycurious said:

He always says "but you know I love you, its always implied", which is not enough for me. I need to feel it.

So do you feel love from your affair partner or just sex?  If so, sex is not enough because you want to feel love.  So your affair partner doesn't fulfill your need either.

[Honestlycurious]

8 minutes ago, stillafool said:

So do you feel love from your affair partner or just sex?  If so, sex is not enough because you want to feel love.  So your affair partner doesn't fulfill your need either.

I'm pretty sure it is a purely lustful relationship that I have with my AP. We started as friends, but as most situations go the truth of our feelings eventually came out and we are where we are now. 

In all honesty I adore him. But not as much as I do my family. 

I have already done a lot of work in the past 1.5 or so years to reduce the amount of contact between us - I say we talk about once a month, but that is fluid. It be more often and then we go a few weeks without contact... But that is mostly down to me pulling seriously back. I was in a lot more regular contact and tried to cut myself off him as I felt myself spiralling and my mental health suffering because of it. 

He has strong resistance and mine is coming with hard work. 

So I guess, to answer your question...I feel love predominantly for my husband with little to no lust, and an abundance of lust for my AP with affection (love is questionable) that I know is only fantasy. I love the thought of being with him and we may work in the real world, but ultimately I am sure I get more from my husband than I ever would from my AP... Though I tell myself that ALL the time as almost an insurance policy to stop me going to a place that I know is dangerous 😢💔

sorry my response is so long - your words just hit a cord with me 🤗

[Nothanks]

I would like you to envision what would happen if either your husband or his partner found out and the pain it would cause.  Is your fantasy “habit” worth losing your marriage over?  If you are prepared to have your secret exposed and will be able to look into your husband and children’s eyes or look at yourself in the mirror without remorse or regret, then by all means continue.  If not, then it is time to live in reality.  If you have issues in your marriage, communicate with your husband and deal with it together. That is what marriage involves. It is not some “happily ever after” romantic adventure.  It is a partnership built on mutual trust and respect. This “happiness” you get from superficial ego boosts comes at a cost - your marriage and family.  It is pure selfishness.  If you don’t want to stop, then at least have the decency to tell your husband about it so he can make decisions based on the real truth of your marriage.  You may want to live a fantasy but you should not rob him of his choice to live an authentic life.  If you do want to stop, send a last email telling OM you want no further contact and delete his contact info from all devices.  Then focus on your marriage and either fix it or end it.  

 

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, Honestlycurious said:

Also we have both admitted texting each other is an act of escapism for us. It boosts the ego and honestly, it actually improves my sex life with my spouse.

Does it really, though? Or does it just bump up the frequency?

I wouldn't call it an improvement when you're essentially using your husband as a physical release for the sexual excitement of your AP. I doubt your husband would feel it's improving your sex life if he found out that you're all amped up because of someone else. 

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Honestlycurious said:

 sexless marriage where I am the only one who initiates - 

Obviously something is amiss in your marriage that you are not dealing with.

Start there. Where did things go wrong? Are you in a rut? Are there ongoing resentments?

Have either of you let yourselves go or checked out emotionally?

Is your husband healthy? Does he drink, use drugs or use porn to excess? Is he having affairs?

The answer is not this old flame. That's just an escape from your problems, like reading a romance novel and daydreaming that your life and marriage were happier.

Start with yourself. Get to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Then get out of your rut. Get in shape, go out with friends, take classes and courses, join some clubs groups sports and volunteer.

It won't fix your husband's libido but when you get healthier and find healthier coping strategies, you'll make better decisions.

 

[Honestlycurious]

49 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

The answer is not this old flame. That's just an escape from your problems, like reading a romance novel and daydreaming that your life and marriage were happier.

Yes!!!!!! You have bsolutely hit it. This is what it is for me. Which is why sometimes I struggle to quit because I know it is "harmless" in the sense that it is only fiction.... However I know that there is a real harm in the real world toward the other external parties involved... So a habit that needs to be stopped. 

54 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you in a rut? Are there ongoing resentments?

Have either of you let yourselves go or checked out emotionally?

...... 

Start with yourself. Get to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

I personally have had a very volatile almost 4 years 😢 where as much as I feel like my husband has tried to support me, he hasn't really got it and I have felt terribly alone dealing with my problems. 

So absolutely this has been a form of self soothing for me. In an otherwise very lonely existence I have felt alive through these chats and like my old self again...... However I have also been to therapy during these past 3 years and have had professional intervention and it has helped me hugely.

Hence, this is why I am here vocalising my situation I guess... Because I am ready to start fully healing and I know deep down that letting go of this is a part of that process. The thought of it hurts though, as I don't know if I can connect with my old self and escape the drone and responsibility of my existence and the fact that I'm not the person I used to be without my AP. Does that make sense? 

[Honestlycurious]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Does it really, though? Or does it just bump up the frequency?

I wouldn't call it an improvement when you're essentially using your husband as a physical release for the sexual excitement of your AP. I doubt your husband would feel it's improving your sex life if he found out that you're all amped up because of someone else. 

True ExpatInItaly, however as Wiseman2 said, in essence for me it is the same impact as reading a romance novel, albeit with a real person, not a fictional character... and let's be real, who doesn't fantasise on occasion about someone else - I'm sure my husband is included in that. 

I'm not trying to excuse my actions but if my hubby was watching porn and then making a move on me I would not care or be hurt - I would just be happy he was interested in having me. Every relationship has different morals/boundaries and that is something that's acceptable in my opinion. 

[DKT3]

Unless I've missed something,  I'm having a hard time understanding how you are justifying this with marriage issues because the affair predates your marriage.  

[Honestlycurious]

6 hours ago, Nothanks said:

If you have issues in your marriage, communicate with your husband and deal with it together. That is what marriage involves. It is not some “happily ever after” romantic adventure.  It is a partnership built on mutual trust and respect.   

As I have previously mentioned, my husband and I are very good at communicating and I have spoken on a few occasions with him about the several issues (not just intimacy related) that we have in our marriage. It is good for a couple weeks and then he slips back to his old ways. I know that marriage is a continuous work on progress.. I work on it a lot, it just isn't always reciprocated. 

6 hours ago, Nothanks said:

I would like you to envision what would happen if either your husband or his partner found out and the pain it would cause.  Is your fantasy “habit” worth losing your marriage over?

...

This “happiness” you get from superficial ego boosts comes at a cost - your marriage and family.  It is pure selfishness. 

I wouldn't be on here pouring out my heart and looking to hash it all out with everyone if I wasn't wanting to fix myself/things and out an end to it all before someone gets hurt other than me

[Honestlycurious]

5 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

Unless I've missed something,  I'm having a hard time understanding how you are justifying this with marriage issues because the affair predates your marriage.  

I am not justifying anything. I am trying to get to the route of the reason for my current situation and how to put an end to it without hurting myself too much.

I was engaged when I first met AP and we were only friends (bar the occasional flirt & 1 drunken kiss) for the first 5 years or so. So I was married about 3 years when things turned with us. Honestly, things only crossed a line once I hit a dark place in my life and I needed escapism/distraction from reality. As it was always there in the background (but I staved it off because I knew it was wrong and crossing a line), when I hit rock bottom it was an easy route to get what I needed at the time. 

[DKT3]

4 minutes ago, Honestlycurious said:

I am not justifying anything. I am trying to get to the route of the reason for my current situation and how to put an end to it without hurting myself too much.

I was engaged when I first met AP and we were only friends (bar the occasional flirt & 1 drunken kiss) for the first 5 years or so. So I was married about 3 years when things turned with us. Honestly, things only crossed a line once I hit a dark place in my life and I needed escapism/distraction from reality. As it was always there in the background (but I staved it off because I knew it was wrong and crossing a line), when I hit rock bottom it was an easy route to get what I needed at the time. 

There is justifications in this post....I've had this discussion before and it always falls of deaf eyes because really what most come here looking for is a way around the guilt and not really looking to dig deep into themselves.  Your unwillingness to even admit you are justifying your actions by, mainly saying what you're not getting shows a lack of self reflection.

I don't have the energy,  but I wish you luck.

[Honestlycurious]

1 minute ago, DKT3 said:

There is justifications in this post....I've had this discussion before and it always falls of deaf eyes because really what most come here looking for is a way around the guilt and not really looking to dig deep into themselves.  Your unwillingness to even admit you are justifying your actions by, mainly saying what you're not getting shows a lack of self reflection.

I don't have the energy,  but I wish you luck.

Surely by speaking about my mental health struggles is admission enough that there was something in me that broke to allow for this affair to flourish, no? If that's not taking ownership of my part in this then I don't know what is. 

I am not blaming anyone else... I am saying that I have not had support through my issues, but I am not saying that is the route of the issue am I? 

[Wiseman2]

37 minutes ago, Honestlycurious said:

 a form of self soothing for me. In an otherwise very lonely existence I have felt alive through these chats and like my old self again...... 

It seems like you are trying to turn the clock back to younger happier times before your depression and marriage problems.

Chitchatting with this old flame is not self soothing. It's not harmless either.

By wasting your time on this, you're avoiding healthier coping strategies as well as living in the past to avoid the present.

Apparently therapy alone has done little to improve your well-being. First see a physician to rule out treatable physical or mental health issues.

Then improve your lifestyle by getting more involved in productive activities such as seeing friends and family more often, making new friends through groups, clubs, sports, volunteering, a side hustle etc.

You may think it's harmless but it's not because while you are wasting time on this you're not spending time improving your life.

[Honestlycurious]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like you are trying to turn the clock back to younger happier times before your depression and marriage problems.

Chitchatting with this old flame is not self soothing. It's not harmless either.

By wasting your time on this, you're avoiding healthier coping strategies as well as living in the past to avoid the present.

Apparently therapy alone has done little to improve your well-being. First see a physician to rule out treatable physical or mental health issues.

Then improve your lifestyle by getting more involved in productive activities such as seeing friends and family more often, making new friends through groups, clubs, sports, volunteering, a side hustle etc.

You may think it's harmless but it's not because while you are wasting time on this you're not spending time improving your life.

I would completely agree with your statement Wiseman... you are indeed wise! 

I am absolutely trying at times to turn back the clock and yearn for my youth where I was free of responsibility and always wanted by the opposite sex and was never short of attention... Yet here I am in a marriage with the love of my life, an amazing guy who has forgotten why we fell in love and is swept up in the struggles of parenthood and adult responsibility. 

Each day I am working more on myself... Self care and self worth, loving myself so that I can in turn love my husband as he should be. I also am trying to accept that I am only responsible for myself - I can't make him do or say what I need him to and maybe that is something I need to learn to live with. 

If I get myself right and back again maybe he will change too.. 🤔

[Wiseman2]

Well everyone likes to reminsce about the good old days and the carefree days of youth. 

It seems like you feel trapped and obligated. That's ok you can work around that by improving your lifestyle.

Many people walk around with interia lassitude and malaise without ever having an appropriate work up for metabolic, neurological or other conditions that can manifest as depression, anxiety and generalized unease.

So. Start there. Then with a clean bill of health start a fitness and wellbeing program for yourself.

You mentioned your husband lost interest in sex, affection and romance. How long has that been going on?

This is something else that contributes to loneliness. You can't fix or change him, but when you feel better you can more clearly start to address how to improve the marriage.

[elaine567]

57 minutes ago, Honestlycurious said:

I have spoken on a few occasions with him about the several issues (not just intimacy related) that we have in our marriage. It is good for a couple weeks and then he slips back to his old ways.

This is typical behaviour from someone who doesn't want to change, who likes or gets something out of the status quo.
They prefer the old ways.
There is no point in keeping repeating it as the  results are just the same.
Good for a short while, then he slips back into what he really wants to do.
There is no "fixing" that.
Too many get caught up in that loop, they think they are getting somewhere to find they have ultimately achieved nothing. 
People don't really want to change unless it was purely their own idea or circumstances dictate that they need to change for their own well being or survival... and even then...