9 year long emotional affair & now sexting

[Honestlycurious]

11 hours ago, Nothanks said:

“on average the long term trend is that you think of him less which means you are less likely to want to contact him”. 

I feel like this is the approach I am prepared to take Nothanks, but my question to you is will he eventually get the message if I stop contacting him? I can go so long without contacting, but it's when he contact me I find myself weak. 

[Honestlycurious]

10 hours ago, Uruktopi said:

Oh my!

THAT mantra of "from whithin", "from inside"...........again.

What would your outlook be Uruktopi? 

[Wiseman2]

48 minutes ago, Honestlycurious said:

 me and AP actually spoke about cutting things off as it was becoming too intense 

It seems like you would like someone to talk to and confide in.

This old flame may not be the best solution.

When other voids are filled you'll feel better. Consider having a therapist to talk to.

 

[Nothanks]

13 hours ago, Honestlycurious said:

On 10/8/2021 at 6:00 PM, Nothanks said:

 

I feel like this is the approach I am prepared to take Nothanks, but my question to you is will he eventually get the message if I stop contacting him? I can go so long without contacting, but it's when he contact me I find myself weak. 

I should have clarified.  First you email or text him that “you love your husband and want to work on your marriage.  What you have been doing is wrong. From now on, you no longer want any further communication with him”.  Second you delete all his contact info.  Third, if you find yourself thinking about him, change your focus (to anything else…kids…grocery shopping…painting the house…..whatever it takes).  If you need affection, connect with your husband.  But whatever you do, do not contact the OM.  It will set you back.  I also think you should explore why you needed this kind of attention in the first place. It has nothing to do with your marriage and everything to do with you.  

[ExpatInItaly]

On 10/7/2021 at 11:05 AM, Honestlycurious said:

I'm not trying to excuse my actions but if my hubby was watching porn and then making a move on me I would not care or be hurt - I would just be happy he was interested in having me.

And yet you here you are, doing just that. I'm sorry, but watching porn on a screen is not at all the same as what you are doing, and nor is occasionally fantasizing about someone else duing the act. You are playing mental gymnastics with yourself to justify it. 

I can't imagine you would be "happy" if you knew your husband what getting all excited from sexting some other woman (and for many years) and then going to bed with you. Your arguments have no weight because you are making comparisons between entirely different situaitons to make yourself feel somewhat okay with doing what you are doing.

Come on, now. Time to get real - with yourself. 

Edited October 10, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Nothanks]

On 10/8/2021 at 6:13 PM, DKT3 said:

If will power is the only thing preventing contact it won't get easier,  9 years has proven she lack that

Agreed but I figured it will take her time to get to honesty. How many people who are still in the middle of the affair high go straight to a confession?   I was afraid that was too big of a step for her to take right way.  
 

So start with no contact, get some space to detach a bit, get into therapy and tell your husband.  If you are strong enough to do the right thing immediately, then you can skip to “tell your husband”.  If not, start taking steps to get there.

[Distraught1]

1 hour ago, Nothanks said:

Agreed but I figured it will take her time to get to honesty. How many people who are still in the middle of the affair high go straight to a confession?   I was afraid that was too big of a step for her to take right way.  
 

So start with no contact, get some space to detach a bit, get into therapy and tell your husband.  If you are strong enough to do the right thing immediately, then you can skip to “tell your husband”.  If not, start taking steps to get there.

There is no reason to tell your husband if you can go completely N/C and get therapy to work on yourself. You didn't have sex with this person. Disconnect and move on but work on why you needed this person to fill you and find out how to make that work in your marriage if possible.

[Nothanks]

I think secrets are toxic in a marriage. And a 9 year emotional attachment to another man is a pretty big secret.  You should work on yourself first but it starts with no contact.  

[Honestlycurious]

6 hours ago, Nothanks said:

Agreed but I figured it will take her time to get to honesty. How many people who are still in the middle of the affair high go straight to a confession?   I was afraid that was too big of a step for her to take right way.  
 

So start with no contact, get some space to detach a bit, get into therapy and tell your husband.  If you are strong enough to do the right thing immediately, then you can skip to “tell your husband”.  If not, start taking steps to get there.

I'm not really sure I can see the reason for revealing all of this to my husband and hurting him and my marriage in the process... Once I can continue with NC and self healing and live with the secret within my self (Which is the punishment for my actions) then surely that's the best outcome for us both.

Once I get to the route of the reason 

20 hours ago, Nothanks said:

why you needed this kind of attention in the first place. It has nothing to do with your marriage and everything to do with you.  

and

4 hours ago, Distraught1 said:

why you needed this person to fill you

then I believe there will never be a reason for a repeat offence / back track and I will be able to live out the rest of my marriage happyfulfilled and (albeit with the guilt of a secret that is my own doing) happy. 

[Distraught1]

14 minutes ago, Honestlycurious said:

I'm not really sure I can see the reason for revealing all of this to my husband and hurting him and my marriage in the process... Once I can continue with NC and self healing and live with the secret within my self (Which is the punishment for my actions) then surely that's the best outcome for us both.

Once I get to the route of the reason 

and

then I believe there will never be a reason for a repeat offence / back track and I will be able to live out the rest of my marriage happyfulfilled and (albeit with the guilt of a secret that is my own doing) happy. 

This is going to be a process. Good for you for committing to the work. This is the hardest part but will be the most rewarding in and for the future.

[Myabee]

No contact and self healing is the road to freedom here. I will be honest to say it takes willpower, work and clarity. You can get there.

[Bittersweetie]

I am a former WS who had a d-day and confessed. These comments come from my own experience, now 11+ years out from d-day and still with my husband.

I have no doubt that I would have eventually gone back to either xMM or looking elsewhere online if I did not have the full force of consequences of my d-day. My affair ended a few months before d-day, and I was even in therapy at the time. I thought the same things as you: I will never do this again; my guilt will be my own personal hairshirt; etc. In a way, saying "there is no reason to hurt my husband" is really protecting yourself, not him. I know, because I said that too. 

The consequences of confessing (I had an STD) forced me to see how my actions and choices affected someone else. And seeing that is what got me to finally start to dig deep and figure out why I thought what I did was okay. It led to true growth and change. And that took a while...every time I thought I discovered something about myself, I peeled the onion more. I peeled that onion until there was nothing left and while the work was hard, it was worth every effort.

I agree with PP that healing and growing from an affair is a long process, especially one as long as yours where there is probably a certain amount of dependency/addiction involved. You don't have to decide on telling your H at this time, but it is something you should consider at some point. For I also have no doubt that the reason my H and I are where we are is because I confessed and we both were fully honest and transparent in the time after d-day. Yes it was painful and hard and terrible. It is not pleasant to know you are the bad guy in the situation. It is not easy to have your own husband look at you with hate. I had to be completely open and vulnerable and it was terrifying. Yet we worked together on rebuilding the actual foundation of our marriage. If you just keep your secret, to yourself never to be found, your marriage is built on a faulty foundation, right?

Also, in terms of keeping the secret: is it fair to your H for him to make life decisions based on what he thinks is reality? When in actuality, the reality is different? I tell the story how my H said if he knew about my affair, he would not have made a job change that he did. And recently I learned of a family secret and it's been difficult processing how others could have kept it from me; I operated for decades thinking things were one way, and they were not. There are things I may have done differently in my life if I knew; others afraid of the truth took away my own agency. 

Sorry for the long post but I thought I may have some words to offer. Good luck.

[Myabee]

On 10/9/2021 at 5:44 AM, Honestlycurious said:

I feel like this is the approach I am prepared to take Nothanks, but my question to you is will he eventually get the message if I stop contacting him? I can go so long without contacting, but it's when he contact me I find myself weak. 

Then you need to block all avenues of contact. I SUCKED at that to start by finally committed to it. You are crumbs to him and will continue to be until you see that this is all a big game. I get it been there.

[Distraught1]

2 hours ago, Myabee said:

Then you need to block all avenues of contact. I SUCKED at that to start by finally committed to it. You are crumbs to him and will continue to be until you see that this is all a big game. I get it been there.

Sucking at this myself and am weak to his reach out too. But realizing that I am just crumbs and it's all about opportunity. We have to stop being thier secret opportunity. Perhaps the hard part is that they are also ours. Ugh!

[Nothanks]

On 10/10/2021 at 4:38 PM, Honestlycurious said:

I'm not really sure I can see the reason for revealing all of this to my husband and hurting him and my marriage in the process

You have already hurt your marriage and husband by having a 9 year secret relationship with another man.  Continuing to keep it a secret, imo, just adds to the disrespect and damage you have already inflicted.  Some betrayed spouses can get past fantasy feelings for another person but it is the lying that kills the relationship.  I think someone once said “it isn’t the lie itself that upsets me.  It is the fact that I can no longer trust you”  

Anyway, I was 100% sure you would resist telling your husband the truth assuming you could cut OM off and “never do it again”.  Very typical response for a cheating spouse who hasn’t gone through a Dday and witnessed the pain and destruction of their actions. That is why I avoided addressing it earlier hoping that you would go “no contact” first and get into therapy to understand why you crave external validation and this fantasy relationship so much that you are risking your family for it.  I thought at some point through therapy you would realize that your actions have robbed your husband of the truth of his life and marriage and that you love and respect him enough to be honest.  You are nowhere near that point though.  

So baby steps first….did you cut off OM yet?  If not, it is a matter of time before it blows up on you and the longer it goes on the greater the damage.  

Edited October 12, 2021 by Nothanks

[Nothanks]

On 10/10/2021 at 4:38 PM, Honestlycurious said:

Once I can continue with NC and self healing and live with the secret within my self (Which is the punishment for my actions) then surely that's the best outcome for us both.

I have to address this.  Your husband had no say in your decision to have an affair.  You made that selfish decision based on what was best for you and not what was best for him or the marriage. Now once again you are deciding what is best for your husband and marriage and denying him the right to make decisions for himself by hiding the truth from him. You are not some martyr bearing the heavy burden of this secret to spare your poor husband pain. You are lying by omission to avoid consequences. Time to start being honest with yourself. 

[Honestlycurious]

I have been NC since my last message here stating I was going to go NC. I have also since had a very open and Frank conversation with my husband about my urges to go elsewhere if we don't resolve and work through all of this and although he didn't like hearing it, he appreciated it. So thats a huge hurdle in the start of the marathon that is getting through this. 

Don't think I can do any more than that for now and I think it is a good start anyway. 

On 10/11/2021 at 8:18 PM, Myabee said:

I get it been there.

Thanks for your understanding and support, and you too Distraught

On 10/11/2021 at 10:34 PM, Distraught1 said:

We have to stop being thier secret opportunity 

 

[DKT3]

So your idea of "fixing " your marriage is giving your husband consequences but avoiding them for yourself. 

Honestly,  I'm 90% confident this will fail and you will be back in your affair in no time at all. 

You've had 9 years and still you need to figure out a way to stop. 

Not only that, your plan is as unfair to your husband as the affair itself.  I'm pretty confident you don't really care about your husband,  or what he may want. This is why you want to continue to trick him into staying married to you. Which is really the reason you have no intention of being honest with him, its not because you don't want to hurt him, its because you kinda know he would leave.  

[Myabee]

On 10/11/2021 at 5:34 PM, Distraught1 said:

Sucking at this myself and am weak to his reach out too. But realizing that I am just crumbs and it's all about opportunity. We have to stop being thier secret opportunity. Perhaps the hard part is that they are also ours. Ugh!

You said it. "Secret Opportunity"!! My feeling two people in love are not a secret. Games are not played and they are free from committal to anyone else. This is a two way street for sure, however someone in the scenario has to walk down the road, stop at a stop sign then take a sharp right turn outta there or the cycle shall continue and the pain and confusion will just continue to build.

Edited October 14, 2021 by Myabee

[Distraught1]

13 hours ago, DKT3 said:

...this is why you want to continue to trick him into staying married to you.

This is a little intense. The AP texts with this man once per month. Yes, it's been 9 years, but they have never had sex. Many men view porn, which turns them on, or may have virtual sex or go to strip clubs for a lap dance. Why are these "culturally acceptable" things ok for men but an email here and there is not? Granted, I understand the emotional connection is there, but there is no intention to meet and it is seemingly helping the AP with her sex life. Do you think spouses honestly tell each other every aspect of thier lives? I'm not saying this is acceptable but...tricking him into staying married to you...takes it a bit far!

Edited October 14, 2021 by Distraught1

[DKT3]

Doing something and keeping it secret while knowing that your spouse would likely not want to stay in the relationship is very intense. 

I get YOU do get it, why would you? I also understand your connection and desire to minimize the actions. Projection and all. 

My point is, in 9 years she has been unable,  but now she can by doing the same thing. That makes sense?

[Distraught1]

5 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

My point is, in 9 years she has been unable,  but now she can by doing the same thing. That makes sense?

Yes, but it is clearly the AP's life. We only know this one aspect and story and she was looking for insight and advice. We obviously don't know the dynamic between her and her spouse or the history. She is intelligent and has received great feedback in response to her post. She now takes the suggestions and makes the best decisions for her life and the future of her marriage. There is a child or children involved...not all life experiences are the same nor is there one cookie cutter answer for all affair situations. 

[DKT3]

We know she is having an affair,  we know its been 9 years, we know she has tried to  end it before,  we know those all failed, we know she is planning to continue the same pattern. What else do we need to know, to understand she needs to do something different?

 

Now she plans to drag her husband into this you need to change or I will do something im already doing dynamic without putting her shortcomings on the table. We know alot

Edited October 14, 2021 by DKT3

[Honestlycurious]

DKT3 while I'm really enjoying you jumping to conclusions and speculating on my life... A moment to interject please. 

Distruaght1 is right... There are many layers to this onion. I'm not just a bad person who decided to be in a 9 year affair all the while forcing my husband to stay in a relationship he wishes/would wish to leave. 

I have struggled with depression and through that journey these interactions with AP have escalated to where they are. 

As much as I have "attempted" to cut things off before I have not been stable or strong enough to do so.... However I find myself finally able to take it on now. So I will be successful this time.... And all the while keeping my marriage intact. 

My husband is not innocent in my getting here... But he is also not deserving of my actions. However I know he wants to stay with me. So I will do all I can to get our marriage back on track - predominantly by working internally on myself - all the while working collectively on the issues in our marriage. 

I'm not sure of your story or why you are here DKT3, but damn you were obviously burnt bad... Or you just enjoy being cynical and giving no-one a chance for redemption. 

[Bittersweetie]

HC...I have found that the posts that piss me off the most are the ones hitting a nerve that I need to examine. I see DKT3's notes as valid, coming from someone who has been where you are and arrived on the other side. Maybe you aren't ready to hear them at this time and that is okay, you can come back to them later. 

He does have a point that what has changed in the past nine years, why is this time different? You say because you are now strong and stable. Great! But the fact is that when we say we are ending things, then don't, and it happens more than once...it is hard to believe our words. We are the boys who cried wolf. My affair ended at least once when AP dumped me for another AP...and yet I still went back and did it again. At that time I thought I was done, but I wasn't unfortunately...I kept reaching out. I sincerely hope you are done this time but it is hard. It is so much easier just to fall back into old habits rather than create new ones and sometimes the positive actions just seem like walking up a mountain one doesn't want to climb. Stick with it and as your mind clears your path will be there. Good luck.

Edited October 14, 2021 by Bittersweetie