9 year long emotional affair & now sexting

[mark clemson]

I think it's positive that you're able to parse what you've been presented with and decide whether it genuinely is right for you. People/couples and marriages can differ substantially, so it's important to assess one-size-fits-all approaches and decide IF they are likely to work in your particular situation.

Edited October 18, 2021 by mark clemson

[Honestlycurious]

Thanks so much Mark, and for all your support throughout this topic

[pepperbird2]

op,

From what you say, you cheat because your spouse isn't meeting your need for physical intimacy. How will you address that? If you do decide to get some counseling as a couple, how will you avoid the topic of your telephone "friend"?

[serial muse]

On 10/16/2021 at 1:59 PM, mark clemson said:

Not at all. If you're unhappy to the point of genuinely wanting a divorce, such as due to emotional neglect from a partner, BUT don't want to have to put the kids through that, why WOULDN'T you cheat instead? If it enables you to stay happy enough to stay in the marriage - that spares the kids divorce.

Seems to me that, in that situation, DIVORCING would be the decision that requires rationalization. You're breaking up the family when you COULD be doing something where it has a chance to stay together? A discreet affair would indeed be what's best for the kids in some situations. Not all, but some.

The cheater always = bad, divorcer always = good reasoning is false and minimizes the impact of divorce. That's exactly what I'm talking about, and something OP needs to be aware of.

One flaw in this logic though is that it really relies heavily on things remaining at the status quo. If someone is cheating because they are genuinely happy to have multiple relationships to suit their suite of needs, and is also OK to not be honest with their partner about it, and their partner is the incurious sort who doesn't notice anything amiss (or possibly doesn't really care), then I suppose that might work out OK. But those are a stack of pretty unlikely setups. These boards can attest to that. And it doesn't seem to be this particular poster's situation, either - she's unhappy in her marriage and wants things to change. I would also note that divorcing parents who split mutually have a far better chance of co-parenting successfully and with less rancor than parents who divorced due to an affair, where it's much much harder to bury the intense feelings for the sake of the kids. 

Edited October 19, 2021 by serial muse

[mark clemson]

^^ perhaps + I agree you have a point. However, I don't think most cheat expecting to be caught. Whether that's realistic or not is another matter. We do hear about multi-year, even multi-decade affairs (including OPs which is 9 years, although it's questionable how much of that really counts as "affair," and still undiscovered). So it's certainly not impossible/unheard of. I'm not sure I would put it on the BS either (that they are unaware) as people spend a LOT of time away from each other if they have jobs.

[Honestlycurious]

On 10/17/2021 at 1:48 AM, Honestlycurious said:

I'll be back here to prove you all wrong.. Just watch this space. All you naysayers are very narrow minded in your thought process if you think that the only way to get through anything in life is to be completely open and honest 100% of the time... There's an old saying "skeletons in the closet" for a reason.. People live life with things buried and do fine with that. 

Who's to say my husband doesn't have his... It could explain his distance... Do I need to know? Hell no!!! Ignorance is absolute bliss in my opinion. 

Will I be a worse and more distant and removed spouse because of this... No. If anything I am more engaged and present and deliberate in my actions, thrusting myself more than ever into this marriage because I know now how important it is for me for it to succeed...and where would I be if I revealed everything and my marriage was pulled from underneath me?? And my husband left with a broken heart that would otherwise be unscathed and still full of love and all that is still great in our marriage.. But instead would stand a broken man.. Because I felt I needed to get it off my chest. 

That is a person who cannot live with their regrets or a life of guilt is what that is. Not someone who is doing what is best for their spouse. I understand that the BS is being given the ability to choose, but hindsight aside - I am sure all you BSs on this thread..... If you're really honest with yourself... You would choose not to know (if your marriage was not strifed or you didn't catch your WS in the act) 

Just to update you all I'm still NC since my OP on here 

Edited November 13, 2021 by Honestlycurious

[elaine567]

Well done that woman...

[Honestlycurious]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

Well done that woman...

Thanks! Delighted with myself and feeling more confident in my capability to stay "clean" every week I do 😊

A bit of a more thought evoking day today so came here to update instead of anything else which could end in regret or failure. 👍🏻

[Distraught1]

On 11/13/2021 at 3:19 PM, Honestlycurious said:

Thanks! Delighted with myself and feeling more confident in my capability to stay "clean" every week I do 😊

A bit of a more thought evoking day today so came here to update instead of anything else which could end in regret or failure. 👍🏻

Great job! Keep updating here to get support. 

[Myabee]

On 10/19/2021 at 7:55 AM, pepperbird2 said:

op,

From what you say, you cheat because your spouse isn't meeting your need for physical intimacy. How will you address that? If you do decide to get some counseling as a couple, how will you avoid the topic of your telephone "friend"?

I could not agree more.

[Jonttu]

What others have told OP is true: Honesty! The sooner the better, so that the other spouse gets the deserved opportunity to either say no or yes.

Sinking into an EA is both dangerous and easy. Getting out from it.... please read my story:

Longterm relationship. SO was always checking his phone, all the time. I spent my time on a racing forum.

Things were good, until the guys found out I'm female. They flirted and I ignored them. There was no back and forth, it was one-sided.

Then one of them struck a cord. Earlier the guys had asked everyone for their astrological signs, no personal issues were ever even talked about, so I chipped in also. This one guy asked more questions about my astro chart and I replied in an  impersonal and formal manner .... and this guy from the other side of the planet, he stunned me with figuring out my birth date just like that. He was the biggest flirt on the forum.

I froze completely and asked my SO to take a look at the comments and say if he was crossing boundaries. To my sadness he said: "It's fine, go along and have fun!"

Had he said NO, it would have been relieving and easy to set boundaries for the guy and that would be the end of it.

Since my SO told me that it was fine for him, we exchanged email addresses to take it private. He wrote a flirty email to me, included his photo, gave all his personal information and most importantly told he was single, so there was also the knowledge of not hurting a third party in any way, which was important to me.

Once again I practically dragged my SO to come and read the email, asking him again to say if it was crossing boundaries. Secretly I was hoping he would say STOP, but instead he said "go on and have fun".

So we exchanged emails until the guy wanted to skype.

Again SO was dragged to read and to set his boundaries. SO laughed and said "Have fun, I have no problems with it.".

The deeper the EA got, SO was informed of every single step and it was complete transparency. Third time is the charm they say, he never opposed but instead encouraged me to go on, so at that point I knew deep inside that he is sending me on a journey with no return. It made me sad, because he knew he was the one setting boundaries without me getting mad or rebellious, yet he practically clapped his hands.

With SO not setting any boundaries I was in free fall. So this new guy, AP, took his place. Since SO didn't mind at all, he also failed to see how AP filled with me joy, happiness and love.

At this point, after been given three times a pat on the back and being told to continue and have fun, SO practically let me go. There were no boundaries anymore, AP was the one who was setting boundaries and I loved him for that alone. AP wanted me for himself, single, so I started to make preparations and plans to leave SO for good.

SO wasn't even interested in knowing what was going on, he had full access to my email, the only thing was that I didn't ask him anymore. He was asked three times, the deeper and deeper the EA went, and he chose every single time to not set any boundaries at all. In the end he lost me because of that.

SO's boundaries are very important, especially for women. SO has the right to mark his territory and tell his SO if she crosses boundaries. It is not control, it is safety. However SO has to be told of everything, no secrets, no veiled threats, SO has the right to all information in order to make a decision about what is good or bad for the relationship.

In our case the EA ended my relationship. SO was shocked when I ended our relationship and I told him how he was given three times the chance to stop the EA, but he chose not to do it. SO claimed that he trusted me 100%, that no boundaries need to be set, because I should have known them. Well why on earth did I then ask him three times????

AP flew from the other side of the planet to meet me. Our EA became a physical relationship. I ended the relationship soon after that and have preferred to live alone after that. It was unacceptable to have two relationships, I'm rather alone than let it ever happen again!

Honesty is what a WS should give from the start. When it has progressed to the point where NC is needed, without the BS knowing about it, that is when WS has two relationships without giving BS - or AP - any chance to intervene in one way or another. AP is a dirty secret, but so is the NC also.

At worst WS cuts it off with AP without BS knowing about AP even existing; WS grieves and cries after AP and BS hands her tissues and takes care of her, thinking WS is in depression or whatever WS tells BS.... Try to continue a relationship after that, keeping BS in the dark or suddenly becoming aware of an AP.... no matter what the circumstances are, BS is still the innocent party.

 

 

 

[ItsTheDay]

On 10/6/2021 at 2:25 PM, Honestlycurious said:

My story is fairly similar to most.. Only we have not had a physical affair. But to give a synopsis of where I stand... 

Co-worker became instant close friend, where there was an immediate attraction from the beginning, which I always believed to be mutual but was not sure. However we were both in relationships, so we always kept things friendly. But, after a few months we shared a kiss on a work night out, however we both stopped it from going further, as we knew it was wrong. 

Flash forward 9 years and though we have both moved on to different places of work we have remained in contact with each other and I am now married with children and they are in a serious and committed relationship. 

However despite the committed relationships that we are in we haven't cut contact with each other and in the past 2 or so years it has evolved from flirting to flat out sexting - explicitly fantasising about what we'd do, etc. It's often mentioned - I wonder how it would be if we met, but honestly I don't think it is on either of our agendas to ever do so. 

Our contact is not what I would consider to be on "emotional affair" level, ie texting everyday, talking feelings - we only text about once a month or so, however I often have them in my mind and can't shake it. Also we have both admitted texting each other is an act of escapism for us. It boosts the ego and honestly, it actually improves my sex life with my spouse. I feel the urge to be intimate with them in the week or so following a sext marathon with my AP, in an otherwise sexless marriage where I am the only one who initiates - way to feel attractive, eh! 

We have called out that we probably shouldn't be doing it anymore and tried on a couple of occasions to go NC, but we are good friends as well as everything else, so it's hard. However I am afraid that despite the fact we've gone 9 years without being physical, at some point it may just end up happening and that worries me. I don't want that. As much as I may dream it - it's not a real life urge. However I feel like my only other option is cold turkey which I don't want either, as I will desperately miss them. 

I'm on here for advice, opinions on what it is I actually have going on here... And mostly to just say it out loud, as I haven't spoken to anyone about this and it has its moments where it eats me alive. 

TIA everyone. 

I'm a little late, and I haven't read any replies so sorry if anyone else has mentioned this. Anyway....

"We shared a kiss on a work night out, however we both stopped it from going further, as we knew it was wrong." No, you didn't stop because you knew it was wrong. You both knew it was wrong but, that's not why you stopped. You stopped because neither one of you were brave enough to take it any farther. 

"However despite the committed relationships that we are in we haven't cut contact with each other and in the past 2 or so years it has evolved from flirting to flat out sexting" If you want us to believe you stopped kissing him because you knew it was wrong, then what makes you think continuing this thing with him that got you there in the first place is right? I know why, because knowing it's wrong isn't the reason why you stopped it from going past kissing, and know it's wrong isn't why you STILL haven't stopped.   

"Our contact is not what I would consider to be on "emotional affair" level, ie texting everyday, talking feelings - we only text about once a month or so, however I often have them in my mind and can't shake it." That IS an emotional affair. 

"We have called out that we probably shouldn't be doing it anymore and tried on a couple of occasions to go NC, but we are good friends as well as everything else, so it's hard. However I am afraid that despite the fact we've gone 9 years without being physical, at some point it may just end up happening and that worries me. I don't want that. As much as I may dream it - it's not a real life urge. However I feel like my only other option is cold turkey which I don't want either, as I will desperately miss them."  Good friends? No, not even close. He is nothing more than a fantasy to you. He's giving you attention and you're dishing it right back to him. If he was a good friend, none of this would of ever happened. Him being a good friend to you is like saying you're a good wife to your husband, false. I don't know how your marriage is, you didn't mention anything about it. All I can do is assume, and I assume if we asked your husband he would say it's dry and his wife doesn't give him any attention, because that attention is and has been giving elsewhere. Which is very common for someone who is in an emotional affair.