9 year long emotional affair & now sexting

[Honestlycurious]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like you feel trapped and obligated. That's ok you can work around that by improving your lifestyle.

Absolutely I do, I'm a sahm so I think that exasperates that even more

15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Many people walk around with interia lassitude and malaise without ever having an appropriate work up for metabolic, neurological or other conditions that can manifest as depression, anxiety and generalized unease.

So. Start there. Then with a clean bill of health start a fitness and wellbeing program for yourself.

I have a lot of health issues that also contribute to this and have definitely resulted in manifestation... But I have began a lifestyle change to try and alleviate/improve it and so far am feeling the benefits 👍🏻

18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You mentioned your husband lost interest in sex, affection and romance. How long has that been going on?

This is something else that contributes to loneliness. You can't fix or change him, but when you feel better you can more clearly start to address how to improve the marriage.

If I'm honest I think I was always the instigator, but since we've had our boy 6 years ago it really escalated out of control. It's hard when you make a commitment to someone for life with an understanding that they will always make you feel wanted and attractive... But do the complete opposite and you're then stuck in a life where you never again get to feel attractive because it is forbidden to yearn it elsewhere 😢

[Honestlycurious]

7 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

This is typical behaviour from someone who doesn't want to change, who likes or gets something out of the status quo.
They prefer the old ways.
There is no point in keeping repeating it as the  results are just the same.
Good for a short while, then he slips back into what he really wants to do.
There is no "fixing" that.
Too many get caught up in that loop, they think they are getting somewhere to find they have ultimately achieved nothing. 
People don't really want to change unless it was purely their own idea or circumstances dictate that they need to change for their own well being or survival... and even then...

So what do we do with that? I know searching for what I crave elsewhere is not the right approach, but given your statement do I just have to live through an otherwise happy marriage without a significant aspect of the relationship lacking? What would you advise? It's a hard one isn't it? 

[elaine567]

I am not sure improving lifestyle, eating healthy and exercising is the "cure" for an unfulfilling marriage with a man who has emotionally and sexually checked out. You will then acquire a great body but why bother? There is no-one significant to appreciate it.
Even lots of activities and making new friends will not fill the void created when a partner removes their attention.
You will still be lonely in a crowd.
You have stumbled upon a solution to your problem with this  sexual but platonic fantasy.
I now it is not ideal but is this not what most guys achieve with their obsession with porn? Bury themselves in fantasy to get some excitement into their lives... 

It could have been worse, you could have turned to  drugs, alcohol, gambling, partying, ONSs, a physical affair... like so many other women do, faced with similar situations.
I doubt anything will change whether you say bye bye to this other guy or not, but I guess you will need to fill the void somehow, how you do that may be more damaging to you actually.

[Honestlycurious]

20 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I doubt anything will change whether you say bye bye to this other guy or not, but I guess you will need to fill the void somehow, how you do that may be more damaging to you actually.

So you honestly think the less damaging thing to me is to continue on with AP from a platonic/sexting perspective, knowing that it will never actually turn physical and continue with a "what he doesn't know won't hurt him" marriage? That certainly sounds like the easier and more enjoyable route but I think it's questionable if that is healthy. I don't think leaving hubby is the answer either. 

Have you encountered this situation before or do you just think from the outside that this is the best advice? 

[elaine567]

In wasn't advising anything but how are you realistically going to fill that void?
It is a huge one and not easily filled.
Many women do decide to stay and deny themselves any happiness as it is the "right" thing to do, but that is not healthy either...Is it?
The core problem is the dysfunctional marriage and as long as it continues you will always be seeking out "unhealthy" solutions to fill the void.

[Wiseman2]

50 minutes ago, Honestlycurious said:

Absolutely I do, I'm a sahm so I think that exasperates that even more

I have a lot of health issues that also contribute to this and have definitely resulted in manifestation... But I have began a lifestyle change to try and alleviate/improve it and so far am feeling the benefits 👍🏻

If I'm honest I think I was always the instigator, but since we've had our boy 6 years ago it really escalated out of control. It's hard when you make a commitment to someone for life with an understanding that they will always make you feel wanted and attractive... But do the complete opposite and you're then stuck in a life where you never again get to feel attractive because it is forbidden to yearn it elsewhere 😢

Ok. Start by looking for jobs. That will help tremendously in improving your self respect, self confidence,  and socializing with other adults.

Not only will you have more money for yourself, you won't feel so isolated or desperate for adult conversation.

You'll have a reason to get out of the house away from wasting time chitchatting with this guy, a reason to take care of yourself, get fit dress nicely and have more interesting things to think about.

Talk to other working mothers about child care and enlist the help of trusted extended family.

Lounging around the house all day is something you can change. So your husband works all day so you can chitchat with old flames? 

You had a job once. It's time to get off the sofa.

[Honestlycurious]

58 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Lounging around the house all day is something you can change. So your husband works all day so you can chitchat with old flames? 

You had a job once. It's time to get off the sofa.

I was your biggest fan til you went and slated a sahm. Stereotypes are not factual. Plus you don't know all of my personal circumstances. I work very hard at home, it is an incredibly difficult job to do and moreso with daily health complications to deal with on top. 

I also have a very traditional marriage where I do all of the tasks in the household and my husband earns the buck, but does not contribute to the household in any other way. There is no hired help in this house. Running a household is a full time job and I do it well. Highly offended tbh

 

I agree that the socialisation that comes from working outside of the house is important though. Your children and husband are not an adequate outlet, even with friends and family into the mix. 

[Honestlycurious]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

as long as it continues you will always be seeking out "unhealthy" solutions to fill the void.

I agree with that for sure. But maybe a non intimate external outlet is the answer 🤔

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, Honestlycurious said:

I agree that the socialisation that comes from working outside of the house is important though. Your children and husband are not an adequate outlet, even with friends and family into the mix. 

This was the point. No offense intended.

[elaine567]

As your husband does nothing around the home and you are solely responsible, and you have health issues too,  then taking on a job will likely in reality be too much for you to cope with.

[Honestlycurious]

53 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

This was the point. No offense intended.

OK thanks

[Honestlycurious]

42 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

As your husband does nothing around the home and you are solely responsible, and you have health issues too,  then taking on a job will likely in reality be too much for you to cope with.

Absolutely Elaine, I believe the key to an outlet is social situations... Which obviously with the pandemic hasn't been possible until late. But I am working on a lot of self love at the moment and being a lot more selfish and it seems to be making a difference

[Honestlycurious]

Thanks everyone for your input. I feel like I have a better feel for the way I need to go with this. 

I think I am going to do NC and see how I get on with it, using this support group as a coping mechanism in the times when I am struggling. 

All the while I am going to continue working on myself - self love, improving my lifestyle to a healthier one, increasing my social outlets and overall increasing my confidence without the help of my AP or husband. 

Finally I will continue to open the communication pathways with hubby and work on fixing the issues we have. 

 

Hopefully with all of this I will result in a successful cut-off from AP and ensure that I am not a repeat offender. 

Wish me luck!!!!!! 

[vla1120]

7 minutes ago, Honestlycurious said:

Thanks everyone for your input. I feel like I have a better feel for the way I need to go with this. 

I think I am going to do NC and see how I get on with it, using this support group as a coping mechanism in the times when I am struggling. 

All the while I am going to continue working on myself - self love, improving my lifestyle to a healthier one, increasing my social outlets and overall increasing my confidence without the help of my AP or husband. 

Finally I will continue to open the communication pathways with hubby and work on fixing the issues we have. 

 

Hopefully with all of this I will result in a successful cut-off from AP and ensure that I am not a repeat offender. 

Wish me luck!!!!!! 

I wish you the BEST of luck! I think you're taking the right path (especially the self-love!) 

[Distraught1]

2 hours ago, Honestlycurious said:

Thanks everyone for your input. I feel like I have a better feel for the way I need to go with this. 

I think I am going to do NC and see how I get on with it, using this support group as a coping mechanism in the times when I am struggling. 

All the while I am going to continue working on myself - self love, improving my lifestyle to a healthier one, increasing my social outlets and overall increasing my confidence without the help of my AP or husband. 

Finally I will continue to open the communication pathways with hubby and work on fixing the issues we have. 

 

Hopefully with all of this I will result in a successful cut-off from AP and ensure that I am not a repeat offender. 

Wish me luck!!!!!! 

I had a very similar situation. Good but emotionally lacking low-sex marriage.  I knew my coworker for multiple years and we did not engage other than plutonic. However 2 years ago that changed. We did the sexting and sexual fantasies. Prior to our work meeting we said we needed to keep the relationship pro. After several drinks one night we kissed and it was amazing. We then had sex for the next three nights of the meeting. I was in an absolute fog and was emotionally all over the place but to feel desired and to have amazing sex seemed to clear some of the guilt. I was in a fog for a good 6 months after. My focus on other things including my children suffered. I feel immense amounts of guilt now and will have to live with this for the rest of my life. I have begun therapy too...but the marriage is still stale and that is very unfortunate. Like you, my husband is a good man, but rarely initiates sex or makes me feel desired. He too says he has a low sex drive. That was definitely a huge part of the allure...feeling desired/wanted/listened to. And the sex was unbelievable, if I'm being honest, but I do feel that I'm falling into a pretty deep depression based on knowing what I decided to do to people that love me and believe I am an honest an true person. I have some deep self hatred and don't wish that on any body. Best of luck to you!    

 

[Honestlycurious]

I'm lying here in the quiet thinking things through.  The posts and my responses.. And I do genuinely feel like I'm in a place where I can begin letting go.... 

However this is with one fairly big exception, so I'm back to ask your opinions. 

Closure... I feel like if I get it I will be able to definitely let go of this affair... But how on earth do I go about that.... Especially as this is someone who doesn't like to speak about how they really feel and always tries to just keep it in one of 2 moods, as this is the least intrusive on their real feelings i guess.

Your thoughts please 🤗

Edited October 8, 2021 by Honestlycurious
Missing a wors

[mark clemson]

Closure eventually comes from within. It often takes a lot longer than we'd like. External rituals like kind parting words ARE helpful in e.g. mutually acknowledging things need to end, but they just move you a bit closer. You still have to go through the necessary changes (often including IMO actual changes in your brain chemistry).

For many if not most, these things happen at their own pace, which is typically much slower than our conscious minds would like. Your brain adjusts, you stop missing the person; just like any former lover, you get on with your own life without them. When it's no longer painful, you've attained "closure". You still have memories of HOW you felt, but you longer FEEL that way anymore (which can be a strange thing depending on how strong your feelings were).

[Nothanks]

There is no such thing as closure.  That is your junky mind trying to get another fix.  You are addicted to the ego boost you get from this secret relationship.  The solution is easy - no contact for any reason.  Doing it is hard for sure but any contact will only prolong your addiction and put your marriage further at risk.  You should seek therapy to help you with coping techniques to change your thought process whenever you feel like you need to contact the OM. In therapy, you should also discuss your need for external validation and why it is leading you to make such destructive choices. 
 

Look I’m sure you want responses that tell you how these things happen and that helps you to rationalize your actions.  I think that just enables you.  I’m honestly trying to help snap you back to reality and see the harm you are causing (ultimately to yourself). You brought up porn and how you wouldn’t care if your husband used it to get aroused.  That is a clear attempt at rationalizing your behaviour.  How about a real comparison?  How would you feel if your husband flirted and kissed another woman and then shared intimate thoughts with her and kept that relationship a secret from you for 9 years?  You are not watching porn with some random person you are not emotionally invested in.  You have been having an affair for 9 years.  You can’t change that.  You can only decide to make better choices going forward.

[Honestlycurious]

38 minutes ago, Nothanks said:

There is no such thing as closure.  That is your junky mind trying to get another fix.  You are addicted to the ego boost you get from this secret relationship.  The solution is easy - no contact for any reason.  Doing it is hard for sure but any contact will only prolong your addiction and put your marriage further at risk.  You should seek therapy to help you with coping techniques to change your thought process whenever you feel like you need to contact the OM. In therapy, you should also discuss your need for external validation and why it is leading you to make such destructive choices. 
 

Look I’m sure you want responses that tell you how these things happen and that helps you to rationalize your actions.  I think that just enables you.  I’m honestly trying to help snap you back to reality and see the harm you are causing (ultimately to yourself). You brought up porn and how you wouldn’t care if your husband used it to get aroused.  That is a clear attempt at rationalizing your behaviour.  How about a real comparison?  How would you feel if your husband flirted and kissed another woman and then shared intimate thoughts with her and kept that relationship a secret from you for 9 years?  You are not watching porn with some random person you are not emotionally invested in.  You have been having an affair for 9 years.  You can’t change that.  You can only decide to make better choices going forward.

Thanks for that, I believe that what @mark says is true, that the closure will come with time, through my own healing and not from any external resource/person. 

I believe that intermittent reinforcement has been at play through this affair for a long time and has made the addiction all the worse... But it's nothing I'm not prepared to work through. 

[Nothanks]

Yes closure comes from within….not from OM. The longer you go without contact, the easier it gets.

[DKT3]

44 minutes ago, Nothanks said:

Yes closure comes from within….not from OM. The longer you go without contact, the easier it gets.

I'm not sure i believe this. I don't think its linear.  I believe you can go a week or months and out of nowhere be hit with longing. 

OP has a whole other life that is just her and this other guy. It has been well insulated for years and there is no easy fix. 

My honest opinion is she will struggle a few weeks then fail and fall back. I'm sure this isn't the first time she attempted.  Eventually she will get sloppy and caught. Without real consequences there is nothing to stop her...I mean its been wrong for 9 years and she hasn't stopped.  Same input same output. Try something different...like honesty. 

 

[Nothanks]

1 minute ago, DKT3 said:

'm not sure i believe this. I don't think its linear.  I believe you can go a week or months and out of nowhere be hit with longing.

Didn’t say it was linear. However it gets easier to go no contact over time. How about “on average the long term trend is that you think of him less which means you are less likely to want to contact him”. 

[DKT3]

If will power is the only thing preventing contact it won't get easier,  9 years has proven she lack that.

[Uruktopi]

Oh my!

THAT mantra of "from whithin", "from inside"...........again.

[Honestlycurious]

DKT3 is right, this is not my first attempt at NC. I have most certainly tried this before and me and AP actually spoke about cutting things off as it was becoming too intense (about 3 years ago, just as things were starting to cross the boundary into intimate convo) 

I manage to handle about from 1-2 months without contact before one of us end up messaging the other. The longest I have probably gone is about 3 months. 

But over the past few days, since I have been on here I have realised something which I think is pretty huge in the whole situation. 

My AP is huge into the hot/cold of intermittent reinforcement behaviour.... Which is truly why I think I am so addicted to him. But as far as.. 

11 hours ago, DKT3 said:

Try something different...like honesty. 

What do you suggest, that I come out about it all??? I don't think it's worth breaking my marriage for this. I know outside of this fantasy that there is no chance of "us", so I am not prepared to ruin my marriage over honesty