9 year long emotional affair & now sexting

[DKT3]

20 minutes ago, Honestlycurious said:

DKT3 while I'm really enjoying you jumping to conclusions and speculating on my life... A moment to interject please. 

Distruaght1 is right... There are many layers to this onion. I'm not just a bad person who decided to be in a 9 year affair all the while forcing my husband to stay in a relationship he wishes/would wish to leave. 

I have struggled with depression and through that journey these interactions with AP have escalated to where they are. 

As much as I have "attempted" to cut things off before I have not been stable or strong enough to do so.... However I find myself finally able to take it on now. So I will be successful this time.... And all the while keeping my marriage intact. 

My husband is not innocent in my getting here... But he is also not deserving of my actions. However I know he wants to stay with me. So I will do all I can to get our marriage back on track - predominantly by working internally on myself - all the while working collectively on the issues in our marriage. 

I'm not sure of your story or why you are here DKT3, but damn you were obviously burnt bad... Or you just enjoy being cynical and giving no-one a chance for redemption. 

He wants to stay under the illusion that you've been a faithful honest wife, you have not. That reality would likely change his perspective. 

Cynical? Absolutely.  Why? I've seen your story play out before.  This is not unique.  

Let me explain.  Your life has become like a tripod you your husband your AP are all legs holding it up. You very much depend on having both men in your life. So this idea that you can simply remove one leg and carry on his unlikely.  You have to shift from a tripod to a biped,  you can do that successfully without putting more weight on the other leg(your husband). Also, you will have to carry more weight, this is the main thing you are trying to avoid.

I get things I say are hard to hear. But many posters here will tell you I promote personal responsibility.  Right now your trying to force your husband to carry it all. This nonsense about you knowing is your punishment is a non-starter. You've been doing that for 9 years. 

I get you not wanting to tell your husband,  but its not for his benefit.  Its because it would mean a change in your affair,  its giving up control. 

People in affairs always feel they have control over both their affair and marriage.  You can come and go from one to the other as you please. 

There is only one way, honesty. Start by telling your mother or sister or close trusted friend. Stop trying to fix your husband until you're ready to put it all on the table. Don't attempt to drag him into marriage counseling. 

 

[vla1120]

On 10/10/2021 at 4:38 PM, Honestlycurious said:

I'm not really sure I can see the reason for revealing all of this to my husband and hurting him and my marriage in the process... Once I can continue with NC and self healing and live with the secret within my self (Which is the punishment for my actions) then surely that's the best outcome for us both.

The reason to reveal it to your husband is so that he is fully aware of the situation in which he is living (and has been for the past 9 years.) Imagine you have a vision of what your life is, only to find out you've been living in an alternate reality for 9 years. You might think you are sparing his feelings by keeping this from him. In reality, it's just an extension of a 9 year lie that he has been living without his knowledge. 

I do wish you the best. I am always for saving the marriage if at all possible, but a very important part of "saving the marriage" is that BOTH spouses are fully aware of what has transpired and what needs to be done to repair their marriage. Him only having half of the story is not fair to him, and it does not bode well for your marriage. 

Finally, you state that keeping the secret is punishment for your actions. No. Keeping the secret is continuing to punish HIM. Your punishment only comes when you reveal the truth to your husband.

[elaine567]

I get why some are saying he needs to know  but how does anyone ever get over a 9 year betrayal and lead a normal life afterwards?
Ignorance is bliss...

[Distraught1]

11 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I get why some are saying he needs to know  but how does anyone ever get over a 9 year betrayal and lead a normal life afterwards?
Ignorance is bliss...

I know someone that found out about an affair. It was realized by looking at thier spouse's phone. The spouse admitted everything down to sexual positions and locations. They decided to stay in the marriage because of two young children. They went to marital counseling. This person is broken and obsesses every day about what was done. They say they wish they never knew about it, they would prefer to have never found the messages on the phone that day. They feel like they are living a lie by staying in this marriage and hate having to pretend in front of family that everything is great. They pray that they get over it and have turned to alcohol to numb thier pain. As Elaine said...ignorance is bliss. So to my point, not all situations or people are the same. Everyone has to make the best decision for thier situation. OP never had sex with MM...perhaps she can live with this as long as she can now go NC.  

Edited October 14, 2021 by Distraught1

[Uruktopi]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

Ignorance is bliss...

True, but is a bliss only for the waywards when, if and only if such ignorance is the betrayed one´s.

Edited October 14, 2021 by Uruktopi

[Uruktopi]

1 hour ago, vla1120 said:

Finally, you state that keeping the secret is punishment for your actions. No. Keeping the secret is continuing to punish HIM

This

[Honestlycurious]

If I had a physical affair I would most definitely come clean, as that is not a decision or piece of information I get to withold for myself. 

However I have been emotionally involved for 3 years - once a fortnight contact on average, which also happened to be a tumultuous period in my life where I didn't know which way was up.. It wasn't the real me. I've awoken from that time now and I am prepared to put in a huge amount of work to get myself back on track....

None of which any of the naysayers seem to be giving me any credit for.... Your simply focusing on the "9 year affair".... Which it was not as I previously stated.. and which I also have never moved physical despite opportunities/invitations/maybeso's arising. 

I have never blatantly and ignorantly pushed back on any of the advice on here, however I do think some are being a little too harsh 

[DKT3]

6 minutes ago, Honestlycurious said:

If I had a physical affair I would most definitely come clean, as that is not a decision or piece of information I get to withold for myself. 

However I have been emotionally involved for 3 years - once a fortnight contact on average, which also happened to be a tumultuous period in my life where I didn't know which way was up.. It wasn't the real me. I've awoken from that time now and I am prepared to put in a huge amount of work to get myself back on track....

None of which any of the naysayers seem to be giving me any credit for.... Your simply focusing on the "9 year affair".... Which it was not as I previously stated.. and which I also have never moved physical despite opportunities/invitations/maybeso's arising. 

I have never blatantly and ignorantly pushed back on any of the advice on here, however I do think some are being a little too harsh 

You don't really believe this, if it was as simple as you're trying to convince us, you would not be as opposed as you are.

You know your husband wants to stay then why not explain the situation to him? I know the answer and it has absolutely nothing to do with his reaction,  but what it would mean about your affair.  

You see this is why I'm so confident you will fail. You don't want to end your affair,  you want to figure out how to live with the guilt. Your plan is centered around that. Continue your affair while you work on yourself....what changes? Where is your motivation to actually end it. Stalling is all you're doing. 

There is nothing to figure out, you know why you are where you are, you know why you've given yourself permission to carry on the way you have, you know how to fix it. Problem is consequences,  ie actually cutting this guy off and being held accountable for your actions, that's what you are avoiding.  Get honest with yourself. 

[DKT3]

1 hour ago, Distraught1 said:

I know someone that found out about an affair. It was realized by looking at thier spouse's phone. The spouse admitted everything down to sexual positions and locations. They decided to stay in the marriage because of two young children. They went to marital counseling. This person is broken and obsesses every day about what was done. They say they wish they never knew about it, they would prefer to have never found the messages on the phone that day. They feel like they are living a lie by staying in this marriage and hate having to pretend in front of family that everything is great. They pray that they get over it and have turned to alcohol to numb thier pain. As Elaine said...ignorance is bliss. So to my point, not all situations or people are the same. Everyone has to make the best decision for thier situation. OP never had sex with MM...perhaps she can live with this as long as she can now go NC.  

Wayward spouses continues with wayward behavior is why they are in this position.  

I'll give you an example from these very pages. Wife had an affair got caught in some suspicious things and confessed.  She stopped have sex. The problem is she continued with her same activities minus the sex.  She continued sneaking off to AP but claims it was platonic.  She actually said her husband should be happy and give her credit for no longer sleeping with the guy. 

From the BS perspective nothing changed. So they never progress past the trauma of the affair,  they get stuck.  That's why they made those comments.  Ask the hundreds of BS here if they wish they didn't know. Those who haven't healed are the ones likely to say they wish they didn't know. 

These things make you crazy, BS know something is off. In your case it may be different since your husband has no baseline, you've always been involved from the start of your marriage.  OPs husband has a baseline, so after 9 years he isn't clueless.

[elaine567]

57 minutes ago, Uruktopi said:

True, but is a bliss only for the waywards when, if and only if such ignorance is the betrayed one´s.

So  is having the rug pulled from under your feet, bliss?
No it isn't and why would one want to inflict that sort of pain onto  anyone, if they didn't have to.
Plenty people on here are still suffering from cheating, years if not decades later, they stay for love, for kids, for status, for money etc. but are they ever truly happy after they find out about a cheating event?
I think for some telling is the right thing to do, let the BS go find another, 

But here, the OPs husband doesn't know and what he doesn't know won't hurt him...
I suggest to the OP, to stop the affair, stop  the hinting (he will get worried or guess correctly), work on her marriage and take the cheating info to her grave.

[Uruktopi]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

So  is having the rug pulled from under your feet, bliss?
No it isn't and why would one want to inflict that sort of pain onto  anyone, if they didn't have to.
Plenty people on here are still suffering from cheating, years if not decades later, they stay for love, for kids, for status, for money etc. but are they ever truly happy after they find out about a cheating event?
I think for some telling is the right thing to do, let the BS go find another, 

But here, the OPs husband doesn't know and what he doesn't know won't hurt him...
I suggest to the OP, to stop the affair, stop  the hinting (he will get worried or guess correctly), work on her marriage and take the cheating info to her grave.

Of course, I have the higher respect for the right of others think as they do.

My respect do not need at all to be extended to all choices, anyhow.

So, just only IMO....

"So  is having the rug pulled from under your feet, bliss?" No, not a bliss, just quite a healthier pain than the inflicted by the opposite.

Why? Because "....doesn't know and what he doesn't know won't hurt him..." is not right, neither wrong, it´s just a fraud. 

"....but are they ever truly happy after they find out about a cheating event?" I would choose an honest pain (and so I did) rather than a fictional happyness.

I am not only my subjectivity.  And same happens to some of us. 

I´m not saying at all this about you, you deserve my full respect.

But I´ve heard almost the same advice from people who reacts fiercely on what they see as "controlling" while the suggested to do is a masterpiece of a controlling attitude.

By the way, the "loving intention" of preserving someone from being hurt, said by the betrayer, never impressed me too much.

Edited October 14, 2021 by Uruktopi

[elaine567]

9 minutes ago, Uruktopi said:

I would choose an honest pain (and so I did) rather than a fictional happyness.

But he doesn't know it is fictional, does he?
It may not be entirely fictional either...

Edited October 14, 2021 by elaine567

[Uruktopi]

18 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

But he doesn't know it is fictional, does he?
It may not be entirely fictional either...

"But he doesn't know it is fictional, does he?" 

True, he would be living a real... fiction. That is, it would be true in his mind while it´s not true outside it: the very meaning of fictional.

A bit like a delirium is a real thing inside. The perceived winged cows are less valid entities.

May be it deppends on what is desirable for you. To feel happy or to be happy. Not always the same, IMO.

"It may not be entirely fictional either..." Not enterely, just enough.

 

But........what I find worst is not only and neither mainly the lie.

It´s the pretended intention of doing it for someone else sake.

The suggested remedy for the betrayal is too close to the wayward thought that enabled it, even if as logistics.

 

 

Edited October 14, 2021 by Uruktopi

[Distraught1]

3 hours ago, DKT3 said:

In your case it may be different since your husband has no baseline, you've always been involved from the start of your marriage.  OPs husband has a baseline, so after 9 years he isn't clueless.

This is not true. I have been married for 18 years. I was loyal to my husband for 16 of those years. So your reference is not applicable.  

[DKT3]

Unfortunately once you post something here, you can't take it back. You stated you were involved in a 5 year emotional affair in your first 5 years of your marriage...you then started back up, the reality is you've never been faithful in your marriage, you just took a break. This is why honesty is important,  this is why you can't simply stop without being held accountable.  

[DKT3]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

But he doesn't know it is fictional, does he?
It may not be entirely fictional either...

I'm confident he isn't clueless. Just like WS convince themselves what they are doing is not so bad, the BS also convinces themselves the WS isn't doing, even when they kinda know something is off.

[mark clemson]

OP, you can bet your bottom dollar there are literally millions of marriages out there with undisclosed affairs. Are they all great marriages? Probably not. Are some of the pretty good if not excellent ones?  No doubt some are.

There can be good reasons for disclosure. However the idea that you need to disclose your affair to someone shore up your marriage is, IMO, bunk.

If you want to work on the marriage - do exactly that - work on the marriage. For some that might mean disclosure, for others not. At the risk of stating what you and anyone else over the age of 10 knows, by disclosing you risk blowing up the thing you (if I'm reading your posts right) are trying to save. You already took that risk, but you haven't actualized it yet (pretty lucky over 9 years).

Do what you think makes sense for your situation, but IF you continue the affair, you're continuing the risk that it is discovered. I'd also avoid telling e.g. friends and relatives about it. "Loose lips sink ships" and affairs are juicy gossip. If you are "burdened" by it, you could always talk to a therapist who's required to keep what you say confidential.

Maybe on reflection you'll decide that disclosing is what's best. That's great IF you do. But don't think it's somehow mandatory to "save your marriage" - it's not, and if you're looking to improve it, it might make things a LOT worse.

Edited October 15, 2021 by mark clemson

[DKT3]

Save or maintain? 

People who have affairs and go on in the marriage as if it didn't happen dont post on websites like these. People who post here are uncomfortable with what they are/have doing/done. Those people need something new.  

Edited October 15, 2021 by DKT3

[Nothanks]

On 10/13/2021 at 12:18 PM, Honestlycurious said:

I have been NC since my last message here stating I was going to go NC. I have also since had a very open and Frank conversation with my husband about my urges to go elsewhere if we don't resolve and work through all of this and although he didn't like hearing it, he appreciated it. So thats a huge hurdle in the start of the marathon that is getting through this. 

Yes NC is a start.  And that is a good first step but you have a long way to go.  Have you considered therapy at all?  
 

You are still not being honest with your husband.  You told him you are thinking about having an affair when the truth is you have been in one for 9 years.  It is pretty unfair to ask him to jump through hoops to fix the marriage when he doesn’t know why the marriage is fundamentally broken in the first place. I’m not saying your husband is perfect but has he had a secret girlfriend for 9 years?  Has he kissed another woman he worked with, engaged in sexual banter with her and fantasized about her for 9 years?  What you did was deceitful.  That is a fact. Now you can’t change the past but you can make better decisions going forward.  It starts with being honest with yourself first and then with your husband.  You said you were open with him. About what?  About how unhappy you are with the marriage and changes you want him to make?  I’d say that is cruel not open.  You are expecting him to fix the marriage issues without owning up to the fact that you having a 9 year affair is the biggest marriage issue that needs fixing. And that is all on you. Your affair has nothing to do with him or the marriage.  It was your choice so own it. 
 

As for the view that an emotional affair is like porn and it isn’t as bad as a physical affair, that is a common rationalization and minimization thought process employed by affair partners to justify their actions so they don’t feel bad about themselves.  In fact the first rationalization/minimization is usually “we are just friends” and second is “we haven’t had sex so it isn’t cheating” and then it leads to “my unhappy marriage is to blame (not my cheating)”. An emotional affair is different than porn and the fact you have not had sex (which I find hard to believe given this has been going on for 9 years but…ok) does not mean you have been a faithful wife. 
 

Look I get that it is hard for anyone to look at themselves or their actions in a negative way. We all like to think of ourselves as good people and rationalize bad behaviour or deflect by blaming others.  However, as long as you continue to avoid responsibility for your actions, nothing will change (including your unhappiness) and it is likely you will repeat same behaviour.  Again I’d recommend therapy to look into your reasons for needing this type of external validation and ultimately telling your husband the truth……before it all blows up in your face.

[Starswillshine]

There is something cruel about withholding the reality of someone's life while pretending to always have their best interest at heart. 

There is no life, no moment in time, that I would want to live blissfully ignorant. If I give my heart to someone, I put all my well being in their hands... I NEED to know if they have betrayed me. If they are capable of that sort of thing. It is completely deceitful and hiding who you truly are from your spouse. It is cruel and harmful. 

The finding out is not what sweeps the rug out from under their feet, it is the actual behavior of the WS. If you cared, you would have done it in the first place. I get that looking at your spouse and knowing you are about to break their heart is hard. I equate it much like watching my kids laughing knowing in a few minutes we were about to call them in a room to tell then we were separating. It is absolutely devastating. So I get the fear of it. I know it. I lived that part. But it is completely cruel to let someone live a lie. 

Signed,

A woman who apparently lived a lie for 20 years

[BaileyB]

14 hours ago, Honestlycurious said:

If I had a physical affair I would most definitely come clean, as that is not a decision or piece of information I get to withold for myself. 

 

 

14 hours ago, Honestlycurious said:

happened to be a tumultuous period in my life where I didn't know which way was up.. It wasn't the real me.

You are not going to be able to live an authentic life until you get real with yourself. These are excuses, offered to justify what is/was a very poor decision. 

The truth of the matter is that nothing justifies the decision to turn away from your partner to engage in a long term, inappropriate (sexual or not) relationship with another man. People who love and respect each other simply don’t do that to each other. 

[BaileyB]

On 10/10/2021 at 3:38 PM, Honestlycurious said:

I'm not really sure I can see the reason for revealing all of this to my husband and hurting him and my marriage in the process...

You are missing the point entirely - you have already hurt your husband, he just doesn’t know it. 

You know that this relationship and your actions will be hurtful to him - you have demonstrated that you are aware of this by hiding the relationship for all these years. If this was above board, there would be no need to sneak around in secrecy. You post here trying to minimize the situation and you want to withhold a fundamental truth about your marriage from your husband - for almost the entire time he thought he had a devoted and monogamous partner, his wife  has been secretly engaging with another man. 

You are really doing him a kindness by not disclosing the incredibly hurtful way you have behaved throughout your marriage. That’s some justification…

It’s not the telling that causes the pain, it is every little decision you have to engage in this relationship outside your marriage for all these years…

Edited October 15, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, Nothanks said:

As for the view that an emotional affair is like porn and it isn’t as bad as a physical affair

The truth is, people who overuse and become addicted to porn create problems in their relationships too. The laying and secrecy becomes a problem, it tends to affect the intimacy between partners - porn in the extreme can be a very unhealthy behavior and it can negatively affect relationships to the point of breakup/divorce. 

So, your attempt to minimize by relating your affair to porn is not valid. It is also a first, I’ve never seen this particular justification on this board…

[elaine567]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

The truth is, people who overuse and become addicted to porn create problems in their relationships too. The laying and secrecy becomes a problem, it tends to affect the intimacy between partners - porn in the extreme can be a very unhealthy behavior and it can negatively affect relationships to the point of breakup/divorce. 

So, your attempt to minimize by relating your affair to porn is not valid. It is also a first, I’ve never seen this particular justification on this board…

It is kind of the same though, getting sexual jollles from someone who isn't your partner.
Spicing up your sex life by being aroused by someone else.
Men do it every day  but porn is considered "harmless" and accepted.
The OP is being vilified for essentially doing the same thing.
She is getting her excitement elsewhere and bringing it back to her own bedroom, just like so many guys do with porn..

[BaileyB]

39 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

It is kind of the same though, getting sexual jollles from someone who isn't your partner.
Spicing up your sex life by being aroused by someone else.
Men do it every day  but porn is considered "harmless" and accepted.
The OP is being vilified for essentially doing the same thing.
She is getting her excitement elsewhere and bringing it back to her own bedroom, just like so many guys do with porn..

Women do the same with porn, do they not? It’s not just men. I’m not saying that it’s a problem - some couples watch porn together to spice up their sex life.

Sure, people do lots of things to spice up their marriage - people read erotica, use porn, fantasize about an old flame or the neighbour next door.

My point being, excessive porn use is unhealthy for a relationship just as excessive contact with another man that does not respect the boundary of one’s primary relationship is also unhealthy for a marriage. It’s unhealthy for essentially the same reasons - it’s often hidden and done in secret and at its worst, it negatively affects the intimacy between partners.

This has crossed the line, has it not? She has been engaged in a secret relationship with another man through much of her marriage. Most people would find this inappropriate. 

Edited October 15, 2021 by BaileyB