9 year long emotional affair & now sexting

[Uruktopi]

52 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

You are missing the point entirely - you have already hurt your husband, he just doesn’t know it. 

This !

[Uruktopi]

18 hours ago, DKT3 said:

He wants to stay under the illusion that you've been a faithful honest wife, you have not. That reality would likely change his perspective. 

 

18 hours ago, DKT3 said:

This nonsense about you knowing is your punishment is a non-starter. You've been doing that for 9 years. 

I get you not wanting to tell your husband,  but its not for his benefit.  Its because it would mean a change in your affair,  its giving up control. 

People in affairs always feel they have control over both their affair and marriage.  You can come and go from one to the other as you please. 

This !

 

[Uruktopi]

12 hours ago, Distraught1 said:

I was loyal to my husband for 16 of those years.

Your own posts say otherwise.

Of course few of us would take seriously that sexting and / or online romance are not a sexual and also emotional betrayal in an expected to be exclusive relationship.

But what me, others and even you (yes, not even you) may think is less than relevant. Ask him, your partner, about.

Not only and not mainly for the sake of a moral standard and the virtues of honesty.

But cos some remaining loyalty for the most basic team of them all, the human couple, about what is not individual but the relationship domain.

Best wishes.

 

[Uruktopi]

16 hours ago, Honestlycurious said:

If I had a physical affair I would most definitely come clean, as that is not a decision or piece of information I get to withold for myself. 

Physical or not it was sexual and love or not it was emotional, as all affairs are both.

[Distraught1]

13 hours ago, DKT3 said:

You stated you were involved in a 5 year emotional affair in your first 5 years of your marriage

I also stated that I had no intention of being more than friends in those first 5 years. We work from home and it's isolating. I had small children at the time. I supported him going through a divorce with no sexual intentions. We never crossed any lines during those years. In hindsight, perhaps it was an emotional affair meaning that we were connected in an emotional way, as friends, but nothing more. I honestly had no intentions of anything more during those years. I was happy in my marriage and was a busy mom. He was someone that could identify with the work solitude, water cooler talk and difficulties of our jobs. Nothing more and honestly I regret ever crossing the line over the last two years. I wish we could have just continued with a friendship. It's brought too much confusion and anguish to my life because of the longevity and history. So as others have said here...ending it completely...ends a long time emotional friendship/connection which is a much greater loss than any type of physical interaction (which has been very limited, but did happen). I wish I could turn back the clock and keep it a plutonic work friendship but that ship has sailed. If I would have continued with the friendship only, I would not feel like I betrayed my husband. He knew about the 5 year friendship with this man. It didn't seem to bother him then. 

Edited October 15, 2021 by Distraught1

[Honestlycurious]

17 hours ago, elaine567 said:

I suggest to the OP, to stop the affair, stop  the hinting (he will get worried or guess correctly), work on her marriage and take the cheating info to her grave.

I completely and utterly agree with this elaine.. I just can't get my head around how any of these posters believe the right thing to do is to destroy an otherwise very happy marriage with my best friend who I adore for revealing a truth that will destroy everything that is good in our marriage and result in a relationship where there is never any trust ever again and that will probably inevitably end the marriage.. A marriage I want to stay in and save... All for an easy/dirty chat with someone once a month that is clearly only a fantasy and where neither side had real intentions to live out fantasy. 

How can this be the best outcome?! 

I will tell you this... If the shoe was on the other foot I would rather be blissfully unaware of what my husband was doing. Especially if I knew it was ended and knowing was going to lead to a lifetime of mistrust

[Distraught1]

7 minutes ago, Honestlycurious said:

How can this be the best outcome?! 

I agree with you. Just make sure you end the affair and then focus on strengthening your marriage. Keep working on you. You were in a bad place in the past and are now are realizing the unhealthy nature of the emails w/ the MM.

In this forum, as in life, advice is much easier given than to follow through with. But it is a great place to get hard truth.

You are clearly an intelligent, thoughtful women. Now just put what you know is right into action. Again, my advice is easier to give than to act on myself. However, it's a process and you are nearing the end. You can do this!  Do it for your best friend, your kids, but mostly yourself. Good luck!   

[Starswillshine]

27 minutes ago, Honestlycurious said:

I completely and utterly agree with this elaine.. I just can't get my head around how any of these posters believe the right thing to do is to destroy an otherwise very happy marriage with my best friend who I adore for revealing a truth that will destroy everything that is good in our marriage and result in a relationship where there is never any trust ever again and that will probably inevitably end the marriage.. A marriage I want to stay in and save... All for an easy/dirty chat with someone once a month that is clearly only a fantasy and where neither side had real intentions to live out fantasy. 

How can this be the best outcome?! 

I will tell you this... If the shoe was on the other foot I would rather be blissfully unaware of what my husband was doing. Especially if I knew it was ended and knowing was going to lead to a lifetime of mistrust

UMMM....... you already did all of that. YOU did that, not disclosing the real person that your spouse is married to.

Of course you think that... you are a wayward spouse thinking only about yourself. 

 

You potentially destroyed your marriage all for an easy/dirty chat with someone once a month that is clearly only a fantasy and wehre neither side had real intentions. YOU DESTROY IT FOR ONLY THAT. Do you ever hear yourself? 

[Honestlycurious]

Thanks so much Distraught and best of luck to you too. Its good to know there are like minded people to lean on in here if I need it... Same goes for you. But I hope we both remain strong and wilful to get through this and come out better for the experience 

[Uruktopi]

19 minutes ago, Distraught1 said:

If I would have continued with the friendship only, I would not feel like I betrayed my husband.

I trully sympathize with most of your post. 

Friendship is a very valuable, strongly needed side of life that haves no need to collide with loyalty to our partners.

My disagreement with your post is about...." ...I would not feel like I betrayed my husband."  You feel like what really happened. 

This, of course,  just IMO.

And far from taking you as a lost case, I am only trying to give you my view on the real state of things, where you stand so you can draw an also realistc road to where you may go where you want.

Something near to impossible while you still preffer to remain in a foggy, wayward description of things-

I wish you well, though I recognize we might differ on what being well maight mean.

And sorry for my bias, but I wish specially what maight be good for your husband in his own terms and not necessarily yours.

 

 

[Bittersweetie]

As wayward spouses we tell ourselves a lot of stuff to make our actions okay. Things like "he never needs to know" and "it's like X or Y so not that big of a deal" or "it's okay because H does/is A or B." We see these thoughts as justifying our behavior and thus we protect ourselves, because if what we were doing were out there, we know we'd have serious consequences. It's a selfish way to think, not surprising because of what we're doing.

When the affair ends, it can be difficult to jump start out of this selfish, protective mindset. Not because we're necessarily evil but because it's become our habit, become how we're used to seeing the world. Easy to fall back on. So we continue to say, "it's to protect H" and "why ruin the marriage." We do mental gymnastics in order to still put ourselves first and before others and reality.

You're continuing the "wayward thinking" or "affair fog" stuff that PP have alluded to earlier. I recognize it because I did it too. The only way your mind will clear is with time and NC and being fully accountable for your actions. Maybe right now that means going into therapy to determine why you thought your choices were okay and working on new mental habits and coping skills. Maybe later that will mean giving your husband his truth. But if you really want to get to a place of change and growth, a place of honesty and integrity, it will require facing things that are really, really uncomfortable and dealing with the fallout of them. I get the feeling you are strong enough if you can get past this initial difficult time. Good luck to you.

[Nothanks]

2 hours ago, Honestlycurious said:

Its good to know there are like minded people to lean on in here if I need it

Of course there are like minded people here.  There are forums here for people who betray their partners.  I’m sure you will find a lot of like minded people in jail too…those who don’t think laws apply to them. Just like there are like minded people who don’t  believe in keeping their marriage vows or who don’t take responsibility for their actions. Lots of those people exist.  I guess it comes down to what kind of person you want to be and whether you can live with the person that you are.  I think you underestimate the effect continued dishonesty will have on YOU and your marriage. But perhaps I’m being naive. I assumed that anyone who has had an affair and is reaching out for help would be willing to change their behaviour.

[Distraught1]

2 minutes ago, Nothanks said:

 I assumed that anyone who has had an affair and is reaching out for help would be willing to change their behaviour.

The OP is willing to change her behavior...are you reading the thread?

[Nothanks]

13 minutes ago, Distraught1 said:

The OP is willing to change her behavior...are you reading the thread?

Yes but you have not read or perhaps understood my comments in this thread.  White knuckling no contact is an action sure but not a demonstrable change in behaviour. Since she continues to lie by omission, her deceptive behaviour has not changed. And that deception is not healthy for her and is toxic to her marriage.  
 

I guess I’m not one of those “like minded” people she is looking to get validation from. 

Edited October 15, 2021 by Nothanks

[DKT3]

3 hours ago, Honestlycurious said:

I completely and utterly agree with this elaine.. I just can't get my head around how any of these posters believe the right thing to do is to destroy an otherwise very happy marriage with my best friend who I adore for revealing a truth that will destroy everything that is good in our marriage and result in a relationship where there is never any trust ever again and that will probably inevitably end the marriage.. A marriage I want to stay in and save... All for an easy/dirty chat with someone once a month that is clearly only a fantasy and where neither side had real intentions to live out fantasy. 

How can this be the best outcome?! 

I will tell you this... If the shoe was on the other foot I would rather be blissfully unaware of what my husband was doing. Especially if I knew it was ended and knowing was going to lead to a lifetime of mistrust

Because if cheaters love thier spouses the way they claim they would at least give some thought to the possibility that they are not whats best for them. Isn't that what you want for someone you love? Whats best for them.

WS live in denial,  its so evident with the two posting on this thread. 

Some much effort and energy go into the AP that it pulls away from the family,  very few will admit that.  They also believe that being excited about someone does not negatively impact the marriage.  Oh my spouse is boring,  sex is unfulfilling...well duh. You are living half your life in a fantasy,  with a person who is half real and half manifestation of all you desire in a mate. 

Denial....most often the cheater is not whats best for the betrayed they can't see past their entitlement and ego to understand this.

Best way to know? Give the spouse the opportunity to choose for themselves.  

This usually can't be understood by those who believe they are so amazing that two people are happy with only half of them. 

I've been amazing for 8 of 10 years...so what, you where horrible for 2, and those 2 years may mean this person no longer wants you in thier life. If you really love them, don't they deserve that option?

So yes, sometime the best thing to do is blow up the marriage...OP i really believe your marriage is repairable.  The other not so much, its a marriage built on lies for its foundation. 

 

[Honestlycurious]

DKT3 out of curiosity what is your story? I know you are a valuable member of this forum but I cannot seem to find the origins of why you came to the site in the first place. 

I would love to know from where the roots of your opinions grow

[DKT3]

I came here because I divorced my wife, and was considering getting back with her. 

She had an affair,  like you she tried to take it to her grave. But I knew,  I think I knew from the very start of it.

One night she made a mistake in an argument and there was no longer anyway I could deny what I had already known.

We had two small children who I didn't want to see a dysfunctional marriage, I had lost respect for her...all the lies that absolutely was an insult, so I divorced her.

We spent years apart, during this time I threw myself in affairs,  why women cheat, what I could have done differently.  I went to workshops,  therapy,  support groups as a member then as a leader.

The one thing that it always came down to is personal responsibility.  Its why I am so blunt with those who don't take any.  Those who act like it just happened to them. 

My wife and I slowly reconnected,  in part because she worked her a$$ off, in part because at the time I was a broken man and I felt no other woman deserved that ashole.  because we had been together since we were 16. Lastly because over the almost 20 years to that point she had been much better to me than I was to her.

But it was my choice. Once she got honest with me, opened up and became vulnerable I fell deeply in love with her, to this day we are closer than ever before,  our connection is amazing. 

I guess I post here because I want everyone to have that,  sometimes it simply can't be with the person you are with.  No way of knowing that until you strip bare and say this is me. If you get through that its great. She did that,  and what I saw was the most amazing and beautiful woman on this planet.  A woman I hadn't known in all our years together. 

[DKT3]

She also posts here from time to time,  although I don't believe she has in awhile,  I know she still reads.

[Honestlycurious]

Thanks for sharing your story. I understand a lot better now what your intentions are and that it's tough love rather than hatred and disgust towards the WSs on here (which is how it comes off). 

I need you to understand though that I am very early in this process and have not been caught - but wish to undo and repair any damage done to my marriage... So I will probably get to a time when I can put bigger steps in place. 

But first I need to be comfortable with NC (which is going great so far), really reflect on myself and how I came to make these decisions (possibly with the help of a therapist) and in time honesty may be the next step, but I am not strong enough yet. It is a huge thing to take on... And you don't walk into the sea during a storm unless you have some confidence in your swimming... I don't fancy drowning, it could end me and at present it wouldn't take much for the sea to swallow me up. 

Edited October 15, 2021 by Honestlycurious

[Nothanks]

7 minutes ago, Honestlycurious said:

it's tough love rather than hatred and disgust towards the WSs on here (which is how it comes off). 

I haven’t seen any hatred here.  Disgust…yes… but not hate.  Nobody here knows you enough to hate you. I believe everyone has your interest at heart even if you can’t see that. I know my comments may be harsh but have been meant to encourage you to make better decisions.  DKT3 just highlighted an example of what could happen if you continue to keep your affair a secret.  I don’t think your marriage is irreparable.  But the longer you are dishonest with your husband, the harder it will be to repair.

 

13 minutes ago, Honestlycurious said:

But first I need to be comfortable with NC (which is going great so far), really reflect on myself and how I came to make these decisions (possibly with the help of a therapist) and in time honesty may be the next step, but I am not strong enough yet. It is a huge thing to take on... And you don't walk into the sea during a storm unless you have some confidence in your swimming... I don't fancy drowning, it could end me and at present it wouldn't take much for the sea to swallow me up. 

Yes it is a huge thing to do and you need help to get there.  However your earlier comments about asking your husband to change or you will look elsewhere is just cruel.  If you are not ready to tell him yet, Ok but think about the damage you may be causing in the meantime. If/when he finds out, what will he think when he looks back on that conversation?  He is going to replay all sorts of events in his head and start to understand the truth of what was really going on. While you take time to get stronger, don’t dig your hole deeper.  

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, DKT3 said:

I came here because I divorced my wife, and was considering getting back with her. 

She had an affair,  like you she tried to take it to her grave. But I knew,  I think I knew from the very start of it.

One night she made a mistake in an argument and there was no longer anyway I could deny what I had already known.

We had two small children who I didn't want to see a dysfunctional marriage, I had lost respect for her...all the lies that absolutely was an insult, so I divorced her.

We spent years apart, during this time I threw myself in affairs,  why women cheat, what I could have done differently.  I went to workshops,  therapy,  support groups as a member then as a leader.

The one thing that it always came down to is personal responsibility.  Its why I am so blunt with those who don't take any.  Those who act like it just happened to them. 

My wife and I slowly reconnected,  in part because she worked her a$$ off, in part because at the time I was a broken man and I felt no other woman deserved that ashole.  because we had been together since we were 16. Lastly because over the almost 20 years to that point she had been much better to me than I was to her.

But it was my choice. Once she got honest with me, opened up and became vulnerable I fell deeply in love with her, to this day we are closer than ever before,  our connection is amazing. 

I guess I post here because I want everyone to have that,  sometimes it simply can't be with the person you are with.  No way of knowing that until you strip bare and say this is me. If you get through that its great. She did that,  and what I saw was the most amazing and beautiful woman on this planet.  A woman I hadn't known in all our years together. 

Ok you had the happy ending, but surely you don't think every woman who tells all is going to reconcile and have a happy ever after??
Future happiness after the great reveal is highly unlikely.
What is more likely is that he divorces asap and he hates her forever...  Kids are stuck in the middle of the battle and become traumatised and sad.

[DKT3]

9 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Ok you had the happy ending, but surely you don't think every woman who tells all is going to reconcile and have a happy ever after??
Future happiness after the great reveal is highly unlikely.
What is more likely is that he divorces asap and he hates her forever...  Kids are stuck in the middle of the battle and become traumatised and sad.

If they were concerned about the kids they would not have had the affair. So let's not put that on the BS if they decide they can't live with it.

Of course it's not going to play out for everyone,  but honesty will increase your chances of an authentic loving relationship,  that doesn't mean it has to be with that person.  Not all marriages are meant to be,  because so many people marry for the wrong reason. 

Edited October 15, 2021 by DKT3

[Uruktopi]

3 hours ago, Distraught1 said:

The OP is willing to change her behavior...are you reading the thread?

I am reading it for sure.

To attibute to "doing it for his good" and "what he don´t know can´t hurt him" to her plan is in the same very root of the wayward school of thought as the other collection of mind constructions that once sustainded her betrayal.

So, I wouldn´t take seriously a behavioural change that still includes such views.

Even, of course, if I wish her the best.

 

 

[Uruktopi]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

... but surely you don't think every woman who tells all is going to reconcile and have a happy ever after??
Future happiness after the great reveal is highly unlikely.

Future happiness after infidelity is highly unlikely. But may be, sometimes, doable.

I wouldn´t call happiness to the continuity of betrayal by other means.

[BaileyB]

10 hours ago, Honestlycurious said:

revealing a truth that will probably inevitably end the marriage.. A marriage I want to stay in and save... All for an easy/dirty chat with someone once a month that is clearly only a fantasy and where neither side had real intentions to live out fantasy. 

Indeed, it would be an absolute shame to lose your marriage over something so meaningless. 

And yet, that is one possible consequence if/when you are discovered.

You have risked your marriage for an easy/dirty chat with another man once a month. Was it worth it? 

Why are you putting the thing you say you value and want to keep (your marriage) at risk for something that you argue is easy and meaningless? It can’t possibly be meaningless if you are willing to risk your marriage for this other relationship? Can it? What does that say, if you risk the very thing you say you value most for a dirty chat once a month with another man?

10 hours ago, Honestlycurious said:

I just can't get my head around how any of these posters believe the right thing to do is to destroy an otherwise very happy marriage with my best friend who I adore

That can’t possibly be true or you wouldn’t be engaging in behavior that threatens to hurt your husband and destroy your marriage.

Consider this analogy - I enjoy a nice glass of wine. But, I value my children too much than to risk their lives by driving them to their friends home when I’ve been drinking. If you value your husband and your marriage, you should be making decisions that protect them - not place them at risk of harm. 

 

Edited October 16, 2021 by BaileyB