9 year long emotional affair & now sexting

[BaileyB]

Double post. 

Edited October 16, 2021 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

16 hours ago, Honestlycurious said:

All for an easy/dirty chat with someone once a month that is clearly only a fantasy and where neither side had real intentions to live out fantasy. 

Yes but that monthly chat for the past 9 years has no doubt saved your marriage and kept your family together  and maybe preserved your sanity. too.

[Uruktopi]

9 hours ago, BaileyB said:

It can’t possibly be meaningless if you are willing to risk your marriage for this other relationship? Can it? What does that say, if you risk the very thing you say you value most...

This is what in fact says what was at the top of of value.

To protest on what was subjectively preffered is quite irrelevant, instead. 

[Uruktopi]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Yes but that monthly chat for the past 9 years has no doubt saved your marriage and kept your family together  and maybe preserved your sanity. too.

"Yes but that monthly chat for the past 9 years has no doubt saved your marriage" At only the modicum price of making such mariage less than desirable.

[mark clemson]

A few more things to consider OP:

- IF your marriage really is intolerable without the attention of this chat guy, that is something you need to really look at, as (perhaps unsurprisingly) your needs are genuinely not being met in the marriage.

- Porn for men was mentioned; porn generally is essentially anonymous and when it's not it tends to become a lot more problematic. OP, perhaps you could consider the socially accepted "escape" of romance novels (aka "lady porn") as a much less risky alternative? However, again, if your marriage is such that you're genuinely constantly in need of an escape that is perhaps something you need to address.

- This stuff about kids is complete nonsense if we're talking about someone who's genuinely unhappy in their marriage. Actually divorcing breaks up the family, with the associated impact on kids. Having a discreet affair only risks breaking it up, and even if the affair is discovered sometimes the BS wants to reconcile. So it's reasonable to think someone could have an affair in an effort to make their marriage more tolerable for themselves while not ending it. Having the kids in mind is exactly one of the reasons someone might do this as an alternative to divorce. There is a LOT of baloney reasoning touted on the internet that requires a clear and logical view and rational comparison e.g. to alternatives such as divorce, to see past. The idea that the spouse must be told is another example.

Edited October 16, 2021 by mark clemson

[BaileyB]

25 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Having a discreet affair only risks breaking it up, and even if the affair is discovered sometimes the BS wants to reconcile. So it's reasonable to think someone could have an affair in an effort to make their marriage more tolerable for themselves while not ending it. Having the kids in mind is exactly one of the reasons someone might do this as an alternative to divorce.

That’s a mighty rationalization there.

I cheat on your mother because it’s in your best interest kids. I don’t want to break up the family, force you to move from your home, have to share custody - for you, I will stay and start another relationship because IF I don’t get caught - everyone gets what they want! 

Talk about baloney reasoning - 

Besides - OP stated above that she loves her husband and wants to keep her marriage. 

Quote

I just can't get my head around how any of these posters believe the right thing to do is to destroy an otherwise very happy marriage with my best friend who I adore

That’s a long way from - I need to do this because my marriage is intolerable… 

The simple truth here is that for the past nine years she has enjoyed both her marriage and her flirtatious relationship with a coworker. I commend you OP for wanting to end this before it escalates further… But I don’t sense a strong commitment from you. You’ve put your husband in a very difficult place. 

Edited October 16, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

I ask sincerely, how is this different than the MM who is getting blow jobs from his coworker at the office (as per a few stories on this site)?

He is otherwise content in his marriage, he is just enjoying a little extra attention and excitement - enjoying a fantasy, if you will. He has no intention of divorcing and would end his affair in a heartbeat if his wife becomes suspicious/he was discovered. 

The only different between the two to me is that you are simply talking about blow jobs. You haven’t crossed the line to physical touch. It is essentially a semantic argument - in the words of a former President, “I did not have sex with that woman.” Still, you are both getting off, I would assume emotionally and sexually, by sexting and fantasizing about the other. 

If you are honest with yourself - if husband was doing this with another woman, you would likely have a real problem with that.

Edited October 16, 2021 by BaileyB

[DKT3]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

That’s a mighty rationalization there.

I cheat on your mother because it’s in your best interest kids. I don’t want to break up the family, force you to move from your home, have to share custody - for you, I will stay and start another relationship because IF I don’t get caught - everyone gets what they want! 

Talk about baloney reasoning - 

Besides - OP stated above that she loves her husband and wants to keep her marriage. 

That’s a long way from - I need to do this because my marriage is intolerable… 

The simple truth here is that for the past nine years she has enjoyed both her marriage and her flirtatious relationship with a coworker. I commend you OP for wanting to end this before it escalates further… But I don’t sense a strong commitment from you. You’ve put your husband in a very difficult place. 

Its absolutely nonsense 🙄.  

Millions and millions of great people out in the world that are products of divorce.  Like most of the nonsense that falls out of wayward spouses mouths, its a self-serving line of reasoning. 

Anyone that has had to deal with a child who has found out about a parents affair this reasoning utter bs. 

When the affair is discovered,  try and use the "I did it for the family" and see how well that goes over. Ridiculous. 

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

That’s a mighty rationalization there.

Not at all. If you're unhappy to the point of genuinely wanting a divorce, such as due to emotional neglect from a partner, BUT don't want to have to put the kids through that, why WOULDN'T you cheat instead? If it enables you to stay happy enough to stay in the marriage - that spares the kids divorce.

Seems to me that, in that situation, DIVORCING would be the decision that requires rationalization. You're breaking up the family when you COULD be doing something where it has a chance to stay together? A discreet affair would indeed be what's best for the kids in some situations. Not all, but some.

The cheater always = bad, divorcer always = good reasoning is false and minimizes the impact of divorce. That's exactly what I'm talking about, and something OP needs to be aware of.

Edited October 16, 2021 by mark clemson

[Starswillshine]

12 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Not at all. If you're unhappy to the point of genuinely wanting a divorce, such as due to emotional neglect from a partner, BUT don't want to have to put the kids through that, why WOULDN'T you cheat instead? If it enables you to stay happy enough to stay in the marriage - that spares the kids divorce.

Seems to me that, in that situation, DIVORCING would be the decision that requires rationalization. You're breaking up the family when you COULD be doing something where it has a chance to stay together? A discreet affair would indeed be what's best for the kids in some situations. Not all, but some.

The cheater always = bad, divorcer always = good reasoning is false and minimizes the impact of divorce. That's exactly what I'm talking about, and something OP needs to be aware of.

Says the guy who had an emotional affair and uses this as his reasonings.... 

 

Of course you would believe this.. 

[elaine567]

I guess if the OP did not have these monthly chats then she would already be divorced by now or she would be in the middle of a full blown affair.
The BH does not meet her emotional and sexual needs, it is a big void that needs filled.
He appears to address the issues, then reverts back  to his "norm".
He has no intention of changing anything.
It will be a bit of a challenge "fixing" her marriage enough for it to continue long term. 
 

[Nothanks]

For those who think an affair is a way to save the marriage, why not let your spouse know about your philosophy so they can implement that strategy? Because you don’t want your spouse to be unfaithful to you right but your infidelity is OK….because it’s for the kids.  How noble. Why not tell your kids you are betraying mom or dad but it’s for their sake?. Please. An affair is a completely selfish and deceitful act. As I said before, there are lots of “like minded” people in the world. The question is what kind of person do you want to be.  Some people are ok with their unethical behaviour and that’s fine.  But don’t try to window dress it as a good thing. That is just lying to yourself.

[Starswillshine]

10 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I guess if the OP did not have these monthly chats then she would already be divorced by now or she would be in the middle of a full blown affair.
The BH does not meet her emotional and sexual needs, it is a big void that needs filled.
He appears to address the issues, then reverts back  to his "norm".
He has no intention of changing anything.
It will be a bit of a challenge "fixing" her marriage enough for it to continue long term. 
 

If this was a man doing this... would you really feel the same? 

[Uruktopi]

5 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I guess if the OP did not have these monthly chats then she would already be divorced by now or she would be in the middle of a full blown affair.
The BH does not meet her emotional and sexual needs, it is a big void that needs filled.
He appears to address the issues, then reverts back  to his "norm".
He has no intention of changing anything.
It will be a bit of a challenge "fixing" her marriage enough for it to continue long term. 
 

No institution is in itself more valuable than what it labels, neither is marriage.

"I guess if the OP did not have these monthly chats then she would already be divorced by now"  A quite better alternative given those monthly chats.

"...or she would be in the middle of a full blown affair"

Only valid if you do not consider what she did a more than enough full affair.

You don´t, I  do. The only one whose oppinion should count (no, neither the OP´s one) is her husband.

And he is being deceived to denny him such right.

"The BH does not meet her emotional and sexual needs, it is a big void that needs filled."

Good enough to grant divorce. No to feel entitled to cake eating.

"It will be a bit of a challenge "fixing" her marriage enough for it to continue long term."

Given what you said about her BH this was once an improbable task.

That back in time, before her betrayal (IF there was such before).

Now......it´s no more about being improbable. It´s about being desirable and not only for her. Something I honestly doubt-

 

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, Starswillshine said:

Says the guy who had an emotional affair and uses this as his reasonings....

Actually that's incorrect. My reasoning here is based on logic that actually fits (some) situations that others might be in, but is not a reflection of thought processes that were going on in my life when I "caught feelings"/had limerence for a woman I flirted with.

The same mirror can of course be turned on those who chose to divorce when they were unhappy (ie, due to a Dday). But I think that's enough of making this thread about people who aren't the OP.

[Starswillshine]

8 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

chose to divorce when they were unhappy (ie, due to a Dday).

Yes, chosing to divorce because you are unhappy is a better choice than letting someone else live with a knife stabbed in their back..... 

[mark clemson]

6 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

Yes, chosing to divorce because you are unhappy is a better choice than letting someone else live with a knife stabbed in their back..... 

That's a matter of opinion only and not necessarily what's best for the kids.

[Nothanks]

32 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

The BH does not meet her emotional and sexual needs, it is a big void that needs filled.

Sometimes people lack self esteem which is why they seek out external validation.  They are a black hole that no one person can fulfill.  Id be interested in her husband’s side of the story.  Regardless, if she was unhappy, she had other more honest choices. I do find it interesting though the number of cheating spouses who suddenly become unhappy with the marriage AFTER they start cheating. Funny coincidence that.  

[Starswillshine]

1 minute ago, mark clemson said:

That's a matter of opinion only and not necessarily what's best for the kids.

An unhappy home is definitely not what is best for the kids. 

But whatever helps you justify it. 

[Nothanks]

14 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

That's a matter of opinion only and not necessarily what's best for the kids.

To quote Dr. Phil, it is better to be from a broken home than be in one.  Trying to dress up an affair as a noble act is just a vomit inducing rationalization.  Using that kind of “logic”, why not steal a new car or rob a bank “for the kids”?  I mean sure that is pretty basic thinking that stealing = bad and obeying the law = good but I guess I’m just not very creative.  

Edited October 16, 2021 by Nothanks

[mark clemson]

What Dr. Phil says is essentially a slogan, although I could certainly see it applying in situations of domestic violence. A divorced family IS a broken family and a child of divorce is IN one while they're growing up.

Trying to dress up divorce when there are alternatives as "what's best for kids" certainly requires vast amounts of rationalization as well.

 

Edited October 16, 2021 by mark clemson

[BaileyB]

This whole discussion just makes me 🙄

”Kids, cheated on your mother because it was in your best interest that I do so if it allowed me to stay in the marriage and keep our family together…” and also “Honey, I didn’t tell you about the affair because it was in your best interest that you don’t know the truth. I didn’t want to hurt you - I was doing the kind thing, trying to protect you…”

Where does one get this sense of entitlement I wonder?

 

[Nothanks]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

Trying to dress up divorce when there are alternatives as "what's best for kids" certainly requires vast amounts of rationalization as well.

Nobody here is dressing up divorce or trying to rationalize it. It sucks for everyone for sure but as long as kids have two healthy stable households, the transition ends at some point.  Keeping an affair “secret” and the inevitable leakage of dysfunction that seeps into the marriage/household can continue indefinitely.  

In terms of alternatives, you mean alternatives like having resentment towards a spouse because of unspoken marital concerns about not being fulfilled or happy which manifests itself into the lies and betrayal of an affair?  Those kind of alternatives are “what’s best for the kids.”? I mistakenly thought having healthy parents and a stable home or homes was what is best for the kids.  I guess I never considered a sham of a marriage as “good for the kids”.  But then again, I’ve never “caught feelings” for someone else as they floated through the ether and happened to land on me as an unwilling victim.

 

I am fully aware there are people in this world who do whatever they want regardless of who they hurt. I don’t think OP is that kind of person or she wouldn’t be posting here.  I just hope for her sake that while she figures herself out, she doesn’t make her situation worse.  Enabling her to rationalize her actions as “good for the marriage” is not (in my opinion) helping her (or frankly “good for her marriage”).

Edited October 16, 2021 by Nothanks
Typo

[Honestlycurious]

Reading through everybody's comments I am absolutely able to see both sides. 

However, ultimately I feel that what I have done is what it is and will stay with me to the grave.

Also, I agree that there were both internal (my head) and external (husband's emotional/physical shortfalls) factors that played their part in what happened and there is ongoing strong efforts from both happening now which makes me believe I and my marriage will come out stronger. 

Everybody handles these situations differently and I don't see the benefit to divorce, full out exposure or any other action that will result in the termination of my marriage. 

Let this be said though - I will not have a repeat of this situation occur ever again. If I even remotely sniff it out in the distance I will be sitting with my OH and talking openly and frankly. Burying my negative feelings and projecting them into another external body from the marriage is no way to handle it. 

[DKT3]

Unfortunately,  you are most likely going to fail, and even then its unlikely you will be honest. 

If it a been six months or a year I would think its possible...but 9 years of what you've minimized a great deal makes this too big to handle for some unwilling to own it and take responsibility. 

Your willingness to demand change from your husband and continuing to make him seem like the problem points to your entitlement and selfishness.  

This all makes it extremely unlikely to be a success.