9 year long emotional affair & now sexting

[Honestlycurious]

On 10/15/2021 at 8:46 PM, Nothanks said:

I think you underestimate the effect continued dishonesty will have on YOU and your marriage. But perhaps I’m being naive. I assumed that anyone who has had an affair and is reaching out for help would be willing to change their behaviour.

I'm not sure how "changing behaviour" can only = coming clean and cannot = changing behaviour!... i.e knowing the error of your ways and working on that. Surely is that not what changing behaviour is. There is no "continued dishonesty"... as there is a vow to NC which I intend on keeping. 

[Honestlycurious]

I'll be back here to prove you all wrong.. Just watch this space. All you naysayers are very narrow minded in your thought process if you think that the only way to get through anything in life is to be completely open and honest 100% of the time... There's an old saying "skeletons in the closet" for a reason.. People live life with things buried and do fine with that. 

Who's to say my husband doesn't have his... It could explain his distance... Do I need to know? Hell no!!! Ignorance is absolute bliss in my opinion. 

Will I be a worse and more distant and removed spouse because of this... No. If anything I am more engaged and present and deliberate in my actions, thrusting myself more than ever into this marriage because I know now how important it is for me for it to succeed...and where would I be if I revealed everything and my marriage was pulled from underneath me?? And my husband left with a broken heart that would otherwise be unscathed and still full of love and all that is still great in our marriage.. But instead would stand a broken man.. Because I felt I needed to get it off my chest. 

That is a person who cannot live with their regrets or a life of guilt is what that is. Not someone who is doing what is best for their spouse. I understand that the BS is being given the ability to choose, but hindsight aside - I am sure all you BSs on this thread..... If you're really honest with yourself... You would choose not to know (if your marriage was not strifed or you didn't catch your WS in the act) 

[Uruktopi]

26 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

Unfortunately,  you are most likely going to fail, and even then its unlikely you will be honest. 

If it a been six months or a year I would think its possible...but 9 years of what you've minimized a great deal makes this too big to handle for some unwilling to own it and take responsibility. 

Your willingness to demand change from your husband and continuing to make him seem like the problem points to your entitlement and selfishness.  

This all makes it extremely unlikely to be a success. 

I strongly hope you are wrong.

But I suspect you are right.

[Uruktopi]

15 minutes ago, Honestlycurious said:

If you're really honest with yourself... You would choose not to know

Not really.

And, sadly, I have how to know abou this.

Edited October 17, 2021 by Uruktopi

[DKT3]

There is actually a thread started shortly before you came, and not one BS said they wish they hadn't known.  I have not read it in a while so there may be one now...but doubtful. 

Let me explain why I'm confident that you will fail. Your posts are full of contradictions and delusion.  Example,  you say what you did is nothing, a few messages here and there, yet you jump right to divorce when honesty is suggested.  You then say my husband would want to be with me. 

Secondly,  because you're not being honest with us or more importantly yourself about the depth of your affair it shows your more interested in protecting your affair then you are your husband or even yourself since you say you don't believe you can handle your husband leaving. Not to mention you are  not properly prepared to tackle any of this. 

I would suggest that you dig into some threads here.  

[BaileyB]

19 minutes ago, Honestlycurious said:

Who's to say my husband doesn't have his... It could explain his distance... Do I need to know? Hell no!!! Ignorance is absolute bliss in my opinion. 

Spoken like a true wayward spouse…

If my partner is cheating on me, I will always want to know. He does not get to make decisions for MY life without my consent. Period. 

[DKT3]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

Spoken like a true wayward spouse…

If my partner is cheating on me, I will always want to know. He does not get to make decisions for MY life without my consent. Period. 

She can say this because I bet she is pretty confident he isn't. If her marriage was as important to her as she claims the idea that he could possibly be cheating would make her really uneasy and she would want to know.

[Honestlycurious]

6 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

You say what you did is nothing, a few messages here and there, yet you jump right to divorce when honesty is suggested

I mention divorce because every BS that is giving advice here is suggesting it.. I never once suggested I wanted a divorce. I'm simply commenting on people's posts

9 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

because you're not being honest with us or more importantly yourself about the depth of your affair it shows your more interested in protecting your affair

What in this loooong thread tells you that I'm not being honest? I have no reason to hide anything on here - it is an anonymous platform where I clearly came to be honest in a safe place, so what reason would I have to be anything but? 

You only say that because if I was being honest it wouldn't suit your definition of a  "wayward spouse" which you insist I must fit

[Honestlycurious]

9 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

She can say this because I bet she is pretty confident he isn't. If her marriage was as important to her as she claims the idea that he could possibly be cheating would make her really uneasy and she would want to know.

I know for a fact that there is a female colleague that he speaks with more than would be considered normal... About family life woes. Who's to say there isn't more to that? I'm not snooping though and as much as I may be intrigued, I don't feel the need to check. I have never lifted his phone or intruded in his personal life

[DKT3]

Just now, Honestlycurious said:

I mention divorce because every BS that is giving advice here is suggesting it.. I never once suggested I wanted a divorce. I'm simply commenting on people's posts

What in this loooong thread tells you that I'm not being honest? I have no reason to hide anything on here - it is an anonymous platform where I clearly came to be honest in a safe place, so what reason would I have to be anything but? 

You only say that because if I was being honest it wouldn't suit your definition of a  "wayward spouse" which you insist I must fit

Not true, I say it because I don't believe you truly understand what it will take to cut out nine years of your life. 

Personal I don't think what you've done makes your marriage issues unsolvable. Its your attitude and approach that's putting your marriage at greater risk

[Honestlycurious]

1 minute ago, DKT3 said:

Not true, I say it because I don't believe you truly understand what it will take to cut out nine years of your life. 

Personal I don't think what you've done makes your marriage issues unsolvable. Its your attitude and approach that's putting your marriage at greater risk

What attitude is that? 

[DKT3]

4 minutes ago, Honestlycurious said:

What attitude is that? 

This idea that you can fix your marriage without putting the biggest issue on the table.  Its entitlement and extremely selfish just like your 9 year affair.  I know you don't see it, but you will. 

 

[Nothanks]

33 minutes ago, Honestlycurious said:

I'm not sure how "changing behaviour" can only = coming clean and cannot = changing behaviour!... i.e knowing the error of your ways and working on that. Surely is that not what changing behaviour is. There is no "continued dishonesty"... as there is a vow to NC which I intend on keeping.

How are you changing the errors of your ways?  By stopping your affair but continuing to keep it a secret from your husband? You are still being dishonest by concealing your infidelity. Look at Bittersweetie’s post. Truly changing your WW behaviour is much deeper than just ceasing to cheat.  It involves changing your WW mindset.  

As for not wanting to know if your husband is cheating, that is perfectly fine for you to make that decision for yourself.  Not fine for you to make that decision for him.

I can see you don’t like my comments. I completely understand.  It is hard to accept any view that conflicts with your own vision of yourself.  So I will no longer irritate you by commenting further. I do sincerely hope you keep your vow of NC, as well as your marriage vows, in the future.

[Uruktopi]

21 minutes ago, Honestlycurious said:

You only say that because if I was being honest it wouldn't suit your definition of a  "wayward spouse" which you insist I must fit

Oh my! If you are convinced that you do not fit I hope never to be in a relationship with someone with your implied definition of loyal spouse.

[Uruktopi]

20 minutes ago, Honestlycurious said:

What attitude is that? 

Short answer, your actual one.

[Honestlycurious]

2 minutes ago, Nothanks said:

As for not wanting to know if your husband is cheating, that is perfectly fine for you to make that decision for yourself.  Not fine for you to make that decision for him

What happens though if he doesn't want to know and it is too late once it's out? You can't wrap something like that back up and forget it ever happened. 

Of all the things, that for me is the biggest. He may not want to know, but the only way to know that is to tell him and then it's too late.. That make sense? 

[Uruktopi]

5 minutes ago, Nothanks said:

As for not wanting to know if your husband is cheating, that is perfectly fine for you to make that decision for yourself.  Not fine for you to make that decision for him.

This

[Uruktopi]

1 minute ago, Honestlycurious said:

What happens though if he doesn't want to know and it is too late once it's out? You can't wrap something like that back up and forget it ever happened. 

Of all the things, that for me is the biggest. He may not want to know, but the only way to know that is to tell him and then it's too late.. That make sense? 

No

[BaileyB]

24 minutes ago, Honestlycurious said:

I know for a fact that there is a female colleague that he speaks with more than would be considered normal... About family life woes. Who's to say there isn't more to that?

Well then, what is there to save? If you are both engaging inappropriately with other people - what’s the purpose in continuing this sham of a marriage. 

[BaileyB]

23 minutes ago, Honestlycurious said:

What happens though if he doesn't want to know and it is too late once it's out? You can't wrap something like that back up and forget it ever happened. 

No, you can’t wrap something like this back up and pretend it never happened - despite your best attempt to do exactly that. 

Edited October 17, 2021 by BaileyB

[Uruktopi]

21 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Well then, what is there to save? If you are both engaging inappropriately with other people - what’s the purpose in continuing this sham of a marriage. 

You are right.

But would be the same with only one of them doing it, regardless whom.

Wait....there is already one...........

Edited October 17, 2021 by Uruktopi

[DKT3]

You asked what about this long post makes me believe you're not being honest? 

From the start I've felt you weren't being honest, but when I started reading i was occupied and not really taking it in. 

I just went back and read some again.  

First you said it wasn't physical but that not true, you've kissed. Thats physical, minimal but still.

Secondly you said we were friends first..not true. You mentioned that that the attraction and connection was instant. Making him a romantic interest not a friend. 

Lastly you've described your marriage as having no intimacy.  Yet you say if you want sex you husband doesn't reject you. 

Having gone back, I've realized this thing is purely selfish.  You saw a hot guy started up with him married your husband and started blaming him for all the issues in your marriage.  Just like that other poster you have a sham marriage built on lies and infidelities. 

Fluid stories are pointless here, no reason to not be fully honest when claiming to be looking for a way out.

I wish you luck, I don't believe your ready or willing to accept responsibility and change your situation. 

Edited October 17, 2021 by DKT3

[Starswillshine]

OP,

I'm not advocating that you have to tell your husband right now or everything is a failure. But you have to be honest with yourself (it is nothing to us, we log off and go on with our lives). The reason you do not want to tell is because YOU do not want to deal with the consequences of these actions. No one is saying that you are wrong for feeling that way, but it is irking to read all these rationales as if you are a martyr taking this to your grave and suffering silently. PLEASE....  Just be honest about your real intention. Because if all of these things REALLY matter to you to the extent you are saying they do, you would not have engaged. 

You also need to be honest about your part in this unhappy marriage. You may think this "affair" has helped your marriage. But for 9 years your husband did not even know he was in a competition. You fantasized about another man. Whether consciously or not, you compared. No doubt there were times in your mind, you were wishing your husband was more like your AP in SOME aspect. I don't know how long you have been married (you likely stated) but NINE years is a long time to have someone else occupying your mind. On top of this, these illicit, secret affairs provide different types of hormone spikes which makes a marriage hard to compare to. It's just dull in comparison. 

First things first, stay no contact. I commend you for taking those steps. Then you need to start looking at yourself and your actions. You need to STOP looking at what your husband doesn't provide for you, and look at your actions instead... and see how those have contributed to your unhappiness and unsatisfactory in your marriage. Start taking responsibility for all of this. Be honest with yourself.

People who are against divorce at all cost do not engage in the riskiest behavior that can lead to divorce. PERIOD. 

As an aside, since you said BSs need to be honest with themselves... if I could go back in time and never find out about my Ex-WH's affair, would I prefer that? And the answer is HELL TO THE NO! I am so happy I found out because I do not want to continue to give my heart, my life, my years, my sanity to someone who will stab me in the back. The thing with hindsight is.... people who do this, do not respect their spouse... now that I am in a healthy relationship with someone who hasn't cheated on me, it is night and difference in the every day behaviors. Had I never found out, I would have spent another 40 years of my life giving to a man who did not respect me. What a sad life. 

[Bittersweetie]

HC I hope you do come back and give us an update. There have been other WWs here in the past few years who decided to invest their effort into their marriage without telling the BH about the affair. They too thought they could change without revealing the truth. And they never come back. I don't know if it's because things worked out for them, or things didn't work out for them and they don't want to face a bunch of "I told you so." I would be interested in the outcomes.

My H is my best friend and my husband. I tell him everything. Maybe our trust is not 100% anymore but it is close. And we are where we are because we were both fully vulnerable and honest with each other after d-day, even when it was painful and hard and looked like we wouldn't make it. It's like I said...I'm not sure how one can build a strong house on a cracked foundation. Eventually the crack will have an effect on the house.

I wish you luck and encourage you to start therapy soon in order to have a non-judgemental third party to sort all this out with. Someone who will hold you accountable. Good luck to you.

[Honestlycurious]

11 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

You also need to be honest about your part in this unhappy marriage. You may think this "affair" has helped your marriage. But for 9 years your husband did not even know he was in a competition. You fantasized about another man. Whether consciously or not, you compared. No doubt there were times in your mind, you were wishing your husband was more like your AP in SOME aspect. I don't know how long you have been married (you likely stated) but NINE years is a long time to have someone else occupying your mind. On top of this, these illicit, secret affairs provide different types of hormone spikes which makes a marriage hard to compare to. It's just dull in comparison. 

First things first, stay no contact. I commend you for taking those steps. Then you need to start looking at yourself and your actions. You need to STOP looking at what your husband doesn't provide for you, and look at your actions instead... and see how those have contributed to your unhappiness and unsatisfactory in your marriage. Start taking responsibility for all of this. Be honest with yourself.

I definitely agree with you and am 100% committed to this process. 

And thanks for your comment too Bittersweetie, I'll defo take what you say on board.. And I'll fall into the minority and come back with a good update for you! Probably not on this if it becomes frozen... But I'll post fresh in the forum.