why would a Christian marry an unbeliever?

[E-mc2]

A little background first.  I met my wife over 10 years ago.  We dated for several years before getting married.  When we met I was a Christian.  During the several years we dated my beliefs began to change.  Right before we got engaged I told her that I could no longer consider myself a Christian and I had no idea what my beliefs would be in the future.  That I was in a place where I was searching things out and couldn't promise her anything.  She was very clear that she wanted to get married anyway.  Right or wrong it's just a choice that we both made and went for it.  I figured it wouldn't be an issue because she really wasn't strong in her beliefs but her family is very religious (as is mine).  I also did feel a little pressure to marry a Christian girl at that time because of my strong religious upbringing and family heritage.  At that time she was the perfect fit for me.  A Christian who wasn't very serious about her faith.  

So eight years later everything is pretty much fine.  I consider us to have a better than average marriage although we really don't include religion in it.  We just believe differently but love each other.  We sometimes talk about God but not all that often.  Sometimes I wish we had common ground but other times I see where variety is good too.  But I'll admit I'm getting to the place where I want to talk more about these things and even perhaps challenge her more on why she believes what she believes.

Anyway, what is on my mind today is this question...  Why would a believer marry an unbeliever in the first place?  It completely goes against every holy book and advice from spiritual leaders.  How could someone who grew up so richly in the church make such a tactical error?  I know if she asked her parents and friends at the time they all would have said, "no way".

Does anyone have a comments or insights to this?  There are reasons why this is on my mind and maybe I can get to that later.  

[glows]

I disagree that marrying an unbeliever goes against "every holy book and advice from spiritual leaders". I come from a multicultural/multiethnic area so intermarrying into different faiths is common and not a big deal. I understand it can be an issue for other couples. The main thing that stood out to me above is why you feel the need to challenge her in her beliefs when the disturbing thoughts come from you. If she bothers you or her beliefs bother you, don't take it out on her. You can find your answers with some soulsearching. Don't let your differences drive you apart. I also sense some guilt from you as if you might have made the wrong decision or she might have made the wrong decision marrying each other. Let go of all that.

One mistake I found in my search for answers in my faith is avoiding the church/institution. You may be surprised what you find if you are willing to discuss or be amongst others who are searching for similar answers to these questions. 

Edited October 7, 2021 by glows

[vla1120]

Perhaps the believer finds good qualities in the non-believer that he/she does not want to bypass on the chance he/she will find those qualities in another person.

Clearly, calling oneself a christian does not predispose them to having all good qualities and moral standards - quite the contrary, in fact. Many evil-doers hide behind the facade of christianity (and other organized religions.) 

 

 

[flitzanu]

"why would a christian marry a nonbeliever"

--because it isn't 900 A.D. anymore

[elaine567]

53 minutes ago, E-mc2 said:

.  But I'll admit I'm getting to the place where I want to talk more about these things and even perhaps challenge her more on why she believes what she believes.

You say everything is fine yet you seem to want to rock the boat, why?

[E-mc2]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

You say everything is fine yet you seem to want to rock the boat, why?

I'm not exactly sure why.  Maybe it's because I feel pressure from all sides (other family)?  I'm very quiet about my beliefs to my extended family but it doesn't take long before they get the sense that something has changed because I'm not going along with their rhetoric like I used to.  I like your question and it makes me think maybe my wife isn't the source of my uneasy feelings.

As I think and type, perhaps part of this stems from the fact that my kids are coming to the age of learning.  We always agreed that we would "teach" them about all religions but wouldn't "make" them choose any of their beliefs.  That sounds good in practice but it doesn't happen that way in reality.  Everyone wants a piece of my kids, I feel.  They go to church a couple times a month (which I'm fine with).  But also any time spent with extended family they make sure to engrain their individual beliefs upon them.  Let me illustrate.  I recently had a conversation with a family member and he told me how important it was that I teach my kids the bible.  He went on to say how the bible is the only source of truth and if I put my kids in the public school system they will be brainwashed to be against god.  Basically he went on and on how if I don't forcefully teach them his exact religion they will be lost.

I didn't really want to get into all that because it was off the main topic.  But you asked the question and I answered.  I think all that has a lot to do with how I feel.  I'm not bothered by what my wife believes and I don't think she is bothered too much by what I believe but when you throw kids into the mix that changes things a little.  Because here is the thing.  If my kids are brainwashed with hardcore religion there are 50 people around me who think that's a wonderful thing, including my wife (maybe).  But I stand alone in saying, it's fine to teach them, but lets also teach them some basic critical thinking skills and let them decide on their own.

My wife if very level headed.  I've learned a lot from her in life.  She is the one who takes them to church but as I think though all this it makes me wonder if she feels the same pressure from her family and is just doing it "because they want me to, I'm expected to, and I don't want to disappoint or hurt my parents".  I'd like to know and maybe that's a big reason why I want to talk more to her about it.  But at the same time I don't want to rock the boat either.  

This might seem like a rather fundamentally easy situation.  But it's not.  Religion runs really deep in people and they can get easily offended.    

1 hour ago, flitzanu said:

"why would a christian marry a nonbeliever"

--because it isn't 900 A.D. anymore

You're right, but the sad truth is there are many fundamentalist religious folks who do think it's 900 A.D.

1 hour ago, vla1120 said:

Perhaps the believer finds good qualities in the non-believer that he/she does not want to bypass on the chance he/she will find those qualities in another person.

Clearly, calling oneself a christian does not predispose them to having all good qualities and moral standards - quite the contrary, in fact. Many evil-doers hide behind the facade of christianity (and other organized religions.) 

 

 

I really like that.  That's a very genuine response on how people should view and treat others.  Unfortunately I have family members who don't think that way.  They think all non-religious people are evil.  I had a conversation with my uncle who said.  "the worst christian is better than the best atheist".  That's so wrong on so many different levels.    

1 hour ago, glows said:

 Don't let your differences drive you apart. I also sense some guilt from you as if you might have made the wrong decision or she might have made the wrong decision marrying each other. Let go of all that.

I like that.  The last thing I want to do is drive us apart.  More importantly I need to make sure I don't inadvertantly drive us apart.  These things can be vary delicate and it could cause division even when you had no intention of that happening.  I'm going to look within myself to see what's bothering me first before I try to bring anything up to my wife about it.  Like you said, "don't take it out on her" as it may have nothing to do with her.

  

[basil67]

3 hours ago, E-mc2 said:

Why would a believer marry an unbeliever in the first place?  It completely goes against every holy book and advice from spiritual leaders.  How could someone who grew up so richly in the church make such a tactical error? 

They do it because they have love and respect for those who have different belief systems.  

[Wiseman2]

You're in  a tough spot if you and your wife wish for your kids to have the benefit of religious education but not be indoctrinated by overzealous extended family.

Alongside whatever formal religious training they get, make sure to lead and guide in your own way as parents.

 For example make sure you tell them that everyone has beliefs but you and mom believe while everyone has beliefs, most are basically saying "be a good person" in their own way. 

Also make sure you socialize and educate your children as you and your wife see fit, including schools which teach science and social situations where children of different faiths and ethnicities are involved. Make friends with families that are not your religion or ethnicity.

The best defense against narrowmindedness is exposure to real people who you forge friendships with. Sports, groups, clubs, summer camps, girl/boy scouts, music lessons, dance lessons, whatever. You see the humanity first and The Book they read later, if at all.

Travel is another leveler and educator. Visit museums.  Point out famous musicians, actors, humanitarians, etc. who are not of your faith/ethnicity.

Edited October 7, 2021 by Wiseman2

[BaileyB]

On 10/7/2021 at 4:00 PM, basil67 said:

They do it because they have love and respect for those who have different belief systems.  

I do agree with this and I think there is far to little of it in the world today…

To challenge your thinking OP, I will ask you this, why would a non-believer marry someone who is devotedly Christian/committed to their faith? 

Edited October 8, 2021 by BaileyB

[DKT3]

On 10/7/2021 at 4:00 PM, basil67 said:

They do it because they have love and respect for those who have different belief systems.  

I think they do it because they believe they can change them.

This dynamic is far more reaching than religious beliefs,  it encompasses every aspect.  Sexual people marry non sexual people.  People who prioritize money marry people who could care less beyond paying bills. People who want children marry people who don't. 

Fundamental differences is the second leading cause of divorce.  Its usually there the whole time. Sometimes its not that important other times its a deal breaker. Mostly when it becomes clear that you can't change people's Fundamental beliefs. 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, DKT3 said:

I think they do it because they believe they can change them 

Nope.  My ex-h was a Christian and I'm athiest.  Of the things which went wrong for us, religion wasn't one of them.  With both respected each other's views and didn't try to change each other or debate the topic.

[DKT3]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Nope.  My ex-h was a Christian and I'm athiest.  Of the things which went wrong for us, religion wasn't one of them.  With both respected each other's views and didn't try to change each other or debate the topic.

Interesting,  did you two have children?

 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, DKT3 said:

Interesting,  did you two have children?

 

No, we married too young and had broken up by the time I was 24

[DKT3]

Children are what usually cause the rift. 

My wife catholic school all the way, I attended also which is how we met but only two years.  

From the time we met until our first child was school aged we Respectfully disagreed,  then it was WWIII. I ABSOLUTELY  refused to send my kids to parochial school.  

[Guildford]

One reason Christianity spread in the dark ages following the fall of Rome is that Pagan kings married Christian wives, and later the wife would bug the hell out of the king until he converted.

[Acacia98]

E-mc2:

In your particular case, it doesn't sound to me like the children are the source of the rift. It just sounds like you need stronger boundaries when dealing with your relatives and your wife's relatives. 

I come from a background where believing/not believing is not central to a couple's union. So I guess to me, there's nothing strange about a Christian and an "unbeliever" marrying. The couple just needs to be realistic about (1) whether they are truly compatible and (2) how to negotiate differences when they come up.

Edited October 9, 2021 by Acacia98

[Weezy1973]

16 hours ago, DKT3 said:

Children are what usually cause the rift. 

My wife catholic school all the way, I attended also which is how we met but only two years.  

From the time we met until our first child was school aged we Respectfully disagreed,  then it was WWIII. I ABSOLUTELY  refused to send my kids to parochial school.  

Yes agree with this. Having kids is what changes things. @E-mc2 the way my parents would navigate this (one a fervent atheist, the other kind of an ambiguous agnostic, although had other family members that were religious), would be just to explain that different people have different beliefs. So when your family members try to push their Christian beliefs, you can explain to your child (not in front of the family members) that that's what they believe. And that you believe different things. You can even be proactive and discuss different religions and beliefs and let them know when they get older they can believe whatever they want.

[Justanaverageguy]

I think a really obvious point is just that our beliefs values and the amount of importance we place on faith changes over time.

Though many people are raised in religious families - for most people of faith the late teen and early/mid 20s are the time when faith has the least importance and it has a much lower priority in their lives. This is also when most people form their long term romantic relationships. As a result when choosing a partner they may not consider their differing spiritual beliefs to be a problem.

But very frequently as they grow, age and experience life, love, loss, go through trials and triumphs, setbacks anl promotions - have children etc many feel a strong draw back to the faith and God. This becomes a much higher priority in their lives.

Thus you can end up with a situation where the priorities of a person when choosing a husband and wife are very different to 10 years later when that relationship is established.

Edited October 10, 2021 by Justanaverageguy

[Justanaverageguy]

On 10/8/2021 at 6:45 AM, E-mc2 said:

I really like that.  That's a very genuine response on how people should view and treat others.  Unfortunately I have family members who don't think that way.  They think all non-religious people are evil.  I had a conversation with my uncle who said.  "the worst christian is better than the best atheist".  That's so wrong on so many different levels.    

I would say this isn't a "normal" view for Christians. Christians generally don't think non believers are evil ..... But Christianity does teach that entering into the "spiritual" life by participating in Christian religious activities comes with added responsibility and requirements. Requirements to live a more pure and disciplined life which others outside the faith may not follow. What is commonly termed "Holy" or "Concecrated". Those words literally mean - set apart - or reserved for special use. Basically becoming a "true" Christian puts additional moral and behavioural requirements on a person.

Many non believers don't understand this for obvious reasons - because they don't believe in the spiritual aspect. But the religion teaches that through participation in the religious activities followers receive and are exposed "spirit" or spiritual energy. And the teaching is really that this is a double edged sword. 

Receiving the spirit is considered to be a huge positive benefit on a person's life ........ If they act in ways that respects, guards and protects the purity of the spirit they receive. But it's considered to be very negative if they don't. Essentially by not following the stricter and more discipled moral lifestyle the spiritual energy they receive could be corrupted which would then have very negative effects on their well being. 

Water is often used as a metaphor for spirit in Christianity and so it's basically like protecting the cleanliness of water. Receiving this source of clean spiritual water is hugely beneficial if you keep it clean .... It brings happiness, peace, love etc. But if you don't keep it clean and start introducing lots of impurity then it's like the opposite and drinking from a bucket of dirty muddy spoiled water. It brings anxiety, depression, uneasiness.

Thus in Christianity there is a very strong emphasis on choosing a partner and also friends etc that share common beliefs that are in alignment with the teaching so as to protect the "purity" of the spirit you are receiving by participating in the religious activities. You don't want to be in a sexual relationship with someone who isn't Christian because they are likely not going to follow the stricter and more discipled requirements and through the sexual union the two people will be bonded together and exchanging energy closely and this could then have negative effects for not just the Christian .... But also their partner who is actually being exposed to the spirit through their partner .... But not following the teaching. 

it's considered to be a protection not just for the believer .... But also the non believer

Edited October 10, 2021 by Justanaverageguy

[ASG]

On 10/9/2021 at 4:25 AM, DKT3 said:

Children are what usually cause the rift. 

My wife catholic school all the way, I attended also which is how we met but only two years.  

From the time we met until our first child was school aged we Respectfully disagreed,  then it was WWIII. I ABSOLUTELY  refused to send my kids to parochial school.  

Not saying whether you are right or wrong, but I live strongly by the saying "there's nothing like a good Catholic education to become a good atheist". 

My parents aren't particularly religious, you'll never see either one at church if it's not for a wedding/funeral/whatever, but they sent us to Catholic school (it was a good, cheap, pribate school at the time, which was the main factor, rather than it being Catholic). 

So we learned all about it, I even went to church on Sundays of my own accord when I was a teen, but then I just stopped believing it. 

Mostly because a lot of the churches "values" did not align with my own and I found it difficult to rationalise that. 

I could not understand how contraception was a bad thing, or abortion, in certain cases or even gay relationships. 

So now I'm a very staunch atheist, having learned "the bible" and having decided that while some of it is fine, a lot of it is just about control. 

[Nothanks]

To answer the question, a Christian can marry a non-Christian because they believe their love and respect for each other is far more important than philosophical differences about religion. Different religious beliefs are fine in a marriage as long as there is mutual respect and you both agree on how to raise your children.  If family interferes, it is up to each of you to tell your respective family members that it is none of their business.  You stand up for each other’s rights to have your own individual beliefs.  If you and your wife don’t have an issue with it, then don’t let anyone else make it an issue in your marriage.

[vla1120]

I am atheist. My husband of 32 years and I were both brought up Catholic. (In the past, I referred to myself as a "recovering Catholic.") As I grew older, my views changed and I became less and less religious. Our three daughters were all christened, but we did not attend church regularly. We were also of the mindset that we would try our best to teach our children different religions and let them make their own decisions once they were old enough. In fact, my middle daughter wanted to join an after school bible study club when she was in middle school. Of course, the answer was yes (though I did wonder how a public school was getting away with having an after school bible study club.) Also, like you've stated with your family taking your kids to church or indoctrinating them when they have access, our daughters were taken to church regularly by their friends' parents. Again, I did not mind. When they came home, we had many discussions about what they learned. Of course, they were more exposed to christianity than any other religion (though my oldest did almost convert to Judaism for a serious relationship after college.) 

Even though we taught them about other religions, all three of them are atheists which has left me with the opinion that regardless of how parents may SAY they are going to let their children make up their own minds about religion, what those children are exposed to on a day-to-day basis is going to have the most lasting impression.

[LuckyM]

Bluntly lust and love are what attracts and links couples at first regardless of religion. Unless one is very devout and religious in belief and lifestyle. As an atheist I would not marry a totally devout lady. I would hate it. But I seriously dated a church deacon with no regret. I know a Muslim who married a Jewish agnostic

Love and compatibility are far more important and I doubt that God knows or cares one bit. You choose your partner not God there is no divine punishment. IMO

[Taramere]

On 10/7/2021 at 9:45 PM, E-mc2 said:

 They think all non-religious people are evil.  I had a conversation with my uncle who said.  "the worst christian is better than the best atheist".  That's so wrong on so many different levels.    

 

Yes, and I would say it's wrong with reference to Christian principles too.  The comment makes your uncle sound like the hypocrite referred to in Matthew 6:1-18.  Fundamentalist Christians often don't seem that interested in the New Testament though, tending to rely on the harsher parts of the Old Testament to support both their world view and their disinterest in trying to adhere to many of the teachings in the New Testament.

My issue with atheists is when they regard themselves as intellectually superior to believers and mock the for believing in a "Sky Daddy" or talk in puerile terms about believing in a Flying Spaghetti Monster and all that sort of thing.  Christianity is, to me, a philosophy which no person can ever adhere to perfectly but which is there as an ideal to strive towards.  I find it very compatible with psychology theories aimed at promoting good mental health...but I tend to find that atheists are overly preoccupied (in my opinion at least) with notions of heaven and hell, prayer being rewarded and whether there's an afterlife. 

I understand that there's plenty of reference within Christianity to an afterlife, but I think Christianity is about how we manage our lives here on earth - with prayer being less about "God, if you want me to believe in you then give me a good life" and more about a form of meditation where we're getting revisiting useful Christian teachings about how to conduct ourselves in difficulties and/or when there's a temptation to do what we know is ultimately bad for ourselves and other people.

I think it's perfectly possible for somebody to not believe in God and simultaneously recognise that the practice of Christianity can be a positive thing.  If you fall into that category then provided the relationship is generally a good one I don't see how there's that much of an issue with your wife being Christian and you being an atheist.  As others have said, the problems seem to lie with a few of your extended family members rather than existing between you and your wife.