Anxious about my SO possibly cheating on me tonight

[simonesimone]

Hello all,

I had a really horrible time six months ago and I was on the brink of ending a one-year-long relationship over a matter that seemed trite at the time.

Long story short, my SO (her: late 20s, me: mid-30s) was approached by an ex who I was briefly with right before we got together. The ex knew that I never told my SO about that particular relationship and for reasons still unknown, decided to not only tell her about it, but also tell her a long list of lies about me she supposedly found out through the grapevine, etc., none of which was true. However, it shook my SO to the point where things became very nasty between us and she was violent on a couple of occasions as we were on the brink of breakup - more about this later, but first, some further explanation as to how we got in that situation.

I firmly believe she had a meltdown that lasted for a while. I think it was an accumulation of several issues - her depression and anxiety but also the fact that she had to her very traumatic events take place one after another. She lost her job, was unhappily single for a long period after she was in a brief manipulative relationship and couldn't connect with another man for over a year and had several of her close family members fall ill in rapid succession. When we got together, she got involved very intensely very quickly because, just like me, she recognized a person who she clicked with on so many levels, unlike in her previous relationships. I think it also helped that both of us come from pretty much the same background and do the same type of very specific work. So our relationship moved at the speed of light until this happened and I guess she felt like she was knocked out of her orbit.

In brief, this woman showing up all of the sudden and telling her all of these things shook her to the core, and again, I think after several months of dissecting and pondering over her reaction and subsequent behavior, I realized that as unacceptable it was at the time, it was a "perfect storm." She felt that, by obscuring this piece of information from her, I somehow cheated her out of this perfect start to our relationship that we had and her 'moment of magic' (quote) and the things that my ex said about me made her believe that I was deliberately constructing a false image of myself in order to trap her. Again, none of this being true, I was dumbfounded and frankly shell-shocked and found myself paranoid as to who will lie about me next and to what particular end, while frantically attempting to explain why this seemed like something that didn't warrant discussion to begin with. I was also alarmed by the fact that this was a matter of the past, and I thought that our relationship to that point was clearly so special in my view that truly, no other relationship prior to this one ever mattered to begin with. 

All this was to no avail - my SO was way beyond any rational state where she'd be willing to accept my view of what happened. I was given advice to break up with her because of her behavior (mostly because she was abusive and violent during a couple of our fights), but I didn't feel like it was the right thing to do and I think I made the right call to give her another chance - with some reservations of course.

To also explain a bit about the ex above: she was the one who broke up with me, so it was definitely not a matter of her getting back at me for something related to us breaking up and me ending up in another relationship soon after, besides what I heard from a friend, which was that she thought that I was two-timing her. This was not the case, and me ending up with my SO was purely coincidental. We knew each other for ages, were colleagues and neither of us ever had any sexual or romantic pretensions at any given point, other than a piqued curiosity on occasion, I'd say. Both of us were in various relationships at different stages of our friendships and it was all extremely kosher since day one. On top of that, I never considered approaching her in any way because I was also convinced she was out of my league. I made sure that my ex knew this by telling my friend who I know is a gossip. I thought that took care of that. But in all honesty, I think it was maybe a case of pure jealousy on my ex's end and perhaps she wanted a second shot but it was already too late and she went destructive. I also think that possibly she assumed that others made fun of her behind her back along the lines of 'Oh she dumped him and he found a hotter, smarter, more accomplished woman right away, haha.' All in all, an ugly thing to do, but definitely compounded by an environment that loves to gossip and the circles that she moves in. 

The reason why I never told my SO was because I believed my ex didn't want our brief relationship to be public - I was obviously wrong about that - and frankly I was a little ashamed at the time that a) I had something with her and b) she dumped me very early on. I was also over her very quickly, and I didn't give it much thought or considered it to be a serious relationship but more of a fling or a glorified hookup. Later I also realized that she lied to me about her past and her character, interests etc. to the point where I was very surprised to learn that she is a quite different person from what I thought her to be. But all of that would be okay if she didn't then go and try to blow up my relationship. I also think she asked around about my SO and was told that she is of a sensitive nature and would be prone to breaking up with me over this. Another reason why I stupidly didn't tell her about this at the very beginning as I obviously should have is that I was naive in thinking that we can have our own thing without her past or mine somehow affecting it one way or another. That is not how the world works, unfortunately, and I do admit this was a mistake on my end. To add, she told me early on that she has a very active imagination and that she doesn't want me to tell her about my past relationships because she didn't want that noise in her head and that was yet another reason why I didn't tell her. All understandable, I hope.

Which brings me to my issue now. During her meltdown period, my SO said a number of really ugly things to me, some of which would be grounds for breaking up for most, I think. What I think bothered me the most was her asking for a hall pass or permission to cheat on me - she even had names of people she was considering, etc. I know she might have flirted with one of the guys while we were arguing but I honestly think now that she was only doing it to upset me because she told me he wrote to her on the night when she was at her worst (she broke a couple of plates in anger). The reason why him is because right before we got together they were flirting and she was just about to see him in person after several years and in her words she wanted to get together with him but it was all very fast and loose and their communication was also strictly professional (although I think it's clear that she also enjoyed talking to him).

Point being, she was making me jealous and at the time it worked, I guess. She also knew this would get to me because she also told me she cheated on both of the two guys she was in LTRs with. So that made me feel very unsure and questioning her state of mind and ability to stay loyal, regardless of our problem or future problems. Sometimes she'd talk about wanting a couple of months worth of a break, but she insisted that in essence she wanted to cheat on me or just sleep with someone else so that she'd feel that we're now even. To me this was ridiculous because the mistake I made was not telling her something about my past that was important to her but seemed less so to me - the point being that what I did was also unintentionally bad, with no desire whatsoever to hurt her or our relationship. By cheating on me or sleeping with someone, she'd willingly jeopardize our relationship in the present, and that simply does not constitute making things equal.

There's another aspect to her behavior, and that is, things get worse in combination with alcohol. She is not an alcoholic, but can sometimes drink too much and over the last period of time she has experienced blackouts. I know for a fact these are not BS because she'd be honestly shocked when I'd tell her about what she said or did the night before. Some of the worst things she said or did happened in that state, and later on she told me that she is really worried that she will experience a blackout when she's on her own and she'll end up doing something stupid.

If you've been following so far, first of all, thanks for reading, and secondly, I think you can guess where I'm going with this.

Since then, we patched things up and are working on having a healthy, quality relationship. I have to say that this past couple of months we are really on the mend, and she said herself on numerous occasions that although she feels like she was on the brink of breaking up, she loves me more than ever and that she can't imagine a life without me as her partner because I am all she ever wanted. There's been no mention of the past issues in a negative way, and we've had very constructive but also very light-hearted conversations about our pasts. 

But today she went on a 3-day work-related trip on her own for the first time since March (before the big breakdown) and I have been feeling waves of anxiety washing over me. She's been messaging me all day, updated me along the way, told me she missed me repeatedly, we spoke over the phone twice, nothing is off. She also made sure to bring several things I gave to her as gifts, including jewelry that is of particular meaning to me that she showed me she was wearing.

But I am worried because she is at this event now (with unlimited alcohol being served) that is supposed to go late into the night and I am concerned that a switch will flip in her head and that she'll hook up with someone just to hurt me or rather pay me back for the hurt I caused her without even actually wanting to do it if she were in her usual, rational state. She told me she doesn't want to drink much because she has work to do in the morning but I also know what it's like to get carried away, and although I don't judge, I am concerned she'll get inebriated because she can't pace herself in a social environment sometimes. 

I spoke to a friend earlier today and I told him about my fears and he believes they are perfectly understandable but he asked me how convinced I was that she would do this. I said it was a minor fear and that it was just me having some sort of a contingency in case it happens - meaning, it would hurt less if it were to happen because at least I'd be able to tell myself I knew it might happen, giving me some sense of control - but with us being apart, I fret just a bit more with every passing minute of her not messaging me. She's usually glued to her phone and can be very intense about messaging so not hearing from her for an hour is long but at the same time there are a lot of people she knows at this event and I believe she's simply stuck in a conversation or saying hello to the umpteenth person she saw there. 

I've not said a word ever since she told me she was invited to this and wanted to go, in fact I've supported her to actually go even if it's for a few days, but I'm sure she also knows I'm being anxious and I can't say she wasn't trying to make me feel better for not being there, all things considered. I know I can't possibly expect to hold her hand or keep a watch on her 24/7 for the rest of our lives and that we really need to trust each other for this to work but I'm sure that after reading all of this you can understand where I'm coming from, and I'd really appreciate some advice from any and all. 

Thanks again for reading this monster of a post. I am very grateful for your time. 

[ExpatInItaly]

This woman is a mess. 

This relationship is toxic and you make way too many excuses for her awful and abusive behaviour. 

I can't in good faith recommend any other course of action but to end this. Sorry, man. 

[simonesimone]

Hi ExpatInItaly, care to elaborate just a bit, please? I'd really appreciate it. Thanks!

11 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This woman is a mess. 

This relationship is toxic and you make way too many excuses for her awful and abusive behaviour. 

I can't in good faith recommend any other course of action but to end this. Sorry, man. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

Just now, simonesimone said:

Hi ExpatInItaly, care to elaborate just a bit, please? I'd really appreciate it. Thanks!

Genuinely, it is not obvious from your own account why this relationship is a trainwreck? 

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, simonesimone said:

my SO  was approached by an ex .The ex knew that I never told my SO about that particular relationship and for reasons still unknown, decided to not only tell her about it, but also tell her a long list of lies about me she supposedly found out through the grapevine, etc., none of which was true.

How do they know each other? What makes you thing this overall troubled relationship will end in an inebriated drunken hookup for revenge?

[simonesimone]

5 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Genuinely, it is not obvious from your own account why this relationship is a trainwreck? 

Genuinely - and call me stupid or emotionally challenged - it's not. I did come here for help because obviously I can't see things clearly. I know that I should consult with a therapist and I have, and maybe I need to find a better one... But again, although I agree that some parts of this are a pure mess, I think all relationships are messy in their own way. Anyway, I would appreciate a more specific comment, if you can be bothered, please.

[simonesimone]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How do they know each other? What makes you thing this overall troubled relationship will end in an inebriated drunken hookup for revenge?

They met once through work. I guess they had each other on Facebook, too.

I guess I see the good in her, and I do believe there is an enormous amount of good. I do think she has issues, but I also think she can overcome them with some patience. Again, feel free to call me stupid...

[simonesimone]

To add, I know that 99,9% of people out there when approached by an ex with a story like that would tell them to go to hell, myself included. I just feel like my SO was so traumatized by everything that happened in her life in recent times, she didn't have the emotional bandwidth to deal with it in a healthy way in that moment. She stood up for me a number of times before and since. That's why I think this is a blip, as damaging as it was.

Edited October 7, 2021 by simonesimone

[ShyViolet]

8 hours ago, simonesimone said:

Genuinely - and call me stupid or emotionally challenged - it's not. I did come here for help because obviously I can't see things clearly. I know that I should consult with a therapist and I have, and maybe I need to find a better one... But again, although I agree that some parts of this are a pure mess, I think all relationships are messy in their own way. Anyway, I would appreciate a more specific comment, if you can be bothered, please.

You seriously need to get yourself into therapy, because you are not seeing some very huge red flags and you're making excuse after excuse for her toxic behavior.  

Let's see.... she has repeatedly gotten abusive and violent when angry.  She gets blackout drunk and does things that she doesn't remember.  She explicitly told you that she wants to cheat on you, and now you have been put in a position where you have to actually worry about that happening.  Any rational person with a healthy level of emotional intelligence would get out of this relationship for any ONE of those things.  Yet in your dysfunctional thinking, you're "hoping she can change".

You not only need to get out of this extremely toxic relationship, but you need to do some serious soul searching and therapy to work on exactly WHY you have such dysfunctional tendencies.

[Caauug]

WOW!!!!

You are doing yourself no favours....

8 hours ago, simonesimone said:

She felt that, by obscuring this piece of information from her, I somehow cheated her out of this perfect start to our relationship that we had and her 'moment of magic' (quote)

"Gas Lighting", It doesn't matter if it's true or not, it's your fault!!!  Why was she entitled to have a "Moment of Magic"? She wanted one, and no matter what, it's your fault she can't have one.... That being what it is, what ever happens now is also your fault!!!

8 hours ago, simonesimone said:

she also told me she cheated on both of the two guys she was in LTRs with.

This is really important!!! She is not ashamed or does not regret what she has done to the men/R in the past. This is also a way of blame shifting it back to you. When she cheats on you, and she is telling you she will, she can say "I told you I have have done this in the past, you should have expected me to do it again", making it your fault!!!

Most people would omit that they cheated or down played it that the R was dead or the ex was also cheating etc. so it wasn't really cheating...

8 hours ago, simonesimone said:

What I think bothered me the most was her asking for a hall pass or permission to cheat on me - she even had names of people she was considering, etc.

OK, you are at fault for destroying the "Magic Moment", so she gets to Cuck____ you in an open affair??? And she has men already picked out!!!  When does two wrongs make a right??? With this act or request you should have down graded her to a "Good Time Girl", don't take her seriously. She's good for today and will likely be gone tomorrow with someone else... Do not get attached....

8 hours ago, simonesimone said:

Since then, we patched things up and are working on having a healthy, quality relationship. I have to say that this past couple of months we are really on the mend, and she said herself on numerous occasions that although she feels like she was on the brink of breaking up, she loves me more than ever and that she can't imagine a life without me as her partner because I am all she ever wanted.

She's good, she's done all the right things... She has warned you, she has told you what she wants and will do, and now she's been all good and nice so you will keep her around.... She has not forgot, women never do.... But men do, men forget easily with all the right snuggles, kisses and loving.... Proof: You don't like what I'm saying, you want the "Disney Dream" of the nice girl that is faithful, loving like what she has been lately.....

8 hours ago, simonesimone said:

She also made sure to bring several things I gave to her as gifts, including jewelry that is of particular meaning to me that she showed me she was wearing.

I don't get this... She has the the gifts, that doesn't mean anything to her other than feeling sexy, when she's with the OM..... Briffault's Law, it's what you can supply, not what you have supplied... Look it up. She doesn't think the same as you do.

9 hours ago, simonesimone said:

I spoke to a friend earlier today and I told him about my fears and he believes they are perfectly understandable

Your gut or intuition has you worried, your friend agrees, you come to LS and get the same.... 

9 hours ago, simonesimone said:

I'm sure that after reading all of this you can understand where I'm coming from

No, I can't understand why you still consider her your GF. At most just a "Good Time Girl" or FWB, nothing serious, no commitments.... With boundaries like that, do not cohabitate. 

 

There are a few phrases that you should remember:

"Actions speak louder than words" Look at her actions of "Gas Lighting", blame shifting etc. Her history.

"She's not yours, it's only your turn" She's acting like your turn is going to be short.... Protect yourself.

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, simonesimone said:

But again, although I agree that some parts of this are a pure mess, I think all relationships are messy in their own way.

Not like this they aren't, no. This isn't anywhere in the realm of normal relationship struggles. 

Your relationship involves: abuse, manipulation and gaslighting, threats to cheat, alcohol problems, serious distrust, and the list goes on. And the vast majority has been caused by her, not you. The problem is that you are so used to the dysfunction and emotional abuse that you don't even see how bad this all is. 

This isn't what love looks like. Have all your relationships been like this? 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, simonesimone said:

They met once through work. I guess they had each other on Facebook, too.

Do they still talk? Are they still on each other's social media?

What type of damagibg things did this ex have to say to your GF?

Unfortunately for just one year there's been a lot of drama, conflict, worries etc.

And it's not just about what this ex had to say about you.

You keep demonizing her then claiming  "you see the good in her".

You seem to love drama, crisis, chaos and seem to generate it on top of it already being present. For example, treating this ex like trash, then her contacting this GF about it.

Try not to careen through life carelessly and hurt others in the process.

There's a lot of projection here about uncontrolled drinking and uncontrolled hooking up.

It's odd you're even worried about that when she's at a business event.

Edited October 8, 2021 by Wiseman2

[simonesimone]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do they still talk? Are they still on each other's social media?

What type of damagibg things did this ex have to say to your GF?

They don't and don't have each other on social media, I think. They were supposed to work on a project together but the ex who was all sweet-talking etc. hasn't contacted her since and keeps ignoring her for other opportunities ever since she realized we're still together.

 

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You keep demonizing her then claiming  "you see the good in her".

You seem to love drama, crisis, chaos and seem to generate it on top of it already being present. For example, treating this ex like trash, then her contacting this GF about it.

I'm not demonizing my SO. I quoted her and told just the basics, but it's all facts. 

I also didn't treat my ex as trash. We ended the brief relationship on very good terms at the time and with her insisting we remain friends and telling me she needed me in her life as someone she could talk to. I took some distance after that because I didn't want to be in constant touch with her and told her so and she was fine with that, but that's all within the realm of normalcy. We didn't even have one single argument, bar the breakup talk she initiated, to which I very calmly said that I understand her choice despite the sense of hurt at the time.

Like I said, I was under the impression and I still believe that this was a brief fling that died out on its own and on her end first and I acted accordingly. And I've always treated all of my gfs with respect and without causing drama on my end. That's one of the reasons why I didn't talk about the relationship to others to begin with, my SO included. The reason why she reached out IMO is that she was the subject of gossip and that the fling hurt her image and possibly because she was having second thoughts about getting back together or regretted breaking up and then decided to meddle. If I was the kind of person you describe, I would have gone ballistic on her. I did no such thing and tried to fix things where it mattered without ever reaching out to her in reaction to her move.

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

There's a lot of projection here about uncontrolled drinking and uncontrolled hooking up.

It's odd you're even worried about that when she's at a business event.

Again, no projection on my end. I have seen her under the influence. I had multiple situations where I'd have to tell her about what she said or did post-blackout. I also know what she told me about her past. Just last night when she finally called, she told me how she used to go to these events for the hookups and now she's just looking forward to talking to me before going to sleep and coming back home asap. How's that me projecting? She verbalized it herself.

[simonesimone]

7 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Not like this they aren't, no. This isn't anywhere in the realm of normal relationship struggles. 

Your relationship involves: abuse, manipulation and gaslighting, threats to cheat, alcohol problems, serious distrust, and the list goes on. And the vast majority has been caused by her, not you. The problem is that you are so used to the dysfunction and emotional abuse that you don't even see how bad this all is. 

This isn't what love looks like. Have all your relationships been like this? 

No, to be frank, most of my relationships were normal in the sense that none of this was an issue. I've had a LTR with a woman who turned out BPD and went undiagnosed for decades, but we had a different set of problems. I was in a brief relationship with a woman who cheated on me in the end. But the rest weren't tumultuous. They would simply peter out or I'd be the one losing interest. For example, in my last LTR prior to this, I never argued once with my partner, let alone anything else. I broke up because I felt unfulfilled and it didn't seem to be going anywhere. 

[mark clemson]

Hmm. From what you write it does appear that you are attracted to major drama queens/abusive women.

Maybe they don't show it at first, but I've heard it said that "broken attracts broken" and there may be some truth to that in your case. Perhaps unconsciously you can sense they are a little crazy at some level and thus psychologically prepared when the "drama" hits? The relationship with the BPD woman has led you to "expect" and/or seek this?

I can understand the appeal of "complicated" women, and I can understand not feeling overly threatened when a woman, e.g. hits you (IF it's not overly threatening, which isn't always the case). However, you have to draw lines somewhere.

So I agree with others above that you are disregarding major red flags in order to maintain a relationship. If you don't train yourself to move away from, instead of towards, these kinds of red flags, you're destined to keep repeating this. Eventually you may be trying to co-parent kids with a "crazy" divorced Ex, etc. Not something I'd wish on anyone (especially the kids).

[Lotsgoingon]

Wow, even after all the helpful comments, you are still in denial and blind. Wow. So what needs to happen (and look I've been there) is you have to keep going in this relationship and just go through the suffering and pain and agony. At some point, like a drug addict, you hopefully will hit a rock button that triggers some kind of positive life force in you that allows you to distinguish between sanity and insanity.

This here is pure insanity, perhaps the most insane story I've heard in my lifetime. OMG:

What I think bothered me the most was her asking for a hall pass or permission to cheat on me - she even had names of people she was considering, etc.

You let her shame you and attack you with a cheating proposal for the alleged crime of dating someone briefly when you were under no requirement to disclose a previous fling. Lots of partners don't want that info, and why would that info be triggering anyway?  If she thinks you cheated, she needed to break up with you. Instead, she asserted the right to harm you by "cheating." OMG, that's so twisted and sadistic. 

 If we could poll all 8 billion on this planet, about their judgment of your gf's actions, the only people who would find them reasonable would be psychopaths and sadists. Those folks would get a kick out of her, because they like doing the absolute meanest cruelest thing you can and passing it off as normal. Everyone else would find her actions--and her basic thinking--to be twisted and absurd.  But not you.

So you stayed and apologized and explained and normalized which leads you to the present moment when you are terrified that she is out town and may have sex with others. 

 My, my my--I wonder why that is? 

Well it's because, the entire relationship has been insane and unsafe. Of course you feel insecure because you are in danger by simply dating this person. Your feelings of insecurity right now are healthy! The first healthy sign I see in your story.  You should feel insecure and unsafe all the time with this woman.

Hopefully this experience can be a turning point for you. I wish you could see that every day you stay in this relationship is harming and warping you for the long term. Once you leave this relationship, you'll have to do work to repair all kinds of emotional damage. 

Edited October 8, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[glows]

Just keep it very simple while you re-evaluate this relationship and try to regain trust in each other. In her eyes, you broke her trust through an omission of fact, similar to a lie. I understand why she was upset but her reaction is overboard and extreme. The relationship also progressed quickly, not leaving enough time for you to know one another in steady progression. You know this always spells disaster.

So, take a good look at the overall picture and acknowledge your hand in it. I don't suggest you keep holding onto her transgressions if you continue to be together with her. If her drinking is a constant problem and trust is an issue, end it. There is no sense living miserably, the two of you, and damaging each other further with suspicions, distrust and dysfunction.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, simonesimone said:

No, to be frank, most of my relationships were normal in the sense that none of this was an issue

So what does that tell you in terms of how screwed-up this relationship is? 

[smackie9]

Our words can't make you see things clearly. Talking it out with a therapist and time is when that will happen. Right now any of our comment is just having you running in circles.

[kendahke]

My dude, you need a therapist way more than you need a girlfriend. You've set yourself adrift for her--not good.

[simonesimone]

Tonight she told me she wanted to "whack" me while we had friends over. Whack as in hit me. The friend in question and I spoke later and he was deeply concerned with her wellbeing. I'm sleeping on the couch. 

[simonesimone]

On 10/8/2021 at 9:16 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

So what does that tell you in terms of how screwed-up this relationship is? 

It tells me I'm doing something wrong but I'm not sure what 🤷🏻‍♂️

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, simonesimone said:

. I'm sleeping on the couch. 

Why not leave or ask her to leave? Are you living together and stuck in a lease for financial problems? 

What do you mean by "deeply concerned for her well-being"? 

The friend thinks she's crazy?

You know exactly what she meant by it, however the hostilities are off the charts. 

But having powwows with friends about how crazy she is won't fix things unless you just enjoy the drama.

[Mrin]

You are being manipulated big time. It is kinda scary to see. More so, because I've been in your shoes before. The part about how nicely you concocted and colored in an explanation of her actions - "the perfect storm". Holysmokes I made up pretty much the exact same explanation years ago to excuse the bahvior of a woman who was completely toxic to me. 

It is clear as daylight to me now, seeing you do the same thing. Wow. 

Run.

Best of luck!

 

Mrin

[smackie9]

14 hours ago, simonesimone said:

It tells me I'm doing something wrong but I'm not sure what 🤷🏻‍♂️

The only thing you are doing wrong is staying with her and putting up with her manipulation. Let her go.