I feel like I am walking on egg shells

[Kingsley]

My partner and I have been together for a year. We’re expecting our first baby in a few weeks, yes some will say we moved fast. 
Our relationship hasn’t had the easiest ride I have a toddler from a previous relationship and my child does not see her biological father, my current partner has taken on the role as dad. 
I feel like I have to walk on egg shells with my partner in fear that I’ll get a bad reaction. If it is anything about my past which isn’t all rainbows and sunshine. A long time ago(over a decade ago) I slept with somebody who ended up being a good friend of his(I did not know they knew each other when we met and it has forever been an issue for my partner. In his eyes a women should have a clean past. We have not spoken about this friend in quite some time. 
Last night one of their mutual friends invited us to a joint birthday party knowing this person I hooked up with would be invited and I stupidly said wouldn’t that make you uncomfortable. I feel like some part of me was hoping he would reassure me that it wasn’t an issue anymore but he replied with “oh great so we have to live in secret” he walked off in a huff, i I tried to give him some affection when we went to sleep but he brushed me off, he woke up this morning in a bad mood still said bye to me and left for work and has come home in the same bad mood. 

[S2B]

I’m sorry things are tough. if it were me I would cancel on the gathering and have a dinner out together (the two of you). 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Kingsley said:

My partner and I have been together for a year. We’re expecting our first baby in a few weeks, yes some will say we moved fast. 
Our relationship hasn’t had the easiest ride I have a toddler from a previous relationship and my child does not see her biological father, my current partner has taken on the role as dad. 

You're in an abusive relationship. Moving this fast is classic. 

Where is your child's father? Does he pay child support or have visitation?

Do you work? Do you have trusted friends and family nearby? 

The damage you're doing to yourself your child is not good.

You need to end it. But you can't or won't because now you're stuck living there, this creep has involved himself with your daughter and unfortunately you're expecting a child with him.

Was your first child's father also abusive? Why did that end and why isn't he involved with his child.

Read up on abusive relationships. Talk to trusted friends and family.

 

Edited October 8, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Easter Bunny]

16 hours ago, Kingsley said:

My partner and I have been together for a year. We’re expecting our first baby in a few weeks, yes some will say we moved fast. 
Our relationship hasn’t had the easiest ride I have a toddler from a previous relationship and my child does not see her biological father, my current partner has taken on the role as dad. 
I feel like I have to walk on egg shells with my partner in fear that I’ll get a bad reaction. If it is anything about my past which isn’t all rainbows and sunshine. A long time ago(over a decade ago) I slept with somebody who ended up being a good friend of his(I did not know they knew each other when we met and it has forever been an issue for my partner. In his eyes a women should have a clean past. We have not spoken about this friend in quite some time. 
Last night one of their mutual friends invited us to a joint birthday party knowing this person I hooked up with would be invited and I stupidly said wouldn’t that make you uncomfortable. I feel like some part of me was hoping he would reassure me that it wasn’t an issue anymore but he replied with “oh great so we have to live in secret” he walked off in a huff, i I tried to give him some affection when we went to sleep but he brushed me off, he woke up this morning in a bad mood still said bye to me and left for work and has come home in the same bad mood. 

i think it is because when you mention it like that he gets a visual image of his friend having sex with you. although you didn't say this to him he heard, "hey the friend of yours that had sex with me and bragged about it will be there. When we see each other we will both remember what we did to each other. I may even talk to him. I wonder if he will try to get some again. after all he got to have me before you. he didn't have to work as hard as you did. you cool with it?"

for him the thought of his friend having sex with you isn't as simple as one would think. there is male pride and ego that gets involved. He wants to be proud of you, and to be able to show you off. that lessens when all the people he can show you off to have already had sex with you, or know someone you have had sex with. also if he knows how his friend is he may think that he simply used you for sex and never really had any interest in you otherwise. This makes him feel like he has used goods, and the thing he holds dear is something that someone easily had and used. he feels that he is being disrespected, and is being laughed at or judged. he is having a hard time seeing it as something past tense. 

whether you did or not doesn't matter. it is what he is feeling and thinking. He doesn't want to see you this way, and bringing it up makes him do so. you asking him if he will be comfortable with it is really asking him if he is insecure. that he can accept his friend had you. that can you be in either of our presence and not think about me having an orgasm with him, or him using me for his sexual release. he will also wonder if he was better than him in bed, or you had more fun with him than your husband. 

even if you don't say that these are the thoughts that will go through his mind. it is best to not bring it up again unless he does. if he does make sure you don't make it sound like it was very eventful, and more of a let down. that way he feels like he has a higher sexual status than him. this situation really hits the core of male insecurity. this isn't your fault because you didn't know him prior. his friend couldn't have known he would eventually hook up with you for a long term relationship. 

don't walk on egg shells, and just act normally. he will go back to his normal self after he deals with it a bit. in the future don't bring it up. if you see his friend be polite, but don't spend any amount of time around him. show no interest in him at all. you husband will be looking for it. 

I hope i was able to kind of give you an idea of what he is going through. i don't know for sure this is what he is thinking or feeling, but for most men it would be something similar. don't beat yourself up over it. this is just life doing what it does. eventually he will get over it, but it will take time. 

 

Edited October 8, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Easter Bunny]

3 hours ago, Kingsley said:

My partner and I have been together for a year. We’re expecting our first baby in a few weeks, yes some will say we moved fast. 
Our relationship hasn’t had the easiest ride I have a toddler from a previous relationship and my child does not see her biological father, my current partner has taken on the role as dad. 
I feel like I have to walk on egg shells with my partner in fear that I’ll get a bad reaction. If it is anything about my past which isn’t all rainbows and sunshine. A long time ago(over a decade ago) I slept with somebody who ended up being a good friend of his(I did not know they knew each other when we met and it has forever been an issue for my partner. In his eyes a women should have a clean past. We have not spoken about this friend in quite some time. 
Last night one of their mutual friends invited us to a joint birthday party knowing this person I hooked up with would be invited and I stupidly said wouldn’t that make you uncomfortable. I feel like some part of me was hoping he would reassure me that it wasn’t an issue anymore but he replied with “oh great so we have to live in secret” he walked off in a huff, i I tried to give him some affection when we went to sleep but he brushed me off, he woke up this morning in a bad mood still said bye to me and left for work and has come home in the same bad mood. 

one more thing...there is nothing here that suggests an abusive relationship. [ ]

Edited October 8, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
criticizing advice from other members

[glows]

3 hours ago, Kingsley said:

In his eyes a women should have a clean past. We have not spoken about this friend in quite some time. 
Last night one of their mutual friends invited us to a joint birthday party knowing this person I hooked up with would be invited and I stupidly said wouldn’t that make you uncomfortable. I feel like some part of me was hoping he would reassure me that it wasn’t an issue anymore but he replied with “oh great so we have to live in secret” he walked off in a huff, i I tried to give him some affection when we went to sleep but he brushed me off, he woke up this morning in a bad mood still said bye to me and left for work and has come home in the same bad mood. 

He sounds like a child, butthurt over your past and grossly sexist. And what exactly does "a clean past" mean? Virginal? Give me a break. You have a wee one to look after with another on the way and he's sulking about a fling you had decades ago. Let this blow over but be more observant and make your kids your priority. Things are changing rapidly. If it means leaving someone so immature like this then think of your children's welfare along with yours. 

[elaine567]

4 hours ago, Kingsley said:

In his eyes a women should have a clean past

This is very problematic.
Why on earth did you think he would make a good stepfather AND why did you think having a child with him was a good idea?
Bad  mistake.

You in his eyes you are "soiled goods" with it being made worse by the fact you slept with his friend, way in the past, and I doubt he will just get over it, it will probably get worse as it eats away at him.
He probably got carried away with your relationship moving so fast and the enormity of it all is now hitting him.
You have done nothing wrong, but guys who think women should  be whiter than white tend not to give up on that idea, it can be hard wired, and bashing you literally or metaphorically may become the norm while he wrestles with the conflict of loving you and being disgusted by you at the same time.
Do not be surprised if it becomes a recurring theme in your relationship, he may become more abusive over this, you are already walking on eggshells  or he may just up and leave if it gets too much.
At the moment all you can do is try to not poke the bear, but look after yourself, do not keep putting up with such nonsense..
You and your children need to be centre stage here, loved and protected.
Keep safe.

Edited October 8, 2021 by elaine567

[Wiseman2]

37 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

, he may become more abusive over this, you are already walking on eggshells  or he may just up and leave if it gets too much.

Agree. So many red flags for abuse. Quick involvement. Possessiveness. Controlling behaviors.

Read up on red flags for abuse. 

Walking on eggshells is simply your senses kicking in that  he's controlling you, putting you in impossible situations and beating you down.

[Caauug]

 

On 10/8/2021 at 3:15 PM, Kingsley said:

My partner and I have been together for a year. We’re expecting our first baby in a few weeks, yes some will say we moved fast. 
Our relationship hasn’t had the easiest ride I have a toddler from a previous relationship and my child does not see her biological father, my current partner has taken on the role as dad.

What??? 

On 10/8/2021 at 3:15 PM, Kingsley said:

In his eyes a women should have a clean past.

We all know this will never happen. At most we don't want to deal with all the past lovers that our partners have had on a daily/weekly basis. There will always be shaming with this subject, mainly because men and women value qualities, it's in our human nature, we can't change that. 

[ ] 

Edited October 10, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
offensive term

[poppyfields]

Apologies for my usual rant about this, but this is PRECISELY what's wrong with many "traditional" relationships these days (and in past days).

Jealousy, possessiveness, insecurity (his), control (his), mental/emotional abuse (his)  -- and yes him creating a climate wherein you are walking on eggshells IS mental abuse, which could possibly escalate to physical, that's typically how it goes. 

I don't typically advise people to leave but this is NOT going to improve.  You rushed in way WAY too fast.  

It's only been one year,, please don't waste any more of your precious time and energy on this, not to mention the piss poor example you are giving your kids. 

If you are married, contact an attorney and seek an annulment, you have grounds. 

If not married, pack up your things and stay with family and friends until baby is born and you get settled.

I'm sorry. 

 

Edited October 11, 2021 by poppyfields

[cassidy1993]

I (f28) am in a relationship with (m33) we live together and share 2 children together. 
I am finding myself feeling not special and unappreciated in my relationship. I am currently pregnant and I am feeling like the spark is dying in my relationship. 
I don’t want to come on here and bash my partner because he does have some great qualities. He is helpful around the home, he cooks and he provides, he has done a lot for our family. There are a few things that bother me. 1: his social media(It bothers me that he follows so many sexy females on Instagram and me being pregnant makes me feel crappy about myself. I know I shouldn’t let who he follows on social media bother me but it does, I feel like I have some unrealistic expectation to live up to in terms of my face and body or the way I present myself. 2: he refuses to add me on his Facebook(he says he is a private person but there is a difference between being private and keeping the relationship a secret(he has not posted on Instagram in 7 years). I have obviously met his family and some of his close friends so I’m not a complete secret but I feel like there is some things on his Facebook he does not want me to see. He has a lot of random females including an ex gf on his Facebook and it upsets me that he won’t accept the the mother of his children but will continue to keep these women on there. He has said I have nothing to worry about and that we’re in a relationship and love each other. 

I am starting to feel like we’re roommates not partners in our relationship. At times when I cook food he will tell me what he doesn’t like about it or complain how I’ve washed his clothing ect. He isn’t always negative he does compliment some of my dishes I make for him. He has on one occasion said that I have big shoes to fill regarding me cooking lasagna and his mother’s cooking. These comments are starting to make me resent him and feel unappreciated. Maybe my partner is just super comfortable but I am taking it on as him being rude when he makes comments about my cooking. 
I do not know if my expectation is too high in relationships and I have watched too many movies & my idea of what a relationship is like is completely wrong. Does the spark eventually die in relationships or am I just expecting too much? I know relationships take work. 

We have been stuck in lockdown for the last 10 weeks so maybe our relationship has become predictable, we have both mentioned we never get time together alone from the children. 
He never tells me he loves me anymore so I have stopped saying it myself, I know that people show love in different ways but to hear it would be nice. I feel like the connection between us is fading and we’re 2 people stuck in a relationship for the sake of our children. 

[glows]

I think this must be painful to see and experience while bearing the weight of caring for your children with another one on the way. It doesn't sound to me like he's as invested in the relationship or interested in what you think or how you feel if you've told him in the past how his actions impact you. What he does on social media is up to him and that is who he is. You can voice your displeasure but it's unlikely he'll change the more you keep bringing it up. His comments are very insensitive comparing you to his mother. 

[Foxhall]

Its not going to be easy for you this,

will be a big call- are you strong enough to go it alone and raise three children on your own,

he already thinks not and is simply taking you for granted,

lol some of the women I know-hed be out the door long ago,

but as I say your going to need to be strong mentally for that,

what kind of a support network have you in terms of family and friends.

[HappilyMarried]

Sorry @cassidy1993for what you are feeling and how your partner is treating you. Have you sat him down for a serious heart to heart conservation about your thoughts and feelings and his treatment of you is affecting you and your relationship. If not you need to do that as soon as possible and let him know how you are feeling and what you need from him. Best of luck!

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, cassidy1993 said:

I (f28) am in a relationship with (m33) we live together and share 2 children together. 

It's confusing. Is this a response to the original poster or are you the original poster?

[cassidy1993]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's confusing. Is this a response to the original poster or are you the original poster?

What’s to be confused about it’s my post 😐

[BaileyB]

Well good luck to him, trying to find a woman with a “clean past” who has never had another sexual partner. You are most definitely not that person, given the fact that you have a child with another man and I would assume, other relationships/sexual partners the past. He is being unreasonable - he should not be punishing you for the decision he made to chose you (with your past history - and everyone has one) as his partner.

But honestly, you jumped waaaaaaay too soon here. You have a toddler with another man, you have known this man a year, and now you are having his baby. Had you given it a little more time to get to know the man these red flags would have allowed you to make a different decision…

[pepperbird2]

On 10/8/2021 at 4:28 AM, glows said:

He sounds like a child, butthurt over your past and grossly sexist. And what exactly does "a clean past" mean? Virginal? Give me a break. You have a wee one to look after with another on the way and he's sulking about a fling you had decades ago. Let this blow over but be more observant and make your kids your priority. Things are changing rapidly. If it means leaving someone so immature like this then think of your children's welfare along with yours. 

let me guess- it was perfectly a okay for him to seep around with whomever he felt like.

[pepperbird2]

On 10/11/2021 at 7:11 PM, poppyfields said:

Apologies for my usual rant about this, but this is PRECISELY what's wrong with many "traditional" relationships these days (and in past days).

Jealousy, possessiveness, insecurity (his), control (his), mental/emotional abuse (his)  -- and yes him creating a climate wherein you are walking on eggshells IS mental abuse, which could possibly escalate to physical, that's typically how it goes. 

I don't typically advise people to leave but this is NOT going to improve.  You rushed in way WAY too fast.  

It's only been one year,, please don't waste any more of your precious time and energy on this, not to mention the piss poor example you are giving your kids. 

If you are married, contact an attorney and seek an annulment, you have grounds. 

If not married, pack up your things and stay with family and friends until baby is born and you get settled.

I'm sorry. 

 

I don't know if one could label this guy "abusive' right now, but may that doesn't really matter anyway, because even if he is not abusing the OP now, you are definitely right in that it likely will escalate and soon he will be.
OP, it's not just you that you have to think about, it's your kids. Give this a lot of thought What do you feel is your best course of action?

[cassidy1993]

I (f28) am in a relationship with (m33) we live together and share 2 children together. 
I am finding myself feeling not special and unappreciated in my relationship. I am currently pregnant and I am feeling like the spark is dying in my relationship. 
I don’t want to come on here and bash my partner because he does have some great qualities. He is helpful around the home, he cooks and he provides, he has done a lot for our family. There are a few things that bother me. 1: his social media(It bothers me that he follows so many sexy females on Instagram and me being pregnant makes me feel crappy about myself. I know I shouldn’t let who he follows on social media bother me but it does, I feel like I have some unrealistic expectation to live up to in terms of my face and body or the way I present myself. 2: he refuses to add me on his Facebook(he says he is a private person but there is a difference between being private and keeping the relationship a secret(he has not posted on Instagram in 7 years). I have obviously met his family and some of his close friends so I’m not a complete secret but I feel like there is some things on his Facebook he does not want me to see. He has a lot of random females including an ex gf on his Facebook and it upsets me that he won’t accept the the mother of his children but will continue to keep these women on there. He has said I have nothing to worry about and that we’re in a relationship and love each other. 

I am starting to feel like we’re roommates not partners in our relationship. At times when I cook food he will tell me what he doesn’t like about it or complain how I’ve washed his clothing ect. He isn’t always negative he does compliment some of my dishes I make for him. He has on one occasion said that I have big shoes to fill regarding me cooking lasagna and his mother’s cooking. These comments are starting to make me resent him and feel unappreciated. Maybe my partner is just super comfortable but I am taking it on as him being rude when he makes comments about my cooking. 
I do not know if my expectation is too high in relationships and I have watched too many movies & my idea of what a relationship is like is completely wrong. Does the spark eventually die in relationships or am I just expecting too much? I know relationships take work. 

We have been stuck in lockdown for the last 10 weeks so maybe our relationship has become predictable, we have both mentioned we never get time together alone from the children. 
He never tells me he loves me anymore so I have stopped saying it myself, I know that people show love in different ways but to hear it would be nice. I feel like the connection between us is fading and we’re 2 people stuck in a relationship for the sake of our children. 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, cassidy1993 said:

At times when I cook food he will tell me what he doesn’t like about it or complain how I’ve washed his clothing ect.. These comments are starting to make me resent him and feel unappreciated

We have been stuck in lockdown for the last 10 weeks so maybe our relationship has become predictable, we have both mentioned we never get time together alone from the children. I feel like the connection between us is fading and we’re 2 people stuck in a relationship for the sake of our children. 

Sorry this is happing.

Do you both work? Whenever someone complains, the reward for that is to simply stop doing it.

For example stop doing his laundry. just wash your, the kids and household stuff. If he complains about your cooking stop it. 

That way he'll stay too busy doing his own cooking  or getting take out and doing his own laundry etc to view social media all the time.

Is it possible to leave the children with friends, family or babysitters for some alone time?

 

[stillafool]

On 10/18/2021 at 6:48 AM, cassidy1993 said:

He has on one occasion said that I have big shoes to fill regarding me cooking lasagna and his mother’s cooking.

Tell him to eat at his mother's house.

If you are determined to stay with this guy you are going to have to learn to stick up for yourself and not take his BS.  The more you put up with the more he will do it.  At this point I would advise you to leave but I know you won't.

[Alpacalia]

Take it one step at a time.

If you can't find a means to lessen the frequency and intensity of negative criticism, you might have to think about how much you can take.

Talk about it, or stop doing it. Tell him that if the chicken comes out dry, he can't blame you since it makes you feel bad.

He'll have to figure out a way to take his expectations down a notch.

 

[endlesspossiblities]

This seems to ASK the age old question......"how do you lose yourself to someone without losing your OWN way"....it's never easy