Picking up Her Stuff - ALMOST without incident.

[Otter2569]

GF and I broke up last week after 4+ years together.  She is coming over to my place in a few days to pick up her things.  Is it wrong to leave her stuff boxed up neatly on my porch and not have any personal contact?  We haven't spoken a word (except 3 brief texts to coordinate getting our things) since breaking up over a week ago.

[d0nnivain]

No that is perfectly fine.  Do make a list of everything.  Give her a copy & keep a copy.  You don't want to be accused of keeping anything. 

Another option especially if porch pirates are potentially a problem or you fear she will cause a scene is you box up the stuff & keep it inside.  Have your BFF in the house to wait for her while you do anything else, somewhere else & come home when you have been told the cost is clear.  

[Daisydooks]

2 hours ago, Otter2569 said:

GF and I broke up last week after 4+ years together.  She is coming over to my place in a few days to pick up her things.  Is it wrong to leave her stuff boxed up neatly on my porch and not have any personal contact?  We haven't spoken a word (except 3 brief texts to coordinate getting our things) since breaking up over a week ago.

Nope. Not wrong. Id do the same. I wouldnt want to see my ex or share any words after a break up. Find out when she is coming exactly and say "its on the porch for you. This is whats here for you when you come (then list the items you have for her.) If there is anything Im forgetting let me know so I can make sure its in the box for you when you arrive." Has she stated she wants to see you? 

[Otter2569]

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

No that is perfectly fine.  Do make a list of everything.  Give her a copy & keep a copy.  You don't want to be accused of keeping anything. 

Another option especially if porch pirates are potentially a problem or you fear she will cause a scene is you box up the stuff & keep it inside.  Have your BFF in the house to wait for her while you do anything else, somewhere else & come home when you have been told the cost is clear.  

The catch is that I work from home so i would have to deliberately leave my house or stay inside.  Most of the stuff has no real value (toiletries, a few articles of clothing) but was gonna leave it just inside the garage with the garage door open.  She does have a key to the house.  I don't expect her to do anything but you never know.  

[glows]

I would meet with her face to face and hand over the things. Do you really fear for your safety or that there will be an argument or are you just not wanting to see her? Ask her to return your key to you. 

I've not had a volatile break up. It's always civil even with my ex-husband. All the items were accounted for and where they should be. I think it's very silly not to be civil about it where safety is not a concern. 

[Happy Lemming]

2 minutes ago, Otter2569 said:

  She does have a key to the house.

After she gets her stuff... change the locks.  Even if she gives you your key back, you don't know if she made a duplicate.

Learn from my mistake (many years ago).

[Happy Lemming]

3 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

 Have your BFF in the house to wait for her while you do anything else, somewhere else & come home when you have been told the cost is clear.  

DO THIS!!

This is very good advice!! 

Many people plot revenge, don't be there and you won't be accused.

[Alpacalia]

Leaving her items in a box for her to collect without further contact seems perfectly reasonable.

3 hours ago, Otter2569 said:

it wrong to leave her stuff boxed up neatly on my porch and not have any personal contact? 

 

[Otter2569]

5 minutes ago, Daisydooks said:

Nope. Not wrong. Id do the same. I wouldnt want to see my ex or share any words after a break up. Find out when she is coming exactly and say "its on the porch for you. This is whats here for you when you come (then list the items you have for her.) If there is anything Im forgetting let me know so I can make sure its in the box for you when you arrive." Has she stated she wants to see you? 

Thx. In my text I said id put everything in the garage so she could grab it and leave.  Im pretty sure that set the tone.  Thankfully she didn't have much here...and I have a few days to go through the place.  I like the text idea also. 

[Otter2569]

31 minutes ago, glows said:

I would meet with her face to face and hand over the things. Do you really fear for your safety or that there will be an argument or are you just not wanting to see her? Ask her to return your key to you. 

I've not had a volatile break up. It's always civil even with my ex-husband. All the items were accounted for and where they should be. I think it's very silly not to be civil about it where safety is not a concern. 

No nothing to be afraid of.  I have been friends with almost all of my exs but this one ended strangely: i think we both knew it was over and waited for a small issue to end a weekend away (1st one in forever and it was my birthday weekend).  Neither of us have talked since so good riddance!

[glows]

Since you have a plan or agreement in place using the garage stick with the plan. Hope it goes smoothly. Both of you can resume and move on with your lives too.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Otter2569 said:

 She does have a key to the house.

Change the locks. Let her get her stuff. Keep it simple quick easy. Once she collects her belongings, delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps..

Then you can move forward in peace, free and clear from unfinished business.

[Blind-Sided]

everythign above is good advice.

If it was me... I would ask her to txt before she get there, so you know when to set it out for her.  AND... I wouldn't bother with the key... I would just change the locks.

[Pumpernickel]

11 hours ago, Otter2569 said:

i think we both knew it was over and waited for a small issue to end

Hahahhhh – I've been there. (& I agree with the above posters, as I wouldn't interact, either) 

[I remeber you posting about this R previously; wasn't she the one who had a child you didn't get along with? ....... don't remeber if the child lived with you, though]

It's always weird to end a longish-term relationship abruptly (even if (one or) both felt that it has been building up for a while.....), but when there's nothing more to say, there's nothing more to say. Sadly. I hope all goes well (for both of you).

[Otter2569]

34 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

[I remeber you posting about this R previously; wasn't she the one who had a child you didn't get along with? ....... don't remeber if the child lived with you, though]

It's always weird to end a longish-term relationship abruptly (even if (one or) both felt that it has been building up for a while.....), but when there's nothing more to say, there's nothing more to say. Sadly. I hope all goes well (for both of you).

Yes her teenage daughter was a constant source of trouble that put a lot of strain on us and the relationship.  GF went on anti depressants because of her. Anyhow GF is an emotional flat line and being consumed with her daughters therapy it gave me a lot of alone time to evaluate the situation which I feel is unfulfilling.  I too find it odd not to talk and work on a resolution to this but 12 months of feeling alone gives me no motivation to try! 

[Otter2569]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Once she collects her belongings, delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps..

This is already in process: i unfriended her on facebook immediately after she ended our long weekend.  She has removed herself from any joint social media accounts that we share and removed me from her Netflix account.   I dont plan on deleting her family and friends since they are all very nice...at least not right away.  

[d0nnivain]

If you foolishly chose to stay connected to her friends & family, do yourself a favor & mute them from your social media for a while.  Staying connected to them is not healthy for you.  You don't need to see smiling pictures of her on their posts.  You also have to assume anything you post will get back to her through them.  

IMO it's best to cut ties.  Her people are not your real friends.  You can be polite when you see them out & about but there is no good reason to keep giving them a window into your life now that she's no longer part of it.  Move on.  

[glows]

2 hours ago, Otter2569 said:

This is already in process: i unfriended her on facebook immediately after she ended our long weekend.  She has removed herself from any joint social media accounts that we share and removed me from her Netflix account.   I dont plan on deleting her family and friends since they are all very nice...at least not right away.  

That's a personal choice but their importance to you will fade over time. Don't hesitate to make room for new people in your life and remove the old later. 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

19 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

After she gets her stuff... change the locks.  Even if she gives you your key back, you don't know if she made a duplicate.

Learn from my mistake (many years ago).

What happened? 

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

What happened? 

The woman in question came back (let herself in using a duplicate key) while I was away for the weekend and ransacked my house.  She knew I would be out of town that weekend, as I had planned that trip a while back.

I think she was looking for some cash I kept in my sock drawer.  At that time, I kept some cash in the house (about $3K).  When things started going south in our relationship (before we broke up), I moved it to my safe deposit box at the bank.

In the end, she got nothing for her efforts.  I couldn't prove it was her, but no one else ever had a key to my house and there was no forced entry, so it had to have been her.

So, I changed the locks and cleaned up.

[Otter2569]

18 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

IMO it's best to cut ties.  Her people are not your real friends.  You can be polite when you see them out & about but there is no good reason to keep giving them a window into your life now that she's no longer part of it.  Move on.  

You are right.  While I truly like her friends and family there is zero likelihood of me seeing them again.

[Otter2569]

12 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

The woman in question came back (let herself in using a duplicate key) while I was away for the weekend and ransacked my house.  She knew I would be out of town that weekend, as I had planned that trip a while back.

That really sucks.  And this comes as I am getting ready to take off on a pre planned weeks vacation that she knows about.  She also knows my sons work schedule.  Do you think it's worth notifying the police and or telling her ive notified the police?   

[Pumpernickel]

I wouldn’t notify the police if there is no reason for it. Is there a reason? If there isn’t, you would only cause extra drama that isn’t necessary. And you didn’t mention that she’s unhinged in any way, shape or form. Just agree on a pick up time and stick to the schedule. 

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, Otter2569 said:

That really sucks.  And this comes as I am getting ready to take off on a pre planned weeks vacation that she knows about.  She also knows my sons work schedule.  Do you think it's worth notifying the police and or telling her ive notified the police?   

I would just change the locks.  Personally, I've always used "KwikSet" locks and dead bolts as they are just two screws to release the outdoor knob (keyed portion), then just install the outdoor knob portion (from a new one) and you're done. 

If she breaks in (smashes lock with a hammer or breaks a window to get in) that is a different matter, entirely.  Only at that point, would I call the police.  In my case, there was no "forced entry".  I didn't call the police because I didn't want to escalate the matter, I just wanted (my problem) ex-girlfriend to go away... and she did after that.

I wouldn't tell your ex that you notified the police, this will only escalate the matter.  She may want revenge for your actions. 

The easiest way to have "peace of mind" during your upcoming trip (that she knows about) is to just change the locks.  Less than $20 and less than an hour of your time and the problem is solved.

Just my two cents...

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, Pumpernickel said:

I wouldn’t notify the police if there is no reason for it. Is there a reason? If there isn’t, you would only cause extra drama that isn’t necessary. And you didn’t mention that she’s unhinged in any way, shape or form. Just agree on a pick up time and stick to the schedule. 

Agree.

I must be in the minority or just fortunate to have had an amicable break-up, but if your property is at risk of being vandalized and/or looted, you can always have her pick up her items elsewhere or transport them to her via postal courier.

The most important thing is that if she wants to get back together and you don't, not being present while she collects her belongings is the best thing you can do for both of you.