I met my ex for the first time since breaking up, now he acts strange

[Runninggirl]

We broke up 1 year and 2 months ago. I went straight into no contact to focus on myself, but after a few months he contacted me, and seemed very regretful. We kept in touch for a few months, but he became very hot/cold and on and off. It was very difficult, and he seemed like he couldn't make up his mind. Over the summer i finally dated someone else (unfortunately didn't work out), and things with my ex seem to settle. Like the contact was less ON and OFF, but more low key and consistent. More like friends. Over the summer I finally gave up trying, and it felt like we both just exhaled. So from the summer until recently our contact was very friendly, and I thought to myself that I was glad we both held on, and got through a rough year and remained "friends"/on good terms. 

And then the crazy happened!!!

On our anniversary I randomly run into him for the first time since our break up!! I was meeting a friend at a bar neither of us normally frequent. I walk in all dressed up, having a good day, and my ex and I had texted a few times like normal that day. There he is, and its the first thing I see, and he sees me too. We politely say hello, how are you, some small talk for a few minutes. My friend is there, so I talk to her, and my ex turns around like he doesn't care that Im there, and stands with his back towards me. Almost as if he wants to make a statement to his friends that its no big deal that Im there. 

I leave with my friend. Our encounter was a bit awkward, but not at all hostile. The next day I text him something normal, and he responds, but after that he ghosts me for a few days!! I don't chase, I just accept he wants me to leave him alone so I do. 

Three days later I get a random message. Again we talk for a few days, but he initiate almost nothing. So I stay away again. And now we're back into no contact. Which is ok, Im fine with it.

 

But I just don understand his behaviour and its driving me nuts. We were finally in a good place, only friends, why does he act like this after meeting me? 

The weird thing is that if I contact him, he replies more than usual. If he stopped contacting me because he wants me to leave him alone, why does he suddenly reply so much?

 

In the end I just went back into no contact, which as become my safe place. 

[glows]

It doesn't seem like he doesn't care. You both greeted each other as acquaintances or comrades do. And then he moved on to the rest of the party. Less contact is much more preferable instead of what you were doing prior. You may think that you're friends but leaning too heavily on his responses or behaviours towards you suggests you are still emotionally involved with him. Be more honest with yourself from now on. This isn't merely friendship if you're trying to decode his every turn or move in a public space. Let him go. There's freedom and peace in saying goodbye also and finding friendships with others. 

What you're doing is right with no contact now. Distance yourself and try being less dependent on his replies/responses to you.

[stillafool]

22 minutes ago, Runninggirl said:

We politely say hello, how are you, some small talk for a few minutes. My friend is there, so I talk to her, and my ex turns around like he doesn't care that Im there, and stands with his back towards me

Well he did chat with you for a few minutes as friends would normally do and then you started talking to your friend so he turned his attention back to his friends.  I don't see anything odd about what he did.  This is why you can't really be friends with an ex until years later (and sometimes never) and you both are in relationships with other people.  You try to be friends but one starts thinking they are getting mixed messages from the other and one is always holding on to hope that you'll get back together.

[elaine567]

He treated you just like a friend/acquaintance but you were expecting more.
As you are no longer a couple, you have to get used to being just one of the crowd.
He may have had his eye on another girl that night and you would have been in the way, so he cut you short... or he took your lead and spoke to his friends
Being friends with ex lovers rarely works.
People can think their lover is their friend, but being a lover is a lot different from being a friend, they are not interchangeable.
Men in particular don't tend to want women as platonic friends. 
Once the relationship is over they have no need for an ex who is a platonic friend.
Next time forget about trying to stay friends.

[Wiseman2]

You need to delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps. He's taking up too much headspace.

 You won't be able to move on with this nebulous situationship as a security blanket.

 What if he were sitting there with a gorgeous new GF? 

[Alpacalia]

7 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

But I just don understand his behaviour and its driving me nuts. We were finally in a good place, only friends, why does he act like this after meeting me? 

Why do you think he's behaving strangely?

When there's this back-and-forth with an ex, it seems to be normal for the course.

And you keep getting pushed back emotionally, which is a no-no.

.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 10/8/2021 at 6:51 PM, Runninggirl said:

why does he act like this after meeting me? 

Act like what?

He was polite when he saw you. Got talking to other people. Maybe exchanged a few messages with you. There's nothing really all that strange here. He's an ex but isn't trying to be close buddies. 

But is this the same guy from your threads a while ago? You were quite fixated on that guy, if I recall. If so, you need to block him from your phone so you don't slide back into that place again. 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

On 10/8/2021 at 11:51 AM, Runninggirl said:

But I just don understand his behaviour

He's weaning himself off you slowly, because you're allowing him to come and go as he pleases. No Contact is supposed to be permanent, unless the ex specifically wants to get back together and work on the issues that broke you up. If you're still there waiting like a lost puppy, he will never have a chance to miss what you two had. He's keeping you on the back burner as an option, is case he can't find anything else.

[stillafool]

Isn't this the ex that is now dating another girl?

[Acacia98]

Running girl, why are you undermining your own efforts to move on by "being friends" with this guy? Please stick with your current decision to maintain no contact. Don't break it. After at least 2 years (or however long it takes), when you've truly moved on and genuinely don't care if you bump into him or not, if it makes sense to resume a friendship with him, you can try.

[Runninggirl]

Thanks everyone for the overwhelming response. 

I understand I phrased myself badly. Its not his behavior when we met I find strange, its the one after. I didn't expect anything but a few polite words. He has kept in touch on a friendly basis for a long time, and I was good with that, feeling less anxious, and thinking it could be a good way to keep things. What I don't understand is why he became so flaky, hot and cold again after meeting me. It didnt seem like it had much affect on him, and we were both polite and friendly. 

He is not dating anyone else now, and neither is I. 

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

What I don't understand is why he became so flaky, hot and cold again after meeting me. It didnt seem like it had much affect on him, and we were both polite and friendly. 

That's because it didn't. 

He's fine casually keeping in touch. It's not flaky or hot-cold, really. It's just what casual friends do. They don't chat every day, or even with much frequency. Just once in a while. You're reading too much into it because you still have feelings for him, so your expectations (hopes) are that he talks to you regularly, but that's not what this is. 

Understand that it's better for you not to keep in touch with him, because it sets you back. 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

 thinking it could be a good way to keep things.  he became so flaky, hot and cold again after meeting me. 

He knows you want to get back together and doesn't want to be rude but also doesn't want to give you false hope.

Let go so you can move forward in peace.

[Nothanks]

Why do you feel the need to be friends with him?  Contact with actual friends can vary depending on what is going on in their lives. I’ve never analyzed contact with friends and then describe it as “hot and cold”.  Those are actions and words typical of a romantic relationship.  If he throws you off this much, then it is not healthy for you to stay friends with him. I suspect you both have lingering feelings which is causing his reaction and your response to it. 

[Runninggirl]

It wasn't just hot and cold, it was him talking randomly throughout the day every day, and after we met he didnt even reply for four days at all. So when I just stopped sending, he came back with something strange, and now he's acting weird. If my "normal" friends acted like this I would know. 

Im moving forward and my feelings dont feel as romantic anymore. Im putting that energy elsewhere, and actually crushing a bit on someone else. But he still feel like my best friend, and it would be very empty without him. At least its been every time we dont talk.

[ItsTheDay]

On 10/8/2021 at 12:51 PM, Runninggirl said:

We broke up 1 year and 2 months ago. I went straight into no contact to focus on myself, but after a few months he contacted me, and seemed very regretful. We kept in touch for a few months, but he became very hot/cold and on and off. It was very difficult, and he seemed like he couldn't make up his mind. Over the summer i finally dated someone else (unfortunately didn't work out), and things with my ex seem to settle. Like the contact was less ON and OFF, but more low key and consistent. More like friends. Over the summer I finally gave up trying, and it felt like we both just exhaled. So from the summer until recently our contact was very friendly, and I thought to myself that I was glad we both held on, and got through a rough year and remained "friends"/on good terms. 

And then the crazy happened!!!

On our anniversary I randomly run into him for the first time since our break up!! I was meeting a friend at a bar neither of us normally frequent. I walk in all dressed up, having a good day, and my ex and I had texted a few times like normal that day. There he is, and its the first thing I see, and he sees me too. We politely say hello, how are you, some small talk for a few minutes. My friend is there, so I talk to her, and my ex turns around like he doesn't care that Im there, and stands with his back towards me. Almost as if he wants to make a statement to his friends that its no big deal that Im there. 

I leave with my friend. Our encounter was a bit awkward, but not at all hostile. The next day I text him something normal, and he responds, but after that he ghosts me for a few days!! I don't chase, I just accept he wants me to leave him alone so I do. 

Three days later I get a random message. Again we talk for a few days, but he initiate almost nothing. So I stay away again. And now we're back into no contact. Which is ok, Im fine with it.

 

But I just don understand his behaviour and its driving me nuts. We were finally in a good place, only friends, why does he act like this after meeting me? 

The weird thing is that if I contact him, he replies more than usual. If he stopped contacting me because he wants me to leave him alone, why does he suddenly reply so much?

 

In the end I just went back into no contact, which as become my safe place. 

Doesn't sound like you're fine with it. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

It wasn't just hot and cold, it was him talking randomly throughout the day every day, and after we met he didnt even reply for four days at all. So when I just stopped sending, he came back with something strange, and now he's acting weird. If my "normal" friends acted like this I would know. 

Im moving forward and my feelings dont feel as romantic anymore. Im putting that energy elsewhere, and actually crushing a bit on someone else. But he still feel like my best friend, and it would be very empty without him. At least its been every time we dont talk.

Based on your past threads, this is what he does when he's between girls. Or bored. This back and forth has been going on a long time, and yet you two have never actually reconciled. 

And you keep falling for it. This dude is not your best friend. He's a guy you need to cut out, forever and completely. Block him. 

 

Edited October 12, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Nothanks]

2 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

Im moving forward and my feelings dont feel as romantic anymore. Im putting that energy elsewhere, and actually crushing a bit on someone else. But he still feel like my best friend, and it would be very empty without him. At least its been every time we dont talk.

That is what I was getting at.  You still have romantic feelings for him so he is not just a friend.  Sounds like you are still going through the withdrawal stage.  Keeping in contact will just prolong it and make it more difficult to move on.  Plus exes who become “friends” can cause problems in future relationships.  If you want to move on, you will have to get over your feelings for him. 

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

and now he's acting weird. I

How is he acting weird?  He isn't your best friend.  His actions show that and once people split and separate they are no longer best friends.  It's never a good idea to consider a bf a best friend because break ups happen.   Choose women to be your best friend.

Edited October 12, 2021 by stillafool

[glows]

On 10/12/2021 at 6:05 AM, Runninggirl said:

Im moving forward and my feelings dont feel as romantic anymore. Im putting that energy elsewhere, and actually crushing a bit on someone else. But he still feel like my best friend, and it would be very empty without him. At least its been every time we dont talk.

Yes, enjoy the crush on someone else and have fun. This is a natural fork in the road and time to say goodbye. Move on.

[Runninggirl]

In short we broke up after 5 years together summer 2020, I went into no contact for the first half year. We have had sporadic contact since, mostly him cutting off contact, but also him reaching out. I dated someone else briefly after about one year, which helped me put things into perspective. My ex has been very hot and cold. He hasn't cut off contact since the summer, but has grown colder and occasionally meaner towards me the in the past few months. He dated other girls sporadically until this summer, after that no one. 

Because of corona we never had any chance of meeting, as much as I wanted to the first 6 months of our break up. When we first started talking again a year ago he was very sweet and regretful about the break up and how he handled it. But time flew by, and he moved on from those initial warm feelings.

In september we ran into eachother at a bar. We live in a very small town. We were both a bit thrown off, I gave him a quick hug, gave a few polite words, and made a natural exit. A few weeks later he drunk texts me saying "Didn't see you out tonight", and we talked a bit. But the next morning he was back to his cold self. 

Im very content with how things are. As much as I wish I could go back and stop our break up, he is no longer the man I was in love with. He is cold, mean, seem bitter?, and selfish. The man I miss isn't here anymore. At least not in my life. But as much as I rationally know this, he still affects me.

In november the same thing happened. Running into eachother in such a small town is inevitable. One of his friends grabbed me (I used to be friends with his friends). I said hi, and my ex seemed in a good mood. Considering I know he's battling a very bad depression I was happy to see that he seemed relaxed and enjoying himself. He was much more talkative, not drunk, seemed genuinely happy to see me. I politely greeted everyone, made some polite conversation, and went back to my friends. 

Later that evening I went to the bathroom and passed the guys. My ex was in a good mood and stopped me on my way and made me sit down with them.

For the first time since we broke up it was completely chill, everyone was just joking and having fun. But it was strange because he kept talking to me and treating me like his girlfriend in front of his friends. Not very obvious, just small things. Some guy hit on me while I was there, so could be fueled by just competitiveness. Suddenly he started making remarks as if I would be the mother of his future children, he talked about me in third person and bragged about me to his friends, gave me compliments, and was in general very nice. I was in a very good easygoing mood, making jokes etc. I know a lot of us has a dreamed of a good meeting with our ex, and it couldn't have gone better. I was so happy. 

We sat there for hours, and he seemed to stay because I was there. His friends except one left. When he went to the bathroom when the bar was about to close, I quickly left. There was zero weirdness. I thought to myself "finally we broke the ice, maybe we could just be friends". I didnt want to ruin it by having to walk home alone just the two of us, and having to address the elephant in the room (the break up). He seemed so into me at the bar I also feared he would ask to go home with me, and it would be weird when I said no. 

He quickly texted me after I left, I said I was about to make some food because I was hungry, and he made a suggestion he could come over with food..."if I wanted to". It was subtle, but obvious he wanted to hook up. I politely declined, and he didnt respond anymore. 

I was afraid I made it awkward by saying no, but the next day he texted me several times in a good mood, and also the day after. But suddenly it shifted back to very cold, almost mean, texting me but never responding etc again. Disappointed we couldn't just keep the nice tone. Ive decided to keep it going throughout christmas, but if nothing improves after that Im cutting him off for good. Its not the end I want, but I dont want a friend who treats me like this. I dont understand what he wants. 

Could it be that he felt very rejected? As if he felt he was doing something very risky by suggestion it, and hurt when I said no? A part of me wanted to see him and say yes, and I didnt say "no, you can't bc this and this", I said "Its ok, you dont have to, but thanks :)" 

I dont really have anyone to talk to, so its nice to be able to vent here. Im happy for all imput  

[stillafool]

He's fully aware that you still have feelings for him.  Yes he probably did want to hook up the last time you saw him at the bar.  After drinking most guys want sex so he tried.  It's good you didn't go for it because it wouldn't have resulted in a reconciliation which sounds like what you're after.  The hot/cold treatment is him showing you he can take you or leave you.  Any guy who wanted you back would not act hot/cold with you.  

Edited December 3, 2021 by stillafool

[vla1120]

1 hour ago, Runninggirl said:

Could it be that he felt very rejected? As if he felt he was doing something very risky by suggestion it, and hurt when I said no? A part of me wanted to see him and say yes, and I didnt say "no, you can't bc this and this", I said "Its ok, you dont have to, but thanks :)" 

You did the right thing by not opening that door again, especially when he's been blowing hot and cold. In my experience, it is really difficult for ex's to remain friends. I think you are better off moving forward without trying to remain friends. Since you live in a small town, be prepared for those friendly encounters, but I would not encourage anything more than that. A cordial encounter is good enough and I wouldn't even encourage the texting back and forth. 

[Runninggirl]

1 hour ago, vla1120 said:

You did the right thing by not opening that door again, especially when he's been blowing hot and cold. In my experience, it is really difficult for ex's to remain friends. I think you are better off moving forward without trying to remain friends. Since you live in a small town, be prepared for those friendly encounters, but I would not encourage anything more than that. A cordial encounter is good enough and I wouldn't even encourage the texting back and forth. 

Thank you. I have been trying to cut the texting off several times, every time he goes cold or "disappears". The problem is my absence makes him reach out, and its not really in my nature to ignore or ghost someone. So I reply very short, polite with nothing to reply to, but then he always try more. (A sure sign no contact is the way to go, to anyone here who wonders if it really is the only way to get an ex back). 

I think we might run into eachother once or twice more around christmas, because we both have a lot of social events that leads to going out on the same days. In january I might go cold turkey and not go out as well. Sucks to have to "avoid" my own social life, but maybe just not go out for 3-4 months, and absolutely no contact, no responses etc. I dont believe in blocking, and not really ghosting, but perhaps ghosting is the only way. 

 

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

He's fully aware that you still have feelings for him.  Yes he probably did want to hook up the last time you saw him at the bar.  After drinking most guys want sex so he tried.  It's good you didn't go for it because it wouldn't have resulted in a reconciliation which sounds like what you're after.  The hot/cold treatment is him showing you he can take you or leave you.  Any guy who wanted you back would not act hot/cold with you.  

I can't imagine every not having feelings for him, but I dont believe a reconciliation is possible. I think we've "gone too far", and some of the things he's said, how he has acted after we broke up, combined with some things that happened during our relationship I dont think I could every go back. Ive let the things that has happened go for my own sake, it doesn't make me angry or sad anymore, but it would if we were still dating, because I can't imagine I would be able to forgive him and forget about it. Unfortunately. 

I wish he would apologize, but I dont expect or wait for it. 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

He quickly texted me after I left, I said I was about to make some food because I was hungry, and he made a suggestion he could come over with food.

It's unfortunate that he keeps treating you like a hookup. Move forward. He continues the disrespect because, sadly you allow it.

 Is this the same man?: