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[monkeynuts]

Hi all, long read but advice on situation needed. Seems I’m reliving the past from a few years ago 

 

 

Met a women 2.5 years ago through the gym classes we did. We hit it off from the go - started seeing eachohter knowing she was going away for a month travelling. We kept in contact daily. We met up on her return and it blossomed from there.

 

Fast forward 2.6 years. We’ve had our ups and downs as most relationships do. Covid didn’t help. She’s lived with me for the last 2 years occasionally going back to her dads who lives 15 minute walk away.

I won’t go into the ins and outs of every argument, fall out etc but for a duration I questioned the relationship - was I truly happy. Were we right together.

 

The last 3/4 months Ive been trying for the relationship. One of her hobbies ( she’s a dancer ) meant she was performing at gigs and festivals every weekend. which was the polar opposite to my hours. I work standard mon-fri 8-5

With hobbies etc we were lucky if we had one full day together on the weekends ( usually a sunday )

during the weeks we might ‘see’ each other for an hour or two on the evenings between cooking/eating/hobbies etc ( we cooked separately due to her being vegan and myself not )

 

Anyhow it got to the point intimacy took a back burner in our relationship. no cuddles, no affection it just dwindled. Such a sharp contrast on how things used to be between us.

 

I was raising with her for a while about how we never spend time together anymore. All I was asking for is the odd weekend where we can do some fun stuff and spend some quality time together. I kept being told its money and she enjoys it.

 

Two weeks ago she went to a festival for the whole weekend. On the build up to this weekend we had our first date night - sat there at the restaurant she didn’t seem interested in listening to me talking. Eyes were wandering around the room or to the TV behind me.

We had a frank conversation that night where I asked her whether she was still involve with me….she said she didn’t know.

 

Whilst away at this festival Curiosity had gotten the better of me. Her laptop was left behind and I went on it. At this point call it a gut feeling or basically I just didn’t understand why she had been so cold to me of late.

I found a message in her deleted folder ( on notes ) it was a conversation between her and the manager at one of these gigs she attended every weekend. The conversation crossed a boundary past that of just friends. Talking in depth about what they want from a relationship - subjects like what makes hot sex etc.

It was ended where this guy said drinks will happen when the time is right and he would reply to her response soon.

 

Needless to say I was devastated - I took screenshots and spoke to some close friends. My friends are level headed - they tried to say the conversation had over stepped a line yet to this point it was clear his intentions yet not hers. By his style of writing and the words he was using it was clear to myself and my friends he was saying everything she wanted to hear basically.

 

Anyhow on her return we met up - I had written her a letter. We sat down and I asked her if there was anything she needed to tell me. That all cards needed to be on the table and now is the time for honesty. She said ‘no’

I gave her the letter to read. At the end of the letter I said about how I found this message.

 

We spoke for hours. She said he was just a friend. She understands it crossed a line.With asking more questions I found out he admitted he liked her. I asked what her response was and she said to him she thought he was good looking.

This hurt, like very deep though we continued to talk for hours. Diving into the relationship and being what I thought was vulnerable around one another.

 

At one point it seemed to click - for the first time in so long she listened to me, she acted and started responding. She became affectionate, started suggesting plans and we could do this and that. Would start off slow. The times we would meet would just be to go on cool dates and bring the fun back into us.

 

AS I dropped her home feeling like a million bucks something just didn’t sit right with me.

AS she got out the car I reminded her that her bag was in the boot -  asked her if she would show me these messages between her and this guy….I needed to see with my own eyes that there was nothing else to it.

She looked nervous, asked if I was sure and I was.

AS she opened her phone she said there was something she needed to tell me. That this festival she had just returned from she had gotten this guys number.

She opened the message to this guy.

My heart sank - it read

“hey, meeting you was the highlight of my weekend”

They had sent other messages to one another but by this point it was like a blur.

At this point her phone was in my hand - I went onto the other messages from this guy who she had worked with and to my horror she had actually called him two days prior

“hey gorgeous are you free to talk or are you busy”

This was sent after she had left me and my friend at the pub to go home.

 

I was sat there. Speechless. Not knowing what was real or what was fake.

I said to her what was the last hour of time we had spent together? was it all fake?

She was crying her eyes out at this point. I said to her its fake tears - she was only crying as she was caught. 20 minutes prior she was holding my hand, laughing and joking yet all along she knew this.

I said to her giving her number out to this guy like 2 days ago the whole time I was her boyfriend. We were in a relationship together.

I asked her to tell these guys to get lost if they meant nothing and she refused ‘ she didn’t want to be rude’

She tried to hug me yet I was not interested. I was NUMB! I didn’t know what to say or do and asked her to get out the car.

 

I messaged her that evening just asking what was going on.

 

She replied she was sorry. She was seeking something in these situations that she felt she wasn’t getting from our relationship. That she didn’t know why she had done those things and she needed time.

That she had felt something today she hadn’t felt in such a long time with me and had hope we could sort things out.

 

Fast forward a week. WE had sent a few texts ( I checked in first ) and she said we needed to talk things through.

 

Ill try keep this short as its already a huge essay. But meeting her I opted up to her, for two hours I sat there whilst she picked me apart. How she felt a lot had happened in the relationship - how I pushed her away etc

and finally it got to the point she said she wasn’t involve with me anymore and didn’t think the feelings would come back.

I questioned why she allowed me to sit there for two hours pouring my heart out to her in a sense if all along she knew it was over. I got up said to her that was low and walked out saying someone would drop her stuff round to her.

 

I deleted her number, off all social media. I packed her stuff up and my best friend dropped her stuff round to her at her dads the next day.

My friend off his own back said to her what she had done was out of order, That I had been talking to him for months saying I wanted to save the relationship etc and a few other things.

He said she was sniffly and seemed like she was going to cry.

She asked how I was and e replied ‘he’s doing ok, he’s deleted your number and off social media so he can start to move on’

 

I had to message her dad that evening as I needed his van to collect the huge TV that was hers.

He replied with a note from my ex listing things I had missed.

a plant from my room

a plant from the conservatory

a single dvd

a blanket.

Earlier that day I had returned around 15/20 bags of her stuff.

It cut deep she was so petty about the few remaining bits I had honestly over looked.

 

That was 7 days ago. I have not spoken to her or heard from her. Im a mixture of emotions. I very extremely low, down, upset, angry , confused.

 

I have gone through breakups before and understand its time. But Im just hurting so much. I thought I would vent to a degree on here.

I feel betrayed. My confidence is shattered. I feel a shadow of my former self.

Sleep has become non-existent. Ive only just recently started to get my appetite back.

 

She has left a little family behind. I have a dog and she became his mummy. He’s been totally lost himself as she has just vanished from his life which is hard to witness him being sad.

 

Im struggling with processing my feelings. There will be unanswered questions I will never know the answers to. She has clearly been checked out of this relationship for so long. I understand people fall out of love - but to drag me through the thick of it. To grow close to another guy and give your number our freely to other guys.

Whilst at this festival she had phoned me up to see how I was doing etc.

 

Im just very confused. I don’t know what was real and what was fake. This person was in my life for 2.5 years and now they’re gone. Im feeling lonely currently as she lived with me. I miss her and think Im  fool for missing someone who could treat me like this.

 

I know I need to move on. I need to let go but boy its hard. The stupid part of me is hopeful. Hopeful she will come back. I wonder if its pride or my confidence talking.

I know if she did trying to move past what has happened is damned near impossible. There would be no trust from my end at all.

 

I guess deep down it hurts - knowing I’ve been kicked to the curb and she is probably with this guy she was talking to behind my back.

 

family and friends have said good riddance as some of you may also say…..but I can tell you its not that easy. I do love this women and I just feel like I need a miracle to pick myself back up from this. No contact has been 8 days yet I feel like I have relapsed today 😞 

 

Edited October 8, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[FMW]

I'm sorry things ended that way.  Everything you're feeling is normal, and unfortunately it will just take some time to move past it.

I would recommend holding tight to moving on even if she does come back to you.  She hid things and lied to you, I don't see how you could ever trust her again.  Don't waste time and energy trying.  That would only prolong being stuck where you are right now.

Hang out with your friends and focus on things you enjoy.  Time really does heal if you let it.

[monkeynuts]

Yes it’s the grand old saying ‘time will heal it’s a hard pill to swallow though I know it’s true.

there’s still some confusion my end regarding everything but I’m understanding I need to let it go.

it’s been 14 days since I last saw her and we haven’t spoken since. I kinda gather with her requesting those bits and pieces that’s her making sure there is nothing left here. I know she has no intention of reaching out to me again. Of course there’s a part of me that wants her to but think it’s more pride/ego and my heart wanting that.

ultimately I know the trust is totally done. I would be a wreck if we were to try anything. I’d constantly worry, would stress all the time and I just don’t deserve that. I know I wasn’t perfect in the relationship but I didn’t deserve to be dragged through this. Clearly she checked out months ago. Though the confusing texts about realising she had a misconstrued image of me and get something she hadn’t for a while still has me confused.

then a week later it seem she changed her mind again.

guess I’m just finding it hard - 2.5 years of basically living together and she’s suddenly gone. She hasn’t even looked back. Hasn’t even asked after the dog who adored her and I thought she adored too.

I’ll move on in time. For now I’m trying new hobbies, trying to stay fit, eat healthy and just work through my feelings.

 

I guess the worst thing is thinking she is living her life totally fine whilst I’m still here with her in my thoughts wondering just where it went wrong