LAT (live apart together) Relationships

[Jgg87]

Hi bit of a long story but wanting to give a bit of info on the background of what and why I am in desperate need for some advice and support🙏🙏.

Hi for my entire life i have battled with major insecurity issues.  I met my partner when  I was 16 and started seeing him when i was 19.  I clung onto him immediately but he was such a free spirit (still is) and was not interested in settling at that stage, but i wouldnt take no for an answer until i had too because it would have been borderline harrassment (from my end).  This is extremely hard for me to admit but in order for myself to get better, i need to start being honest.  I had other relationships after that but never felt the intensity i felt for him.  Fast Forward 9 years and a 2 year old daughter (from a relationship prior), we crossed paths while he was home for a weekend (as he lived 9 hours away at the time) and that was it, i was sold.  I said to him that he cant just hook up with me for shits and gigs like before, its him for me and always has been.  Being himself (the very go with the flow, free spirit, maybe a bit of a commitment phobe) he said if its meant to be its meant to be.  We did the long distance thing for about 12 months and i got pushy and forceful in ways i guess and just wanted to be with him so i moved my daughter and I down to him which resulted in all 3 of us coming home 2 weeks later to reside back in our hometime.  It will be our 6th anniversary next month, and we have a 3 year old son also, but its a really unhealthy relationship.  Its unhealthy because it consumes me.  Im an extremely insecure person and have been since a young child.  With him i feel secure, safe, like im worthy, but without him i feel so lost, lonely, no self love and unworthy.  This puts alot of strain onto him as im fully relying on him for my happiness.  Him being the free spirit he is, this makes him want to stay as far away from me as possible ... and im forever ripping into him about him not loving me and it drives him mental!  We arnt growing as a couple because im not my own person!  I have no hobbies or interests and hes always saying that I need "my thing", i dont have anything that i like doing on my own and its not good, everybody needs "their thing".  I know my attachment to him is unhealthy and in order for us to go forward or for me just to grow as a person, i need to work on myself, majorly.  I have since applied for a unit and i was succesfull but its week 4 and still have not moved in... i thought maybe giving the whole LAT (live apart together) thing a go would be a good start to working on things..  i want to hear about how LAT has worked for people.  I think its a great idea but i dont have anyone i can really talk too about these things with.  Waiting for a psychologist is about a 3 month wait.  We intend to stay fully committed but without just throwing away our relationship because without my problems we are good, we work together well when doing things around the house (hes not very much help domestically though) and our sex life is good so we dont lack in that department either) .... please im begging for some advice and some strength.  Thank you so much for reading❤🙏

[Weezy1973]

First, acknowledging your problems and seeking help from a psychologist is a great start. I find it interesting that with your insecurities you’re so drawn to a free spirit.

 

As for LAT, who knows? I’d say your priority has to be the kids, so choose whatever works best for achieving stability in their lives.

[Wiseman2]

What type of unit did you apply for? Are you still living together? How involved is the father of your older child? Is there visitation? Does he pay child support?

Do you work? Do you have trusted friends and family nearby?

Did he ask you to move out? What, exactly is it the you wish to achieve by separation? It's a huge step away from the relationship. 

See a physician about your overall physical and mental health. Discuss moods obsessional behaviors etc. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Who takes care of your children when you are working? Is this housing unit through social services?

 

[Jgg87]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What type of unit did you apply for? Are you still living together? How involved is the father of your older child? Is there visitation? Does he pay child support?

Do you work? Do you have trusted friends and family nearby?

Did he ask you to move out? What, exactly is it the you wish to achieve by separation? It's a huge step away from the relationship. 

See a physician about your overall physical and mental health. Discuss moods obsessional behaviors etc. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Who takes care of your children when you are working? Is this housing unit through social services?

 

Just a unit around the corner, actually strangely enough its the same one my daughter and I were in when my partner and I were doing the long distance thing!  My daughters father isnt involved much (his own choice, i have never said he cant have her or visit etc and i have offered to bring her to him to visit - he lives 3 hours away).  My partner has been around since she was 2 and she is turning 9 next month.  He loves her so much and is a great father to her, treats her as his own.  I do work, i support people with disabilities and i work 30+ hours a week.  I have family but i shut them out as we are very different from eachother and i feel like i dont live up to their standard.  He didnt, i raised the topic after i ended up in hospital due to a nervous breakdown 8 weeks ago and he is supportive and just wants me to sort my issues out and to get better, so whatever that takes.  My aim is to get some independence into my life and maybe do something for me, that makes me happy, to realise i am my own person.. my children go to school and daycare when working 🙂

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Jgg87 said:

 i ended up in hospital due to a nervous breakdown 8 weeks ago 

Ok. Focus on your mental and physical health, most of all for your children.

Make sure you follow up with your doctors and psychiatrist and whatever medications, treatments and therapy is recommended.

It may be best to live in your own place with your children until you are stabilized.

[Jgg87]

46 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

First, acknowledging your problems and seeking help from a psychologist is a great start. I find it interesting that with your insecurities you’re so drawn to a free spirit.

 

As for LAT, who knows? I’d say your priority has to be the kids, so choose whatever works best for achieving stability in their lives.

Thank you!  Yeah, its funny but all the relationships i have had i was quickly turned off because they were into me 100% ... the two i have had that i wernt turned off by were/are with men much older than me (10 years) that were more emotionally mature and dont "NEED" a partner.  Eg - if we were to split they would be able to handle it better than someone who wasnt as mature .. i hope im being clear in what im trying to say lol.

[chillii]

First of all don't tell me your inventing yet another internet relationship or dating term with this lat stuff , please. At any rate , you've literally spelt out everyone of your issues , so your within yourself a mile ahead of most because you can at least actually recognize these things.

Of course it would be a huge help to you when you can get the right help but meanwhile you could and should be trying the old school method , of the days before every person and their dog started going to therapy for anything and everything , work on yourself. Everyone has to do it there's no other way even if you go see someone , you'll still have to do the work yourself they can't do it for you. So meanwhile because you at least recognize the issues you can work on it day by day and with baby steps you'd be amazed at what you can turn around with a bit of effort and self discipline. Your relationship and family need you to start making changes as of today, and you can do it.

Edited October 10, 2021 by chillii