Dilemma trying to get my ex gf back after breakup

[madman]

So I began dating my ex around a year ago.

 

We hit it off great and quickly became exclusive.

She had a great personality and was full of life.

She quickly became enamored with me and showered me with affection and love.

 

Something I probably wasn’t quite used too at such a fast pace.

I myself have typically taken things slowly in relationships due to being cautious in showing my true feelings. It's just my nature.

 

She also has 2 children which was another reason I took things slowly as taken on children is a big commitment.

 

Nevertheless we had a great time together, and of course great sex.

She would also do anything for me buying me small gifts and always doing small things to show me how much she cared about me.

 

However, she started to express her concern about 6 months into the relationship that I wasn't emotionally available enough to her. Which I replied I like to take my time.

 

We had a few arguments about this as she felt we weren't connecting on a deep enough level.

 

I am by nature a fairly laid back person and not outwardly emotional.

 

Even though I did show her lots of affection and cared for her very much I was obviously frustrating her.  Something I regret not taking on board more.

 

Eventually after nearly a year we ended up having a small break for a week and at the end she asked to break up.

I was a bit taken aback but I accepted this. We both said we loved each other and she said she still had hopes for us.

 

In the next few weeks I missed her very much and in hindsight I should have pushed for reconciliation and worked on my issues. We were still keeping in touch and actually stopped fighting and it started to feel more relaxed again.

 

Then one day out of the blue a few weeks after we broke she disappeared on me which was very out of character for her. This actually worried me as I thought something might of happened.

So I blew up her phone with text messages and phone calls asking if she was ok, but she never replied.

I actually became quite distressed by this time as I genuinely thought something had happened.

And strange why she couldn’t even send a single test message to let me know she was alright.

 

Eventually after 36 hours she replied and said she was ok but will call me in a few days. Telling me 1 of her family members had been in an accident and she didn't want to speak to anyone including me.

 

I found this quite strange and I then felt quite angry as I had been quite stressed about her.

So then I replied with some rather nasty messages saying she could of at least let me know.

 

I even accused her of lying to me and that it seemed like she might have been with another guy in which case she could at least tell me. And I would leave her alone.

Of course she became quite angry for me suggesting this.

In hindsight I shouldn't of accused her. But I was angry she couldn’t reply.

 

Needless to say this put made me suddenly do a backflip and realise I didn't want to lose her.

 

So the next day I asked if we could work things out.

However she was now angry at me and said no she wanted some space.

 

So I then went on a typical begging and pleading spree telling her how much I did love her and really wanted her back and to have a future with her.

 

However, she kept saying to me she felt hurt and needed more space.

She literally became a different person overnight, and became distant from me.

 

So long story short I have been pursuing her for last 2 months and have managed to gain back some of her trust and seen her multiple time and been intimate with her.. while also improving myself and  opening up to her completely.

However she said she still wants to take her time with me. Which I understand completely.

The only thing is when she's not with me she is quite distant with her messaging and phone calls.

My gut thinking that’s strange.

 

So last week I asked if there was someone else around, and she admitted yes there is.

So she has been seeing someone the whole time I've been trying to get her back which obviously floored me.

 

I know I made the mistake of letting her go when we broke up but I know I truly do love this girl very much and I want a future with her.

 

So my dilemma has now become do I walk away knowing there is someone else around, or do I pursue her and attempt to get her back as mine. 

 

She said she can't make a decision right now, but said maybe down the track we can try again.

 

I feel like I'm just a backup plan now if this other guy doesn't work out. Even though I don't have any idea how serious it is.

 

I just know if I walk away I'll lose her forever.

 

I feel so heartbroken without her right now.

 

 

[madman]

Also it would be nice to hear maybe from a Woman's point of view,

I feel like I need to pursue her while still showing emotional stability to prove how serious I am, however I'm aware how weak that could to her and it gives her the upper hand. But I'm willing to suck that up as ultimately it is my doing that caused the breakdown.

But if I go no contact which will start my healing process and make me look stronger, and it may cause her to reach out to me, I feel this will be highly unlikely.

 

 

[Nothanks]

She is testing out the new guy to see if she likes him better.  You are the back up plan,  Stop trying to win her back.  You have told her how you feel.  Don’t contact her. There is nothing more to tell her.  Detach and move on.  Easy to say but hard to do.  

[Nothanks]

1 minute ago, madman said:

 

I feel like I need to pursue her while still showing emotional stability to prove how serious I am, however I'm aware how weak that could to her and it gives her the upper hand. But I'm willing to suck that up as ultimately it is my doing that caused the breakdown

This isn’t about having the upper hand or appearing strong.  I think you should let go but if you really need to be sure of her feelings, you tell her that you take responsibility for your part in the relationship and have learned a lot from it.  Ask her if she will reconsider and try again.  If she does not want to or wants To date you both, tell her you are not interested in sharing her with another man.  And then wish her the best.  

 

Btw, do you know when she started seeing the new guy?  Could she have cheated on you?  

[madman]

Would only be about 6 weeks ago, so no she wasn't cheating on me

[ajequals]

Time to move on as It seems she has. 

[assertives]

It seems like she has moved on tbh. My guess is, her enthusiasm about you and her love likely faded and died a little bit by bit before the mini break and and culminated when she asked for a breakup. Especially since she said she felt she wasn't connecting enough on a deep enough level and that you weren't emotionally available enough for her at various points in the relationship.

I wouldn't hold my breath that she will come back especially knowing there's another person in the picture. It frankly doesn't matter how serious or not things are with this other person. Her indecision is actually already a decision. At the end of the day, you'd want her to come back because of you and what you guys had together, and not because there aren't better options around. I would say it's best to let go and move on. 

[elaine567]

Trouble is SHE broke up with you and you are acting as if you have some control of the outcome.
As the dumpee you don't.
It is up to her whether she will take you back and unfortunately lack of emotional connection and emotional unavailability is a pretty big reason to end things.
You cannot "change" who you are in a few short weeks and she knows that.
Most "change" until they get comfortable again and then revert to type

You  can't rewrite the past and women especially and usually, have very long memories.   
Being unable to get close to you would have caused her upset and she can no doubt give you a long list of when and how you disappointed her.
Once she reached her tipping point, you were then history.
As you  cannot erase her "unhappy list" then you are now in a very poor position to restart anything.
Also as she has now openly  moved on, she is very unlikely to want to go back to the same old same old...
Most people break up essentially so they are free to date new people.
Very few dumpers want to repeat what caused them pain and upset.
If is was that bad they split up with you, then why would they want to to go back to you?
Sorry!

Grieve, heal and move on is my advice.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, madman said:

 she felt we weren't connecting on a deep enough level.

 I asked if there was someone else around, and she admitted yes there is.

Sorry this is happening. You had way too many reservations, kept your distance and essentially pushed her away.

You're basically incompatible so it makes sense after a breakup that she would find someone more compatible and less icy.

Don't fall into the "only want it when it's gone" trap. You didn't want her when she was there for you.

Go your separate ways and don't date women with kids or women with deal breakers. 

[kendahke]

10 hours ago, madman said:

But I was angry she couldn’t reply.

That's not a legitimate excuse for an adult.

Vindictive temper tantrums are never attractive, especially in adults. I mean, you had no emotional investment you could make with her when you had the chance and the time, but you have all this emotion when she won't take your icy mess? It's a colossal turn off, my dude.

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She literally became a different person overnight, and became distant from me.

So would any sane person who was dealing with someone who felt justified in parsing out their emotional investment. You turned her completely off with your manipulation.

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So she has been seeing someone the whole time I've been trying to get her back which obviously floored me.

I know I made the mistake of letting her go when we broke up but I know I truly do love this girl very much and I want a future with her.

 

This sounds more like you can't have your toy anymore. That's not love. That's manipulation.

You had a year to open up that can of "act right" and at each crossroad you came to, you chose to stay on the path of:

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I wasn't emotionally available enough to her.

I am by nature a fairly laid back person and not outwardly emotional.

 

Life is too short for that. You and she are incompatible. She's moved on.  Sounds like you need to do the same thing. Perhaps a therapy will get you to the point where you no longer value not investing yourself emotionally in someone while they're in your presence.

[ShyViolet]

What makes you think that you have the right to keep "pursuing" this woman after she broke up with you and the relationship is over?  You need to stop.  This sounds like harassment and borderline stalking.  Leave this woman alone and accept that she doesn't want to be with you.  I literally don't understand why someone would want to harass a person who dumped them, "blow up" their phone and refuse to accept that the relationship is over.  Don't you have any dignity?  Or any concept that it's not ok to do this to someone?

[Sun Seeker]

Life lesson: an ex is an ex for a reason. Never get back with an ex.

[mark clemson]

Why are you trying so hard to get back together with her when she is so lukewarm?

Breakups tend to cause a large drop in your brain's dopamine levels (which can have a big impact on your subjective happiness and distress).

Maybe step back and get some perspective on your own behavior here. Consider - are you chasing her, because she is so very great? Or are you trying to make yourself feel better by restoring all that dopamine that's missing?

I suspect it's the latter. From what you've written it sounds like you two are only moderately compatible at best. If you can pull yourself together you might find the pastures are greener somewhere else. You might have no choice in the matter at some point, depending on how things go.

[Lotsgoingon]

I'm sorry things aren't working out for you. 

Look, once she breaks up with you, it's none of your business if she's out of touch or if she's with someone else or if she were to sell herself on the street. After breakup, NONE of that is any business of yours. 

Your expectation that 36 hours is a long time to stay out of touch--when you're broken up--totally wrong, makes no sense. None. Talking to someone during a breakup is not the same thing as reconciling. You're confusing the two. Often the person who dumps just tries to be kind to the person dumped. That doesn't mean you have a right to pry into her life. That right expires at breakup.  

She didn't owe you a reason for why she didn't immediately return your call. She didn't owe you a return call at all. And it's not your job to check on her to see if she was safe.  You can do it, but don't expect credit from the other person. You're invading their space. She's got friends and family who can report her missing if there was a real problem. 

And to back up, you were emotionally distant. Another problem. Perhaps the biggest problem. This one requires work. And giving her presents and worrying about her is not the same as being emotionally open and close. 

This can be a great opportunity for you to go off and work on yourself. Learn how to be emotionally open. In some ways, the ONLY point of a relationship is to be with someone who is emotionally open. Yes, there are practical favors and all of that. But if the person isn't open, we might as well be with a stranger. Might as well purchase a talking robot. Dating makes no sense if someone is closed. We can't trust people when they are closed and distant. We can't know people (or what they're thinking and feeling) when they are closed and distant. 

What's up with being so closed? You can be open AND go slow in committing to her. It's understandable that you would want to go slow with someone with two children.  But going slow and being closed are two different things. You can be open AND go slow. You tell her honestly what you're thinking and feeling in real time. 

Do you know what you're thinking and feeling when you're being distant? Or are you aware of your feelings but simply reluctant to share them. You should know that we hold back on what we're feeling, the other person usually picks up some tension in our body. So there becomes this gap between what you're saying (I'm fine) and what your body is saying (I'm not comfortable). 

Or is it that you have trouble sharing your positive feelings for her? 

 

[Marsden]

Never be someone else's second choice.

Even if she chooses you she won't respect you and even worse, you won't respect yourself.

 

[Lotsgoingon]

SoOP, in my previous I emphasized how being distant really doesn't work for any partner. 

But being distant has another bad effect. It blocks YOU from feeling loved and nurtured. People can only nurture us to the extent that we open up to them. Otherwise they're just giving generic nurture. The nurture you want is that which is tailored specifically to how you're feeling, your fears, your achievements, your interests, you gifts, your vulnerabilities.

So you're blocking the other person from loving you. The other person feels that block, even if they don't articulate it. And it's REALLY tiring to be with someone who is silent in ways that don't make sense. There are ways of being silent which are OK. But you have to tell the person literally, "Hey, I am silent because I'm feeling good and I get quiet when I'm happy and thus I'm having a good time." 

I had an ex who would get really quiet at certain times when she was really happy. But she told me that the first time I mentioned it. So I knew what she was thinking and feeling. And I could feel good when she got silent in a certain way. BTW: her happy "silent" times were very different from when she felt distant. Very different body language--hugely different body language and facial expressions. 

Edited October 13, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[spiderowl]

I'm sorry but I think you would be wasting your time trying to get her back.

"She said she can't make a decision right now, but said maybe down the track we can try again."

This (above) to me means, I'm not interested in pursuing a relationship with you right now.  If I find myself on my own again in future, maybe I will but I won't promise anything.

She had actually broken up with you so you were not in a relationship with her, although from your point of view you were pursuing her and being a changed person.  Unfortunately, pursuing someone does not mean they are obliged to tell you what they are doing all the time.  She was entitled to disappear if she wanted to without giving you an explanation.  An 'I'm ok' message would have been civil but she didn't respond to you.

Reacting angrily really is the death knell for a tenuous relationship.  I presume you and she had not agreed that you were 'together' again?  You were in effect FWB at that stage.

I think that after you both split up, she had moved on emotionally but you hadn't.  She enjoyed the time you spent trying to win her back but she never quite trusted that the revised you could last.  She had memories of feeling disengaged from you and frustrated with you.  She may even have met someone else who was showing interest in her.  While you might have been working towards a relationship with her again, she was seeing it as spending pleasant time with someone she knows.

It might be an idea to see a counsellor to see if they can help you to identify how you may have been emotionally closed off from her.  For all you know, that might not have been the mean reason for the split, but that she felt generally disconnected for all sorts of reasons.  Seeing a counsellor might help you to understand what happened and help you cope with this latest blow.

 

Edited October 13, 2021 by spiderowl