Opposite sex Friendship vs Romantic Relationship

[Mysterio]

So in your mind.  Whats the big difference between your opposite Sex friendship and your Romantic Relationship.  Is it really sex.  

For me.  In my Romantic relationship.  On my side within the relationship.  I see myself as striving to be upbeat and be well dressed/groomed for her.  We both have deep dive conversations and laughs.  We indulge in Social and Recreational activities and there is physical affection between us on a regular basis.

Opposite Sex friendship.  I have to feel like we are more like brother/sister.  We are more causal and relaxed with each other and no major heavy expectations towards each other.  Other than getting together and sharing whats going on in our lives.  

Is there any blurring of the lines and how does your SO feel about you spending time with your opposite sex friend?

[Foxhall]

57 minutes ago, Mysterio said:

Opposite Sex friendship.  I have to feel like we are more like brother/sister.  We are more causal and relaxed with each othe

I do experience some matters related to this,

First of all the thing was I was useless with women for a long time-then I discovered a hidden talent for foreign women in particular in recent years.

On that basis (that I was useless thru my 20s) I feel I can justify having close relationships with a few ladies.

I suppose currently I am in the longest relationship I have ever been in with a lady (just over two years) and yes we are still on course for marriage I think.

This thing of friendship with other women is definitely an issue for her. I was barred for a while from maintaining the other friendships.

there is only one "other woman" presently this hungarian girl with whom I have as you describe a brother/sister relationship.

Anyways her and girlfriend met recently on a double date so I think gf is ok now and more relaxed about it all. I was advised that here before actually if want to maintain relationships with both-have to introduce them- so think that was best plan. If gf says straight out I have to end this other friendship then I will.

tbh the biggest difference for me is I can tell my deepest secrets better to the friend,

my gf was stung before, divorced, so I think it worries her if I show any signs of weakness,

the friend is a lot more laid back where as gf is driven to succeed.

I am a clean living enough guy (dont smoke no drink really nowadays, even eat vegan a lot) however I am partial to the odd gamble from time to time, 1000 euro (is the currency here) on a horse race etc

Again the friend loves all that but gf is "no way gambling is game of the devil and so on". I could say anything to the friend but with gf I am conscious ok need to always put my best side out.

Then again the gf is a really genuine girl I know she will always be in my corner and very supportive. dare I say that the friend may lean more towards the gold digger nature.

lol I love them both in different ways I suppose.

 

[chillii]

Couldn't even compare the two.

lt's always felt very weird though to me being just friends with women , not bc l wanna sleep with them l obviously wouldn't , that's why we're just friends.

l'm use to the realness and closeness of a relationship and marriage though so being just friends with a female is just so far far lesser than that, it all just feels plain weird to me. lt's not even on the same planet.  Especially if your going places or sitting around at night , or a long drive together, anything really. The communication , or really the lack of as compared to a real partner , all of it, it's all just feels very very empty to me as some friend thing. l've had a few but in the end tbh , as friends l'd far sooner hang out with guys , lots more in common and you can just be the male that you are with mates. Too much hold back with women as friends , no fun.

[ItsTheDay]

We're all human, and we are (most of us) attracted to the opposite sex. We are also animals and mating is part of us. I don't care who you are or what you say. There is always one side of the party in an opposite sex friendship that wants to mate with the other. Just because you won't sleep with your opposite sex friend doesn't mean they won't. 

This is also a reason why females are the ones with more male friends and/or male acquaintances. Most of their male friends/acquaintances would sleep with them, resulting in the male friend to behave in a different way around them. 

[MeadowFlower]

8 hours ago, Mysterio said:

So in your mind.  Whats the big difference between your opposite Sex friendship and your Romantic Relationship.  Is it really sex. 

For me no, it's not sex that makes a friendship a relationship. That would make it a FWB. 

Friendships with the opposite sex should be incredibly casual, like hanging out in a group and not one on one. Not sharing your heart with the other person just keeping everything light and not getting your heart invested. Not regularly contacting each other.

Romantic relationships for me, are what others call a friendship, (plus the romantic side). A close friendship to me, is pretty much a relationship. 

I actually don't believe in being friends with a guy unless he is someone I like. 

[ZA Dater]

5 hours ago, ItsTheDay said:

We're all human, and we are (most of us) attracted to the opposite sex. We are also animals and mating is part of us. I don't care who you are or what you say. There is always one side of the party in an opposite sex friendship that wants to mate with the other. Just because you won't sleep with your opposite sex friend doesn't mean they won't. 

This is also a reason why females are the ones with more male friends and/or male acquaintances. Most of their male friends/acquaintances would sleep with them, resulting in the male friend to behave in a different way around them. 

For me this is the best summary I have ever read about this topic. I think its possible to have female friends but its a difficult line unless there is no attraction at all from either party and this would seem unlikely in most instances.

[Veronica73]

I don't have an SO right now. I feel like it shouldn't be a problem if you are both trustworthy and have some semblance of self-control. People are attracted to other people all the time and choose not to act on it. It seems pretty crappy to expect your SO to cut off/or avoid friendships with 50% of the population.

[chillii]

5 hours ago, ItsTheDay said:

We're all human, and we are (most of us) attracted to the opposite sex. We are also animals and mating is part of us. I don't care who you are or what you say. There is always one side of the party in an opposite sex friendship that wants to mate with the other. Just because you won't sleep with your opposite sex friend doesn't mean they won't. 

This is also a reason why females are the ones with more male friends and/or male acquaintances. Most of their male friends/acquaintances would sleep with them, resulting in the male friend to behave in a different way around them. 

 

Must admit for me in the past yeah , in the end she has wanted more so things have just gotten awkward in the end. l've never been in a situation where l'd really wanted more. l wouldn't hang around with a women like that trying to be just friends if l did.Another thing l found too was you still eventually get dragged into all their female issues but that's only worth dealing with for a real partner , couldn't be bothered dealing with it with just a friend as well.

l still have one female from known her yrs but even that , as cool as she is , one of the coolest smartest grounded women l'm ever known only reason we're still friends but you know. lt's a totally different friendship to what it would be with a male and there's still girly stuff in there l can't really be bothered with. l'm amazed we've even lasted this long tbh.

 

 

 

Edited October 12, 2021 by chillii

[Mysterio]

I have written this before/  This is my current view of women and my female friends.

AG is 49 and married.  We were in high school for one year together.  She moved to the USA to my Canada.  She met her husband and 7 yrs later had kids with him after they were married.

DS was my Yoga teacher and I met her at work. She has a son/grandkids and her male partner that she lives with.

JK is my best friends wife and we hang out in the context of her husband.

JC is single. I met her at a party.

JO I did go out with in 2003 and our relationship evolved into friendship andI get together with her a couple time a year.

DD is my ex.  I see her 2-3 times a year.  She had a daughter through in-vitro and is single.

AC is my friend that is married with kids and she lives in Australia.

Everywoman that is not them.  They are Romantic Prospects or Acquaintances that I don't go out of my way to hang with.  AG/DS/JK are the only ones out of the list of women that I see on a regular basis or interact with.  Especially DS/AG.  

 

As Basil has stated that being friends with women is strange.  For me not having a Steady GF is strange to me.  I see the women around me as sort of lackluster when it comes to dating.  Like for them.  Dating is a chore.  Even when Sex is not apart of the situation at the start for the most part.  I think that Sex should come into play maybe with Date #4 and there is a strong connection.  Which is that both parties want to have physical affection from each other.  

I think that 90 % of men can't be friends with women, unless they have at least 1-2 women are in their lives that want to have physical affection from that man on a regular basis.  The funny thing is as life goes by.  The Physical thing wanes if both couples don't put efforts into their health and looks.  

 

I also like to have indepth conversations as well with both men and women.  I don't want to go for a bike ride and talk about light fluffy stuff.  I talk about Family/Friends/Work/Music/Movies/Recreational activities/Politics/Spirituality/What we are doing with our lives now.  

I in a nutshell am like this.  I work at my local Hospital.  I see my family/friends when I can.  I go to see local music and whoever comes to town.  I work out and do Intermittent Fasting/Buddhist Chanting.  

My life Arc with women is basically Short term relationship.  Even though I want a LTR.  It seems the pattern with me is every couple of yrs there is a woman that likes me romantically, but its short lived.  Maybe I am lucky that I don't have anything with a woman that would cost me in the end.  So no Kids/Marriage that is of any burden to me.  I have seen a lot of Classmates get divorced going into their late 30 or 40's.  Staying together is not the norm these days.  Its like if a Pastor married a 100 people a year and tracks them 10 yrs later.  70 % of them are Divorced or on their way to it.  

Edited October 13, 2021 by Mysterio

[Foxhall]

1 hour ago, Mysterio said:

So no Kids

Do you mind me asking , Is that a regret for you??

[Wiseman2]

Since you have no interest in marriage or kids serial casual dating seems to work fine for you.

The grey area seems to be whether they are friends or dates.

[elaine567]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Since you have no interest in marriage or kids serial casual dating seems to work fine for you.

The grey area seems to be whether they are friends or dates.

He is not casual dating.
He is gets "chosen" by some woman every few years, it lasts a short time and she ends it.
The rest are pure friends who are already attached or who have no interest in dating him.


 

[Mysterio]

5 hours ago, Foxhall said:

Do you mind me asking , Is that a regret for you??

I am 50 yr  young Black male.  I don't have any regrets having kids.  My women friends are legitimate friends.  I am listing the pattern.  Not how I would like things to be.  I would love to have a steady LTR.  It has not happened yet.  I have friends that are closing in on 50 that have their LTR's breaking apart.  Some are still going strong.  I look at the women that my male friends are with.  It seems the more low key the woman is.  The more the LTR is intact.  If the woman likes to hold court with her friends and wanting to go out to the bar, and all of that.  The more it will break apart.  

[Mysterio]

4 hours ago, elaine567 said:

He is not casual dating.
He is gets "chosen" by some woman every few years, it lasts a short time and she ends it.
The rest are pure friends who are already attached or who have no interest in dating him.


 

My women friends.  Two of them I have gone out with in the deep past.  JO in 2003.  DD in 2012.  I don't see them on a regular basis.  I was with JO the other day.  No big deal.  She is single.  She is more of a free sprit.  So its not like she wants to settle down with anyone at this stage of her life.  DD has her daughter through in-vitro.  She is happy with her and her little one who is turning  3 soon.  The others I was not trying to be with them romantically.  However no new woman that flows into my life will just flow into the friendship vibe with me.

Should I be dating 10 women a year.  I don't even see that as much with my single male friends.  Even some of my single female friends.  None of us are steady dating.  My last relationship was in 2020.

[elaine567]

Who mentioned 10 women a year?

[mark clemson]

On 10/12/2021 at 1:44 AM, Mysterio said:

So in your mind.  Whats the big difference between your opposite Sex friendship and your Romantic Relationship.  Is it really sex. 

Well, as an adult a friend is often someone you see occasionally vs. a LTR person you will see quite frequently (assuming not a long distance R).

As mentioned above, there is "depth" of conversation/sharing as well. Also your life with the LTR partner is often "intertwined" (e.g. finances, shared plans, living arrangements) to a much greater extent.

So both quantity and quality of "sharing your life" with the other person.

But yes, the lines can get blurred or start to, e.g. if one "catches feelings" or you turn the friendship into a FWB situation. Generally, you don't have sex with a friend, particularly on a regular basis.

[ASG]

I have several male friends who are literally just that. 

Most of them are married and have children. 

One of them I'd consider my best male friend (I also have a best female friend), and we see each other regularly, when we're in the same country/not too busy with work. Usually once a week/fortnight. He is married and has a child. I am Auntie ASG to her. 

Obviously I've also had friendships that moved on to something else, or didn't and faded because of that, either on my part or theirs, but for the most part, I've had genuine  opposite sex friendships that have lasted a very very long time. 

[chillii]

For me personally it's about whatever works for anyone else.l love female company but l'm use to much closer than just friends and the friend stuff has never worked out for long anyway or just felt weird, maybe one will one day, who knows. Some people can have long friendships with the other side, even known a few that got together or married 10yrs later, some have just stayed friends. lf it works for you that's nice , whatever .

You sound like you have a nice life anyway , good friends and family , and hopefully you like your job and hobbies, where you live and your home and stuff.

Edited October 13, 2021 by chillii

[Lotsgoingon]

The answer is not all that complicated.

With romantic partners or possible romantic partners, I'm thinking about dating or having sex with them. 

With women friends, I'm not thinking of dating or having sex with them.  Doesn't mean I don't notice that when a friend looks really good. I do. And they notice when I'm looking really good. But I can settle into not wanting anything more than friendship from them. I'm not lusting after them, I'm not feeling the pull towards them. 

I had one close woman friend who I flirted with a lot with.   I just loved telling her how beautiful her legs were (she loved wearing shorts). She loved hearing it. But again, I wasn't thinking of sleeping with her. The energy between her and me was stable and settled around friendship. Don't know how else to say it. 

[Mysterio]

I do think its harder for Men to be plain straight friends with a woman than vice versa.  I feel like if we had a woman go out on one date with a man for 7 days.  Thats 7 men in one week and she could pick who she would want to go out  again with.  She would pick 2.  A man in that situation would pick 6 women.  

[ASG]

Maybe.. But you're forgetting that there are also Bi people who have friends. 

Bi people are sexually attracted to both sexes. And, believe it or not, they have friends! Of both sexes, usually! 

I have several Bissexual friends. Mostly women, but a few men as well.  And they could all be attracted to me, because they are all attracted to women. But we're still friends and no one is thinking of having sex with me! 

But, if you only think of the opposite sex as "meat" (for lack of a better word), then yes, having meaningful friendships with them will be tricky.

[dramafreezone]

On 10/12/2021 at 1:44 AM, Mysterio said:

So in your mind.  Whats the big difference between your opposite Sex friendship and your Romantic Relationship.  Is it really sex.  

For me.  In my Romantic relationship.  On my side within the relationship.  I see myself as striving to be upbeat and be well dressed/groomed for her.  We both have deep dive conversations and laughs.  We indulge in Social and Recreational activities and there is physical affection between us on a regular basis.

Opposite Sex friendship.  I have to feel like we are more like brother/sister.  We are more causal and relaxed with each other and no major heavy expectations towards each other.  Other than getting together and sharing whats going on in our lives.  

Is there any blurring of the lines and how does your SO feel about you spending time with your opposite sex friend?

 

I think most times when you're in a relationship, opposite sex friends need to take a significant step back in your list of priorities.  I know other people feel differently.  Mostly, I think it's disrespecful and inconsiderate of your significant other.  Even if they have a high level of trust in you, they'll sometimes have intrusive thoughts of you being less than 100% faithful.  We're all human, and we have irrational thoughts at times.  Irrational thoughts/feelings are basically instinct, we can't control them.  It takes time for people to learn how to manage those feelings, and it's not fair to expect a significant other to just be ok with your opposite sex friend right off the bat.

There are exceptions.  If your opposite sex friend is in no way attracted to you and vice versa, and you have a long standing friendship with no violations of that construct (like you two having a drunken make out session that one night years ago), AND your significant other is exceptionally mature and secure in themselves, then it's ok.

In most cases, I think if you feel a strong desire to spend time with an opposite sex friend while you're in a committed relationship (assuming they're not homosexual or completely unattractive to you), then it's a sign that this significant other doesn't fulfill what you're looking for them to fulfill.

Edited October 15, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Lotsgoingon]

I know spouses of people with opposite-sex friends. I know quite well--heck I'm friends with-- the spouses of my two closest women friends. 

The spouses are as happy that their partner is getting out of the house (and out of their hair) with their opposite-sex friends (me in this case) as they are when the partner is getting out of the house (and out of their hair)( with same-gender friends. Literally just got off the phone with the husband of one of my closest friends. We've been building our own genuine friendship over time. He knows his wife and me are close (and were close since ten years before he met her) and he wants his wife to be happy, and so he absolutely encourages our friendship. 

Marriage can't be the end all and be all. It's good for each spouse to have friends on their own as well as friends they have in common--just like the spouses have some activities they do individually and activities that both engage in. 

My women friends pretty much can tell their spouses everything I say. I'm not talking to them about anything that they wouldn't feel comfortable sharing with their husbands. Now, occasionally they will talk about their marriages, and maybe they don't share all of that with their husbands. But this talk is not at all flirty. It's usually them discussing some element of the marriage that they're working on. And this is usually in the context of me discussing my relationships. 

Funny: the call tonight from my one friend's husband is because he recruited me to help with a project he (not his wife) is involved in. The project involves my professional specialty. I think he started off being polite and open to me. It's actually grown to fun friendship. He'll call me without even telling his wife. 

BTW: my two closest women friends are both quite attractive, but we don't flirt. I do appreciate though their perspective as women, whatever that means. It's great to talk to them about some woman I'm dating. I feel like I can get inside scoop and a different perspective than I can get from just talking to my male buddies, who I also treasure. 

[ASG]

As with @Lotsgoingon, I too have devloped my own friendships with my male friends' wives.

With one, in particular, I now call/text her when I want to meet up with them, because he is terrible at replying/answering the phone! 

We are now really close, and when he's busy (he works shifts) we still have dinner or do day activities with the kids, and then he joins whenever he's finished. 

She's not threatened by me in any way, shape or form, and she knows there is nothing to worry about. 

[chillii]

lt's not really about threats to me if there are none , but me l'd just very uncomfortable with all that and another mans wife tbh.