Opposite sex Friendship vs Romantic Relationship

[MeadowFlower]

@chillii, agree with your line of thinking. And I would never accept that were I in a relationship, nor do I believe it's right. 

[SumGuy]

On 10/12/2021 at 4:44 AM, Mysterio said:

So in your mind.  Whats the big difference between your opposite Sex friendship and your Romantic Relationship.  Is it really sex.  ...

Yes it is in your mind, and many peoples minds.  At least that is my premise why a persons sex makes any difference with regard to friendship, it doesn't fundamentally....you (the general you) make it different.  Does one ask the same questions of friends who are the same sex but are homosexual?  Does one ask the same question of attractive relatives of the opposite sex? (On the later no because in our heads and our internalized social beliefs, siblings etc. are off the table...nothing prevents one's mind from thinking the thing about opposite sex friends, especially if they are in a relationship with another friend...you know some people have the ability to respect others and their relationships)

Human relationships come in all levels, generally we hold romantic above all others (and rightly so in my mind) but one can have a sexual relationship that is far less trusting than one with a lifelong friend.

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Is there any blurring of the lines and how does your SO feel about you spending time with your opposite sex friend?

My SO is not bothered by my opposite sex friends, no I hers.  It's all about being secure and having trust.  Why would anyone ever have a problem with it?  I know, they do and it all comes down to the idea that two friends of the opposite gender (who are attracted to the opposite gender) eventually will f*ck, will eventually fall for each other.  Which is ridiculous.  First the very existence of the "friend zone" proves this wrong, and second really, adults are such animals they are lead around by their genitals?   I definitely date, and try to only associate with, people who are not so lead.   I guess there are plenty who are, and the only reason "friendship" makes it worse is they are too lazy to cheat in other ways.

I have female friends, of decades duration.  Some are not my physical cup of tea, others could be.  So what?  I've never been so thirsty as to cross the line of friendship just because of my friends sex.

All that said, I can get some uncertainty in the beginning around friends of opposite sex...as you never know if the person is a player and what kid of "friend" this is.  But after a time, if she doesn't trust me (or I her) it is a bad sign, to me either of projection on their part or not seeing me but some prior person who hurt them in such a way.

 

Not sure what you mean by blurring of the lines, but I don't flirt with friends, I don't engage in romantic gestures with them.  Otherwise, my GF is my best friend in so many ways, so there is obviously a huge overlap in the friendship regard there.

It may help to think of people as people first, to interact with the person not the shell.   Be it their sex, gender, or color.  It doesn't mean you act oblivious to what living in that shell may have meant for them, just don't let the shell define the relationship or sort your relationships by the shell people have been given.

 

In the end live the way you want to live.  If you can't keep your hands or thoughts off your female friends reconsider having them.  If you can then to all the naysayers can say in my 50+ years have always been around people who can have opposite sex friends, or same sex friends who are also homosexual, without incident.  Unlike TV, everyone is not sleeping with everyone, there are groups of people and social circles where infidelity is near unheard of (not out of any religious stance, it is just uncool to cheat on someone, to hurt they that way), and the sex of a friend are not given a second thought, like most don't; have a second thought about the sex of their opposite sex siblings.

[FMW]

I have male friends but now that I'm in a relationship I don't spend time with them alone.  We socialize in groups.  We will text each other, usually to share information about someone we know or for group plans.  But I no longer engage in more intimate one on one private conversations with them.  Those are reserved for my partner. It's  not just about physical fidelity.

I'm sure some people can carry it off, and there are always certain exceptions.  But from what I've seen with my friends and in my own experience, certain boundaries are a good idea if you want to be respectful and keep peace in your romantic relationship.

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, SumGuy said:

Human relationships come in all levels, generally we hold romantic above all others (and rightly so in my mind) but one can have a sexual relationship that is far less trusting than one with a lifelong friend.

That is absolutely correct.

I've had a male best friend since we were about 7-8 years old, and we've remained pals for life.

Perhaps it comes down to each person's friendship goals being unique, necessitating the search for someone whose friendship goals are similar to your own.

[Uruktopi]

9 hours ago, SumGuy said:

Not sure what you mean by blurring of the lines, but I don't flirt with friends, I don't engage in romantic gestures with them.

Same here

[OatsAndHall]

As with most aspects in life, relationships and friendships fall on a spectrum. And, an individual's place on that spectrum can change over time. 

But for me, I draw a hard line on that spectrum between a truly pleutonic relationship with a woman and anything with more depth. My few pleutonic friendships with women are pleasant but fairly superficial. I pull way back if they venture beyond that as I'm not single and an emotional attraction to a woman is powerful for me.

I have a pleutonic friendship with another female math teacher on staff. It started off as chatting about curriculum here and there and progressed to eating lunch together and chatting. I'm physically attracted to her (I can't circumvent biology) but I initially had no emotional attraction to her. 

The more we chatted at work, our conversations and relationship started to become less superficial.  Neither of us is single and I became less and less comfortable with our interaction. I felt an emotional attraction and it became awkward. So, I pulled back and now things feel more centered for me. 

Id never screw around on my girlfriend but I'm also not going to sail into dangerous or uncharted emotional waters with a female friend. There's nothing good that can come from that. 

[chillii]

lt's not rocket science or needing analogies . You either get along well enough and remain on friendship levels with someone of the opposite sex to be good friends and it's just the way it is and always will be for both , or one of the two develops feelings above friendship in which case it eventually has to end .

Unfortunately my experience has been the latter every time from any women friends bar one , whom l've been friends with 5 or 6yrs now, still waiting for the pin to drop though and l don't take seriously. l find it near impossible to trust women friendships anymore bc of the way things have usually worked out and not from me either. With a daughter, a partner, 6 sisters to deal with and one good female friend anyway, ahhhh, l'm good.

Edited October 31, 2021 by chillii

[QuietRiot]

On 10/12/2021 at 4:44 AM, Mysterio said:

So in your mind.  Whats the big difference between your opposite Sex friendship and your Romantic Relationship.  Is it really sex.  

For me.  In my Romantic relationship.  On my side within the relationship.  I see myself as striving to be upbeat and be well dressed/groomed for her.  We both have deep dive conversations and laughs.  We indulge in Social and Recreational activities and there is physical affection between us on a regular basis.

Opposite Sex friendship.  I have to feel like we are more like brother/sister.  We are more causal and relaxed with each other and no major heavy expectations towards each other.  Other than getting together and sharing whats going on in our lives.  

Is there any blurring of the lines and how does your SO feel about you spending time with your opposite sex friend?

There is a new thing out now called "Platonic Life Partner" never heard of it whenI heard a married woman say that back when she was single, that she made some kind of vow to a male friend that if she doesn't find someone to marry in X amount of years, they would be "platonic life partners". If she was attractive, I couldn't pull that off. lol

[chillii]

Nothing new about that stuff some married or otherwise couples have been living like that for centuries. Sounds like it just has a nice neat little pigeon holed label now , yet another one , like everything else these days.And no you don't want to sleep together that's why your living platonicly or one doesn't so the other one's just accepted it.

But if you were to try living like that with just someone , not from marriage or living together , l'd think you'd need almost as much to be happy like that with ea other, as you would in a marriage, even if that'd dwindled down to a platonic marriage. l was living with someone like that after my divorce for awhile , separate rooms and not really a couple. l had no interest in being in anything deeper with her or sleeping with her , but we did get along pretty good in just a living together situation and helped ea other a lot too. But it all began to feel pretty off after awhile , bc l was use to a real relationship , marriage , not this type of thing. And she developed feelings too so that all got messy and she had to move out.

 

Edited November 7, 2021 by chillii