Am I being unreasonable?

[MPK88]

Hi Guys, just found this forum because I'm at the end of my tether and I need advice that isn't bias.

I've been with my husband for 4 years, married for 3. He is a good guy generally and we get on well. However this past week I've realised how little he actually does.

I've had covid and have been up and down with my symptoms, achey, tired, worn out etc. During this time he has made a couple of cuppas but nothing else. The house is getting on top of me because he doesn't seem to care. I have addressed this before with him and he says he'll do more but it lasts about a day and he gives in. I currently work from home and he goes into the office, so naturally it falls on me to do the housework. We also have 3 dogs and one is paralysed so she is a lot to look after. He doesn't really help with them unless I ask. They are his dogs as well but he would never think to get up and feed them and walk them if it wasn't for me asking.

I didn't realise how tiring it was until this week when I actually need the help and he doesn't even do what I've asked. I'm isolating so can't go to the shop and asked him to go yesterday, he still hasn't been. I really don't want to be a nag but my blood is slowly boiling! 

It's also my birthday on Friday and won't be able to do what we have planned due to isolating and I just feel like if he doesn't make an effort for that I will be really upset. I'm not materialistic at all and I'm not bothered about gifts. Just a bit of effort.

I realise these are very first world problems. Am I being unreasonable? Is this just a guy thing? Should this be happening 3 years into marriage? I've never really gotten this frustrated as I'm pretty self sufficient and always just do things myself usually. Should I let it bother me now when it hasn't before? 

TIA 

[Nothanks]

Has he been this way the entire marriage?  It sounds like maybe this has always been a problem but it has gotten worse because of COVID. He is doing even less than before because he assumes you are at home and, in his mind, can do more (ignoring the fact that you are working from home).  
 

I understand you don’t want to be a nag and be on him all the time. Instead of waiting until your boiling point, can you sit him down and tell him you are exhausted and drowning in chores. You need his help.  Then have a schedule or list that sets out a list of chores and who is doing what. If he doesn’t complete the tasks on his list, then do not do it for him. Just start taking care of yourself (as he is doing).  Do your own laundry and cook a meal just for you. Maybe then he will get the picture. 

[Wiseman2]

Make sure you stop doing everything for him.

 If he has to wear his underwear inside out or eat potato chips for dinner, who cares?

Stop mothering him. Talk care of yourself and your health first. 

You're growing resentful because you have a lazy selfish husband, so don't enable that.

In fact, stay with trusted vaccinated friends and family.

Let him deal with it all himself. The dogs the marketing the cleaning etc.

Alternatively, take the cost of a dog sitter and housekeeper out of his pay, since he refuses to participate in responsibility.

[MPK88]

Thanks guys, I have no issue having it out with him I just wanted to make sure I'm not in the wrong first. 

The most frustrating thing about it is before I moved in he used to live alone so did do these things and when I leave him alone for the night (to go out with the girls etc.) He will sort himself out. Maybe that's just it I need to stop doing these things as he is too reliant on me to do them for him. He hasn't always been like this, he has gotten worse the past year (since I've been working from home) 

In every other way he is great but sometimes I just want to shake him and say "get a f***ing grip!" I make the mistake of waiting till I'm at boiling point to address things and that doesn't help as he will just stare at me blankly and we get no where.

 

[Nothanks]

4 minutes ago, MPK88 said:

sometimes I just want to shake him and say "get a f***ing grip!"

I bet he thinks you are having a hissy fit over one thing.  He is not getting the bigger picture. It isn’t about this one time where he went to the shops a day later than you asked. (seems like no big deal right?). This is about the overall unfairness of the allocation of chores. Calmly sit him down, tell him you love him but need his help, and give him the list.  If he doesn’t pitch in, then you take care of you and he can fend for himself.  

[MPK88]

That is exactly it! Whenever I do say something (given it's usually when I'm already at breaking point) he thinks it's about that one thing. Overall it's just lack of effort, around the house, with the dogs, with me.