help please

[xx123]

Hi, i’m 23 & my boyfriend and I have been dating and living together for 2 years now. i haven’t had a job since i’ve been with him & every time i would say i want to get one he says “ you’re gonna cheat on me i know how this works coworkers always end up sleeping together “ & i told him that wasn’t true but he still wasn’t having it. so i stopped pressing the matter bc he takes care of me but i’ve always been a very independent person i have taken care of myself since i was 17 so it’s hard to not being able to do anything for myself. i brought it up again not too long ago and he’s said he going to get me a new computer so i can work from home. it just feels like he wants me constantly trapped here.

he also gets so mad if we are in the grocery store or in the car & some guy looks at me ( i never even know they look) & he gets mad & says “oh were you staring at him” “he’s being disrespectful right to my face he needs to stop looking” & the thing is i’m not looking at other guys. & last month i saw he liked this girls photo & i brought it up & he got defensive and said “that’s my friend i can’t like my friends picture bc i saw she was doing good. she doesn’t even look like that in person. she has a boyfriend.” but it hurt my feelings. 

also my sex drive has been low for the past year so we don’t have sex all the time bc i’m stressed & depressed & it bothers him all he seems to want to do is have sex & when i say i’m not in the mood he gets mad. recently in the last two months we have had sex more often but the past couple weeks he’s been coming home from work late and i try kissing on him but he says he’s tired but still watches tv and stays up so i roll over to sleep and not even 5 minutes later he’s masturbating then when i say something he acts like he’s sleeping. i know men need sex more and i’m not mad he masturbates just mad he does it when he thinks i’m sleeping then pretends he’s not doing it. i don’t know what to do about any of it. 

[Alpacalia]

Almost everyone who has been in an abusive relationship has become emotionally and physically reliant on the abuser. It's a method they utilize to keep you under control.

He knows he has you entirely dependent on him, so he can treat you anyway he wants since he knows you won't leave if he treats you badly.

If you're completely honest with yourself, you'll understand that the only thing holding you back is your fear of the unknown.

Do you have any close friends or family nearby? What about seeing a therapist just to get things started?

Whatever strength you have, marshall it to battle down that fear and place the call.

 

[glows]

1 hour ago, xx123 said:

i’m stressed & depressed 

Address this. It's hurting you staying in this relationship. He gaslights you and manipulates you, is jealous and controlling. Is there any surprise you are feeling this way and stressed/depressed? 

Go ahead and find employment if you wish to do so, have your own income and keep your resume updated. You are 23 and should be well on your own way independently regardless of relationship status. Don't let two years stretch to twenty and then realize that all that time has passed you by while you are living with a man who keeps holding you back. You'll become more and more a shadow of your former self. 

Edited October 12, 2021 by glows

[ExpatInItaly]

You need to get away from this guy. 

He is controlling and isolating you, which is a form of abuse. You are already suffering, and it will get worse - not better - over time. 

Time to re-assert yourself and leave this bad relationship behind you. 

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, xx123 said:

. it just feels like he wants me constantly trapped here.

Do you have trusted friends and family nearby? You can research abusive relationships and talk to domestic abuse agencies about how to extricate yourself from this.

You can also go to social services and get help with housing, food stamps, employment assistance and physical and mental health care.

Yes, the first thing an abuser does is isolate you and cripple you financially, then begins the process of wearing you down. Sort of like a slave owner.

You need to get out ASAP.

 

[Crazelnut]

Is this "man" worth losing your independence, strength, and self-worth for? His jealousy and need to control you is not normal and unhealthy. Please get a job and then get away from him. If you stay with him, he's going to crush your soul. 

[smackie9]

A good man would encourage you have a productive life, let you live your dreams, support your goals. Your BF is controlling and manipulative. He holds you hostage, using "love" against you. You need to to end this relationship. In other words he's being a jerk and he will continue to mess with your head.

Edited October 13, 2021 by smackie9

[spiderowl]

I am sorry to hear about your situation xx123.  You do not sound happy.

It is not right that your boyfriend should prevent you from working outside the home if you wish to.  Getting you a computer so that you can work from home seems a nice gesture, if taken alone, but in the context of his objections to you working outside the home it actually seems quite controlling.

He is clearly very jealous of you and is intimidating you when you are out with him for supposedly 'looking at other men'.  

On top of the above, he is suddenly ignoring you in the bedroom and resorting to pleasing himself.

I can see why you are unhappy.  There are some very clear messages from him (above) and some very mixed messages.  That he wants you at home under his control is very clear.  He does not have the right to keep you at home.  If you are living with him and he is keeping you, then you might feel trapped.  If you did decide to leave him, is there somewhere you could go to stay?  I get the feeling you are in a very unhealthy relationship in which your partner is very controlling and unreasonably jealous.

He is now also confusing you with his strange change in sexual habits.  It could be that he has got into online porn and it is affecting his behaviour - is he spending more spare time online now?

All in all, your unhappiness speaks for itself.  You could ask him to go to relationship counselling - how do you think he would take that?  If he is not interested in that and he continues to try to prevent you from being outside the home without his constant supervision, then I really think you need to end this relationship.  You are unhappy, sad, anxious and depressed.  Were you like this before you met him?  Can you look back and see a point when you became more unhappy?

You can leave a relationship if you are unhappy in it.  You don't have to have specific reasons.  You do not have to have been mistreated.  Being unhappy and feeling constrained by your partner are good enough reasons to leave.

Edited October 15, 2021 by spiderowl

[Nothanks]

Your BF is the definition of controlling. You are 23.  Is this the life you want to live when you are 33 with a couple kids, no job and he controls the finances?  
 

Get out now but get out safely.  It doesn’t sound like he will let you go easily so protect yourself.  Stay with family and be smart about your personal protection.  But end it and start making your own decisions for your life.

[Daisydooks]

On 10/12/2021 at 3:40 PM, xx123 said:

also my sex drive has been low for the past year

Cant imagine why 🤔 I wouldnt sleep with him either and Id be so worn down, turned off and exhausted by his abuse. He is entirely abusive, controlling and awful. 

You need to get out of this relationship and home NOW. 

The hotline can help (if you can ask us questions here you can open a chat with them online. Or call if you have time alone where he doesnt know youre making the call?) Tell them what is going on and see what resources they can help with if you dont have family or friends to return to to get back on your own 2 feet. From 17 to 21 you were independent and you can be again. You just cant while being with this man as he wont allow that.  He wants you at home where he can control your every move. I am fearful for you, hunny.  Please get out of this. Please.  And for the love of everything holy, please dont have a child with him.