I deal with anxiety quite heavily and don't feel safe addressing this with my partner.

[KindnessRules]

I feel ashamed to bring this up with my wife as my negativity will bring her down, making her feel bad. I will suppress my feelings and push it to the side as I don’t want her to take on any of my stress, although if I did… l feel like it would help me get through some harder days. 

This past week, I had a very difficult time beating my self up with terrible sleep and loads of anxiety. I didn’t ask for anything from her, just mentioned I had a very stressful week. She responded by saying that it wasn’t her responsibility to fix me, to make me feel happy and that I have to be happy with myself to be good with a relationship. As I agree with that, I was very annoyed by that comment, and the timing of the comment as I was still uneasy. She brought up that her therapist and friend agrees, and that I should work on myself and that the negativity of me is bringing her down. Again, I agree, but this still pierced me quite heavily, as the I knew she wanted me to know that it affected her (with backed support) and she brought it up with her therapist and friend. My mental health became her issue, not mine. I wanted support, but it became her problem, and that this became the topic rather than my anxiety and stress. 

Important to note that she is spending limited precious time with her family overseas (2 months).. and she doesn’t want negativity during this period. She mentioned she felt bad that she wasn’t here for me as it’s been hard for me to be alone. She told me that her friends suggest she shouldn’t feel bad as it’s not her responsibility… (that also annoys me, even though they might be right).

I did communicate this to her, and she apologized saying she felt heartbroken about not being sensitive/selfish and making me feel unheard. That didn’t make me feel better, I don’t want her to be heartbroken as I love her dearly. I also don’t know if I’m right to feel this way…wait am I the one being selfish?

I do feel that when she has problems, whether it be emotional or family related, she comes to me more and I’m ready to listen and take on some of her stress, but I feel more equipped to handle these moments than her as that’s my strength. As bad as it sounds, sometimes I feel like the favour is not returned. I don’t reach out for help as much even though i need it, which may be part of the problem.

In a relationship, is it fair you and your partner to take each other’s stress and deal with it together, or is that an individual challenge you must go through yourself?  Thank you kindly for your thoughts!

[FMW]

Listening and being empathetic is a reasonable expectation of your significant other.  But if venting is too frequent or too heavy, it can be too much to expect your partner to deal with.  The negativity can become overwhelming and unhealthy.

If you have never said much more than "I had a bad day" then yes, she was being cold and unsupportive.  But if you have previously spent a lot of time venting, then maybe she was cutting you off before it happened again.  

If you have ongoing issues with anxiety you would be better served to find a counselor to talk to.  You should be able to share your problems with your partner, but again, there's a limit to how much someone else can take.

If she has her own issues (you referenced her therapist), she might not have much capacity to take on yours.

You certainly need to find relief for your stress and anxiety.  I would look toward your own counselor.

[KindnessRules]

30 minutes ago, FMW said:

Listening and being empathetic is a reasonable expectation of your significant other.  But if venting is too frequent or too heavy, it can be too much to expect your partner to deal with.  The negativity can become overwhelming and unhealthy.

If you have never said much more than "I had a bad day" then yes, she was being cold and unsupportive.  But if you have previously spent a lot of time venting, then maybe she was cutting you off before it happened again.  

If you have ongoing issues with anxiety you would be better served to find a counselor to talk to.  You should be able to share your problems with your partner, but again, there's a limit to how much someone else can take.

If she has her own issues (you referenced her therapist), she might not have much capacity to take on yours.

You certainly need to find relief for your stress and anxiety.  I would look toward your own counselor.

Thank you so much for your response!

[S2B]

If you’ve been accused of being too reliant on others then read the book codependent no more.

you shouldn’t need to toss problems to other people like they need to handle it for you - that’s yours to do.

at the same time - she should be willing, as your partner, to listen to what you’re concerned about - and offer compassion and support. Otherwise you may as well be alone.

[basil67]

I agree that we should be able to talk about problems with our partner.  But if the problem is either complex and/or frequent there comes a time when it's more than they can handle and we need other strategies.  When your wife reacted like she did, I wonder if she was having a moment of not being able to cope with hearing about it again.   At this point, we need to start leaning on a professional.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, KindnessRules said:

. She responded by saying that it wasn’t her responsibility to fix me, to make me feel happy and that I have to be happy with myself to be good with a relationship.  . 

Important to note that she is spending limited precious time with her family overseas.

Are you angry she's on vacation?

She's right. You need to see a physician about the depression and anxiety and ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.