Calling my bluff- had to walk

[SadSadCat]

I have been with him for over 6 years. I wanted children early, he wanted to be married first and to have graduated law school. Reasonable, but I wanted to be at least engaged within a year of graduation.

Then COVID hit, and he asked for an extension to save money since he wasn’t sure what additional costs we might have in the future. Fine, let’s make it before my birthday.

Well he ordered a ring and due to a series of problems had to cancel the order and never ordered a new one because he didn’t have time. I reminded him that I was serious about having kids and getting married. His parents came down with some serious health issues, and they and I suggested we move up the timeline. He now wants to slow it down and can’t think about getting engaged “because he can’t handle both at the same time”.

I finally after years of threats had to walk away, and I feel terrible. Gutted, completely lost, no purpose whatsoever. My friends all seem to think I should have done this years ago. He hasn’t contacted me in several days and I just brought up the idea of us breaking up, saying it was coming soon but not that we were broken up yet. How do I get over this? Any advice? 

[Nothanks]

Sorry did you break up or just threaten to?  You said you “walked away” but then said you “brought up the idea of breaking up soon”.  This isn’t the first time you have threatened to break up because of his lack of commitment. He clearly does not want to get married.  It sounds like he could be passive aggressive.  He doesn’t want to get married so he avoids it.  He probably also doesn’t want to be seen as the “bad guy” who strings a woman along for years and then breaks up with her.  You gave him his out by breaking up with him.  If you did not break up with him but instead just vented out of frustration (again), the fact he hasn’t called in several days is a sign that he is OK with you following through on your threat.

bottom line - I think your friends are right.  You shouldn’t have to threaten someone to marry you.  You were absolutely right in letting him know your expectations. But he hasn’t met them.  So you either change your expectations  or you decide it is unacceptable and walk.  As far as how to get over it, you go no contact, grieve and move on.  There is no magic cure to relieve you of grief (I wish there was). Only way is to move on and he will eventually be a memory.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, SadSadCat said:

I have been with him for over 6 years. I wanted children early, he wanted to be married first and to have graduated law school. 

I finally after years of threats had to walk away.

Sorry this happened. It's sad he kept using excuses rather than leveling with you that he's not interested in marriage to you.

As you know ultimatums don't work. Either he's on the same page as you...or not.

Listen to your friends, they're right.

[Blind-Sided]

I'm sorry you are in this situation... and I'm sure there is more too this, and there is "Another" side to it... but relationships are not built on threats.  (EVER) 

To me, I would side with your exBF. If I was in law school... that would take a lot of effort, and a new marriage would get put to the side.  (not fair to you) Your exBF not wanting kids till he's married... well... that's just smart. And if his folks are having medical issues... why would he want to think about himself over his folks? 

I understand you wanted to get married and have kids... but he had a life plan, and the pandemic, and his folks health changed things.  Reflect on his side, and it may help.