Please help. Struggling with breakup

[Ishmael V]

Well, it's a long story... Have been in this relationship for almost 4 years. I met this girl on college and she had a very bad reputation for being a constant cheater on every boyfriend she had. I was healing myself from a previous relationship, enjoying life and having no compromise with other girls, because I was single and it was the first time for me to experiment casual sex with some girls at college. Then one day she approached me and we ended up having sex at her place very often.

She told me things that I personally wouldn't tell to anyone who i don't trust enough, but she was very open with me. We always agreed that we didn't want any relationship. At that time, I found that she didn't breakup with her bf and she still was getting laid with me, among other things like dating other guys. That turned on the first red flag for me. Because later on, i decided to end up our meetings because she was starting to feel in love with me (we had a lot of things in common) but I started to be afraid of her. A couple of months later, her dad passed away and she texted me saying that she really wanted me to be with her, that she was in a lot of pain for her dad, trying to convince me that we should try a relationship.

She was love bombing me every day, bringing me food or little presents at school. Anyways, something didn't feel right from the start, but I started to be with her more often, to help her get distracted and we still had some fun. She then proposed me to start a musical academy (i play some instruments and she plays piano) on wich I first refused politely because my goal's always been to get my bachelor's degree and I was still in this process and I wanted to be focus on it. Besides, i didn't feel prepared to teach music. I ended up saying yes and that's when the problems started. One year later we formalized our relationship, but that's when I met his narc mother.

I just can't describe how manipulative, passive-aggresive and annoying her mother was towards me and her daughter. I can't count how many times I ended up in the middle of their fights. The thing is I was living almost the whole week with them because the academy was a bit far from my place and that was the greatest mistake I've ever done. I started to feel more uncomfortable with my ex's also narc attitudes. The problems with our relationship just grew because she felt that I wasn't giving her flowers, gifts or making her feel loved. That I wasn't proposing her to travel, or hanging out so often. I was very confused at that time and I mostly spend my money in musical instruments (she was making more money than me anyways).

It was my mistake for not giving her the attention I was receiving, but oh, man. I was so confused with everything. I honestly hope someone understand that I didn't do it because I didn't loved her, but rather because their attitudes and comments were so evil, egocentric... Many times I wanted to run away from it, but i just couldn't and kept helping her a lot with her academy. She once cheated on me and I was devastated, but decided to forgive her because I felt her crying sincere. But then, no more love bombing, no more listening to my opinions or feelings, no more nothing... .

Then, one day my sister caught her planing to hang out with a guy that my sis knew. Apparently, she didn't hang out with him because she had work that day, but my sis friend told us she was reacting to all his fb posts and pics, and that she even contacted him first. I just got seriously mad and decided to end it once and for all. Maybe it was a childish reaction, but I just felt that it was my time to escape.  

I dumped her and went for my stuff at her house (she wasn't there and her mom didn't know where she was, ha) and explained her mother the whole thing. Another mistake, because she told her daughter a bunch of lies, things that I didn't say. Then, a couple days later, they got COVID. She reached out (i blocked her) by sms, telling me that she felt bad because didn't want to end up things that way and that she wanted to hang out because felt that I wasn't caring about her feelings and the same old story. I told her I would help them through the covid process and we agreed to pause things between us to focus on the situation. I helped her bringing some food, meds and giving her some company.

Her mom was an antivaccine, homeopathic, theory conspiracy advocate brainless person (she even convinced every family member not to get the vaccine) and that mistake costed her life and one of my ex gf's uncles. Many times I tried to convince her, from a loving care perspective, always, that the vaccine wasn't harmful but she was so... Damn, I still can't understand how damaged and evil people can be. When this happened i just couldn't let my ex gf alone. She literally was left alone, with a lot of economic problems, family fights (they told that her mother's death was her fault because she didn't want to give her chlorine dioxide) and a lot of pain. I helped her with everything I could. Stayed there every single day. Cooked, washed the dishes, distracted her.. everything. 

My family invited me as a birthday gift to go on vacation for only 4 days. I told her I would be back and I'd be cooking her some chop suey that she loved as soon as I get back. She seemed alright with the idea and although I noticed some sadness, things were normal until my last day on vacation. My best friend texted me and told that my ex gf posted some serious trash about me on her fb. In a mocking way, she said that I was a jealous manipulative almost piece of sh$# and childish for dumping and blocking her in the first place.. and she even was disrespectful with my sister... oh well. I didn't notice that post because she had view restrictions for me on her fb profile, but my friend could see everything. Then, i freaking blocked her again, thinking it was definitely over. I was really upset. Disappointed. Betrayed. Again.

After three days she contacted me from an unknown number in WhatsApp. Moaning and crying, she told that she felt that I abandoned her during my vacation time, that she couldn't believe that I went out when she always wanted to travel with me (not that we never did, we traveled many times) and that I always told her to respect quarantine and not to travel (yup, because she went 3 times on vacation  waaay before we got vaccinated) but she realized she made a mistake for posting those words and begged me to apologize her. And, i believed her, once more. I feel so stupid writing these lines.

To end things up, I told her everything. Every single thing I ever felt during our relationship. The uncomfortable truth and so on. She seemed to only accept it, and saying that she  also did it because she was in so much pain for her parent's death. Then, that night, my best friend told me that when she discovered that someone came to tell me about her sh#&post, she told everyone that I still owed her some money (I still laugh on that, because it was like 10 bucks for a pack of cigs and we agreed she would get them back after my vacation).  And that was it. After everything I did for her, she treated me like garbage, like If stealed her something. I just can't believe how evil she was for telling those things about me. How much hate she had on me after all these years. I literally abandoned my career, my goals and job opportunities for her academy (that's entirely on my fault, i know). 

Please, forgive me for so many words. I'm still struggling with regret and all the decisions I've made. It maybe sound ridiculous but sometimes I feel I should have understand her more. Now I have no job, just a friend or two. I'm falling into anxiety, smoking cig after cig and everyday feels like I'm drowning slowly. I haven't got my bachelor's degree yet and I feel I only wasted 4 years of my life going after someone else's dreams... Thanks a lot for reading me. 

 

 

 

 

[Daisydooks]

2 hours ago, Ishmael V said:

It maybe sound ridiculous but sometimes I feel I should have understand her more.

It sounds absolutely ridiculous.  How would you have understood her more? She is legitimately insane. You definitely did the right thing by ending it

 What about her understanding of your needs? 

[glows]

3 hours ago, Ishmael V said:

Please, forgive me for so many words. I'm still struggling with regret and all the decisions I've made. It maybe sound ridiculous but sometimes I feel I should have understand her more. Now I have no job, just a friend or two. I'm falling into anxiety, smoking cig after cig and everyday feels like I'm drowning slowly. I haven't got my bachelor's degree yet and I feel I only wasted 4 years of my life going after someone else's dreams... Thanks a lot for reading me. 

Put this behind you and focus on finding employment, then enroll again in courses. Where are you living and how are you supporting yourself now? 

[Ishmael V]

36 minutes ago, Daisydooks said:

It sounds absolutely ridiculous.  How would you have understood her more? She is legitimately insane. You definitely did the right thing by ending it

 What about her understanding of your needs? 

I thought she understood me, at the beginning of the relationship. But she always made me feel responsible for her offenses and because I tried many times to defend myself she just saw that I didn't care for her. Actually, my last words were "stop contacting me, you are insane".

I guess one could say "don't take that word lightly". But if could tell all the things I lived there... Insane is a politely way to describe her, honestly. Thank you so much 

[Ishmael V]

34 minutes ago, glows said:

Put this behind you and focus on finding employment, then enroll again in courses. Where are you living and how are you supporting yourself now? 

I'm living in Mexico city. My parents always been supportive with me and my sister, they just want us to finish school and we try to help them with everything they need . We have our big problems sometimes too. I know I need to move on, but I just can't make a single decision without overthinking, being afraid of facing the real world, meeting new people... And because I'm 26 and no job experience I fear no one will hire me. 

[glows]

4 minutes ago, Ishmael V said:

I'm living in Mexico city. My parents always been supportive with me and my sister, they just want us to finish school and we try to help them with everything they need . We have our big problems sometimes too. I know I need to move on, but I just can't make a single decision without overthinking, being afraid of facing the real world, meeting new people... And because I'm 26 and no job experience I fear no one will hire me. 

By where are you living I meant are you living with family or friends, not the location of your whereabouts. Did you move back in with your parents? It's good that you have their support with school. You don't have to think about meeting anyone new right now. What you do need to focus on is your employment and work experience. Start with entry level positions and go from there, volunteer on the side and be proactive. Also focus on school and ace your courses. Make this your sole focus and once that's established and you're feeling better introduce someone new into your life. 

Edited October 13, 2021 by glows

[Ishmael V]

Just now, glows said:

By where are you living I meant are you living with family or friends, not the location of your whereabouts. Did you move back in with your parents? It's good that you have their support with school. You don't have to think about meeting anyone new right now. What you do need to focus on is your employment and work experience. Start with entry level positions and go from there, volunteer on the side and be proactive. Make this your sole focus and once that's established and you're feeling better introduce someone new into your life. 

Oh sorry, yes. I moved back in with my parents. Oh, the least I want is to meet someone now. I'm already broken. But I do want to face the real world, get a job, keep helping my parents... Whenever I make a step, there's always pain and regret. Yesterday did my CV to start off. My thesis work it's on revision. I will keep moving from now on. Thank you very much 

 

[lonelyplanetmoon]

I’m sorry you are struggling.  Life never works out the way you want.  Just learn to accept what life gives you with appreciation and you will do fine.

it won’t be a wasted 4 years if you can learn from the experience and grow stronger and be a better person.

You seem like a very nice kind person.  Be proud of that.  She was lucky to have you when she needed someone.  Know that you helped her and keep that as a positive thing to remember.

‘As to your future, learn to be positive and then take it one day at a time.  One foot in front of the other, you march  along.

Don’t go back to her.  Don’t be her friend.  You know you need to stay away so cut all contact.  She will survive just fine without you.

[Ishmael V]

24 minutes ago, lonelyplanetmoon said:

I’m sorry you are struggling.  Life never works out the way you want.  Just learn to accept what life gives you with appreciation and you will do fine.

it won’t be a wasted 4 years if you can learn from the experience and grow stronger and be a better person.

You seem like a very nice kind person.  Be proud of that.  She was lucky to have you when she needed someone.  Know that you helped her and keep that as a positive thing to remember.

‘As to your future, learn to be positive and then take it one day at a time.  One foot in front of the other, you march  along.

Don’t go back to her.  Don’t be her friend.  You know you need to stay away so cut all contact.  She will survive just fine without you.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I really appreciate the time and support. It's a relief to my soul to know that I did everything I could. And I know I have to quit this remorse feeling, move on and take care of myself. I give myself time to cry in solitude and feel better afterwards. At the beginning, i thought she wouldn't handle the loneliness and the loss of her parents. She even said she rather be dead. But, even if it sounds cold and selfish, that is no longer my concern. She made her own decisions. Thanks again!

[ExpatInItaly]

16 hours ago, Ishmael V said:

sometimes I feel I should have understand her more.

This is your lack of self-worth speaking. 

This woman was trouble from the very beginning. And she's been trouble all along. This is not about her anymore, but you. You have some very dysfunctional tendencies yourself for accepting this toxicity and attaching yourself to her and losing everything in the the process. It should have ended years ago, OP. 

So rather than focus on understanding her, focus on understanding yourself and what drew you to this chaos. This was unhealthy from the start so you need to figure out where you learned to sacrifice your self-respect and let someone walk all over you, and why you tried so desperately to win her approval and validation. Only then will you will be able to stay away from dead-ends in the future. 

Edited October 14, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Ishmael V]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

 

 

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is your lack of self-worth speaking. 

This woman was trouble from the very beginning. And she's been trouble all along. This is not about her anymore, but you. You have some very dysfunctional tendencies yourself for accepting this toxicity and attaching yourself to her and losing everything in the the process. It should have ended years ago, OP. 

So rather than focus on understanding her, focus on understanding yourself and what drew you to this chaos. This was unhealthy from the start so you need to figure out where you learned to sacrifice your self-respect and let someone walk all over you, and why you tried so desperately to win her approval and validation. Only then will you will be able to stay away from dead-ends in the future. 

Yeah, i should've listened to my gut since the beginning. I guess that she knew she could approached me emotionally showing how much suffering she had from his dad's death. I know that if things weren't that way I probably wouldn't have responded positively to her feelings. I also felt that she understood me well, you know, same interests, lots of deep talking, same humor sense, although, it never felt 100% right. I guess that's what narcs do. I lived her pain, suffered her wounds. I know it'll be hard to build up some self-respect, but I'll try to do my best. Thank you!

Edited October 14, 2021 by Ishmael V