Please help. Struggling with breakup

[Ishmael V]

Well, it's a long story... Have been in this relationship for almost 4 years. I met this girl on college and she had a very bad reputation for being a constant cheater on every boyfriend she had. I was healing myself from a previous relationship, enjoying life and having no compromise with other girls, because I was single and it was the first time for me to experiment casual sex with some girls at college. Then one day she approached me and we ended up having sex at her place very often.

She told me things that I personally wouldn't tell to anyone who i don't trust enough, but she was very open with me. We always agreed that we didn't want any relationship. At that time, I found that she didn't breakup with her bf and she still was getting laid with me, among other things like dating other guys. That turned on the first red flag for me. Because later on, i decided to end up our meetings because she was starting to feel in love with me (we had a lot of things in common) but I started to be afraid of her. A couple of months later, her dad passed away and she texted me saying that she really wanted me to be with her, that she was in a lot of pain for her dad, trying to convince me that we should try a relationship.

She was love bombing me every day, bringing me food or little presents at school. Anyways, something didn't feel right from the start, but I started to be with her more often, to help her get distracted and we still had some fun. She then proposed me to start a musical academy (i play some instruments and she plays piano) on wich I first refused politely because my goal's always been to get my bachelor's degree and I was still in this process and I wanted to be focus on it. Besides, i didn't feel prepared to teach music. I ended up saying yes and that's when the problems started. One year later we formalized our relationship, but that's when I met his narc mother.

I just can't describe how manipulative, passive-aggresive and annoying her mother was towards me and her daughter. I can't count how many times I ended up in the middle of their fights. The thing is I was living almost the whole week with them because the academy was a bit far from my place and that was the greatest mistake I've ever done. I started to feel more uncomfortable with my ex's also narc attitudes. The problems with our relationship just grew because she felt that I wasn't giving her flowers, gifts or making her feel loved. That I wasn't proposing her to travel, or hanging out so often. I was very confused at that time and I mostly spend my money in musical instruments (she was making more money than me anyways).

It was my mistake for not giving her the attention I was receiving, but oh, man. I was so confused with everything. I honestly hope someone understand that I didn't do it because I didn't loved her, but rather because their attitudes and comments were so evil, egocentric... Many times I wanted to run away from it, but i just couldn't and kept helping her a lot with her academy. She once cheated on me and I was devastated, but decided to forgive her because I felt her crying sincere. But then, no more love bombing, no more listening to my opinions or feelings, no more nothing... .

Then, one day my sister caught her planing to hang out with a guy that my sis knew. Apparently, she didn't hang out with him because she had work that day, but my sis friend told us she was reacting to all his fb posts and pics, and that she even contacted him first. I just got seriously mad and decided to end it once and for all. Maybe it was a childish reaction, but I just felt that it was my time to escape.  

I dumped her and went for my stuff at her house (she wasn't there and her mom didn't know where she was, ha) and explained her mother the whole thing. Another mistake, because she told her daughter a bunch of lies, things that I didn't say. Then, a couple days later, they got COVID. She reached out (i blocked her) by sms, telling me that she felt bad because didn't want to end up things that way and that she wanted to hang out because felt that I wasn't caring about her feelings and the same old story. I told her I would help them through the covid process and we agreed to pause things between us to focus on the situation. I helped her bringing some food, meds and giving her some company.

Her mom was an antivaccine, homeopathic, theory conspiracy advocate brainless person (she even convinced every family member not to get the vaccine) and that mistake costed her life and one of my ex gf's uncles. Many times I tried to convince her, from a loving care perspective, always, that the vaccine wasn't harmful but she was so... Damn, I still can't understand how damaged and evil people can be. When this happened i just couldn't let my ex gf alone. She literally was left alone, with a lot of economic problems, family fights (they told that her mother's death was her fault because she didn't want to give her chlorine dioxide) and a lot of pain. I helped her with everything I could. Stayed there every single day. Cooked, washed the dishes, distracted her.. everything. 

My family invited me as a birthday gift to go on vacation for only 4 days. I told her I would be back and I'd be cooking her some chop suey that she loved as soon as I get back. She seemed alright with the idea and although I noticed some sadness, things were normal until my last day on vacation. My best friend texted me and told that my ex gf posted some serious trash about me on her fb. In a mocking way, she said that I was a jealous manipulative almost piece of sh$# and childish for dumping and blocking her in the first place.. and she even was disrespectful with my sister... oh well. I didn't notice that post because she had view restrictions for me on her fb profile, but my friend could see everything. Then, i freaking blocked her again, thinking it was definitely over. I was really upset. Disappointed. Betrayed. Again.

After three days she contacted me from an unknown number in WhatsApp. Moaning and crying, she told that she felt that I abandoned her during my vacation time, that she couldn't believe that I went out when she always wanted to travel with me (not that we never did, we traveled many times) and that I always told her to respect quarantine and not to travel (yup, because she went 3 times on vacation  waaay before we got vaccinated) but she realized she made a mistake for posting those words and begged me to apologize her. And, i believed her, once more. I feel so stupid writing these lines.

To end things up, I told her everything. Every single thing I ever felt during our relationship. The uncomfortable truth and so on. She seemed to only accept it, and saying that she  also did it because she was in so much pain for her parent's death. Then, that night, my best friend told me that when she discovered that someone came to tell me about her sh#&post, she told everyone that I still owed her some money (I still laugh on that, because it was like 10 bucks for a pack of cigs and we agreed she would get them back after my vacation).  And that was it. After everything I did for her, she treated me like garbage, like If stealed her something. I just can't believe how evil she was for telling those things about me. How much hate she had on me after all these years. I literally abandoned my career, my goals and job opportunities for her academy (that's entirely on my fault, i know). 

Please, forgive me for so many words. I'm still struggling with regret and all the decisions I've made. It maybe sound ridiculous but sometimes I feel I should have understand her more. Now I have no job, just a friend or two. I'm falling into anxiety, smoking cig after cig and everyday feels like I'm drowning slowly. I haven't got my bachelor's degree yet and I feel I only wasted 4 years of my life going after someone else's dreams... Thanks a lot for reading me. 

 

 

 

 

[Nothanks]

You know why she treated you badly?  Because you let her.  You teach people how to treat you.  You could have said no to her or ended it at any time but you didn’t. You went back for more.  Rather than chain smoking, cut her out entirely, recognize she was completely unhealthy for you and make better decisions based on what you want out of life.  You have cut the cancer out of your life and it is now time to heal.  She is not your responsibility.

[Nothanks]

On 10/13/2021 at 7:38 AM, Ishmael V said:

I'm still struggling with regret and all the decisions I've made.

I also wanted to address this.  You can’t change the past. Instead of looking back with regret, learn from this. Do not accept that treatment from anybody in the future. Look ahead to the future as full of new opportunity to live the life you want. Go back to school, get the job you want, find someone who treats you with respect…. All of that is possible.  Ruminating over what went wrong is not productive and will keep you stuck in a rut. Look at this as an opportunity for a new beginning. Keep moving forward. 

[Ishmael V]

On 10/16/2021 at 9:13 AM, Nothanks said:

I also wanted to address this.  You can’t change the past. Instead of looking back with regret, learn from this. Do not accept that treatment from anybody in the future. Look ahead to the future as full of new opportunity to live the life you want. Go back to school, get the job you want, find someone who treats you with respect…. All of that is possible.  Ruminating over what went wrong is not productive and will keep you stuck in a rut. Look at this as an opportunity for a new beginning. Keep moving forward. 

Thank you so much. It's been only 2 weeks after I dumped her. I started out with some things (like my thesis revision) but it's really hard to focus on me. I have a lot of fear. My birthday is in 3 days and I know it'll be just another painful day. I really love and appreciate my family, but I feel so lonely now. So many thoughts around my head. I just have to wait a little more to request some school's papers to start my job applications. I hope once I have a job I hope my mind will point to other direction. i still have goals and dreams, i still want to make a lot of things, but everytime i start to get excited about them, my mind always strikes back with regret. I'm not fighting here with anyone else but myself. I guess I'll have to call my psychologist because i think i still have a lot of things to expel from my chest yet. I'm excited to look this situation as a new beginning, but i want to know i will start with the right tools. I really appreciate your kind words Nothanks. I'll keep trying. 

 

 

 

[Nothanks]

You sound a bit shell shocked from all the drama she has brought into your life. It’s only been two weeks so you are still adjusting to this new reality. I’m hoping as the days go by you start to gain some new found peace and focus more on future opportunities (no more past regrets!) I think you have a good plan in place. Keep moving forward and fill your time with people who love and support you. And make sure she has no way to contact you and do not have any contact with her (including reading her social media).  If you have friends in common, let them know you don’t want to know anything about her life.  She is not a topic for discussion and not your problem anymore.  (Oh and if you can, try to quit smoking.  Healthy mind and healthy body!)

[Ishmael V]

2 hours ago, Nothanks said:

You sound a bit shell shocked from all the drama she has brought into your life. It’s only been two weeks so you are still adjusting to this new reality. I’m hoping as the days go by you start to gain some new found peace and focus more on future opportunities (no more past regrets!) I think you have a good plan in place. Keep moving forward and fill your time with people who love and support you. And make sure she has no way to contact you and do not have any contact with her (including reading her social media).  If you have friends in common, let them know you don’t want to know anything about her life.  She is not a topic for discussion and not your problem anymore.  (Oh and if you can, try to quit smoking.  Healthy mind and healthy body!)

Yup, I'm still shocked. I know we all have been through toxic relationships (I've been reading a lot of bad breakup horror stories recently) and i don't want to make comparisons with other people, but I feel that we all have this feeling of "no one really can understand what I've been through". Before I met my current ex gf I was on a similar toxic relationship (I could say that it ended worse than this) and i though I could finally understand my own needs and self care. But i just fell in the same spot with my ex gf. The thing that most bothered me was the fact that I ended up like a victim. And I'm starting to feel the same now. Humiliated, perhaps? I don't know. A part of me wants to be convinced that I were selfish with her at the beginning for not corresponding the love she gave me. I guess that's what people say about forgiveness; i must forgive myself for any mistakes I've made in the past. I don't want to be the monster, neither the victim. God, i just want to feel free from this. Justice for my mind. Haven't heard of she since the day i blocked her from all social media. No one have mentioned her and it somehow feels like nothing happened. I will start to make some exercise, don't have money to pay the gym, but in my room at least. Quitting smoking is going to be really hard, but I'll try